Hoya!

It was election time and a politician decided to go out to
the local reservation and try to get the Native American
vote. They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear
the speech. The politician had worked up to his finale,
and the crowd was getting more and more excited. 'I
promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!'

The crowd went wild, shouting 'Hoya! Hoya!' The politician
was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged
by their enthusiasm. 'I promise gambling reforms to allow
a Casino on the Reservation!'

'Hoya! Hoya!' cried the crowd, stomping their feet.

'I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for
Native Americans!' The crowd reached a frenzied pitch
shouting 'Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!'

After the speech, the Politician was touring the Reservation,
and saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised
on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief
if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle.

'Sure,' the Chief said, 'but be careful not to step in the hoya.'

you can ask me questions

Attorney General Ashcroft was visiting an elementary
school. After the typical civics presentation, he
announced, 'All right, boys and girls, you can ask
me questions now.'

A little boy named Bobby raised his hand and said,
'Mr. Ashcroft, I have three questions. First, how did
Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore?
Second, why are you using the USA Patriot Act to
limit Americans' civil liberties? And third, why hasn't
the U.S. caught Osama Bin Laden yet?'

Just then the bell sounded and all the kids ran out
to the playground.

After lunch the kids were back in class and Attorney
General Ashcroft said, 'I'm sorry we were interrupted
by the bell. Now, you can ask me questions.'

A little girl raised her hand and said, 'Mr. Ashcroft, I
have five questions. First, how did Bush win the election
with fewer votes than Gore? Second, why are you using
the USA Patriot Act to limit Americans' civil liberties?
Third, why hasn't the U.S. caught Osama Bin Laden yet?
Fourth, why did the bell go off 20 minutes early?
And fifth, where's Bobby?'

kidnap a kid

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise money,
she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

So she went to a playground, grabbed a kid, and took him
behind a tree. 'I've kidnapped you!', said the blonde and
then proceeded to write a note saying, 'I've kidnapped
your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag
and place it under the pecan tree next to the playground.
Signed, A Blonde.'

The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and
sent him home to show his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked under the tree and
surely enough, a paper bag was sitting there. The Blonde
opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that
said, 'How could you do this to a fellow blonde?'

Inside card

1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
Now that  you've come into my life.
(Inside card) - I've changed my mind.

2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
(Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until I met you.

3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am....
(Inside card) - That you're not here to ruin it for me.

4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go....
(Inside card) - Will you take the knife from my back?
You'll probably need  it again.

5. Someday I hope to marry...
(Inside card) - Someone other than you.

6. When we were together, you said you'd die for me...
(Inside card) - Now we've broken up, I think it's time
to keep your promise.

7. We've been friends for a very long time...
(Inside card) - What do you say we stop?

8. I'm so miserable without you...
(Inside card) - It's almost like you're still here.

9. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy....
(Inside card) - Did you ever find out who the father was?

10. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking
ship and there was only one life jacket...
(Inside card) - I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.

11. Your friends and I wanted to do something special
for your birthday...
(Inside card) - So we're having you put to sleep.

12. Looking back over the years we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
(Inside card) - What was I thinking?

13. Congratulations on your wedding day...
(Inside card) - Too bad no one likes your husband.

A Chain Letter you might want to use (For Women Only).

This letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other
tired and discouraged women. Unlike most chain letters,
this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy of this
letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and
discontented. Then bundle up your boyfriend and send
him to the woman whose name appears at the top of this
list and add your name to the bottom. When your turn
comes, you will receive 16,255 men. One of them is bound
to be better than the one you had!  At the time of writing this,
a friend of mine had already received 184 men, 4 of whom
were worth keeping!

Remember - this chain brings luck!

You can be lucky too, so DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN.

One woman broke the chain and got her own boyfriend back!

Let's Test Your Powers of Abstract Thought!

Here it is, so pay attention.....
Correctly answer the following riddle:

"There are three birds sitting on a telephone wire.
Two decide to fly away.
How many are left?"

Explain your answer here ---> Feedback

It's not as crazy a riddle as it sounds, so give it some thought before you answer!
I have a very, VERY specific reason for asking it.
Don't give JUST a number as your answer.
You must also explain WHY you chose that particular number.
So give it some thought and send in your entry.
Show the WebMaster of 1linksite.com just how clever you are!

Explain your answer here ---> at ....> Feedback

"What "gender" is a computer"?

An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language. He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she." One of the students raised their hand and asked "What "gender" is a computer"? The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because: 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieve. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

'I'll never understand women.'

Max sat at the bar totally dejected. The bartender served him his second drink and said, 'What's wrong pal?'

'I'll never understand women.' Max said. 'The other night my wife threw me a birthday party. She told me that later on, as her gift to me, I could do with her whatever I wanted.'

'Wow!' said the bartender. 'But why so unhappy? That sounds like quite a gift to me.'

'Well, ' Max went on, 'I thought about it and sent her home to her Mother. Now she won't even speak to me.'

TO EXCERCISE OR NOT TO EXCERCISE

1. It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you, at age 85, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5,000 per month.

2. My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She is now 70 and we don't know where she is.

3. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

4. I joined a health club last year, spent about $400. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

5. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I am doing.

6. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

7. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

8. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

9. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

10. If you are going to try cross country skiing, start with a small country.

11. And last, but not least, I don't jog - it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

=== Seeing Eye Dogs ===

Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with the Doberman said to his friend, 'Let's go over to that bar and get something to drink.'

The guy with the Chihuahua said, 'We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us.' The one with the Doberman said, 'Just follow my lead.'

They walked over to the bar and the guy with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the bar.

The bouncer at the door said, 'Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed.' The man with the Doberman said, 'You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog.' The bouncer said, 'A Doberman pinscher?' The man said, 'Yes, they're using them now. They're very good.' The bouncer said, 'OK then, come on in.'

The buddy with the Chihuahua figured he'd try it too so he put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the bar. He knew his story would be a bit more unbelievable.

Once again the bouncer said, 'Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.' The man with the Chihuahua said, 'You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog.' The bouncer said, 'A Chihuahua?' The man with the Chihuahua said, 'A Chihuahua?!? A Chihuahua?!? They gave me a friggin' Chihuahua??

`````````` ** New Baby Brother ** ```````````

It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child, was home alone with her 3 year old daughter, Katelyn.

When Heidi started to go into labor she called "911." Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his feet, and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help, asked the wide eyed 3 year old Katelyn what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. ......... Spank him again!"

Marketing Anonymous: Finally, a definition of Marketing that makes sense....

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed."

That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, I hear you're fantastic in bed."

That's Brand Recognition.

=== The Gorgeous Doctor ===

A woman went to her new doctor for a checkup.

He turned out to be absolutely gorgeous!

He told her he was going to put his hand on her back and he wanted her to say "Eighty-eight."

"Eighty-eight," she purred.

"Good. Now I'm going to put my hand on your throat and I want you to again say 'Eighty-eight.'"

"Eighhty...eighhhhtttt."

"Fine. Now I'm going to put my hand on your chest and I want you once more to say 'Eighty-eight.'"

"One, two, three, four, five..."

Dear Dad, Dear Son,

Dear Dad,
Univer$ity i$ really great. I'm making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love, Your $on.

.....

Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love, Dad

a blind man

A nun in the convent walked into the bathroom where mother superior was taking a shower. 'There is a blind man to see you, she says. 'Well, if he is a blind man, than it does not matter if I'm in the shower. Send him in.'

The blind man walks into the bathroom, and mother superior starts to tell him how much she appreciates him working at the convent for them. She goes on and on and 10 minutes later the man interrupts: 'That's nice and all, ma'am, but you can put your clothes on now. Where do you want me to put these blinds?'

a 3-day pass

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.

The CO says 'Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!'

So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!

The CO was so impressed, he asked 'How did you do it?'

'Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, 'Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!'

don't step on the ducks

These 3 ladies died in a car wreak at the same time and all went to heaven. They meet St Peter at the gate and he told them they can do anything and go any where just don't step on the ducks.

One of the ladies turned around and stepped right on a duck, here comes Saint peter with the ugliest man she had ever seen and handcuffed him to her. St Peter said this is for stepping on a duck.

About a week later another of the ladies stepped on a duck and here comes St. Peter with another very ugly man. Well the 3rd lady seeing all these and thinking I don't want to spend all of eternity handcuffed to an ugly man became very carefull not to step on a duck. Several weeks went by and here comes St Peter with the most handsome man she had ever seen and St Peter hand cuffed the man to her. She asked what did I do to earn such a reward? The man said I don't know but I stepped on a duck.

'What did the doctor say?'

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said,' Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.'

'Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress.'

'Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by being pleasant and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television.'

'And, most importantly satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.'

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, 'What did the doctor say?'

'You're going to die,' she replied.

IDIOTS

IDIOTS & RETAIL
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

IDIOTS & COMPUTERS
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: 'I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?'

AN IDIOT'S IDIOT
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message 'He's lying' was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the 'lie detector' was working, the suspect confessed.

'That's intelligence!'

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, 'Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?' 'I don't know,' responded the other. 'I'll ask him.'

So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. 'Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?' 'Intelligence,' the boss said.

'What do you mean, 'intelligence'?'

The boss said, 'Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can.' The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, 'That's intelligence!'

The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, 'What did he say?' 'He said we are down here because of intelligence.'

'What's intelligence?' said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, 'Take your shovel and hit my hand.'

Indian Wisdom

The old Chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the US government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You have observed his wars and his material wealth. You have seen his progress and the damage he has done."

The Chief nodded that it was so.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it.

No taxes
No debt
Plenty buffalo
Plenty beaver
Women did all the work
Medicine man free
Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing,
all night made love to his woman."

Then the Chief leaned back and smiled, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

address an officer

Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?

Soldier: Sure, buddy.

Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again.

Do you have change for a dollar?

Soldier: No, SIR!

a blonde was using your computer?

How will you know if a blonde was using your computer?

There could be two ways:

First, there's liquid paper on your computer screen;

or

There's cheese next to the mouse.

what hell really is

One day a young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her Mother - 'Mom, Bobby just proposed to me an hour ago.'

'Then why are you so sad?' her Mother asked.

'Well, he also told me that he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe that hell exists!'

Her mother replied, 'Honey, marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him what hell really is!'

Say two Hail Mary's

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unmanned, he called a rabbi friend up and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional.

In a few minutes a woman comes in and says 'Father forgive me for I have sinned.' The priest asks 'What did you do?'. The woman says 'I Committed adultery.' Priest: 'How many times?' Woman: 'Three times.' Priest: 'Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.'

A few minutes later another woman enters the confessional. She says 'Father forgive me for I have sinned.' Priest: 'What did you do?' Woman: 'I committed adultery.' Priest: 'How many times?' Woman: 'Three times.' Priest: 'Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.'

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later another woman enters and says 'Father forgive me for I have sinned.'

Rabbi: 'What did you do?' Woman: 'I committed adultery.' Rabbi: 'How many times?' Woman: 'Just once.' Rabbi: 'Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5.'

I think I'm a chicken

Truly a nut case:

Psychiatrist: What's your problem?

Patient: I think I'm a chicken.

Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?

Patient: Ever since I was an egg!

at least twice as large

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, 'Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large'.

Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, ' We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows'.

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, 'And what are those'?

The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, 'Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas'?

bury the politicians

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.

Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer, 'What happened here?'

'There's been an accident', replied the farmer. The bus passengers were all politicians. I buried them all.'

'Were they all dead?' asked the Sherrif.

The old farmer replied, 'Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie.'

strong horse named Buddy

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, 'Pull, Nellie, pull.' Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, 'Pull, Buster, pull.' Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, 'Pull, Jennie, pull.' Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, 'Pull, Buddy, pull.' And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, 'Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!'

find help

Three women - one redhead, one brunette and one blonde were taking a trip through the desert when their 4x4 broke down. They waited a while for someone to come along and help but no other cars passed by.

So, they decided to walk to try and find help.

The redhead took a water canteen with her, explaining that if they came across some water or it rained, they had something to put it in.

The brunette took an umbrella so that it would protect them from the sun and also be useful for collecting any available water.

The blonde was grunting and groaning whilst struggling to remove a door from the broken down 4x4.

The other two women asked her what she was doing.

She said, 'I want to take this door with us so that if it gets too hot, we can always open the window'.

Are there any gators?!

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, 'Are there any gators around here?!'

'Naw,' the man hollered back, 'they ain't been around for years!'

'Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy,'How'd you get rid of the gators?'

'We didn't do nothin',' the beachcomber said.

'The sharks got 'em.'

watch dogs

A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'

'HellOOOooo,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs!'

'Did you see that?'

Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says, 'Did you see that?'

'No,' the second guy says.

'Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead,' the first guy says.

'Oh,' says the second guy.

A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, 'Did you see that?'

'See what?' the second guy asks.

'Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there.'

'Oh.'

A few minutes later the first guy says: 'Did you see that?'

By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says, 'Yes, I did!'

And the first guy says: 'Oh yeah?!, Then why did you step on it?'

the same place

Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up.

They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected and he said, 'The plane can only take four of your elk; you will have to leave two behind.'

They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when the attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness.

Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, 'Do you know where we are?' 'I think so,' replied the other hunter. I think this is about the same place where we landed last year!'

"Why Men are Just Happier People"

* Your last name stays put

* The garage is all yours

* Wedding plans take care of themselves

* Chocolate is just another snack

* You can be president

* You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park

* Car mechanics tell you the truth

* The world is your urinal

* You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky

* Same work, more pay

* Wrinkles add character

* Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100

* People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them

* The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected

* New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet

* One mood, ALL the time

* Phone conversations over in 30 seconds flat

* You know stuff about tanks

* A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase

* You can open all your own jars

* You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness

* If someone forgets to invite you to something, s/he can still be your friend

* Your underwear - $8.95 for a three-pack

* Everything on your face stays its original color

* You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt

* You almost never have strap problems in public

* You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes

* The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades

* You don't have to shave below your neck

* Your belly usually hides your big hips

* One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons

* You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife

* You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache

* You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes

"Class Reunion"

I had prepared for it like any intelligent woman would. I went on a starvation diet the day before, knowing that all the extra weight would just melt off in 24 hours, leaving me with my sleek, trim, high-school-girl body.

The many years of careful cellulite collection would just be gone with a snap of a finger. I knew if I didn't eat a morsel on Friday, that I could probably fit into my senior formal on Saturday.

Trotting up to the attic, I pulled the gown out of the garment bag, carried it lovingly downstairs, ran my hand over the fabric, and hung it on the door. I stripped naked, looked in the mirror, sighed, and thought, "Well, okay, maybe if I shift it all to the back ..." Bodies never have pockets where you need them.

Bravely, I took the gown off the hanger, unzipped the shimmering dress and stepped gingerly into it. I struggled, twisted, turned, and pulled and I got the formal all the way up to my knees ... before the zipper gave out. I was disappointed. I wanted to wear that dress with those silver platform sandals again, and dance the night away.

Okay, one setback was not going to spoil my mood for this affair. No way! Rolling the dress into a ball and tossing it into the corner, I turned to Plan B: the black velvet caftan.

I gathered up all the goodies that I had purchased at the drug store: the scented shower gel; the body building and highlighting shampoo and conditioner, the split-end killer and shine enhancer. Soon my hair would look like that girl's in the Pantene ads.

Then the makeup - the under eye "ain't no lines here" firming cream - the all-day face-lifting gravity-fighting moisturizer with wrinkle filler spackle - the all day "kiss me till my lips bleed, and see if this gloss will come off" lipstick - the bronzing face powder for that special glow. But first, the roll-on facial hair remover. I could feel the wrinkles shuddering in fear.

OK - time to get ready ... I jumped into the steaming shower, soaped, lathered, rinsed, shaved, tweezed, buffed, scrubbed and scoured my body to a tingling pink. I plastered my freshly scrubbed face with the anti-wrinkle, gravity fighting, "your face will look like a baby's butt" face cream. I set my hair on the hot rollers.

I felt wonderful. Ready to take on the world ... Or in this instance, my underwear.

With the towel firmly wrapped around my glistening body, I pulled out the black lace, tummy-tucking, cellulite-pushing, ham hock-rounding girdle, and the matching "lifting those bosoms like they're filled with helium" bra. I greased my body with the scented body lotion and began the plunge.

I pulled, stretched, tugged, hiked, folded, tucked, twisted, shimmied, hopped, pushed, wiggled, snapped, shook, caterpillar crawled and kicked. Sweat poured off my forehead but I was done. And it didn't look bad. So I rested.

A well deserved rest, too. The girdle was on my body. Bounce quarter off my behind? It was tighter than a trampoline. Can you say, "Rubber baby buggy bumper butt?"

Okay, so I had to take baby steps, walk sideways, and I couldn't move from my butt cheeks to my knees. But I was firm!

Oh no ... I had to go to the bathroom! And there wasn't a snap crotch. From now on, undies gotta have a snap crotch. I was ready to rip it and re-stitch the crotch with Velcro, but the pain factor from past experiments was still fresh in my mind.

I quickly side stepped to the bathroom. An hour later, I had answered nature's call and repeated the struggle into the girdle. I was ready for the bra.

I remembered what the saleslady said to do. I could see her glossed lips mouthing, "Do not fasten the bra in the front, and twist it around. Put the bra on the way it should be worn - straps over the shoulders. Then bend over and gently place both breasts inside the cups."

Easy if you have four hands. But, with confidence, I put my arms into the holsters, bent over and pulled the bra down ... but the boobs weren't cooperating. I'd no sooner tuck one in a cup, and while placing the other, the first would slip out. I needed a strategy.

I bounced up and down a few times, tried to dribble them in with short bunny hops, but that didn't work. So, while bent over, I began rocking gently back and forth on my heel and toes and I set 'em to swinging. Finally, on the fourth swing, pause, and lift, I captured the gliding glands.

Quickly fastening the back of the bra, I stood up for examination. Back straight, slightly arched, I turned and faced the mirror, turning, front, and then sideways. I smiled. Yes, Houston, we have lift up!

My breasts were high, firm and there was cleavage! I was happy until I tried to look down. I had a chin rest. And I couldn't see my feet. I still had to put on my pantyhose and shoes. Oh ... WHY did I buy heels with buckles?

Then I had to visit the bathroom again. I put on my sweats, fixed myself a drink, ordered pizza, and skipped the reunion.

Updated Employee Handbook

TO ALL EMPLOYEES
THIS IS THE NEW CODE PLEASE FOLLOW.

Updated Employee Handbook
Effective Immediately

DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.

ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical Order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.

THE MANAGEMENT

typical Texas baby

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and announced that his wife had just given birth to a typical Texas baby, weighing a whopping twenty pounds.

"Wow!" was the response from everyone at the bar.

Two weeks later, the Texan returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answered, "Ten pounds."

The bartender said, "Your kidding? I know that babies lose some weight after birth, but ten pounds? What happened?"

The proud Texas father boasted, "Just had him circumcised!"

"Ski Accident"

A man went on a ski trip, and was knocked unconscious by the chair lift.

He called his insurance company from the hospital, but it refused to cover his injury.

"Why is the injury not covered?" he asked.

"You got hit in the head by a chair lift," the insurance adjuster said. "That makes you an idiot, and we consider that a pre-existing condition."

seeing-eye dog

A elderly, blind man decided to do some shopping in town with his seeing-eye dog by his side.

When he stepped into one of the stores, he grabbed his dog by its tail, and began twirling the pooch in mid-air. Needless to say, this attracted some attention.

The store manager approached the blind man and asked, "Excuse me sir, but what the heck are you doing to that dog?"

The blind man replied, "Oh, I'm just taking a look around."

things between legs

Little Johnny accidentally walks in on his visiting grandfather while he is taking a shower. Little Johnny is surprised by the site of his grandfather in the nude and asks "Grandfather, what are those things hanging between your legs?"

"Those are the apples of the tree of life," his grandfather tells him proudly.

Impressed with the information, Little Johnny tells this to his grandmother, "BUT" she replies, "Did he happen to mention anything about that dead branch they're hanging from?"

good news and bad news

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The buyer was your doctor."

what he wants to be when he grows up

A man is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?"

"Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," the man replies.

To which his friend responds, "Strange ambition to have for a career."

"Yes, I suppose, but he thinks garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!"

water in the carburetor

My wife came home yesterday and said, "Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is."

I asked her what it was, and she told me there was water in the carburetor.
I thought for a moment, then said, "You know, I don't mean this offensively, but you don't know the carburetor from the accelerator."

"Okay, honey, that's fine," I said. "I'll go take a look... where is it?"

She replied, "In the lake."

Talented Hypnotist

It was opening night at the theatre and the
Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People
came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist
do his stuff.

As Claude took to the stage, he announced, 'Unlike
most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people
up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to
hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew
a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. I want
you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's
a very special watch. It's been in my family for six
generations.'

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while
quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch,
watch the watch....'

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed
back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch,
until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and
fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
'Shit!' said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.

success in job

Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement.

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place
and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs.
Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction.
At the end of that time, go back and see what they are
doing.

If they have taken the table apart in that time,
put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray,
assign them to Accounting.

If they are screaming and waving their arms,
send them off to Manufacturing.

If they are talking to the chairs,
Personnel is a good spot for them.

If they are writing up the experience,
send them to Tech Pubs.

If they don't even look up when you enter the room,
assign them to Security.

If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks,
send them to Marketing.

If they've left early, put them in Sales.

And if they are sleeping, they are Management material.

damn checking account

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to
the teller at the window, 'I want to open a damn
checking account.' To which the astonished
woman replies, 'I beg your pardon, sir; I must
have misunderstood you. What did you say?'

'Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn
checking account right now!'

'I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind
of language in this bank.'

So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes
over to the bank manager to tell him about her
situation. They both return and the manager asks
the old geezer, 'What seems to be the problem here?'

'There's no friggin problem, dammit!' the man says,
'I just won $50 million bucks in the damn lottery
and I want to open a damn checking account in
this damn bank!'

'I see,' says the manager, 'and this bitch is giving
you a damn hard time?'

we haven't had it

A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer,
'No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now,
and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon.'

Alarmed, the manager rushed over to the customer who
was walking out the door and said, 'That isn't true, ma'am.
Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an
order for it a couple of weeks ago.'

Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled,
'Never, never, never, never say we don't have something.
If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way.
Now, what was it she wanted?'

'Rain.'

a dog?

This is this dog
This is is dog
This is how dog
This is to dog
This is keep dog
This is a dog
This is dumb dog
This is busy dog
This is for dog
This is forty dog
This is seconds dog

Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top.

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