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DON'T TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUS

9 out of 10 women will do this!

9 out of 10 woman will read this, out of curiosity, 9 out of 10 men will read this, just to find out what 9 out of 10 WOMEN will do!!

So, We got your attention, right?

That's our point. We know exactly how to get our visitors attention. And now ......

http://www.1linksite.com Yellow Pages

Do you have a good Joke to tell?

reach the webmaster at ....> Feedback


Donkey story

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well.
The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer
tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided
the animal was old, and the well needed to be
covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve
the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help
him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel
dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was
happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's
amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked
down the well. He was astonished at what he saw.
With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey
was doing something amazing. He would shake it
off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt
on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take
a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the
donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and
happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt.
The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off
and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a
steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest
wells just by not stopping, never giving up!
Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.

4. Give more.

5. Expect less

NOW --------

Enough of that crap . .

The donkey later came back and bit the crap out
of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash
from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually
died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass,
it always comes back to bite you.

You have two choices...smile and close this page
or pass this along to someone else to spread the fun.
I know what I did!!


Hoya!

It was election time and a politician decided to go out to
the local reservation and try to get the Native American
vote. They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear
the speech. The politician had worked up to his finale,
and the crowd was getting more and more excited. 'I
promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!'

The crowd went wild, shouting 'Hoya! Hoya!' The politician
was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged
by their enthusiasm. 'I promise gambling reforms to allow
a Casino on the Reservation!'

'Hoya! Hoya!' cried the crowd, stomping their feet.

'I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for
Native Americans!' The crowd reached a frenzied pitch
shouting 'Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!'

After the speech, the Politician was touring the Reservation,
and saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised
on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief
if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle.

'Sure,' the Chief said, 'but be careful not to step in the hoya.'


SIGNS FOUND IN KITCHENS:

- I clean house every other day. Today is the other day!

- So this isn't Home Sweet Home... Adjust!

- Ring bell for Maid Service. If no answer, do it yourself!

- If you write in the dust, please don't date it!

- I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!

- My house was clean last week. Too bad you missed it!

- A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.

- I came. I saw. I decided to order take out.

- If you don't like my standards of cooking...lower your
standards.

- Apology. Although you'll find our house a mess, come in,
sit down, converse. It doesn't always look like this.
Some days it's even worse.

- A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is
delirious.

- If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.

- A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

- Help keep the kitchen clean. Eat out.

- My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines.

you can ask me questions

Attorney General Ashcroft was visiting an elementary
school. After the typical civics presentation, he
announced, 'All right, boys and girls, you can ask
me questions now.'

A little boy named Bobby raised his hand and said,
'Mr. Ashcroft, I have three questions. First, how did
Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore?
Second, why are you using the USA Patriot Act to
limit Americans' civil liberties? And third, why hasn't
the U.S. caught Osama Bin Laden yet?'

Just then the bell sounded and all the kids ran out
to the playground.

After lunch the kids were back in class and Attorney
General Ashcroft said, 'I'm sorry we were interrupted
by the bell. Now, you can ask me questions.'

A little girl raised her hand and said, 'Mr. Ashcroft, I
have five questions. First, how did Bush win the election
with fewer votes than Gore? Second, why are you using
the USA Patriot Act to limit Americans' civil liberties?
Third, why hasn't the U.S. caught Osama Bin Laden yet?
Fourth, why did the bell go off 20 minutes early?
And fifth, where's Bobby?'


kidnap a kid

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise money,
she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

So she went to a playground, grabbed a kid, and took him
behind a tree. 'I've kidnapped you!', said the blonde and
then proceeded to write a note saying, 'I've kidnapped
your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag
and place it under the pecan tree next to the playground.
Signed, A Blonde.'

The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and
sent him home to show his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked under the tree and
surely enough, a paper bag was sitting there. The Blonde
opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that
said, 'How could you do this to a fellow blonde?'


Inside card

1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
Now that  you've come into my life.
(Inside card) - I've changed my mind.

2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
(Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until I met you.

3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am....
(Inside card) - That you're not here to ruin it for me.

4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go....
(Inside card) - Will you take the knife from my back?
You'll probably need  it again.

5. Someday I hope to marry...
(Inside card) - Someone other than you.

6. When we were together, you said you'd die for me...
(Inside card) - Now we've broken up, I think it's time
to keep your promise.

7. We've been friends for a very long time...
(Inside card) - What do you say we stop?

8. I'm so miserable without you...
(Inside card) - It's almost like you're still here.

9. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy....
(Inside card) - Did you ever find out who the father was?

10. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking
ship and there was only one life jacket...
(Inside card) - I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.

11. Your friends and I wanted to do something special
for your birthday...
(Inside card) - So we're having you put to sleep.

12. Looking back over the years we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
(Inside card) - What was I thinking?

13. Congratulations on your wedding day...
(Inside card) - Too bad no one likes your husband.


A Chain Letter you might want to use (For Women Only).

This letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other
tired and discouraged women. Unlike most chain letters,
this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy of this
letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and
discontented. Then bundle up your boyfriend and send
him to the woman whose name appears at the top of this
list and add your name to the bottom. When your turn
comes, you will receive 16,255 men. One of them is bound
to be better than the one you had!  At the time of writing this,
a friend of mine had already received 184 men, 4 of whom
were worth keeping!

Remember - this chain brings luck!

You can be lucky too, so DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN.

One woman broke the chain and got her own boyfriend back!


Let's Test Your Powers of Abstract Thought!

Here it is, so pay attention.....
Correctly answer the following riddle:

"There are three birds sitting on a telephone wire.
Two decide to fly away.
How many are left?"

Explain your answer here ---> Feedback

It's not as crazy a riddle as it sounds, so give it some thought before you answer!
I have a very, VERY specific reason for asking it.
Don't give JUST a number as your answer.
You must also explain WHY you chose that particular number.
So give it some thought and send in your entry.
Show the WebMaster of 1linksite.com just how clever you are!

Explain your answer here ---> at ....> Feedback


"What "gender" is a computer"?

An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language. He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she." One of the students raised their hand and asked "What "gender" is a computer"? The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because: 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieve. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


'I'll never understand women.'

Max sat at the bar totally dejected. The bartender served him his second drink and said, 'What's wrong pal?'

'I'll never understand women.' Max said. 'The other night my wife threw me a birthday party. She told me that later on, as her gift to me, I could do with her whatever I wanted.'

'Wow!' said the bartender. 'But why so unhappy? That sounds like quite a gift to me.'

'Well, ' Max went on, 'I thought about it and sent her home to her Mother. Now she won't even speak to me.'


TO EXCERCISE OR NOT TO EXCERCISE

1. It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you, at age 85, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5,000 per month.

2. My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She is now 70 and we don't know where she is.

3. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

4. I joined a health club last year, spent about $400. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

5. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I am doing.

6. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

7. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

8. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

9. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

10. If you are going to try cross country skiing, start with a small country.

11. And last, but not least, I don't jog - it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.


=== Seeing Eye Dogs ===

Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with the Doberman said to his friend, 'Let's go over to that bar and get something to drink.'

The guy with the Chihuahua said, 'We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us.' The one with the Doberman said, 'Just follow my lead.'

They walked over to the bar and the guy with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the bar.

The bouncer at the door said, 'Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed.' The man with the Doberman said, 'You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog.' The bouncer said, 'A Doberman pinscher?' The man said, 'Yes, they're using them now. They're very good.' The bouncer said, 'OK then, come on in.'

The buddy with the Chihuahua figured he'd try it too so he put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the bar. He knew his story would be a bit more unbelievable.

Once again the bouncer said, 'Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.' The man with the Chihuahua said, 'You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog.' The bouncer said, 'A Chihuahua?' The man with the Chihuahua said, 'A Chihuahua?!? A Chihuahua?!? They gave me a friggin' Chihuahua??


`````````` ** New Baby Brother ** ```````````

It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child, was home alone with her 3 year old daughter, Katelyn.

When Heidi started to go into labor she called "911." Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his feet, and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help, asked the wide eyed 3 year old Katelyn what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. ......... Spank him again!"


Marketing Anonymous: Finally, a definition of Marketing that makes sense....

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed."

That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, I hear you're fantastic in bed."

That's Brand Recognition.


=== The Gorgeous Doctor ===

A woman went to her new doctor for a checkup.

He turned out to be absolutely gorgeous!

He told her he was going to put his hand on her back and he wanted her to say "Eighty-eight."

"Eighty-eight," she purred.

"Good. Now I'm going to put my hand on your throat and I want you to again say 'Eighty-eight.'"

"Eighhty...eighhhhtttt."

"Fine. Now I'm going to put my hand on your chest and I want you once more to say 'Eighty-eight.'"

"One, two, three, four, five..."


Dear Dad, Dear Son,

Dear Dad,
Univer$ity i$ really great. I'm making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love, Your $on.

.....

Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love, Dad


a blind man

A nun in the convent walked into the bathroom where mother superior was taking a shower. 'There is a blind man to see you, she says. 'Well, if he is a blind man, than it does not matter if I'm in the shower. Send him in.'

The blind man walks into the bathroom, and mother superior starts to tell him how much she appreciates him working at the convent for them. She goes on and on and 10 minutes later the man interrupts: 'That's nice and all, ma'am, but you can put your clothes on now. Where do you want me to put these blinds?'


a 3-day pass

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.

The CO says 'Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!'

So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!

The CO was so impressed, he asked 'How did you do it?'

'Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, 'Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!'


don't step on the ducks

These 3 ladies died in a car wreak at the same time and all went to heaven. They meet St Peter at the gate and he told them they can do anything and go any where just don't step on the ducks.

One of the ladies turned around and stepped right on a duck, here comes Saint peter with the ugliest man she had ever seen and handcuffed him to her. St Peter said this is for stepping on a duck.

About a week later another of the ladies stepped on a duck and here comes St. Peter with another very ugly man. Well the 3rd lady seeing all these and thinking I don't want to spend all of eternity handcuffed to an ugly man became very carefull not to step on a duck. Several weeks went by and here comes St Peter with the most handsome man she had ever seen and St Peter hand cuffed the man to her. She asked what did I do to earn such a reward? The man said I don't know but I stepped on a duck.


'What did the doctor say?'

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said,' Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.'

'Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress.'

'Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by being pleasant and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television.'

'And, most importantly satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.'

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, 'What did the doctor say?'

'You're going to die,' she replied.


IDIOTS

IDIOTS and RETAIL
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

IDIOTS and COMPUTERS
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: 'I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?'

AN IDIOT'S IDIOT
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message 'He's lying' was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the 'lie detector' was working, the suspect confessed.


'That's intelligence!'

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, 'Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?' 'I don't know,' responded the other. 'I'll ask him.'

So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. 'Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?' 'Intelligence,' the boss said.

'What do you mean, 'intelligence'?'

The boss said, 'Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can.' The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, 'That's intelligence!'

The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, 'What did he say?' 'He said we are down here because of intelligence.'

'What's intelligence?' said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, 'Take your shovel and hit my hand.'


Indian Wisdom

The old Chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the US government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You have observed his wars and his material wealth. You have seen his progress and the damage he has done."

The Chief nodded that it was so.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it.

No taxes
No debt
Plenty buffalo
Plenty beaver
Women did all the work
Medicine man free
Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing,
all night made love to his woman."

Then the Chief leaned back and smiled, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."


address an officer

Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?

Soldier: Sure, buddy.

Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again.

Do you have change for a dollar?

Soldier: No, SIR!


a blonde was using your computer?

How will you know if a blonde was using your computer?

There could be two ways:

First, there's liquid paper on your computer screen;

or

There's cheese next to the mouse.


what hell really is

One day a young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her Mother - 'Mom, Bobby just proposed to me an hour ago.'

'Then why are you so sad?' her Mother asked.

'Well, he also told me that he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe that hell exists!'

Her mother replied, 'Honey, marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him what hell really is!'


Say two Hail Mary's

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unmanned, he called a rabbi friend up and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional.

In a few minutes a woman comes in and says 'Father forgive me for I have sinned.' The priest asks 'What did you do?'. The woman says 'I Committed adultery.' Priest: 'How many times?' Woman: 'Three times.' Priest: 'Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.'

A few minutes later another woman enters the confessional. She says 'Father forgive me for I have sinned.' Priest: 'What did you do?' Woman: 'I committed adultery.' Priest: 'How many times?' Woman: 'Three times.' Priest: 'Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.'

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later another woman enters and says 'Father forgive me for I have sinned.'

Rabbi: 'What did you do?' Woman: 'I committed adultery.' Rabbi: 'How many times?' Woman: 'Just once.' Rabbi: 'Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5.'


I think I'm a chicken

Truly a nut case:

Psychiatrist: What's your problem?

Patient: I think I'm a chicken.

Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?

Patient: Ever since I was an egg!


at least twice as large

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, 'Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large'.

Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, ' We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows'.

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, 'And what are those'?

The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, 'Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas'?


bury the politicians

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.

Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer, 'What happened here?'

'There's been an accident', replied the farmer. The bus passengers were all politicians. I buried them all.'

'Were they all dead?' asked the Sherrif.

The old farmer replied, 'Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie.'


strong horse named Buddy

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, 'Pull, Nellie, pull.' Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, 'Pull, Buster, pull.' Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, 'Pull, Jennie, pull.' Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, 'Pull, Buddy, pull.' And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, 'Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!'


find help

Three women - one redhead, one brunette and one blonde were taking a trip through the desert when their 4x4 broke down. They waited a while for someone to come along and help but no other cars passed by.

So, they decided to walk to try and find help.

The redhead took a water canteen with her, explaining that if they came across some water or it rained, they had something to put it in.

The brunette took an umbrella so that it would protect them from the sun and also be useful for collecting any available water.

The blonde was grunting and groaning whilst struggling to remove a door from the broken down 4x4.

The other two women asked her what she was doing.

She said, 'I want to take this door with us so that if it gets too hot, we can always open the window'.


Are there any gators?!

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, 'Are there any gators around here?!'

'Naw,' the man hollered back, 'they ain't been around for years!'

'Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy,'How'd you get rid of the gators?'

'We didn't do nothin',' the beachcomber said.

'The sharks got 'em.'


watch dogs

A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'

'HellOOOooo,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs!'


'Did you see that?'

Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says, 'Did you see that?'

'No,' the second guy says.

'Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead,' the first guy says.

'Oh,' says the second guy.

A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, 'Did you see that?'

'See what?' the second guy asks.

'Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there.'

'Oh.'

A few minutes later the first guy says: 'Did you see that?'

By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says, 'Yes, I did!'

And the first guy says: 'Oh yeah?!, Then why did you step on it?'


the same place

Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up.

They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected and he said, 'The plane can only take four of your elk; you will have to leave two behind.'

They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when the attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness.

Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, 'Do you know where we are?' 'I think so,' replied the other hunter. I think this is about the same place where we landed last year!'


"Why Men are Just Happier People"

* Your last name stays put

* The garage is all yours

* Wedding plans take care of themselves

* Chocolate is just another snack

* You can be president

* You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park

* Car mechanics tell you the truth

* The world is your urinal

* You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky

* Same work, more pay

* Wrinkles add character

* Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100

* People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them

* The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected

* New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet

* One mood, ALL the time

* Phone conversations over in 30 seconds flat

* You know stuff about tanks

* A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase

* You can open all your own jars

* You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness

* If someone forgets to invite you to something, s/he can still be your friend

* Your underwear - $8.95 for a three-pack

* Everything on your face stays its original color

* You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt

* You almost never have strap problems in public

* You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes

* The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades

* You don't have to shave below your neck

* Your belly usually hides your big hips

* One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons

* You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife

* You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache

* You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes


"Class Reunion"

I had prepared for it like any intelligent woman would. I went on a starvation diet the day before, knowing that all the extra weight would just melt off in 24 hours, leaving me with my sleek, trim, high-school-girl body.

The many years of careful cellulite collection would just be gone with a snap of a finger. I knew if I didn't eat a morsel on Friday, that I could probably fit into my senior formal on Saturday.

Trotting up to the attic, I pulled the gown out of the garment bag, carried it lovingly downstairs, ran my hand over the fabric, and hung it on the door. I stripped naked, looked in the mirror, sighed, and thought, "Well, okay, maybe if I shift it all to the back ..." Bodies never have pockets where you need them.

Bravely, I took the gown off the hanger, unzipped the shimmering dress and stepped gingerly into it. I struggled, twisted, turned, and pulled and I got the formal all the way up to my knees ... before the zipper gave out. I was disappointed. I wanted to wear that dress with those silver platform sandals again, and dance the night away.

Okay, one setback was not going to spoil my mood for this affair. No way! Rolling the dress into a ball and tossing it into the corner, I turned to Plan B: the black velvet caftan.

I gathered up all the goodies that I had purchased at the drug store: the scented shower gel; the body building and highlighting shampoo and conditioner, the split-end killer and shine enhancer. Soon my hair would look like that girl's in the Pantene ads.

Then the makeup - the under eye "ain't no lines here" firming cream - the all-day face-lifting gravity-fighting moisturizer with wrinkle filler spackle - the all day "kiss me till my lips bleed, and see if this gloss will come off" lipstick - the bronzing face powder for that special glow. But first, the roll-on facial hair remover. I could feel the wrinkles shuddering in fear.

OK - time to get ready ... I jumped into the steaming shower, soaped, lathered, rinsed, shaved, tweezed, buffed, scrubbed and scoured my body to a tingling pink. I plastered my freshly scrubbed face with the anti-wrinkle, gravity fighting, "your face will look like a baby's butt" face cream. I set my hair on the hot rollers.

I felt wonderful. Ready to take on the world ... Or in this instance, my underwear.

With the towel firmly wrapped around my glistening body, I pulled out the black lace, tummy-tucking, cellulite-pushing, ham hock-rounding girdle, and the matching "lifting those bosoms like they're filled with helium" bra. I greased my body with the scented body lotion and began the plunge.

I pulled, stretched, tugged, hiked, folded, tucked, twisted, shimmied, hopped, pushed, wiggled, snapped, shook, caterpillar crawled and kicked. Sweat poured off my forehead but I was done. And it didn't look bad. So I rested.

A well deserved rest, too. The girdle was on my body. Bounce quarter off my behind? It was tighter than a trampoline. Can you say, "Rubber baby buggy bumper butt?"

Okay, so I had to take baby steps, walk sideways, and I couldn't move from my butt cheeks to my knees. But I was firm!

Oh no ... I had to go to the bathroom! And there wasn't a snap crotch. From now on, undies gotta have a snap crotch. I was ready to rip it and re-stitch the crotch with Velcro, but the pain factor from past experiments was still fresh in my mind.

I quickly side stepped to the bathroom. An hour later, I had answered nature's call and repeated the struggle into the girdle. I was ready for the bra.

I remembered what the saleslady said to do. I could see her glossed lips mouthing, "Do not fasten the bra in the front, and twist it around. Put the bra on the way it should be worn - straps over the shoulders. Then bend over and gently place both breasts inside the cups."

Easy if you have four hands. But, with confidence, I put my arms into the holsters, bent over and pulled the bra down ... but the boobs weren't cooperating. I'd no sooner tuck one in a cup, and while placing the other, the first would slip out. I needed a strategy.

I bounced up and down a few times, tried to dribble them in with short bunny hops, but that didn't work. So, while bent over, I began rocking gently back and forth on my heel and toes and I set 'em to swinging. Finally, on the fourth swing, pause, and lift, I captured the gliding glands.

Quickly fastening the back of the bra, I stood up for examination. Back straight, slightly arched, I turned and faced the mirror, turning, front, and then sideways. I smiled. Yes, Houston, we have lift up!

My breasts were high, firm and there was cleavage! I was happy until I tried to look down. I had a chin rest. And I couldn't see my feet. I still had to put on my pantyhose and shoes. Oh ... WHY did I buy heels with buckles?

Then I had to visit the bathroom again. I put on my sweats, fixed myself a drink, ordered pizza, and skipped the reunion.


Updated Employee Handbook

TO ALL EMPLOYEES
THIS IS THE NEW CODE PLEASE FOLLOW.

Updated Employee Handbook
Effective Immediately

DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 and Dec. 25

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.

ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical Order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.

THE MANAGEMENT


typical Texas baby

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and announced that his wife had just given birth to a typical Texas baby, weighing a whopping twenty pounds.

"Wow!" was the response from everyone at the bar.

Two weeks later, the Texan returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answered, "Ten pounds."

The bartender said, "Your kidding? I know that babies lose some weight after birth, but ten pounds? What happened?"

The proud Texas father boasted, "Just had him circumcised!"


"Ski Accident"

A man went on a ski trip, and was knocked unconscious by the chair lift.

He called his insurance company from the hospital, but it refused to cover his injury.

"Why is the injury not covered?" he asked.

"You got hit in the head by a chair lift," the insurance adjuster said. "That makes you an idiot, and we consider that a pre-existing condition."


seeing-eye dog

A elderly, blind man decided to do some shopping in town with his seeing-eye dog by his side.

When he stepped into one of the stores, he grabbed his dog by its tail, and began twirling the pooch in mid-air. Needless to say, this attracted some attention.

The store manager approached the blind man and asked, "Excuse me sir, but what the heck are you doing to that dog?"

The blind man replied, "Oh, I'm just taking a look around."


things between legs

Little Johnny accidentally walks in on his visiting grandfather while he is taking a shower. Little Johnny is surprised by the site of his grandfather in the nude and asks "Grandfather, what are those things hanging between your legs?"

"Those are the apples of the tree of life," his grandfather tells him proudly.

Impressed with the information, Little Johnny tells this to his grandmother, "BUT" she replies, "Did he happen to mention anything about that dead branch they're hanging from?"


good news and bad news

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The buyer was your doctor."


what he wants to be when he grows up

A man is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?"

"Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," the man replies.

To which his friend responds, "Strange ambition to have for a career."

"Yes, I suppose, but he thinks garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!"


water in the carburetor

My wife came home yesterday and said, "Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is."

I asked her what it was, and she told me there was water in the carburetor.
I thought for a moment, then said, "You know, I don't mean this offensively, but you don't know the carburetor from the accelerator."

"Okay, honey, that's fine," I said. "I'll go take a look... where is it?"

She replied, "In the lake."


Talented Hypnotist

It was opening night at the theatre and the
Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People
came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist
do his stuff.

As Claude took to the stage, he announced, 'Unlike
most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people
up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to
hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew
a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. I want
you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's
a very special watch. It's been in my family for six
generations.'

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while
quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch,
watch the watch....'

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed
back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch,
until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and
fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
'Shit!' said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.


Formal Inquiry

The husband finally wised up to the fact that his wife
was less than faithful. He hired a private investigator
to follow her and in less than a week, had all the
information that he needed on the' other man'.

The husband convinced himself that his would still be
a loving and trustworthy marriage had not this S.O.B.
come onto the scene. Being a man of the 90's and all,
he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to
be sophisticated and business-like manner.

He sent the following e-mail to his wife's lover:

Sir, It has been brought to my attention that for some
time now you have been carrying on an affair with my
wife. So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent
fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM on Friday next.

The 'other man' was highly amused by the husband's
formal manner and sent the following reply:

Dear Sir, I have received a copy of the your mass mailing
this morning. You may be advised that I will attend the
scheduled conference in your office's auditorium.

success in job

Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement.

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place
and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs.
Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction.
At the end of that time, go back and see what they are
doing.

If they have taken the table apart in that time,
put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray,
assign them to Accounting.

If they are screaming and waving their arms,
send them off to Manufacturing.

If they are talking to the chairs,
Personnel is a good spot for them.

If they are writing up the experience,
send them to Tech Pubs.

If they don't even look up when you enter the room,
assign them to Security.

If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks,
send them to Marketing.

If they've left early, put them in Sales.

And if they are sleeping, they are Management material.


damn checking account

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to
the teller at the window, 'I want to open a damn
checking account.' To which the astonished
woman replies, 'I beg your pardon, sir; I must
have misunderstood you. What did you say?'

'Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn
checking account right now!'

'I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind
of language in this bank.'

So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes
over to the bank manager to tell him about her
situation. They both return and the manager asks
the old geezer, 'What seems to be the problem here?'

'There's no friggin problem, dammit!' the man says,
'I just won $50 million bucks in the damn lottery
and I want to open a damn checking account in
this damn bank!'

'I see,' says the manager, 'and this bitch is giving
you a damn hard time?'


Prison is Better

IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you have
to pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON...there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK...they are called managers.

we haven't had it

A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer,
'No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now,
and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon.'

Alarmed, the manager rushed over to the customer who
was walking out the door and said, 'That isn't true, ma'am.
Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an
order for it a couple of weeks ago.'

Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled,
'Never, never, never, never say we don't have something.
If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way.
Now, what was it she wanted?'

'Rain.'


a dog?

This is this dog
This is is dog
This is how dog
This is to dog
This is keep dog
This is a dog
This is dumb dog
This is busy dog
This is for dog
This is forty dog
This is seconds dog

Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top.


AUTOPSY CLASS

An autopsy professor was giving an introductory
lecture to a class of students. Standing over a
corpse, he addressed the class. 'There are two
things you need to have if you want to make a
career in medical forensics.

First, you must have no fear.' Having said that,
he shoved his finger up the corpse's anus and
licked it. 'Now you must do the same,' he told
the class.

After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence,
the class did as instructed.

'Second,' the professor continued, 'you must
have an acute sense of observation. For instance,
how many of you have noticed that I put my middle
finger up this corpse's anus, but licked my index finger?'

NEW BEER WARNING LABELS

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American
beer brewers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that
the following warning labels be placed immediately on
all beer containers:

1. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave
you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.

2. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make
you think you are whispering when you are not.

3. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major
factor in dancing like a retard.

4. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause
you to tell your friends over and over again that you love
them.

5. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause
you to think you can sing.

6. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make
you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting
in you getting your ass kicked.

7. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create
the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and
better looking than most people.

8. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead
you to believe you are invisible.

9. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead
you to think people are laughing WITH you.

10. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead
you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you
to telephone them at four in the morning.

reduce anyone's weight

This fat guy sees an ad for a new gym guaranteeing
to reduce anyone's weight by 5, 10 or 20 kilograms
on the first day. So he goes and tells them he wants
to lose 5 kg. They strip him and lead him into a huge
gym with all kinds of ropes and parallel bars and
ladders and tell him to wait a minute. He's standing
there when on the far side of the gym a door opens
and out steps a gorgeous blonde, stark naked, with
a sign saying, 'If you catch me, I'm yours.'

He starts running, and just as he gets close, she
starts picking up speed. Before he knows it, he's
running all over the gym, up the ladders, down the
ladders, across the parallel bars, here and there.
And just as he's about to catch the blonde, pop,
she disappears through a door. In comes the
management who lead him to the showers, and
then weigh him. Sure enough, he lost exactly 5 kg.

He's back on the street and starts to think.

'Jesus, I was so close to catching her. If only I
had a little more time...'

So he races back to the gym and says, 'I want
to lose 20 more kg.'

'No problem,' says the manager.

Again he strips, and is led to the large gym.
This time he's standing by the door when it opens.
Out comes a large gorilla with a sign

'If I catch you, you're mine.'


calling out to owls

Each evening birdlover Tom stood in his backyard,
hooting like an owl - and one night, an owl called
back to him.  For a year, the man and his feathered
friend hooted back and forth.  He even kept a log of
the 'conversation.'  Just as he thought he was on the
verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication,
his wife had a chat with her next door neighbor.

'My husband spends his nights ... calling out to owls,'
she said.

'That's odd,' the neighbor replied. 'So does my husband.'


a pub in Ireland

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his
voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, 'I hear you
Irish are a bunch of drunken' fools. I'll give $500
American dollars to anybody in here who can drink
10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.'

The room is quiet, and no one takes of the Texan's
offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left
shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.
'Is your bet still good?' he asks.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line
up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman
tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all
back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits down
in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500
and says, 'If ya don't mind my askin', where did ya'll go
for that 30 minutes you were gone?'

The Irishman replies, 'Oh...I had to go to the pub down
the street to see if I could do it first.'


Thoughts to chew on...

1. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day;
teach that person to use the Internet and they won't
bother you for weeks.
2. Some people are like Slinkies... not really good
for anything, but you still can't help but smile when
ou see one tumble down the stairs.
3. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
4. Have you noticed that since everyone has a
camcorder these days no one talks about seeing
UFOs anymore.
5. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
6. All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to criticism.
7. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two
hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves
you thirty cents?
8. In the 60's people took acid to make the world
weird. Now the world is weird and people take
Prozac to make it normal.
9. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest
profession. I have come to realize that it bears
a very close resemblance to the first.
10. How is it one careless match can start a forest
fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?


triumph over youth

An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic
tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The
pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when
it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond,
as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and
laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a
bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He
made the women aware of his presence and they all went
to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out
until you leave!'

The old man replied, 'I didn't come down here to watch
you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked.
I only came to feed the alligator'.

Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth
and aggression every time.


ISN'T ENGLISH A FUNNY LANGUAGE ?

There is no egg in eggplant or ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in  pineapple...
Is cheese the plural of choose?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a
humanitarian eat?
In what language do people recite at a play, and play
at a recital?
Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which
aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted.  But if we  explore its
paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly,
boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither
from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't
fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural
of booth beeth?
One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese?
One index, two indices?

How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as
hell another?
When a house burns up, it burns  down.

You fill in a form by filling it out, and an alarm
clock goes off by going on.
When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the
lights are out, they are invisible.
And why, when I wind up my  watch, I start it, but
when I wind up this essay, I end it?

English muffins were not invented in England or
French fries in France.


the same cow?!

A man takes his wife to the cattle show. They start heading
down the alley that houses all the bulls. The sign on the first
bull's stall states 'This bull mated 50 times last year.' The
wife turns to her husband and says, 'He mated 50 times
in a year, isn't that nice!.'

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: 'This
bull mated 65 times last year.' The wife turns to her husband
and says, 'This one mated 65 times last year. That is over
5 times a month. You could learn from this one!'

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: 'This
bull mated 365 times last year.' The wife's mouth drops
open and says, 'WOW! He mated 365 times last year.
That is ONCE A DAY!! You could really learn from this one.'

The anoyed man turns to his wife and says, 'Go up and
inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow?!'


The Mommy Test

I was out walking with my then 4-year-old daughter, when she picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth, and I asked her not to do that.

"Why?" questioned my daughter.

"Because it's been laying outside and is dirty and probably has germs.", I explained.

At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"

"Uh," I was thinking quickly everyone knows this stuff. "Um, it's on the Mommy test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."

"Oh." Responded my daughter.

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. "I get it!" she beamed. "Then if you flunk, you have to be the Daddy."


score of 150%

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic.

He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I was wondering if there had been an error, which needed adjusting."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler."


have you ever seen anything like this before?

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat. After he finished, he headed to the kitchen to raid the refrigerator.

The wife comes home sooner than expected, and heads to the bathroom, sits down and gets the toilet seat stuck to her rear. She becomes upset and in a panic shouts to her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat to cover the stuck seat, and off they go.

When they get to the doctor's office, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament.

The man asked, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"

"Well, yes." the doctor replied. "But never framed."


'sexual intercourse'

Little Johnny was staying with his grandmother for a few days.

He'd been playing outside for a while when he came into the house and asked, "Grandma, what is it called when people are sleeping on top of each other?"

She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called 'sexual intercourse', darling."

Little Johnny just said, "OK" and went back outside to play. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is NOT called 'sexual intercourse'! It's called bunk beds!"


don't affect me

The church was full. A young woman with a wonderful figure, and not nearly enough clothes to hide it all, came in late. She strode down the center aisle, close to the front, and sat down.

It was plain to the preacher that he had lost all the men at the service to this voluptuous beauty. He shook his hands at her and said, "You are the Jezebel. The good book tells us about the likes of you. You have corrupted the mind of every man in this building with evil thoughts. But", the preacher continued, " I am a man of God! You don't affect me, you evil woman. Right now up in Heaven, Saint Finger is shaking his Peter at you!"


In my next life, I want to be a pig

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Do not try this at home. Maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes... lucky pig.. can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm........)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing....)

A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??)


fine looking woman

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner table He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks at the biggest, meanest one in the face and says, "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker, and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad, but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time, and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders, looks him square in the eyes and says, "Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk !"


where God lives

A Sunday school teacher was teaching his class of
3 to 6 year olds. He asks, 'Can anyone tell me where
God lives?'  A little boy raises his hand.

Teacher: So where do you think God lives?

Boy: He lives in my bathroom.

Teacher: And what makes you think God lives in
your bathroom?

Boy: Because, every morning my dad goes to the
bathroom and says, 'MY GOD ARE YOU STILL 
IN THERE?'


find a suitable partner

A young lady visited the government matchmaker for marriage
and requested, 'I'm looking for a spouse. Could you please
help me to find a suitable partner?'

The marriage officer said, 'Your requirements please.'

'Well, let me see. Needs to be good looking, polite,
humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and
dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home
during my leisure hour if I don't go out. Telling me
interesting stories when I need companion for
conversation and be silent when I want to rest.'

The officer listened carefully and replied, 'I understand.
You need a television!'


Just some thoughts...

If people from Poland are called 'Poles', why
aren't people from Holland called 'Holes'?

Do you suppose infants enjoy infancy as much
as adults enjoy adultery?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs?
Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Why is the man who invests all your money called
a broker?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it
say?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a
pianist but a person who drives a race car not
called a racist?

Why isn't 11 pronounced 'onety one'?

'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the
English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the
longest sentence?

Why is it that if someone tells you there are 1
billion stars in our galaxy you will believe
them. But if they tell you a wall has wet paint,
you have to touch it to be sure?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
Is it allowed to drink tea during cofee breaks?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with
tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what
do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

If olive oil comes from olives, and corn oil comes
from corn, where does baby oil come from?


'The Bowling Excuse'

Dave works hard at the office and often comes home late.
So, for his birthday, his wife wants him to relax and enjoy
himself. She decided to take him to a Hollywood strip club.

When they arrive, the doorman says, 'Dave, how's it going?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this place before.
'No,' answers Dave. 'That fellow is on my bowling team.'

When they're seated, a waitress asks Dave if he like his
usual Sam Adams.

His wife is getting uncomfortable and says, 'You must come
here a lot for her to know that you drink Sam Adams?'

'No,' he replies. 'She's in the ladies' bowling league.
My team shares lanes with them.'

Just then a stripper comes over and says, 'Want your
usual lap dance, Davy?'

With that, Dave's wife can't take it anymore and storms
out of the strip club.  She quickly hails a cab, but
before she can slam the door,  Dave jumps in after her.
Immediately, she start screaming at him.

The cabby turns around and says, 'Hoola, Dave. Looks
like you picked up a real tiger tonight!'


Men are like.....

Men are like.....Coffee.  The best ones are rich, warm,
full-bodied, and can keep you up all night long.
Men are like.....Chocolate Bars.  Sweet, smooth, and
they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like.....Blenders.  You need one, but you're not
quite sure why.
Men are like.....Coolers.  Load them with beer and you
can take them anywhere.
Men are like.....Copiers.  You need them for reproduction,
but that's about it.
Men are like.....Curling irons.  They're always hot, and
they're always in your hair.
Men are like.....Government bonds.  They take so long
to mature.
Men are like.....High heels.  They're easy to walk on once
you get the hang of it.
Men are like.....Horoscopes.  They always tell you what to
do and are usually wrong.
Men are like.....Lava lamps.  Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like.....Laxatives.  They irritate the poop out of you.
Men are like.....Mascara.  They usually run at the first sign
of emotion.
Men are like.....Mini skirts.  If you're not careful, they'll creep up
your legs.
Men are like.....Noodles.  They're always in hot water, they
lack taste, and they need dough.
Men are like.....Plungers.  They spend most of their lives in
a hardware store or the bathroom.
Men are like.....Popcorn.  They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like.....Place mats.  They only show up when there's
food on the table.
Men are like.....Used Cars.  Both are easy-to-get, cheap, and unreliable.
Men are like.....Weather.  Nothing can be done to change either one of
them.


Inner Strength...

1.If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
2.If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
3.If you can resist complaining and boring people with
your troubles,
4.If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful
for it,
5.If you can understand when loved ones are too busy
to give you time,
6.If you can overlook when people take things out on you
when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
7.If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
8.If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
9.If you can conquer tension without medical help,
10.If you can relax without liquor,
11.If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
12.If you can do all these things, then you are probably
the family puppy!


losing some of load

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up.
She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and
knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window,
and she says 'Hi, my name is Heather and you are
losing some of your load.' The trucker ignores her and
proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl
catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up
and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers
the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde
says brightly, 'Hi my name is Heather, and you are
losing some of your load!'

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and
continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs
up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the
window. Again she says 'Hi, my name is Heather,
and you are losing some of your load!'

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and
races to the next light. When he stops this time, he
hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the
blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers
it, he says...'Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in West
Virginia, and I'm driving a SALT TRUCK!'


'Ben who?'

Lee wasn't the brightest guy in the world, and his co-workers
were continually ribbing him on the job. One in particular,
Rick, would greet him each morning and precipitate this
exchange:

'Say Lee, you seen Ben?'

'Ben who?'

'Ben' down and kiss my $$$!'

Tired of falling for the same joke day after day, Lee
confided in his friend Susie who said, 'Listen, next time
you see Rick, ask him if he's seen Eileen. Rick will ask,
'Eileen who?', and you say, 'I lean over and you kiss MY $$$.'

Memorizing his lines, Lee went to work early to wait for Rick.
As soon as he arrived, Lee ran over to him.

'Hey Rick,' he said, 'have you seen Eileen?'

'No,' Rick answered, 'she ran off with Ben.'

Lee frowned, 'Ben who?'


Dogs

Dogs lie around all day sprawled on the most comfortable
piece of furniture in the house.

They can hear a package of food opening half a block away,
but don't hear you when you're in the same room.

They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.

They growl when they are not happy.

When you want to play they want to play.

When you want to be alone they want to play.

They are great at begging.

They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.

They leave their toys everywhere.

They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try
to give you a kiss.

Conclusion: They're tiny men in little fur coats.


*The perfect worker!!!!!!*

1   Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2   hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3   wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4   thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5   finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6   measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7   breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8   vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9   knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.

Addendum:
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the
report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the
odd numbered lines.


pretend you're a statue

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her
husband opening the front door.

'Hurry!' she said, 'stand in the corner.' She quickly rubbed
baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum
powder.  'Don't move until I tell you to,' she whispered,
'just pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this honey?' the husband inquired as he entered
the room.

'Oh, it's just a statue', she replied nonchalantly.  'The
Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much,
I got one for us.'

No more was said about the statue, not even later that
night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed,
went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a
sandwich and a glass of milk.

'Here,' he said to the 'statue', 'eat something.
I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three
days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water!'


Rated: PG

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the
boy asks, 'What are these, Dad?'

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, 'Those are
called condoms, son.... Men use them to have safe sex.'

'Oh I see,' replied the boys pensively. 'Yes, I've heard
of that in health class at school.' He looks over the
display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, 'Why
are there 3 in this package.'

The dad replies, 'Those are for high school boys. One
for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.'

'Cool!' says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks,
'Then who are these for?' 'Those are for college men.'
the dad answers, 'TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday,
and TWO for Sunday.'

'WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'then who uses THESE?'
he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh, the dad
replied, 'Those are for married men. One for January,
one for February, one for March........'


something I must confess

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a
candle-light vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand,
tears running down her face.  Her praying roused him
from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began
to move slightly. 'My darling Becky,' he whispered.

'Hush, my love,' she said. 'Rest, don't talk.'

He was insistent.  'Becky, I, I have something I must
confess to you.'

'There's nothing to confess,' replied the weeping Becky.
'Everything's all right, go to sleep.'

'No, no. I must die in peace!' Jake said.  'Becky, I...slept
with your sister, your best friend, and her best friend!'

'I know', Becky whispered softly,
'That's why I poisoned you!'


circulation of the blood

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: 'Now, students, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face.'

'Yes, sir,' the boys said.

'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'

A little fellow shouted, ''It's because yer feet ain't empty.'


urinating in the pool

The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool.

'Everyone knows,' the mother lectured him, 'that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool.'

'Oh really?' said the lifeguard, 'from the diving board!?!?'


Applied psychology

A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Larry Johnson. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Larry asked: 'What is the usual tip?'

'Well,' replied the youth, 'this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great.'

'Is that so?' snorted Larry. 'Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars.'

'Thanks,' replied the youth, 'I'll put this in my school fund.'

'What are you studying in school?' asked Larry.

The lad smiled and said: 'Applied psychology.'


if you don't ask questions, you'll never learn

A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, 'How does this boat float?

The father replied, 'Don't know son.'

A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, 'How do fish breath underwater?'

Once again the father replied, 'Don't know son.'

A little later the boy asked his father, 'Why is the sky blue?'

Again, the father replied. 'Don't know son.'

Finally, the boy asked his father, 'Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?'

The father replied, 'Of course not, if you don't ask questions, you'll never learn!'


Die Before Wake

The prayer said before a finals exam:

Now I Lay Me Down to Study, I Pray the Lord I Won't Go Nutty.

If I Should Fail to Learn this Junk, I Pray the Lord I Will Not Flunk.

But If I Do, Don't Pity Me at All, Just Lay My Bones In the Study Hall.

Tell My Prof I Did My Best, Then Pile My Books upon My Chest.

Now I Lay Me Down to Rest, And Pray I'll Pass Tomorrow's Test.

If I Should Die Before I Wake, That's One less Test I'll Have to Take.


send some money

A student called up his Mom one evening from his college and asked her for some money, because he was broke.

His Mother said, 'Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also left your economics book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?'

'Uhh, oh yeah, O.K.' responded the kid.

So his Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets back, Dad asked, 'Well how much did you give the boy this time?'

'Oh, I wrote two checks, one for $20, and the other for $200 out to him.'

'That's $220!!!' yelled Dad, 'Are you going crazy???'

'Don't worry hon,' Mom said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, 'I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $200 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 15!'


Please, tell me...

For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren. She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children.

She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren.

'Oh, I've done all the talking, and I'm so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me... what do you think of my grandchildren?'


'Do you know who I am?'

It was the final examination for an introductory Biology course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 500 students in the class!

The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. Half of an hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

'You're not going to have time to finish this,' the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

'Yes I will,' replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. An hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

'No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late.'

The student looked incredulous and angry.

'Do you know who I am?'

'No, as a matter of fact I don't,' replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.

'Are you sure you don't know who I am?' the student asked again in a louder voice.

'No, and I don't care.' replied the professor with an air of superiority.

'Good,' replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.


mother died

The Captain called the Sergeant in. 'Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me.'

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. 'Listen up, men,' says the Sergeant. 'Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander.'

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. 'Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?'

'Yes, sir,' answered the Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, 'Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful.'

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. 'Ok, men, fall in and listen up.' 'Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward.' 'Not so fast, McGrath!'


air conditioner

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.

'Oh, I really don't care or mind,' said the waiter with a smile. 'We don't even have an air conditioner.'


silly argument

Last year I replaced several windows in my house and
they were the expensive double-pane energy efficient
kind.  But this week I got a call from the
contractor complaining that his work has been
completed for a whole year and I had yet to pay for
them. 

Boy oh boy did we go 'round.  Just because I'm blonde
doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.  So, I
proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales
guy had told me last year. .. .  that in one year the
windows would pay for themselves.  There was silence
on the other end of the line so I just hung up and
I haven't heard back.

Guess I must have won that silly argument.


MORE than 100%?

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint, it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

and
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND HEY, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that while Knowledge and Hard work will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, Bullshit and Ass kissing will put you over the top.


the 5th grade

A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers,went on a field trip to the local racetrack (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon),but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, assisting each one to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."

"No, ma'am," he! replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh"


'THINGS go better with Coke!'

An airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa
had a malfunction, and went down. A few weeks later,
Pepsi Company sent a rescue plane. They searched
the area and found a tribe of cannibals. They walked up
to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew
anything about the crash.

The Chief said, 'Yeah.' When asked where the crew was,
the Chief replied, 'We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi.'

The rescue crew was shocked. One man asked, 'Did you
eat their legs?'

The chief replied, 'We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi.'

Another rescuer asked, 'Did you eat their arms?'

The Chief said, 'We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi.'

After looking totally perplexed for a minute, a third asked,
Did you.. you know...eat their...'things'??'

The chief says, 'No.'

'No?' asked the rescuer.

'No,' replied the Chief, 'THINGS go better with Coke!'


MONEY

It can buy a house, but not a home.
It can buy a bed, but not sleep.
It can buy a clock, but not time.
It can buy you a book, but not knowledge.
It can buy you a position, but not respect.
It can buy you medicine, but not health.
It can buy you blood, but not life.
It can buy you sex, but not love.

So you see, money isn't everything and it often
causes pain and suffering.

I tell you this because I am your friend and as
your friend I want to take away all of your pains.

So, please send me all your money and
I will suffer for you!

Cash only.

Small bills, please!


predict snow

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for
2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor
who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any?

This is a true story . . . .

There was a female news anchor who, the day after it
was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the
weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that 8 inches
you promised me last night?'

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew
did too because they were laughing so hard!


The Blondes' Pigs

One day two blondes each bought a pig. The problem
they were having was telling the two pigs apart.

So, the first blonde had an idea: She said, 'I'll cut my
pig's tail off, then we will know the difference.' So she
cut her pig's tail off.

That night the pigs got in a fight and one pig bit the
other pig's tail off. The next morning the blonde had
a solution, she said,'I'll just cut my pig's right back
leg off.' So, she did.

That night same thing; the pigs got in a fight and one
pig bit the other pig's right back leg off. The next
morning the blondes were real upset and finally
decided to cut the back left leg from the pig, so
she did.

That night the pigs got in a fight and one pig bit the
other pig's back left leg off.

The next morning when the blondes awoke they
were devastated. Finally, the other blonde spoke up
and said, 'How about you take the white one and
I'll take the black one.'


How To Clean Your Toilet - The Fun Way

Instructions on how to clean your toilet:

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet
shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him
towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet
and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds.
Never mind the noises that come from the toilet,
the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides
a 'power-wash' and 'rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home.
Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom
and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and
quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through
the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

Follow these tips and both your toilet and the cat will be
sparkling clean.

Sincerely,
The Dog

New Son-In-Law

A rich businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.

'Welcome to the family,' said the man. 'I'm so happy, I'm
making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have
to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations.'

The son-in-law interrupted. 'Oh, um, I actually hate factories.
Can't stand the noise.'

The father-in-law said, 'Well, then you'll work in the office
and take charge of some of the operations.'

'I hate office work, too' said the son-on-law. 'I can't stand
being stuck behind a desk all day.'

'Wait a minute,' said the father-in-law. 'I just made you
half-owner of a money-making organization, but you
don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am
I going to do with you?'

'Easy,' said the young man. 'Just Buy me out.'

Birthday Gift

Two guys were talking at work.

'I've got a problem,' said the first one.

'What is it?'

'My wife has done it to me again. I'm supposed to
buy my mother-in-law a present for her birthday,
from the two of us. And I am out of ideas. I mean
it's HER mother, why can't she buy it?'

'What did you buy her last year?' the other one asked.

'Last year I bought her a VERY EXPENSIVE cemetery plot.'

'Hmmmm, hard to top that one,' said the other.

The two guys couldn't come up with anything.
So the son-in-law didn't buy his mother-in-law
anything for her birthday.

When the big day arrived the next weekend, she
was a bit upset. At the family gathering for her birthday,
she announced out loud to everyone, 'Thank you all
for the wonderful gifts. Too bad my daughter and
son-in-law weren't so thoughtful!'

Thinking quickly, the son-in-law responded,
'Well, you haven't used yet the gift I gave you last year!'

Self-Made Man

A man comes to dinner at a new friend's house.
While they eat, the new friend's small son keeps
staring at the guest. Finally, the guest says,
'Why are you staring at me like that, young fellow?'

The kid says, 'Daddy told me you were a self-made man.'

'I am.'

'Well, why did you make yourself like that?'

Virus Warning

There is a new virus going around, called 'work'. If you
receive any sort of 'work' at all, whether via email,
internet or simply handed to you by a colleague...
DO NOT OPEN IT.

Work has been circulating around our building for
months and those who have been tempted to open
'work' or even look at 'work' have found that their
social life is deleted and their brain ceases to
function properly.

If you do encounter 'work' via email or are faced with
any 'work' at all, then to purge the virus, send an
email to your boss with the words 'Sorry...I'm off to
the pub'. The 'work' should automatically be deleted
from your brain.

If you receive 'work' in paper-document form, simply
lift the document and drag the 'work' to your garbage
can. Put on your coat and skip to the nearest bar
with two friends and order three pints of beer.

After repeating this action 14 times, you will find
that 'work' will no longer be of any relevance to you.

Send this message to everyone in your address book.
If you do not have anyone in your address book, then
the 'work' virus has already corrupted your life.

Having a party

Sam has been in business for 25 years and is finally
sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50
acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as
possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and
gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total
peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost
total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone
knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big,
bearded Vermonter standing there.

'Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over
the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd
like to come.'

'Great,' says Sam, 'after six months of this I'm ready
to meet some local folks. Thank you.'

As Enoch is leaving he stops, 'Gotta warn you there's
gonna be some drinkin'.'

'Not a problem... After 25 years in business, I can
drink with the best of 'em.'

Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. 'More 'n'
likely gonna be some fightin' too.'

'Damn', Sam thinks... 'Tough crowd.' 'Well, I get
along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again.'

Once again Enoch turns from the door. 'I've seen
some wild sex at these parties, too.'

'Now that's not a problem' says Sam, 'Remember
I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there...
By the way, what should I wear?'

Enoch stops in the door again and says,
'Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us.'


Sleeping Problems

An exhausted looking blond dragged herself in to the
doctor's office. 'Doctor, there are dogs all over my
neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and
I can't get a wink of sleep.'

'I have good news for you,' the doctor answered,
rummaging through a drawer full of sample
medications. 'Here are some new sleeping pills
that work like a dream. A few of these and your
trouble will be over.'

'Great,' the blond answered, 'I'll try anything.
Let's give it a shot.'

A few weeks later the blond returned, looking
worse than ever. 'Doc, your plan is no good.
I'm more tired than before!'

'I don't understand how that could be', said the doctor,
shaking his head. 'Those are the strongest pills on
the market!'

'That may be true,' answered the blond wearily,
'but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and
when I finally catch one it's hard getting it to
swallow the pill!'

Divorce

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son Bob in New York and says,
'I hate to ruin your day, but your mother and I are divorcing.
Forty-five years of misery is enough! I'm sick of her, and I'm sick
of talking about this, so call your sister in Boston and tell her,' and
then hangs up.

The son frantically calls his sister, who goes nuts upon hearing the news.

She calls her father and yells, 'You are not getting a divorce! Bob
and I will be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a single thing,
do you hear me?'

The father hangs up the phone, turns to his wife, and says,
'It worked! The kids are coming for a visit, and they're paying
their own way!'

ACTUAL NEWSPAPER ADS

The following ads acutally appeared in newspapers:

ILLITERATE ? Write today for free help.

AUTO REPAIR SERVICE. Free pick up and delivery. Try us once,
you will never go anywhere again.

DOG FOR SALE Eats anything and is fond of children

STOCK UP AND SAVE. Limit: one.

SEMI ANNUAL AFTER XMAS SALE

DINNER SPECIAL. Turkey $3.25; Chicken or Beef $2.25;
Children $2.00

FOR SALE: Antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs
and large drawers.

NOW IS YOUR CHANCE to have your ears pierced and get
an extra pair to take home, too.

GREAT DAMES for sale.

TIRED OF CLEANING YOURSELF? Let me do it

FOR RENT: 6 room hated apartment

WANTED: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke
or drink

OUR BIKINIS ARE EXCITING. They are simply the tops.

AND NOW, the superstore unequaled in size, unmatched
in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

WE WILL OIL your sewing machine and adjust tension in
your home for $1

wooden ball

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming
him up, he mentions that he wants a closer shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber, taking a small wooden ball
from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds to
shave the man. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech,
"And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like
everyone else does!"


Because I'm Blonde?

A girl came skipping home from school one day.

'Mommy, Mommy,' she yelled, 'we were counting
today, and all the other kids could only count to four,
but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!'

'Very good,' said her mother.

'Is it because I'm blonde?' the girl said. 'Yes, it's
because you're blonde,' said the mommy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from
school. 'Mommy, Mommy,' she yelled, 'we were saying
the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only
say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!'

'Very good,' said her mother.

'Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?'

'Yes, it's because you're blonde.'

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
Mommy, Mommy,' she yelled, 'we were in gym class
today, and when we showered, all the other girls had
flat chests, but I have these!' And she lifted her tank
top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

'Very good,' said her embarrassed mother.

'Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?'

'No Honey, it's because you're 24.'


Murphys Laws on work!

-- Everything can be filed under 'miscellaneous'.
-- Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
-- To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.
-- Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
-- There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.
-- If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
-- If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
-- At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
-- No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
-- The longer the title, the less important the job.
-- Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
-- Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.


The Ultimate Female Fantasy...

In a recent Harris poll 38,562 men across the US
were asked to identify a woman's ultimate fantasy.

97.8% of the men said a woman's ultimate fantasy
is to have two men at once.

While this has been cross-verified by a recent
sociological study, it appears that most men
don't realize that in this female-fantasy, one man
is cooking and the other is cleaning.


Are you prepared?

Before performing a baptism, the priest approached
the young father and said solemnly, 'Baptism is a
serious step. Are you prepared for it?'

'I think so,' the man replied. 'My wife made appetizers
last night and we have a caterer coming this morning
with roast beef, fried chicken and potato salad.'

'I don't mean that,' the priest responded. 'I mean, are
you prepared spiritually?'

'Sure,' came the reply. 'I've got a keg of beer and
a case of bourbon.'


A Dying Man's Cookies

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he
suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies
wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and
lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly
made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort
forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both
hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame,
gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself
already in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the
kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate
chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic
love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world
a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the
table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched
lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his
mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and
withered hand, shockingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of
the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his
wife.

'Stay out of those,' she said, 'they're for the funeral.'


Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0
and noticed a slowdown in the performance of the flower
and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under
the Boyfriend 5.0 system.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable
programs, such as Romance 9.9, and installed undesirable
programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6
simply crashes the system.
I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems,
but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
...................................
Follow-up

Dear Desperate:

We have become aware of the flaws in upgrading from
Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0, and currently have techs
who are beta-testing both Husband 2.0 and Husband 3.0.

Unfortunately, these also seem to encounter some fatal
exception errors which we believe may actually be caused
by a conflict in the software for Wife 1.0.

It appears that when the upgrade is installed an accidental
reconfiguration of the exec files in Wife 1.0 occurs in the
Finance, Glutamus and Bedroom folders.  Two of these files
become too large for the hard-drive, and the driver for the
other becomes corrupted and no longer functions as promised.

In addition, the installation of Wife 1.0 automatically uninstalls
any previous versions of Girlfriend.  It was hoped that the
installation would simply over-write Girlfriend and maintain
some of its fully functional characteristics, but our experience
has been that this is not the case.  In any event, please advise
the installer of Wife 1.0 that it is not advisable to reinstall
Girlfriend and attempt to run both programs at the same time.

We are currently working on these problems, but be
forewarned that, even after what seems like a proper install,
including a full disc scan and defrag, there are some minor
virus worms that are not detected when first installing Wife 1.0.

Despite our best efforts and our ongoing testing procedures,
we may just have to fully uninstall Wife 1.0, run another
complete defrag, and install our newest product: Wife 2.0.

Should you have any further problems, please have the user
who installed Wife 1.0 contact us for the uninstall procedures.

The costs for the new software have not yet been determined,
and, as always, installation of our software products are at
your own risk.  We are unable to give refunds at this time.

I hope we have been able to answer your questions.

Sincerely,

Tech Support


the armless man

A man was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting
ready to jump off, when he happened to look down and see
a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank.

He thought to himself, 'Life isn't so bad after all,' and got off
the railing. He then walked down to the river bank to thank
the little man for saving his life.

'Thank you,' he said. 'I was going to jump off that bridge
and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though
you have no arms, I changed my mind.'

'I was not dancing,' the armless man replied bitterly. 'My
butt is itching, and I can't scratch it!


"What's wrong, honey?"

This one is for all of you who either:  a) have kids  b) had kids  c) was a kid  d) know a kid!

As I was packing for my business trip, my 3-year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" Pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "Daddy, What happened to my booger?"


a Christmas gift

One year, a particular harried husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"


'assicons'

We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons', where :) means a smile and :(  is a frown.

Well, how about some 'assicons'?

(_!_)       A regular ass

(__!__)     A fat ass

(!)         A tight ass

(_*_)       A sore ass

{_!_}       A swishy ass

(_o_)       An ass that's been around

(_x_)       Kiss my ass

(_X_)       Leave my ass alone

(_zzz_)     A tired ass

(_E=mc2_)   A smart ass

(_$_)       Money coming out  of his ass

(_?_)       Dumb Ass


candy bar

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little Johnny replied, "You know, my grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own friggen business"


he goes crazy

Everyone on a passenger ship could see a bearded man
on a small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands.

'Who is that man?' a passenger asked the ship's Captain.
'Why is he so upset?'

'I have no idea,' the Captain replied, 'but, every year when
we pass by here, he goes crazy.'


hot leads

Two men were talking about their exploits with women.
One of the men began feeling terrible about some of the
things that he had done, so he decided to make a stop
into his parish church and go to confession.

He told his friend, 'Just a minute, I'll be right back.'

He went into the church and decided to go to confession.
He went into the confessional and said to the priest,
'Father, forgive me for I have sinned. I have had two
extramarital affairs.'

The priest replied, 'You need to say forty Hail Mary's,
and I also need to know if the women were members
of my parish.'

The man said, 'Yes, Father, they were.' The priest then
said that he was required to tell the names of the two women.

The man said, 'Father, I don't kiss and tell...'

The priest said, 'Well, was one of them Mrs. O' Brian?'

The man said, 'No, Father!'

The priest asked, 'Well, was one of them Mrs. Swenson?'

Exasperated, the man said, 'No, Father, I'm not telling you
the names of the women!' and then quickly left the confessional.

As he approached the bottom of the church steps, his friend
asked, 'So, how did it go?'

The man said, 'Great! Only forty Hail Mary's...
and I got two hot leads!'


Marriage quotes:

- If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way.

- In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage
of the enemy.

- In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom,
it's curtains!

- Joint Checking Account: a handly little device which permits
my wife to beat me to the draw.

- Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.

- Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover.
But she can never catch him at it.

- Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't
been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give.

- Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring,
and suffe-ring.

- Marriage is an institution--but who wants to live in an institution?

- Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo...


answers received on exams

The following are a sampling of real answers received
on exams given by the California Department of
Transportation's driving school.

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach
a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper
sticker saying, 'Guns don't kill people. I do.'

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too drunk to find your keys.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you
could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing
or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave 'hello' if she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red
traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be an idiot all day long.


Cat Diary Human Translator

'HERE KITTY KITTY KITTY...'
Means that humans want to take you somewhere, most
likely the vet. Avoid it.

'I HAVE SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR YOU!'
Probably left over human food they were about to throw out.

'HERE'S SOME KITTY TREATS...'
Most likely another foil wrapped appeals-to-a-human Madison
Avenue concoction.  Real kitty treats are usually opportunities
when no one's paying attention and you get to lick the ice
cream in the bowl, or jump on the table for that great piece
of meat loaf.

'YOU ARE SOOOOOO CUTE!'
You are about to rub noses with a human.  They can never
get enough of our tiny fur- coated bodies and irresistible faces.
Human noses are sooo warm. Ugh.

'YOU'RE IN MY CHAIR!' or 'YOU'RE TAKING UP TOO MUCH
OF THE BED!'
You picked the right spot.  You are right where you s hould be.

'DARN CAT HAIR!'
You left your hair out in the open where humans can see it
and properly clean it up.

'STOP THAT!'
  .Means you were caught.  Remember exactly where you
were and get back to it - once they leave the house.

'GET OUT OF HERE!'
Do not take this personally.  It's usually the first thing they say
after you wake them up by sticking your backside in their face.

SNAPPING OF FINGERS:
They want you to come over. If they want me, they'll come
get me.  Otherwise, get a dog.

'I LOVE YOU...'
Means just that.  No translation needed here.  And we love you, too.


'Who's the boss around here?'

A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed
to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in
his town.

To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse.
To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken
was given.

He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple
outside gardening. 'Who's the boss around here?'
he asked.

'I am.' said the man.

'I have a black horse and a brown horse,' the farmer said,
'which one would you like?'

The man thought for a minute and said, 'The black one.'

'No, no, no, get the brown one.' the man's wife said.

'Here's your chicken.' said the farmer.


something that happened

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the
edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully
recalled that the next week would mark their golden
wedding anniversary.

'Let's have a party, Homer,' she suggested. 'Let's kill a pig.'

The farmer scratched his grizzled head. 'Gee, Ethel,'
he finally answered, 'I don't see why the pig should
take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago.'


never done anything wild in your life?

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man
walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all
different colors; green, red, orange, blue and yellow.

The old man stared at the young man.

Over time the young man noticed the old man staring at him
and said sarcastically, 'What's the matter old man, never done
anything wild in your life?'

Without batting an eyelash the old man replied,
'Got drunk one night and had sex with a parrot.
I was just wondering if you were my son.'


The cat learned quickly

Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To my distress,
he began to use the back of our new sofa as a scratching post.
'Don't worry,' my wife reassured me. 'I'll have him trained in no time.'

I watched for several days as my wife patiently 'trained' our
new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, my wife deposited him
outdoors to teach him a lesson.

The cat learned quickly. For the next 5 years, whenever
he wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.


a dog that snores

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she
can't sleep, the Wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.
The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's
testicles and he will stop snoring.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring
as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep.
Muttering to herself,she goes to the closet and grabs a
piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's
testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman
is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from
being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls
asleep, and begins snoring loudly.

The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him.
So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue
ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles.

Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

He wakes from a drunken stupor and stumbles into the
bath room. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances
in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.

He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom,
he sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says,
'I don't know where we were Max, or what we did, but,
by God, we got first and second place!'


the final test

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the
background checks, interviews and testing were done
there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men
to a large metal door and handed him a .45 revolver.
'We must know that you will follow your instructions,
no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room,
you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot
my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man
for this job.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He
took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for
about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears
in his eyes. 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife,' the man said.
'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same
instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and
went into the room. Six shots were heard, one shot after
another. The agents heard screaming, crashing and banging
on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door
opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the
sweat from her brow, and said, 'This gun is loaded with blanks.
I had to beat him to death with the chair.'


feel like a true woman

An airplane was going down and there was no hope for everyone on the plane.

A lady stands up and says, "I need someone to help me with this problem I have before I die! I have had sex before, but no one has ever made me feel like a real woman before! Can anyone here make me feel like a true woman before we all die?"

A big, strong, handsome, dark headed man stands up and says, "I will help you with your problem."

So he walks over to her and starts tenderly touching her, and slowly he starts to unbutton her blouse and takes it off her.

Then he carefully unbuttons her pants and takes them off of her too. Then he hands them back to her and says, "Here, go wash these."


write home

A mother had three daughters and on their wedding she
asked each one of them to write home and tell her about
their married life.

The first wrote back on the second day. The letter arrived
with a single message, 'Maxwell Coffee'.

The Mother is confused but finally noticed a Maxwell coffee
ad, and it said; 'Satisfaction to the last drop...' So, Mother
was happy.

Then the second daughter got married and after a week
she sent home her reply. The message read; 'Rothmans'.
So the Mother looks for the Rothmans ad, and it says;
'LIFE SIZE, KING SIZE'. And Mother is happy.

Then it was the third one's wedding. Mother was anxious.
It took 4 weeks for a message to come through. When it
did the message was simply 'BRITISH AIRWAYS'.

Mother was so concerned. She frantically went through all
the newspapers at home looking for a British Airway's ad.

She found one and fainted.

The ad reads:
'TWO TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS.'


fax to his wife

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife:

Dear Wife:

You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs, which you are no longer able to satisfy, I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at that Grand Hotel with my 18 year old teaching assistant. I'll by home before midnight.
Your Husband.

When he arrived at the hotel there was a faxed letter waiting for him. It read as follows:

Dear Husband:

You, too are 54 years old and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18 year old pool boy. Since you are a mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 more times that 54 goes into 18. Therefore don't wait up!
Your Wife


the carbohydric content of different sexual activities

It has been known for many years that Sex was good exercise, but until now nobody had made a scientific study of the carbohydric content of different sexual activities. Now after 'original and proprietary' research, they are proud to present, to the LOVE group, the results.

REMOVING HER CLOTHES:

With her consent: 12 Carbs
Without her consent: 2187 Carbs

OPENING HER BRA:

With both hands: 8 Carbs
With one hand: 12 Carbs
With your teeth: 485 Carbs

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:

With an erection: 6 Carbs
Without an erection: 4315 Carbs

PRELIMINARIES:

Trying to find the clitoris: 8 Carbs
Trying to find the G-Spot: 4092 Carbs

POSITIONS:

Missionary: 12 Carbs
69 lying down: 78 Carbs
69 standing up: 812 Carbs
Wheelbarrow: 216 Carbs
Doggy Style: 326 Carbs
Italian Chandelier: 2912 Carbs

ORGASMS:

Real: 112 Carbs
Fake: 1315 Carbs

POST ORGASM:

Lying in bed hugging: 18 Carbs
Getting up immediately: 36 Carbs
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately: 816 Carbs

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are:

20-29 years: 36 Carbs
30-39 years: 80 Carbs
40-49 years: 124 Carbs
50-59 years: 1972 Carbs
60-69 years: 7916 Carbs
70 and over: Results are still pending

DRESSING AFTERWARDS:

Calmly: 32 Carbs
In a hurry: 98 Carbs
With her father knocking at the door: 5218 Carbs
With your wife knocking at the door: 13,521 Carbs

PLEASE NOTE: Results may vary


date running late?

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The women notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties."

Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."


airliner was having engine trouble

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still in the aisle passing out business cards."


off men for life

A blonde at a party, was telling her friend that she'd gone off men for life.
"They lie, they cheat, and they're just no good," she moaned.
"From now on when I want sex, I'm going to use my tried and tested plastic companion,".

"What happens when the batteries run out?" asked her friend.

"That's simple," replied the blonde. "I'll just fake an orgasm as usual!"


worst tasting stuff

An Arkansas hillbilly came to town carrying a jug of moonshine in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

He stopped a man on the street, saying to him "Here friend, take a drink outta my jug."

The man protested, saying he never drank.
The hillbilly leveled his shotgun at the stranger and commanded "Drink!"

The stranger drank, shuddered, shook, shivered and coughed.
"Damn! That's some of the worst tasting stuff I've ever tried!" he managed to say.

"Ain't it, though?" replied the hillbilly. "Now, you hold the gun on me while I take a swig."


dead dog

Little Johnny's mom and dad were trying to console him when he found his pet dog Skipper had past away.
"You know, it's not your fault that Skipper died Little Johnny."

But Little Johnny would have none of it.

His dad told him, "You know Little Johnny, Skipper is probably up in heaven right now with God."

Little Johnny piped back angrily, "What would God want with a dead dog?"


two questions

Sven and Ole were in a mental institution.
This place had an annual contest picking two of the best patients and gives them two questions.
If they get them correct, they're deemed cured and free to go.

Sven was called into the doctor's office first and asked if he understood that he'd be free if he answered the questions correctly.
The doctor said, "Sven, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?"

Sven said, "I'd be half blind."

"That's correct. What if I poked out both eyes?" the doctor asked.

"I'd be completely blind." Answered Sven.

The doctor stood up, shook Sven 's hand, and told him he was free.

On his way out, Sven mentioned the exam to Ole.
While the doctor filled out the paperwork, he told him what questions were going to be asked and gave him the answers.

So Ole came in. The doctor went through the formalities and asked, "What would happen if I cut off one ear?"

Ole, remembering the answer that Sven had told him, said "I'd be half blind."

The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on. "What if I cut off the other ear?"

"I'd be completely blind," Ole answered.

Totally confused the doctor asked "Ole, can you explain how you'd be *blind* if I cut off both of your ears?"

Ole smiled and said "My hat would fall down over my eyes."


'Bicycles!'

While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. 'What's in the bags?', asked the guard.

'Sand,' said the cyclist.

'Get them off - we'll take a look,' said the guard.

The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border.

A week later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear.

A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. 'Say friend, you sure had us crazy', said the guard. 'We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it you were smuggling?'

'Bicycles!'


marriage quotes

- If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way.

- In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.

- In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains!

- Joint Checking Account: a handly little device which permits my wife to beat me to the draw.

- Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.

- Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover. But she can never catch him at it.

- Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give.

- Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffe-ring.

- Marriage is an institution--but who wants to live in an institution?

- Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo...


answers received on exams

The following are a sampling of real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school.

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, 'Guns don't kill people. I do.'

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too drunk to find your keys.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave 'hello' if she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be an idiot all day long.


golden wedding anniversary

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

'Let's have a party, Homer,' she suggested. 'Let's kill a pig.'

The farmer scratched his grizzled head. 'Gee, Ethel,' he finally answered, 'I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago.'


'Who's the boss?'

A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town.

To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.

He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. 'Who's the boss around here?' he asked.

'I am.' said the man.

'I have a black horse and a brown horse,' the farmer said, 'which one would you like?'

The man thought for a minute and said, 'The black one.'

'No, no, no, get the brown one.' the man's wife said.

'Here's your chicken.' said the farmer.


An atheist

An atheist was walking through the woods one day
when suddebly an 8-foot grizzly bear began to charge
towards him. He ran as fast as he could down the path.
He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear
was rapidly closing on him. Somehow, he can't ran
even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes.
His heart pounding in his chest, he tried to run faster
yet. But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground. As he
rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over
him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its
right paw to strike him.

'OH MY GOD! ...' Time stopped.......... The bear froze
........... The forest was silent...........Even the river
stopped moving ...

As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous
voice came from all around, 'You Deny My Existence
For All These Years, Teach Others That I Don't Exist;
And Even Credit Creation To Some Cosmic Accident.
Do You Expect Me To Help You Out Of This Predicament?
Am I To Count You As A Believer???'

Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly into the
light and said, 'It would be hypocritical to ask to be a
Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could
make the bear a Christian?'

'Very Well.' said The Voice. The light went out.......
The river ran....... The sounds of the forest
resumed and the bear dropped down on his knees,
brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

'Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive.'


Some THOUGHTS to ponder:

- A day without sunshine is like, night.
- On the other hand, you have different fingers.
- Honk if you love peace and quiet.
- He who laughs last thinks slowest.
- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
- If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
- How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
- OK, so what's the speed of dark?
- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
- If everything seems to be going well, you have
obviously overlooked something.
- When everything is coming your way, you're in
the wrong lane.
- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?


a bucket

The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately
to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming
outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed
and got into the water.

After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of
old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked,
got out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand
nearby. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and
sighed with relief.

The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward
and wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said: 'You know,
I have a special gift, I can read minds.'

'Impossible', said the embarrassed man, 'You really know
what I think?'

'Yes', the lady replied, 'Right now, I bet you think that
the bucket you're holding has a bottom.'


'Didn't anybody complain?'

Jean Paul moved to Texas and purchased a donkey
from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to
deliver the donkey the next day. However, the
following morning, the farmer drove up and reported
that the donkey had died.

'Well, then, give me my money back,' said Jean Paul.

'Can't,' said the farmer, 'already spent the money.'

'Okay' said Jean Paul, 'just unload the donkey.'

'What ya going to do with him?' asked the farmer.

'Going to raffle him off,' came the reply

'You can't do that,' said the farmer. 'You can't
raffle off a dead donkey!'

'Sure I can,'said Jean Paul, 'just watch me. I
won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month goes by and and the farmer meets up with
Jean Paul and asks - 'what happened to the dead
donkey?'

'I raffled him off,' Jean Paul answered. 'I sold 450
tickets at $2 a piece and made a profit of $798.'

'Didn't anybody complain?' the farmer asked bewildered.

'Just the guy who won,' Jean Paul said. 'So I gave
him his $2 back.'


You might be stupid if....

...you can't remember how to spell I.Q.
...you can't remember the number for 911
...you just discovered that your AM radio also works
in the afternoon
...you fail Physical Education
...you cannot spell 'it'
...you try to turn the light on to find a flashlight in
a power outage!
...you think Taco Bell is a mexican phone company
...you think pigpen is something to write with
...you think a cartoon is a song about automobiles
...you frequently misspell your name
...you walk your kid to school because you are in the
same grade!
...it takes you 2 hours to watch 60 minutes
...you sell your car for gas money
...you try thinking and nothing happens!!!
...you think a quarterback is a refund...
...you cook minute rice for an hour
...upon approaching a traffic sign that says 'STOP AHEAD'
you reach over and grab your passenger by the top of the head.
...you lose $25 on a horse race and another $25 on the
instant replay!
...you get tangled up in a cordless phone
...you need to be reminded to breathe
...you return a donut back because there is a hole in it...
...you stare at the orange juice because it says concentrate
...you tell your wife not to laugh as you point the gun to your
head 'cause she's next!
...you get fired from volunteer work


Seeing Eye Dog

A blind man is walking down the street with his
seeing-eye dog one day. They come to a busy
intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume
of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind
man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed
by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked
drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.

The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety
of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and
the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket,
which he offers to the dog. A passer-by, having
observed the near fatal incident, can't control his
amazement and says to the blind man, 'Why on
earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie?
He nearly got you killed!'

The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies,
'To find out where his head is, so I can kick his butt.'


Ventriloquist Offends Blonde

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain
at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of
stupid blonde jokes, when a blonde woman in the fourth row
stands on her chair and says,

"I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes!
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their
worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women
like me from being respected at work and in my community,
of reaching my full potential as a person because you and
your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not
only blondes but women at large all in the name of humor."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the
blonde says, "You stay out of this, Mister! I'm talking to
that little one sitting on your knee!"


heart attack

A man comes home early from work and hears strange
noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs
to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries
the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as
he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,
"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Mick's hiding in your wardrobe
and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs
into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips
open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his
brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.

"You bonehead!," says the husband, "my wife's having
a heart attack and you're running around with no
clothes on scaring the kids!"


Children's Prayer

Two young boys were spending the night at their
grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt
beside their beds to say their prayers when the
youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.

"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE... I PRAY FOR A NEW
SONY PLAY STATION... I PRAY FOR A NEW PAIR
OF SHOES..."

His older brother leaned over and nudged the
younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting
your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little
brother replied, "No, but GRANDPA is!"


guilty

Doctor Dave slept with one of his patients and felt
guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to
forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of
betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a
while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that
said:

"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first
doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you
won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go..."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back
to reality:

"Dave, you're a vet..."


Report from Grandma

My husband is nearly 73 years old and loves to fish.
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he
heard a voice say, "Pick me up."  He looked around
and could not see anyone. He thought he was
dreaming when he heard the voice again, "Pick me up."
He looked in the water and there floating on the top
was a frog.

My husband said, "Are you talking to me"?

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up
and kiss me, and I'll turn into the most beautiful
woman you have ever seen, and will give you the
most wonderful pleasures that you have ever
dreamed of."  My husband looked at the frog for
a short time, then reached over and picked it up
carefully, placing it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, "What are you, nuts? Didn't
you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give
you pleasures like you have never had."

My husband opened his pocket, looked at the frog
and said, "At my age  I'd rather have a talking frog."

Cracked Pots

A water bearer in China had two large pots, each hung on the ends of
a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack
in it, while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion
of water.

At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked
pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with
the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water to his house.

Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect
for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own
imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of
what it had been made to do.

After 2 years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the
water bearer one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, and
because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back
to your house."

The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only
on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?

That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I planted
flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk
back, you've watered them.

For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate
the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this
beauty to grace the house"

Moral: Each of us has our own unique flaws.   We're all cracked pots.
But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together
so very interesting and rewarding.
You've just got to take each person
for what they
are, and look for the good in them.

Blessings to all our crackpot friends.

Understanding your Children

  The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas:
  "Things I've learned from my Children (honest and no kidding):"

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 3 bedroom house
    about 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on a nylon duster and then run over it with
    roller skates / blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
    restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
    enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a
    Superman Cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can,
    to spread paint on all four walls of a large room.
5. You should not throw balls up when the ceiling fan is on, using the
    ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times
    before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can then hit a ball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a ball hit by
    a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already
    too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Bleach makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a
    36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain bits of Lego will pass through the digestive tract of a
      4-year old.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. VCR's do not eject toasted sandwiches even though TV commercials
     show they do.
14. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
15. Marbles in petrol tanks make lots of noise when driving and are
     very expensive to remove.
16. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not
      like ovens.
17. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms
      dizzy.
18. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
19. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
20. The mind of a 6-year old is a wonderful and amazing thing.

Side Note: 60% of men who read this will try mixing the bleach
              and brake fluid.

Signs That You're Broke

-- At communion you go back for seconds.

-- You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.

-- You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.

-- Long distance companies don't call you to switch.

-- You give blood everyday.. just for the orange juice.

-- McDonald's is the supplier of all your kitchen condiments.

-- American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"

-- Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside
    a restaurant.

-- You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic
    bond with Abe Lincoln.

Bra Shopping

A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and
set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an
upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie,
"Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?"

The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store
and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed
in much the same manner. After a third try at another department
store in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she
drove to K-Mart.

Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her
blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?"

The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Yes, we do. We have
here a pimple remover called Clearasil?"

live to be 80?

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After
two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was
doing 'fairly well' for my age. A little concerned about
that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you
think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink wine?'

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I've never done either.'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and
barbecued ribs?'

I said 'No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf,
sailing, ballooning, or rock climbing ?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He said, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually
fool around?'

'No,' I said. 'I've never done any of those things.'

He looked at me and said, 'Then why do you give a damn
if you live to be 80?'


Computer users

Computer users are divided into three types:
novice, intermediate and expert.

Novice Users - People who are afraid that simply pressing
a key might break their computer.

Intermediate Users - People who don't know how to fix their
computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.

Expert Users - People who break other people's computers.


Fun stuff to do in Court...

1. Bring a cell phone and order a pizza when the
judge starts talking.
2. Bring a zip-lock bag full of grapes and launch a
few at the defendant when the judge isn't looking.
3. Giggle uncontrollably when they show the blood
evidence.
4. Mumble 'He's guilty!'
5. If they ever bring up the possibility of an accomplice,
duck your head and quiver.
6. Stand up and yell, 'Objection!' to everything the
prosecutor says.
7. When the judge starts talking about you,  hide
under the table.
8. Act like you're doing something important, and
ask them to 'keep it down.'
9. When the judge uses the gavel, fall to the floor
and act like you've been shot.
10. Call the judge a wuss after he issues the death penalty.
11. Dump your glass of cold water over your head and
shiver uncontrollably.
12. Then drink everyone else's water.
13. Gurgle into the microphone.
14. Then ask to go to the bathroom.
15. Change your plea frequently.


Good Trade!

A woman is driving towards home in Northern Arizona
when she sees a Navajo woman hitchhiking. Because
the trip had been long and quiet, she stops the car
and the Navajo woman climbs in.

During their small talk, the Navajo woman glances
surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat
between them.

'If you are wondering what's in the bag', offers the
woman, 'it's a bottle of wine.  I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman is silent for a while, nods several
times and says,

'Good Trade!'


Laws for Parents:

*  A child's behavior will improve in proportion to the
   distance she is away from the parent.

*  Two is equal to two, except when referring to time.
   Two minutes of tantrum lasts 20 times as long as
   two minutes of quiet time.

*  The choice of a preschooler's best friend corresponds
   directly to the distance the friend lives from your house.

*  The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is
   directly proportional to the size of the mess in your home.

*  A child will always eat exactly what she has loved for
   the past year---unless it is the only food in the fridge.

*  The ease with which a toddler acquires the ability to
   say a word increases with its likelihood to embarrass a sailor.


not make a sound

Two men went hunting. One had been hunting all his life,
the other man was hunting for the first time. The old
man told the other to sit down and not make a sound.

So he did. But when the first man got 100 yards away,
the old man heard a scream. 'I thought I told you to be
quiet!', he said.

'I was when the snake bit me,' the young man said.

'And I was when the bear attacked me.  But when the
two chipmunks crawled up my pant leg and said,
'Should we eat or take them with us,' I screamed!'


More definitions you can't find in the dictionary:

ACRE:  Literally means the amount of land plowable in
one day.  So in my case it would be four feet by four feet.
ANTIQUE:  An item your grandparents bought, your
parents got rid of,  and you're buying again.
BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed
by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.
BOSS:  Someone who is early when you are late and late
when you are early.
CAR SICKNESS:  The feeling you get when the car payment
is due.
CIGARETTE: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at
one end and a fool at the other.
COMPROMISE: The art of dividing a cake in such a way
that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
COURTESY:  The art of yawning with your mouth closed.
DIPLOMAT: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a
way that you actually look forward to the trip.
DOCTOR:  A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you
with his bills.
Etc:  A sign to make others believe that you know more than
you actually do.
EXPERIENCE : The name men give to their mistakes.
FULL NAME:  What you call your child when you're mad at him/her.


What problem can be greater?

Hubby - You always carry my photo in your handbag to
the office. Why?

Wife - When there is a problem, no matter how impossible,
I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Hubby - You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

Wife - Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, 'What
other problem can there be greater than this one?'


THE HONEST DRUNK:

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where
she selected a quart of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a
quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb.
can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was
unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out,
a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the
items in front of the cashier.

He said, 'You must be single.'

The woman, a bit startled but intrigued by the derelict's
intuition, looked at her six items on the belt. Seeing
nothing particularly unusual about her selections she
said, 'Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct.
But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'

LOL :-) LOL :-)


Jobs in America

Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm
clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 A.M. While his coffeepot
(MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his
electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a
dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans
(MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN
KOREA). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric
skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator
(MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend
today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the
radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY)
and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.

At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day,
Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals
(MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine
(MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA),
and then wondered why he can't find a good paying
job in.....AMERICA......


SOME THINGS IN LIFE ARE CERTAIN.......

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified,
well-dressed, good looking man in his late 40's or early 50's.
'Can I help you?' she asked.

'I want to see Natalie', the man replied.

'Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps
you would prefer someone else,' said the madam.

'NO, I must see Natalie' was the man's reply. Just then,
Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she
charged $1000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled
out ten one-hundred dollar bills and gave them to Natalie
and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night the same man appeared again, demanding
to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever
come back two nights in a row - too expensive! and there
were no discounts. The price was still $1000.

Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie
and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone
was astounded that he had come for the third time
consecutive night, but he paid Natalie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Natalie questioned the man. 'No one
has ever used me three nights in a row. Where are you
from? She asked. The man replied, ' South Carolina.' 'Really'
she said. ' I have family in South Carolina.' ' I know,' the
man said. ' Your father died and I am your sister's attorney.
She asked me to give you your $3000 inheritance.'

The moral of the story is : SOME THINGS IN LIFE ARE
CERTAIN.......
1. Death     2. TAXES   3. AND BEING SCREWED BY A LAWYER.


The new Texas preacher

The new Texas preacher was a dead ringer for Conway Twitty,
the country music singer.  One day he decided to visit some
of the church members who hadn't been to service lately.

He went to the first lady's house and knocked on the door.
When she answered the door, she said, 'Conway Twitty!'

'No ma'am,' he replied.  'I'm your new pastor, and I came to
have prayer with you.' So she said come right on in.

He visited several more homes, and everyone thought he was
Conway Twitty.

Then he came to a widow woman's house on the end of the street.
She was taking a shower at the time, so she just wrapped a towel
around her and opened the door.  When she saw her caller, she
threw up her hands - which allowed the towel to fall to the floor.

'Oh my God!' she exclaimed.  'It's Conway Twitty!'

And the preacher said.......  'Hello, Darlin!!'


she knows how to cook!

Little Johnny and his family went to his Grandmother's
house for dinner. Everyone was seated at the table as
the food was being served.

As soon as Little Johnny received his plate, he began
to dig in.

'Johnny, please wait until we say grace,' his mother scolded.

'I don't have to,' Johnny replied.

'Yes, you do,' insisted his mother. 'You know we always say
grace before eating at our house.'

'Yes, but that's at our house,' Johnny replied. 'This is Grandma's
house and she knows how to cook!'


hair really smells nice

A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her
that her hair really smells nice.

The woman, in a huff, immediately goes into her
supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to
file a sexual harassment suit and explains what
had occurred.

The supervisor is puzzled by this and says,
'What's wrong with the co-worker telling you
your hair smells nice.'

The woman replies, 'He's a midget!'


only the  breaststroke

There was a competition to cross the English Channel doing
only the  breaststroke, and the three women who entered the
race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on
the shore   and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes
later, the redhead   crawled up on the shore and was declared
the second place finisher.

Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and
promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.

When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete
the race,  she replied, 'I don't want to sound like I'm a sore
loser, but I think  those two other girls were using their arms...'


GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.


GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.


GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair
     that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, ! but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.


THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1)    You believe in Santa Claus.
2)    You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3)    You are Santa Claus.
4)    You look like Santa Claus.


SUCCESS:

     At age  4  success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
     At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
     At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
     At age 20 success is . . . going all the way.
     At age 35 success is . . . having money.
     At age 50 success is . . . having money.
     At age 60 success is . . . going all the way.
     At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
     At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
     At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.


WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN
(AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)

To those of us who have children in our lives,
whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces,
nephews, or students...here is something to make
you chuckle. Whenever your children are out of
control, you can take comfort from the thought
that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His
own children. After creating heaven and earth,
od created Adam and Eve.


And the first >thing he said was "DON'T!"

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve...
we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"

"No Way!"

"Yes way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.

"Why"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God
replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation
after making the elephants. A few minutes later,
God saw His children having an apple break and He
was ticked! "Didn't I tell you not to eat the
fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said

"Did not!" > >"Did too!" > >"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment
was that Adam and Eve should have children of their
own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY! If you have
persistently and lovingly tried to give children
wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on
yourself. If God had trouble raising children,
what makes you think it would ld be a piece of cake
for you?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

1. You spend the first two years of their life
teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the
next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing
your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat
their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they
usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't
have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties
is to remind yourself that there are children more
awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still
getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids.
They will choose your nursing home one day.

AND FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU
GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"


"No need to hurry. He's got to take a shower first."

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Tampa Airport on its final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Tampa Bay".

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Tampa?"

"Well," says the Captain, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a nice hot shower, then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge breasts out for dinner. I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put it to her big time all night long."

Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle trying to get a look at the new stewardess.

Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says, "No need to hurry, dear. He's got to take a shower first."


they're at the funeral

George had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down and prepares for the game to start, a stranger comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No," he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the stranger. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

George says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

George shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."


'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?'

For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?'

Here's an update for you.

Studies show that 80% of women are against marriage these days.

Why? You may ask.

Women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage.


you don't own her!

Storming into his lawyer's office, a Texas oil magnate demanded that divorce proceedings begin at once against his young bride.

"What's the problem?"

"I want to hit that adulterating bitch for breach of contract," snapped the oil man.

"I don't know if that will fly," said the lawyer. "I mean your wife isn't a piece of property, you don't own her!"

"That may be true," the tycoon concluded, "but I sure as hell expect exclusive drilling rights!"


Tech Support

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up quite a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs, and launches during the system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications like Pokernight 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5, and Monday Night Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I am thinking of going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall does not seem to work on this program. Can you help me PLEASE!?!?

Thanks, Joe

Dear Joe,

This is a very common problem, but mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely utilities and entertainment program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its creator to run everything. It is very unlikely that you will be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within the system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0, so nothing is gained other than small change of scenery. It is impossible to purge, delete, or un-install the program files from the system once they are installed. You can not go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.

Some have gone as far as installing Girlfriend 8.0 in a hidden subdirectory, or tried installing Wife 2.0, but end up with more problems than the original system had. Detection of Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 can result in Wife 1.0 creating general protection faults such as 'Warning- Cannot find Alimony or Child Support files, or files are out of date.' Because Wife 1.0's directories and sub-directories are almost impossible to understand or modify, some over-rides have been installed to assist you in (at least) making Wife 1.0 a livable experience.

I recommend that you attempt the following at the onset of ANY problems that you might have. After any system crash, Wife 1.0 WILL give you an opportunity to fix the problem yourself (although you might not see the opportunity, it IS there, you just have to look for it). At the C prompt enter the following:

c:\apologize

Generally this should work, unless you have truly created a massive error. In any case, avoid hitting the "Esc" key at all costs! There are also add-ons that you can install to assist you in your efforts. Try buying a copy of Flowers 4.1 or Chocolates 5.5, or both for really big errors. Do not, under ANY circumstances install Secretary v38.24.36 with short skirt upgrade! This is not a supported application for any of the Wife OR Girlfriend series programs, and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the system.

Best of Luck, Tech Support


An old man wanted to spade his potato garden

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. .

His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.

"Dear Bubba, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love, Dad."

A few days later he received a letter from his son.........

"Dear Dad, For HEAVEN'S SAKE, don't dig up the garden! That's where I buried the GUNS! Love, Bubba."

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any guns. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

"Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Bubba"


"Very Important Person"

Billy Graham had just finished a tour of the Florida East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while.

Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so he got in the back of the limo and Billy took the wheel.

He turned onto I-95 and accelerated to about 90 MPH. WHAM! The blue lights of the State Highway Patrol flashed in his rearview mirror.

He pulled over and a trooper came to his window. When the trooper saw who it was, he said, "Just a moment, please, I need to call in."

The trooper radioed in and asked for the chief. He said, "I have a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to now what to do."

The chief asked, "Who is it, not Ted Kennedy again?"

The trooper said, "No, even more important."

It isn't the Governor Jeb Bush, is it," asked the chief.

"No, even more important," replied the trooper.

"It isn't President George Bush, is it?"

"No," replied the trooper, "even more important."

"Well, WHO in the WORLD is it," screamed the chief.

The trooper responded: "I don't know for sure but I think it might be Jesus, because his chauffeur is Billy Graham!"


job application

An applicant was filling out a job application.

When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"

The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."


In a similar vein...

The LAPD detective lucked out with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup...

When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man blurted out, "That's not what I said!"


attractive waitress

A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date, but couldn't seem to get her attention.

When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away.

Finally he followed her into the kitchen and blurted out his invitation. To his amazement, she readily consented.

He said, "Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn't even make eye contact."

"Well," said the waitress, "I thought you wanted more coffee."


"My aim is better than yours."

Little Johnny was being scolded by his mother. "I'm ashamed of you," his mother said. "Fighting with your best friend is a terrible thing to do."

"He threw a rock at me!" Little Johnny said. "So I threw one at him."

"When he threw a rock at you, you should have come to me," explained his mother.

"What good would that have done?" Exclaimed Little Johnny, "My aim is better than yours."


"Why is the sky blue?"

A father and son went fishing one day. Sitting in the boat for a couple of hours gave the young lad plenty of time to think about the world around him. He began to get curious so he asked his father some questions. "Dad, how does this boat float?" he asked.

The father thought for a moment, then replied, "Don't rightly know, son."

The boy returned to his contemplation, but soon came up with another one, "How do fish breath underwater?"

Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."

A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"

Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know, son."

Worried he was going to annoy his father, he said, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"

His father immediately assured him, "Of course not, son. If you don't ask questions, how will you ever learn anything!"


sitting economy

While conversing over drinks at the local pub. Joe says to Bill, "I'm a sitting economy."

"And how's that?" Bill replies.

"It's like this," Joe explains, "my hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these two factors is putting me into a deep depression."


'Why Cats Are Better Than Men'

- A CAT always hits the litter box.
- Better chance of training a CAT.
- No matter what your CAT drags into your house,
you don't have to pretend you like it.
- You never have to spend time with your CAT's mother.
- If you ask enough times, a CAT may actually listen to you.
- A CAT purrs when you serve him dinner.
- It's okay if a CAT rubs up against your best friend.
-  A CAT knows you're the key to his happiness..
a man thinks he is.
- If a CAT jumps into your lap, a little light petting will
satisfy him.


the wrong train

A few years ago, I decided to visit my brother who
was stationed in Germany. I assumed that most
Germans would speak English. But I found that
many people spoke only their native tongue -
including the ticket inspector on the train. He
punched my ticket, then chatted cordially for a bit,
making gestures like a windmill. I simply nodded from
time to time to show him that I was interested. When
he had gone, an American woman soldier in the
compartment leaned forward and asked if I spoke German.

'No,' I confessed.

'Then that explains,' she said, 'why you didn't bat an
eyelid when he told you that you were on the wrong train!'


for the last time. I said .....

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an
enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims,
'So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the
Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days.
But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests.
What is your first request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse.'

Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger,
who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blond
woman on his back. The woman enters the Lone Ranger's
tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief
admits he's impressed. 'You have a very fine and loyal horse,
but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?'

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is
brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear.  As
before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over
the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver
again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more
attractive than the blonde.  She enters the Lone Ranger's tent
and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
'You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you
tomorrow .. What is your last request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse,
Alone!'

The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to
the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger
grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eyes and says,
'Listen carefully, for the last time. I said ......BRING POSSE!'


FROZEN STATE

A new young bride calls her mother in tears. She
sobs, 'Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him.'

'Now, now,' her mother comforted, 'I am sure it was
all just a misunderstanding, dear.'

'No, mother,' the young woman laments. 'I bought a
frozen turkey loaf and he yelled at me about the price.'

'Well, that is being miserly,' the mother agreed, 'Those
turkey rolls are only a few dollars.'

The young woman explained, 'No, mother it wasn't the
price of the turkey roll, it was the airplane ticket.'

'Airplane ticket??? What does an airplane ticket have to
do with turkey rolls???' asked her mother, confused.

The young woman quickly responded, 'Well mother, when
I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the back
and it said, 'PREPARE FROM A FROZEN STATE'.
So I flew to Alaska!'


a letter to God

There was this fellow who worked in a post office whose
job it was to process all mail that had inillegible addresses.
One day a letter came to his desk, addressed in a shaky
handwriting to God. He thought, 'Oh boy, better open this
one and see what it's all about.'

So he opened it and read, 'Dear God, I am an 83-year old
widow living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone
stole my purse. It had a hundred dollars in it, which was
all the money I had until my next pension check. Next
Sunday is Easter, and I had invited two of my friends over
for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food
with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.
Can you please help me?'

The postal worker was touched, and went around showing
the letter to all the others. Each of them dug into his wallet
and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the
rounds, he had collected 96 dollars, which they put into an
envelope and sent over to her. The rest of the day, all the
workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had
done.

Easter came and went, and a few days later came another
letter from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered
excitedly around while the letter was opened.  It read,

'Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you
did for me?  Because of your generosity, I was able to fix
a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and
I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was
4 dollars missing. It was no doubt those thieving jerks at the
post office again!'


The Letter

Last month God sent an angel down from Heaven to see
what percent of the world was 'good'. After a couple of
days, the angel came back and reported that only 5%
was 'good'.

God couldn't believe that so he got a second opinion.
When the second angel came back and reported the
same thing, God decided it was time to get the 'good'
people out of this troubled world.

He decided to send everybody who was 'good' a letter
telling them what to do and where to go.

Do you know what God's letter was?.....................
..

....... Oh, so you didn't get one either?!


All about Blondes!

-------------------
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks
her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied
in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you took away my license and then
today you expect me to show it to you!'

-------------------
EXPOSURE
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse
open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman
approaches her and says, 'Ma'am, are you aware that
I could cite you for indecent exposure?' She says,
'Why, officer?' 'Because your breast is hanging out.'
He says. She looks down and says, 'OH MY GOD,
I left my baby on the bus again!'

---------------------
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river
and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river
and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side already!'


a conversation

This is a conversation that took place in public
between a person(Y) and a marketing guy(X).

X: Which shaving cream do you use?
Y: Baba's
X: Which aftershave do you use?
Y: Baba's
X: Which deodorant do you use?
Y: Baba's
X: Which toothpaste do you use?
Y: Baba's
X: Which banian do you use?
Y: Baba's
X: Which vests do you use?
Y: Baba's
X(Bugged up): O.k. tell me, What is this Baba?
Is it an international company???
Y: No, He is my room-mate.


Short Story

The girl was supposed to write a short story in as
few words as possible for her college class and
the instructions were that it had to discuss
Religion, Sexuality and Mystery.

She was the only one who received
an A+ and this is what she wrote:

Good God, I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?


Buying a computer: Abbot and Costello

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking
about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm
sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some
straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none
of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 and 4. Can I
watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie.
What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left.
It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even
part of Office.
COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping?
You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

A FEW DAYS LATER . ..
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START"..........

EVER WONDER ...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing
liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Larry's bar

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful
to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men.
In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy.
What do you think I should do?"

"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down.
Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"


The Rabbi

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening
and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning
me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see
what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A day later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to
your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my
advice?"

The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison!"


the radiant bride

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down
the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride
kissed her father and placed something in his hand.

The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter.

Even the priest smiled broadly.

As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him
back his credit card.


marry Bob

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last
request, dear," he said. "Of course, John, " his wife said softly.

"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."

"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.

With his last breath John said, "I do!"


Back to the Honeymoon

A couple married thirty years were revisiting the same places
they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded
countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running
along the road.

The woman said, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did
here thirty years ago."

The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, and
they made love like never before.

Back in the car, the guy says, "Darling, you sure never moved
like That thirty years ago, or any time since that I can remember!"

The woman says, "Thirty years ago that fence wasn't electrified!"

Overspending?

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly
discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity.

To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and
$12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside
down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and
at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.

The Russians used pencils .

not actually a joke

This is not actually a joke.  We have something here that
we want you to try.  Hope this does not make you crazy!

While sitting at your desk,
lift your right foot off the floor
and make clockwise circles.

Now, while doing this,
draw the number " 6 " in the air
with your right hand.

Your foot will change direction
and there's nothing you can do about it!

Enjoy!


Rooster Named Chuck

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants
chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and
asks if he has a rooster which he would sell. The other farmer
says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster named Chuck. He'll
service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Chuck the
rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be
worth it.

So, he buys Chuck. The farmer takes Chuck home and sets
him down in the barnyard, first, giving the rooster a pep talk,
"Chuck, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of
chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money.
Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your
time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Chuck seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward
the hen house, and Chuck took off like a shot. - WHAM! -
Chuck nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times,
and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears
a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Chuck is in there.
Later, the farmer sees Chuck after a flock of geese, down by
the lake.

Once again, - WHAM! - He gets all the geese.

By sunset he sees Chuck out in the fields chasing quail and
pheasants. The farmer is distraught-worried that his
expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.

Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next
day to find Chuck dead as a doorknob-stone cold in the
middle of the yard.

Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by
the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes
his head and says, "Oh Chuck, I told you to pace yourself.
I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done
to yourself."

Chuck opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in
the sky and says, "Shhhh, they're getting closer..."

What am I going to do with you?

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new
son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the
family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm
making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go
to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll work in the office
and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck
behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you half-owner of
a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work
in an office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."


faster

Two guys were walking through the jungle. All of a sudden,
a tiger appeared from a distance, running toward them.

One of the guys took out a pair of Nikes from his bag and
started to put them on. The other guy, with a surprised look
on his face, exclaimed, 'Do you think you will run faster than
the tiger with those?'

His friend replied, 'I don't have to outrun it, I just have to run
faster than you!'


a loan

Little Johnny was being questioned by the teacher
during an arithmetic lesson. 'If you had ten dollars,'
said the teacher, 'and I asked you for a loan of
eight dollars, how much would you have left?'

'Ten,' said Little Johnny firmly.

'Ten?' the teacher said 'How do you make it ten?'

'Well,' replied Little Johnny 'You may ask for a loan of
eight dollars, but that doesn't mean you'll get it!'


Take what you want

Two engineering students were walking across campus
when one said, 'Where did you get such a great bike?'

The second engineer replied, 'Well, I was walking
along yesterday minding my own business when a
beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the
bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,
'Take what you want.'

The second engineer nodded approvingly, 'Good choice;
the clothes probably wouldn't have fit.'


There is a new virus.

The code name is 'WORK'.

If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss,
via e-mail, or from anyone else, do not touch it under
any circumstances.

This virus wipes out your private life completely. If you
should happen to come in contact with this virus, take
two friends and go straight to the nearest bar. Order
drinks immediately and after three rounds, you will find
that WORK has been completely deleted from your system.

Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends.
Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means
you are already infected by this virus and WORK already
controls your life.

If this is the case, go to the bar and stay until you make
at least five friends. Then retry.

I think I have five friends, but am not entirely positive so
I'm headed for the bar anyway.....it never hurts to be safe.


Some 'Senior' personal ads seen in Florida newspapers:
(Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?)

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,
80's, slim, 5'4'' (used to be 5'6''), searching for sharp-looking,
sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt
a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just
buried fourth husband, andam looking for someone to round
out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath
not a problem.

SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises,
the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type,
let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet
times.

WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth
seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on
the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise
in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.
If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get
together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our
two heads together.

MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition,
some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.
Isn't in running condition, but walks well.


Children Say The Darndest Things

NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back-seat, "Mom!  That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."

OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

POLICE 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"  "Yes," I answered and continued writing the  report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?"  "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me,"would you please tie my shoe?"

POLICE 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age unfailingly intrigued her, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time", she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!"

BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an  old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With  astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's  Adam's underwear!"


that's a thermos

A blonde was shopping at K-Mart and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it over to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

"Wow," said the blonde, "that's amazing... I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

Her boss, who was also blonde, saw it on her desk. "What's that?" she asked.

"Why, that's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.

"Wow, that's amazing," said the boss, "what do you have in it?"

"Two popsicles and some coffee."


did Santa bring it to you?

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when Little Suzy on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike", the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yep", Little Suzy said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed Little Suzy a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

Little Suzy looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

Little Suzy looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse not on top."


Blessed Intentions

Mrs. Donovan was walking down OConnell Street in
Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, "Top o the mornin to ye! Arent
ye Mrs. Donovan and didnt I marry ye and yer husband
2 years ago?"

She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father."

The Father asked, "And be there any wee ones yet?"

She replied, "No, not yet, Father."

The Father said, "Well now, Im going to Rome next
week and Ill light a candle for ye and yer husband."

She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father."

They parted ways. Some years later they met again.

The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye
these days?"

She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!"

The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones
yet?"

She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and
4 singles, 10 bonnie babies in all!"

The Father said, "Thats wonderful! How is yer loving
husband doing?"

She replied, "Es gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin
candle.


what they do to get their women hot

There are three guys, an Italian, a Frenchman and a Texan. They are all discussing what they do to get their women hot.

The Italian says, "First I light a candle and drip hot liquid wax all over her body, then I follow with a tender nibbling at each spot of wax until they're all gone. Then she's hot!"

When the Frenchman was queried he replies, "First I take a bouquet of roses and I pull all the petals off and sprinkle them all over her body. Then I go all over her blowing them off, one at a time. When I'm through, she's really hot!"

The previous two gents now ask the Texan what he did to get his woman hot. He replied, "Well I don't do anything that exotic! What I do is, I pick her up and throw her on the bed, grab her by the ankles and have my way with her. When I'm done, I wipe myself off on her new curtains. Man, does she get hot!"


Things that make you go hummmmmm

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

If bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

If you have to 'put your two cents in', but it's only a 'penny' for your thoughts? Where does the extra penny go?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why are you IN a movie, but your ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?


test...results...

A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth.

A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.

"Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet"

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and say's, "there's nothing wrong with them!"

Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, "that was very nice but, are... my... test...results...back?"


looks like yours!

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball, stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do"? asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey Hun, this looks like yours!'"


WORDS WOMEN USE

FINE ~ This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use 'fine' to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES ~ This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING ~ This means 'something,' and you should be on your toes. 'Nothing' is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. 'Nothing' usually signifies an argument that will last 'Five Minutes' and end with 'Fine'.

GO AHEAD ~ (With Raised Eyebrows!) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over 'Nothing' and will end with the word 'Fine'.

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows) This means 'I give up' or 'do what you want because I don't care' You will get a 'Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead' in just a few minutes, followed by 'Nothing' and 'Fine' and she will talk to you in about 'Five Minutes' when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH ~ This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A 'Loud Sigh' means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over 'Nothing'.

SOFT SIGH ~ Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. 'Soft Sighs' mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY ~ This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. 'That's Okay' means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. 'That's Okay' is often used with the word 'Fine' and in conjunction with a 'Raised Eyebrow.'

GO AHEAD! ~ At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO ~ This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a 'That's Okay'.

THANKS ~ A woman is thanking you. Do not faint! Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT ~ This is much different from 'Thanks.' A woman will say, 'Thanks A Lot' when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the 'Loud Sigh.' Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the 'Loud Sigh', as she will only tell you 'Nothing'.


"What is the fastest thing you know of?"

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified.

He decided to call the four in and ask them one question and answer would determine who would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?" pointing to the man on his right.

The first man replied, "A thought. It pops into your head. There's no forewarning that it's on the way, it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked the second man.

"Hmm..let me see, A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye. That's a very popular cliche' for speed." He turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my Dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch, when you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant. Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light", he said. Turning to the fourth man, he posed the question.

"After hearing the three previous answers, It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhea."

"What!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink or turn on the light, I'd crapped my pants!"

The forth guy got the job!


'You brought pavement?!!!'

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was
very grieved because he had worked so hard for his
money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to
heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to
take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. 'Sorry, but
you can't take your wealth with you.' The man implores
the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him.
The angel reappears and informs the man that God has
decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him.
Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills
it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates
of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the
suitcase says, 'Hold on, you can't bring that in here!'

But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has
permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord.
Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying,
'You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm
supposed to check its contents before letting it through.'

St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items
that the man found too precious to leave behind and
exclaims, 'You brought pavement?!!!'


6 ways to realize your Internet connection is a little slow:

   1.Graphics arrive via FedEx.
   2.You post a message to your favorite Newsgroup
      and it displays a week later.
   3.Your credit card expires while ordering on-line.
   4.Playboy web site exhibits 'Playmate of the year'...
      for 1999.
   5.You receive e-mails with stamps on them.
   6.You click the 'Send' button, a little door opens on
      the side of your monitor and a pigeon flies out.


ANYBODY READY FOR SEX!!

A group of guys are sitting around the table at the local sports grill. As the time quickly approaches midnight one young fellow looks at his watch and realizing the lateness of the hours jumps to his feet and bids his farewell to the others.

When questioned as to why he is in such a rush, he explains, "Look guys, as it is I have to turn the car off a mile from the house, coast into the driveway, mussel the dog, and ease the key into the door. Then I will have to sneak into the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and piss down my leg, making sure not to make any noise and ease into the bedroom. Even after all of this my new bride will be screaming 'AND JUST WHERE HAVE U BEEN ALL THIS TIME?'"

One of the older gentlemen says, "No, no, no, you're doing it all wrong. First what you do is put the car in first gear a mile away from the house, floor it all the way into your driveway blasting rock all in your neighbors yard, kick the screen door off the hinges, stomp through the house go in the bathroom piss all over the floor, kick open the bedroom and yell 'ANYBODY READY FOR SEX!!' All you will hear is snoring."


bag of money

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood and are celebrating their sixtieth wedding anniversary. They walk down the street to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they'd once shared and where he had carved 'I love you, Sally.'

On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, but they don't know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, and it's fifty thousand dollars. The husband says, "We've got to give it back." Sally says, "Finders keepers", and puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men are going door to door in the neighborhood looking for the money and show up at their home. "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?" asks one of the agents.

Sally says, 'no', but her husband pipes out, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic". Sally interrupts her husband, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile". But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. The agents instruct him to tell his side of what happened.

The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."

The FBI guys look at each other and ready agree, "We're out of here".


who should brew the coffee

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, "You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should make the coffee."

Her husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'.


older people sometimes eat food

A little old lady went to the store to buy her cat some cat food. The cashier explained she could not sell the lady the cat food without first seeing the cat since older people sometimes eat cat food.

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.

The next day, the little old lady went to the store and bought 12 of the most expensive dog cookies-one for each day of Christmas. The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming again that older people sometimes eat dog food.

Frustrated she went home, came back and brought in her dog. She was then given the dog cookies.

The next day the little old lady again went to the store, but this time she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there", but the little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would bite her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out. She told the little old lady, "Ma'am I hate to tell you this but that smells like crap."

The little old lady grinned from ear to ear, "Now, my dear, can I please buy three rolls of toilet paper"?


English is very strange

- Did you know that 'verb' is a noun?
- How can you look up words in a dictionary if you can't
spell them?
- If a word is misspelled in a dictionary, how would we ever know?
- If two mouses are mice and two louses are lice, why aren't
two houses hice?
- If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
- If you've read a book, you can reread it. But wouldn't this also
mean that you would have to 'member' somebody in order to
remember them?
- Is it a coincidence that the only 15 letter word that can be
spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable?
- Is there another word for a synonym?
- Shouldn't there be a shorter word for 'monosyllabic'?
- Why can't you make another word using all the letters in
'anagram'?
- Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
- Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
- Why do some people type 'cool' as 'kewl?'
- Why does 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean the same thing?
- Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
- Why does X stand for a kiss and O stand for a hug?
- Why is 'crazy man' an insult, while to insert a comma and
say 'Crazy, man!' is a compliment?
- Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites?
- Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?
- Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
- Why isn't 'palindrome' spelled the same way backwards?
- Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?


a diagnostic computer

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Bob says to Stanley behind him, "My elbow hurts, I guess I need to see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money", Stan replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Bob deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: 'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.'

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bob began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Bob hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
Your wife is pregnant. Twins.  They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.


an illegal alien

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien
in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls
him out and says 'Sorry, you know the law, you've
got to go back across the border right now.'

The man pleads with them, 'No, noooo Senior, I
must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!'

The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going
to make it hard for him and says 'Ok, I'll let you stay
if you can use 3 english words in a sentence'.

The man of course agrees.

The Border Patrol Agent tells him, 'The 3 words are:
Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence.'

The man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then
says, 'Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green,
Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow?'


Definitions you won't find in the dictionary!

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and
is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born
and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do
more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.


Where Do Babies Come From?

A mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in.

The Child asks "Mother, where do babies come from?"

After thinking about it for a moment the mother says "Well dear....a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their room...they kiss and hug and have sex."

The child looks puzzled. The Mother continues "That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey."

The child replys "Oh I see, but the other night when I came into yours and daddy's room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?

"The Mother says "Jewelry, dear."


Cheating Heart

Three friends are in a car driving to the ballgame when a big truck runs them over, killing them instantly.

They find themselves at the Pearly Gates being interviewed by St. Peter. "OK, you," he says, pointing to Vito, "How many times did you cheat on your wife? And don't lie, I'm St. Peter you know." Vito hangs his head and replies, "Honestly Pete, I was with two maybe three different broads a week." St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that used Geo Metro over there, goodbye."

He looks at Eddie and asks, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" Eddie replies, "I must admit that in 15 years of marriage I did cheat on my wife 3 times." St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that LeBaron.

He then looks at Jacob and asks, "And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?" Jacob lifts his head high and replies, "I am proud to say that over 20 years of marriage, I never cheated on my wife! In fact, my beloved has been dead for 2 years now and I remained celibate the whole time!" St. Peter replies, "Very impressive. Your car in heaven is that Ferrari convertible. Goodbye!"

A couple of hours later, Vito and Eddie are waiting for Jacob at the park where all three had planned to meet. Jacob arrives a couple of minutes late in his Ferrari, and his friends notice that he is sobbing like a baby.

Vito asks, "Hey! Whatsamatterwidyou? We should be crying! We're stuck with these ugly buckets and you got a new Ferrari!"

Jacob, between sobs replies, "I just saw my wife on a skateboard!"


"Investing Made Simple"

BULL MARKET - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET - A 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

MOMENTUM INVESTING - The fine art of buying high and selling low.

VALUE INVESTING - The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER - What my broker has made me.

"BUY, BUY" - A flight attendant making market recommendations as you step off the plane.

STANDARD and POOR - Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER - A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.

MARKET CORRECTION - The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS 2000 - What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR - Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT - Religious guy who talks to God.


"A Week at the Gym"

This is dedicated to every woman who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary ...

For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the Dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high school softball team, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Bruce, who identified himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started.

The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

Monday:
Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo! Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!

Tuesday:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air - then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me!

Wednesday:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my startled screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the Stair Monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other BS too.

Thursday:
Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine which I rowed to the exit right after stopping at my purse for a snack.

Friday:
I hate that idiot Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from.) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Saturday:
Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my Planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

Sunday:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband - the IDIOT- will choose a gift for me that is more in keeping with my age and interests - like lunch or shopping or watching someone beat the crap out of Bruce.


"Interpretations of Nature"

Taken from junior high, high school, and college test papers and essays submitted to science and health teachers (spelling errors preserved) ...

==~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~=~~~~~=~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~==

"When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."

"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."

"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube."

"When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide."

"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."

"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."

"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."

"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

"The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."

"The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects."

"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."

"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."

"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."

"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."

"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."

"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

"Liter: A nest of young puppies."

"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."

"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."

"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."

"Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."

"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."

"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."

"For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artifical perspiration."

"For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."

"For dog bite: put the dog away for sevral days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."

"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."

"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat."

"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."

==~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~=~~~~~=~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~==

Okay, we lied. These answers are not from students. They're from members of Congress ...


How to be boss

"By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be a boss and work twelve hours a day."


"On Thanksgiving: Don't Worry - EAT!"

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Italians drink large amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Germans drink lots of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.


"Five Year Olds Make Turkey Dinner"

Cooking Directions from 5 year olds. Bon appetit!

"Get the turkey in the woods. Take it home and cook it in the oven on 5 degrees for 10 minutes. Take it out of the oven and eat it with corn, rice and salad. Eat cookies for dessert." - Jake

"First you boil it in water- hot water. You warm it in the oven for 6 hours on 5 degrees. Eat it with a fork and knife. Eat it with potatoes and that's it." - Mallory

"Get it at the store. Put some cow sauce on it. Cook it in the oven on 3 degrees for 66 minutes. Take it out of the pan and eat it with carrot dip and roast." - Stephen

"We kill it and we take it home. Then we cook it on 50 degrees for 50 hours. We take it out of the oven and put coleslaw on it. Eat it with broccoli, mashed potatoes and bread." - Michael

"First you get it at the store. Than you get all the yuck stuff out. Put water in the pan with it. Cook it on 86 degrees for 40 minutes. Take it out and let it cool off. Eat it with corn and ham." - Sean

"I would look for a turkey in the woods and then I would shoot it. I would put in the oven on 40 degrees for 50 seconds. That's a long time! Take it out of the oven and then I would eat it with gravy. It's good with gravy. I like it." - Cassandra

"Get the turkey at the store and put in in a pan. Squirt some orange liquid on it - like soy sauce - with that big medicine dropper. Put it in the oven on 44 degrees for five hours. Take it out and let it cool off. Take the vegetables out of the inside and then you eat it. My dad cooks steaks real good, like a 'cheffer.'" - Kelsi

Hope this helps in your Holiday planning!


"The Value of Time"

To realize the value of ten years: Ask a newly divorced couple.

To realize the value of four years: Ask a graduate.

To realize the value of one year: Ask a student who has failed a final exam.

To realize the value of nine months: Ask a mother who gave birth to a still born.

To realize the value of one month: Ask a mother who has given birth to a premature baby.

To realize the value of one week: Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.

To realize the value of one hour: Ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.

To realize the value of one minute: Ask a person who has missed the train, bus or plane.

To realize the value of one second: Ask a person who has survived an accident.

To realize the value of one millisecond: Ask the person who has won a silver medal in the Olympics.

Time waits for no one. Treasure every moment you have. You will treasure it even more when you can share it with someone special.


What is Sex?

Sex is the the greatest good-for-nothing of all the ages


God Will Provide

A girl has brought her fiance home for dinner.
After dinner, the fiance and the girl's father go
into the study for a man to man talk.

'So, what are you doing right now?' asks the father.

'I am a theology scholar,' replies the fiance.

'Do you have any plans of employment?'

'I will study and God will provide.'

'What about the children?' asks the man.

'God will provide.'

'And your house and car?'

'Again, God will provide,' says the fiance.

After the talk, the girl's mother asks the father,
'So what did you two talk about?'

The man replies, 'He has no plans of employment,
but on the other hand, he thinks I'm God.'


Fishin' or making love

When you go fishin' and you catch somethin', that's good.
If you're making love and you catch somethin', that's bad.
          -----------------------
Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither.
And want to know how many other fish you caught.
          -----------------------
Fish don't complain if you light up a smoke right after you
catch 'em.
          -----------------------
You can catch and release a fish, you don't have to lie
and promise to still be friends after you let it go.
          -----------------------
You can catch a fish on a 20-cent nightcrawler; if you
want to catch a woman you're talking dinner and a
movie minimum.
          -----------------------
You don't have to necessarily change your line to keep
catching fish.
          -----------------------
Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishin'.
          -----------------------
You don't have to promise to respect a fish in the morning.
          -----------------------
In fishin' you lie about the one that got away.
In lovin' you lie about the one you caught.
          -----------------------
Fishing is a lot easier than makin' love too...
You can shower, shave, brush your teeth, go get a haircut,
put on aftershave, change your underwear.
Or you can go down to the bait shop,  buy a dozen
waxworms, you're in business! See?

THE MOOD RING:

My husband bought me a Mood ring the other day.  When I'm in
a good mood it turns green.  When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves
a Red mark on his forehead.

LIFE AFTER DEATH:

"Do you believe in life after death?" The Boss asked one of his
employees.

"Yes, sir." The new employee replied.

"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the Boss went on.
"After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's
funeral, she stopped in to see you!"

SUPPORT A FAMILY:

The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you
support a family?"

The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no.  I was just
planning to support your daugther.  The rest of you will
have to fend for yourselves."

Ten Lawyer Jokes:

What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.

What's the difference between a dead dog and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

What do we have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.

How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Shoot him before he hits the water.

Have you heard about the lawyer's word processor?
No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.

Heard about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

Where can you find a good lawyer?
In the cemetery.

Why Pumpkins Are Better Than Men

-- Every year you get a brand new crop to choose from.

-- No matter what your mood, pumpkins are always
   ready to greet you with a smile.

-- One usually makes a better pie.

-- They are always on the doorstep there waiting for you!

-- If you don't like the way he looks, you just carve up
   another face.

-- If he starts smelling up your place, you can just throw
   him out.

-- From the start, you know a pumpkin has an empty,
   mush filled head.

-- A pumpkin is turned on (lit-up) only when you want
   him to be.

Happy Halloween!!!

Cliff's Explanation Regarding Beer Drinking

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the
Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this...

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest
buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest
and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This
natural selection is good for the herd as a whole,
because the general speed and health of the whole
group keeps improving by the regular killing of the
weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only
operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.

Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells.
But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain
cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer
eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a
faster and more efficient machine. That's why you
always feel smarter after a few beers."

WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN
(AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they
are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or  students...
here is something to make you chuckle.  Whenever your
children are out of control, you can take comfort from the
thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to
His own children After creating heaven and earth, God
created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was
"DON'T!

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit?  Hey Eve...
we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"

"No Way!"

"Yes way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.

"Why"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied,
wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making
the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children
having an apple break and He was ticked! "Didn't I tell
you not to eat the fruit?" God  asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment
was that Adam and Eve should have children of their
own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!   If you
have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom
and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God
had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would
be a piece of cake for you?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them
to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling
them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own
children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their
young.
4. Children seldom misquote you.  In fact, they usually
repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to
remind yourself that there are children more awful than
your own.
6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will
choose your nursing home one day.

AND FINALLY:
IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

" TAKE TWO ASPIRINS " AND " KEEP AWAY FROM  CHILDREN "!!

THE SILENT TREATMENT

Mike and Joan were having some problems at home and
were giving each other the "silent treatment." But then Mike
realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am
for an early morning drive with some pals to a golf match.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and so lose
the "war"), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me
at 5:00 am."

The next morning, Mike woke up, only to discover it was
9:00 am and his friends would have left for the golf course
without him.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't
awakened him,  when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 am. Wake up."

Men simply are not equipped for these kinds of contests.


All The Same

A Chinese man and his Jewish friend were walking
along one day when the Jewish man whirled and
slugged the Chinese man and knocked him down.

'What was that for?' the Chinese man asked.

'That was for Pearl Harbor!' the Jewish man said.

'Pearl Harbor? That was the Japanese. I'm Chinese.'

'Chinese, Japanese, you are all the same!'

'Oh!'

They continued walking and after a while the Chinese
man whirled and knocked the Jewish man to the ground.

'What was that for?' the Jewish man asked.

'That was for the Titanic!'

'The Titanic? That was an iceberg.'

'Iceberg, Goldberg, you are all the same.'


The perks of getting older...

1. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
2. In a hostage situation you are to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run - anywhere.
4. People call at 8pm and ask, 'Did I wake you?'
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You get to eat dinner at 3pm.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. Kidnappers are not interested in you.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who
walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning
to pay off.
18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than
the national weather service.
19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they
can't remember them either.
20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.


Some Questions

Where can a man buy a cap for his knee?

Or a key for a lock of his hair?

Can your eyes be called an academy? Because there
are pupils there?

In the crown of your head what jewels are found?

Who crosses the bridge of your nose?

Could the crook in your elbow be sent to jail?

How can you sharpen your shoulder blades?

Could you sit in the shade of the palm of your hand?

Or beat the drum of your ear?

Does the calf of your leg eat the corn on your toe?
Then why grow corn on the ear?


Four worms

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day, these were the results:

The first worm in the jar of alcohol:----- dead.
Second worm in the jar of cigarette smoke:----- dead.
Third worm in the jar of sperm:----- dead.
Fourth worm in the jar of soil:----- alive.

Lesson Learned:  As long as you drink,
smoke and have sex, you won't get worms!!!


Subject: A. A. A. D. D.

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to wash my car. As I start toward the garage,
I notice that there is mail on the hall table. I decide to
go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail
in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash
can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take
out the trash first. But then I think, since I'm going to be
near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I
may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is
only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in
the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of
Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push
the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should
put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of
flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to
be watered. I set the Coke down on the counter, and
I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching
for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my
desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a
container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight
when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote,
but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so
I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but
first I'll water the flowers.

I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills
on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then I head down
the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't
paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,
the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in
my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my
glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long,
and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some
help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone
you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been
sent.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY.
GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.
LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC.


He Said - She Said

______________________

He said, "What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?"

She said, "Turn sideways and look in the mirror."
______________________

He says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world"

She says, "I'll miss you"
_______________________

He said, "Since I first laid eyes on you, I have wanted to make love to you really badly."

She said, "Well, you succeeded."
______________________


"Why don't you just leave it?"

Norman and his wife live in Calgary. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snow plow can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snow plow can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 centimeters of snow today. You must park......",  then the electric power goes out.

Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice like all of us men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"


His arm is not himself

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried
this creative defense:

'My client merely inserted his arm into the window and
removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself,
and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual
for an offense committed by his limb.'

'Well put,' the judge replied. 'Using your logic, I sentence
the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can
accompany it or not, as he chooses.'

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he
detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.


ask Jonah

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The
teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to
swallow a human because even though it was a very large
mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated
that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not
swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The
little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.'

When the teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?',
the little girl replied, 'Then you can ask him.


a gay bar

A cowboy walks into a bar. Two steps inside the door he realizes it's a gay bar. But what the heck, he thinks to himself. I really want a drink.

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your penis?"

The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It'. That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'it really Satisfies'."

The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"

The man looks back and says with a smile "TIMEX."

The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?"

The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!"

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, What do you guys call yours?"

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because 'Quality is Job One'." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford Lately?"

The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY 'Like A Rock!'" and gives a wink.

Even more shaken, then the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is 'SECRET'. Now give me a beer."

The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"

The cowboy says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"


from the Zoo

An Indian wearing a turban was standing in front of the
United Nations building when two Englishmen passed by.

One Englishman thinking that the person dressed in Indian
style won't understand English commented to the other,
'I think this man just came out from the Zoo'.

Immediately, the Indian replied, 'My dear friends, I was
thinking just a few seconds ago on how to enter it!!'


sex against a fence

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife. "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."

"Yes she says, I remember it well."

"Ok he says, how about taking a stroll a round there again and we can do it for old times sake."

"Oooooooh Henry, You Devil, that sounds like a good idea" she answers.

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see this. Two old-timers having sex against a fence, I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." He follows them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers, she turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.

Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year olds. This goes on for about forty minutes. She's yelling, "Ohhhh, God". He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, the both collapse panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know before. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman, still watching thinks, "That was truly amazing! He was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is." As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else, you must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"

"No, there's no secret," the old man says, "fifty years ago that damn fence wasn't electric."


won $5,000 in a safety competition

A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that
because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won
$5,000 in a safety competition.

'What are you going to do with the prize money?'
the officer asked.

The man responded, 'I guess I'll go to driving school and
get my license.'

At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him,
chimed in, 'Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart
aleck when he's drunk.'

This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he
saw the cop, blurted out, 'I knew we wouldn't get far in
this stolen car.'

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and
a voice asked, 'Are we over the border yet?'


wonderful Russian baby

A young couple were delighted when their long wait to adopt
a baby came to an end.  The adoption center called and told
them that they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the
couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by
the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.

After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired,
'What ever possessed you to study Russian?'

The couple said proudly, 'We just adopted a Russian baby,
and in a year or so he'll start to talk.  We just want to be
able to understand him.'


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
(new version)

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN:

1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

2. She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

3. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

4. She is not DUMB -She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

5. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

6. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

7. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

10. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

11. She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS -She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.

12. She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN:

1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

5. He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.

8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.

9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

10. He is not HORNY - He is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.


tall chick with long legs

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich
behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over
and asks for their order.

The man says, 'I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,'
and turns to the ostrich.  'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,'
says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
'That will be $6.40 please,' and the man reaches into his
pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and
the man says, 'I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,'
and the ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays
with the exact change.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come
up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?'

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning
the attic and I found an old lamp.  When I rubbed it a
Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount
of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress.  'Most people would
wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always
be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right!  Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce,
the exact money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs and answers, 'My second wish was for a
tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.'


see the Pope

This guy goes to see the Pope as he was visiting in Europe.
There is a huge crowd of people there but he manages to
get through.

He watches as the Pope stops every once in a while to
whisper something into their ear. He was dressed in his
best suit because he really wanted the Pope to talk to
him but, as the Pope came up to him, he walked right by
and stopped by a guy near him who was homeless and
dressed in rags.

So, the man says to himself, I know why he stopped at
him, he's homeless! So the man pays the homeless guy
50 dollars to use his clothes and he goes back the next day.

Well, this time the Pope stopped at him, leaned over, and
whispered, 'I thought I told you to get out of here yesterday!


cryptic message

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."
Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."


same old stuff

A one dollar bill met a twenty dollar bill and said,
'Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around
here much.'

The twenty answered, 'I've been hanging out at the casinos,
went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to
the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball
games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?'

The one dollar bill said, 'You know, same old stuff...
church, church, church.'


THE LONELY LITTLE BRAIN CELL

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which by mistake happened to end up in a man's head.

She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet. "Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer. Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away

..........................................
"We're down here!"


a C monkey

A tourist walks into a pet shop in Silicon Valley, and is
browsing around the cages on display. While he's there,
another customer walks in and says to the shopkeeper,
'I'll have a C monkey, please'. The shopkeeper nods,
goes over to a cage at the side of the shop and takes
out a monkey. He fits a collar and leash and hands it
to the customer, saying 'That'll be $5,000'. The customer
pays and walks out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist goes over to the shopkeeper and
says, 'That was a very expensive monkey-most of them
are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?'

'Oh', says the shopkeeper, 'that monkey can program
in C with very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the
money.'

The tourist starts to look at the monkeys in the cage. He
says to the shop keeper, 'That one's even more expensive,
$10,000! What does it do?'

'Oh', says the shopkeeper, 'that one's a C++ monkey; it
can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++,
even some Java, all the really useful stuff.'

The tourist looks round for a little longer and sees a third
monkey in a cage on its own. The price tag round its neck
says $50,000.

He gasps to the shop keeper, 'That one costs more than
all the others put together! What on earth does it do?'

'Well,' says the shopkeeper, 'I don't know if it actually
does anything, but says it's a Consultant.'


REJECTION LETTER RESPONSE TEMPLATE

The next time you get a rejection letter from a hoped-for
employer, just send them the following:

Dear [name of the person who signed the rejection letter],

Thank you for your letter of [date of the rejection letter].
After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am
unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment
with your firm.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving
an unusually large number of rejection letters. With
such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is
impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite
[name of the company that sent you this letter]'s
outstanding qualifications and previous experience in
rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not
meet with my needs at this time.

Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm
immediately following [graduation/job change,
etc. -- get creative here].

I look forward to working with you.

Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.

Sincerely,
[your name] 


Always wear clean underwear in public.

A middle-aged couple had driven their car to Wal-Mart, only to have the car break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.

On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underwear turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.


What, exactly, are those curious animals called cats?

1. Cats do what they want, when they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play they want to be left alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8. They're moody.
9. They leave their hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts.

*Conclusion*: Cats are little, tiny women in cheap fur coats.


'Some things you just can't explain.'

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar slowly
getting drunk. A man comes in and asks the farmer,
'Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day
getting drunk?'

The farmer says, 'Some things you just can't explain.'

'So what happened that is so horrible?' the man asked.

The farmer then decides to try an answer, 'Well if you
must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her.
Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg
and kicked it over.'

'That's not so bad, what's the big deal?'

The farmer says, 'Some things you just can't explain.'

'So what happened?' the man asked again.

The farmer relenting, continued 'I took her left leg and
tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I
sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the
bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over.'

'Again?'

The farmer says, 'Some things you just can't explain.'

' So, what did you do then?' then man asked, intrigued.

'I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right.
I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as
I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocks
over the bucket with her tail.'

'Wow, you must have been pretty upset!' but that's no
reason to just sit here getting all depressed.'

The farmer says, 'Some things you just can't explain.'

'So then what else did you do?' the man asked again.

'Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt
and tied her tail to the rafter. That's when my pants fell
down and my wife walked in. Some things you just
can't explain.'


The Wrong Way

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!'

'It's not just one car,' said Herman. 'It's hundreds of them!'


New Hat

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blown off in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said: 'Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?'

'Yes, I know,' said the lady, 'I need both hands to hold onto this hat.'

'But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!' said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, 'Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!'


For folks over 40...

A Computer was something on TV * From a Science Fiction show of note

A Window was something you hated to clean * And Ram was the father of a goat. * Meg was the name of my girlfriend * And Gig was a job for the nights * Now they all mean different things * And that really Mega Bytes.

An Application was for employment * A Program was a TV show * A Cursor used profanity * A Keyboard was a piano.

A Memory was something that you lost with age * A CD was a bank account * And if you had a 3-inch floppy * You hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to the garbage * Not something you did to a file * And if you Unzipped anything in public * You'd be in jail for a while.

Log on was adding wood to the fire * Hard drive was a long trip on the road * A Mouse pad was where a mouse lived * And a Backup happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocket knife * Paste you did with glue * A Web was a spider's home * And a Virus was the flu.

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper * And the Memory in my head. * I hear nobody's been killed in a Computer crash * But when it happens they wish they were dead.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's all so very true.


Salesman Telephoned

A salesman telephoned a household, and a four-year-old boy answered. The conversation went thus:

Salesman: May I speak to your mother?

Boy: She's not here.

Salesman: Well, is anyone else there?

Boy: My sister.

Salesman: O.K., fine. May I speak to her?

Boy: I guess so. At this point there was a very long silence on the phone. Then:

Boy: Hello?

Salesman: It's you. I thought you were going to call your sister?

Boy: I did. The trouble is, I can't get her out of the playpen.


Why men don't listen and women can't read maps

"Are men's and women's brains different?" Ask a woman that question and she's likely to say, "Yes. Next question?" Ask a man and he'll stop and think about it.

Our brains are "wired" differently. Hit a man on the left side of his head and he may lose his speech. Hit a woman on the left side of the head and she'll probably go right on talking. When she talks she uses both sides of the brain.

Because men's and women's brains are wired differently, we see and hear the world differently. Maybe we ought think of that when we plan our web sites.

Most women aren't good at reading maps. They tend to turn them upside down to try to figure out where they're going. Men can usually rotate the map in their minds. It's called "spatial ability" and it makes men good at calculating speed, movement and distance.

I nearly forgot. Why doesn't a man listen? It's because he's busy thinking about something else - and as every woman knows, a man can do only one thing at a time.


Why women want to be beautiful

"Most women would rather have beauty than brains - because they know men can see better than they can think."


Life is short

"Life is short. Eat dessert first."


What women can do

"Women are expected to do twice as much as men in half the time and for no credit. Fortunately this isn't difficult."


Famous failures

Beethoven's music teacher once said of him: "As a composer, he's hopeless."

When Thomas Edison was a boy, his teachers told him he was too stupid to learn anything.

Walt Disney was fired by a newspaper editor because he had "no good ideas".

Caruso's music teacher told him: "You can't sing. You have no voice at all."

You CAN do it. You really can.


How To Get A Raise

A boss tells his new employee, "I'll give you 8 bucks an hour starting today and in three months, I'll raise it to 10 bucks an hour.
So when would you like to start?''

''In 3 months.''


Silence

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.
The Priest said, 'Sister, this is a silent monastery.
You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may
not speak until I direct you to do so.'

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years
before the Priest said to her, 'Sister Mary Katherine, you
have been here for 5 years.  You can speak two words.'

Sister Mary Katherine said, 'Hard bed.'

'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said,
'We will get you a better bed.'

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called
by the Priest...'You may say another two words, Sister
Mary Katherine.'

'Cold food,' said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest
assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again
called Sister Mary Katherine into his office.  You may say
two words today.'

'I quit,' said Sister Mary Katherine.

'It's probably best', said the Priest,
'You've done nothing but complain since you got here!'


Life is unfair

Life is unfair. I lost my car keys at a ball game and
never found them. I lost my sunglasses at the beach
and never found them. I lost my socks in the washing
machine and never found them. I lost three pounds on
a diet -- I found them and five more.


I prefer Christmas

A couple who are celebrating their 50th wedding
aniversary at a fancy restaurant are reminiscing
about times past. After having mentioned all the
wonderful moments of their full and happy life
together, the old man says 'You know, I still
love the sex we have together, darling.'

After a couple of minutes thinking about this,
the wife replies, 'Well, yup, me too, but I think
I prefer Christmas.'

Somewhat taken aback, the husband retorts,
'Don't you prefer the sex?'

'Difficult to say,' says the old lady,
'but Christmas does come 'round more often.'


'Emergency Repair Kit'

Josh was helping Sally clean out the trunk of her car.

Inside, he noticed a bag labeled 'Emergency Repair Kit'.
Looking at it a little closer, he noticed a stick of dynamite
inside.

Thinking that was a bit strange, he asked Sally what it was for.

She said, 'It's part of my emergency repair kit.'

Josh said, 'I can see that, but why?'

Sally replied, 'In case I have a flat and need to blow up one
of my tires.'


How to Truly Impress A Client.

I was in the airport VIP lounge en route to Seattle a couple
of weeks ago.  While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting
comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink.

I was meeting a very important client who was also flying
to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late.

Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the
Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, 'Mr. Gates,
I wonder if you would do me a favor.'

'Yes?'

'I'm sitting right over there,' pointing to my seat at the bar,
'and I'm waiting on a very important client.  Would you be
so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say,
'Hi, Ray,'?'

'Sure.'

I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat.

About ten minutes later, my client showed up.  We ordered
a drink and started to talk business.

A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder.  It was
Bill Gates.

'Hi, Ray,' he said.

I replied, 'Get outa here, Gates, don't you see I'm in a meeting?!'


can't fly

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a
parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess
for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, 'And get me
a coke, you cow!' The stewardess, flustered, brings back
a coke for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot
drains its glass and bawls 'And get me another coke
dogface!' Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking
with another coke but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the
parrot's approach. 'I've asked you twice for a coffee!
Go and get it now you old goat!'

The next moment both he and the parrot have been
wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by
two burly stewards.

Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says,
'For someone who can't fly, you've got guts!'


familiar face

A couple were dining out one evening, when the wife
noticed a familiar face at the restaurant's bar.

'Honey,' she said as she pointed the guy out,
'I know that guy at the bar and he has been drinking
like that since I left him seven years ago!'

Her husband quickly replied,
'That's silly, no one celebrates that long?!'


A Real Superman...

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from
Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman.
Angry, she became violent and ended up pushing him
off the balcony of their third floor apartment, killing him
instantly.

When brought before the court on charges of murder,
she was asked if she had anything to say to defend
herself.

'Well, Your Honor,' she replied coolly. 'I figured that at 92,
if he could still make love to another woman, he probably
could fly!'


so fast

Three kids get into boasting about their dads.

'My dad is so fast that he can shoot an arrow and
then run himself to catch the arrow!', said one of
the kids.

'My dad is even faster - he can shoot a deer and run
ahead of the bullet to catch it as it is coming out from
the other side of the animal', said the second child.

'That's nothing. My dad is a civil servant. His off-time
at his office is 4:30 P.M. but he is home at 3:30 P.M.!'
said the third.


Karate Dog

Harold's new job had him working really late. He decides
to get his wife a watchdog. He goes to the pet store and
asks for a doberman.

The employee said, 'If its a guard dog you want I have
a dog just for you.' The man walks to the back of the
store to get a dog and comes back with a little poodle.

Harold says, 'This small thing, a watch dog? You're
kidding, right?'

The employee says, 'No, this dog is special; he knows
karate.'

'Karate? I don't believe it,' Harold says.

The employee puts the dog down and says,
'Karate the sign.' And the dog runs up and rips the sign
advertising dog food to shreds. Harold is amazed at this.

The employee then says, 'Karate the chair.' And the dog
runs up and rips the chair to shreds. By now Harold is
convinced.

'I'll take him,' he says.

When he gets home he surprises his wife and she
yells out, 'This little thing, a watch dog? No way.'

Harold says, 'But this dog knows karate.'

'Karate,' she yells. 'Karate my ass!'


Elderly Meal

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to
lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had
ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he
watched, the gentleman carefully divided the
hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one
for him, one for her, until each had half of them.
Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra
cup and set that in front of his wife. The old ma
  then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with
her hands folded in her lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would allow
him to purchase another meal for them so that
they didn't have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, 'Oh no. We've been married
50 years, and everything has always been and will
always be shared, 50/50.'

The young man then asked the wife if she was going
to eat, and she replied, 'It's his turn with the teeth.'


what happened last night?

Bill wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces
himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is
a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side
table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him,
all clean and pressed. Bill looks around the room and
sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So's
the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices
a note on the table 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove,
I left early to go shopping. Love you.'

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is
a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son
is also at the table, eating.

Bill asks, 'Son, what happened last night?'

His son says, 'Well, you came home after 3 A.M.,
drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in
the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when
you stumbled into the door.'

Confused, Bill asks, 'So, why is everything in order and
so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?'

His son replies, 'Oh that! Mom dragged you to the
bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off
you said, 'Lady leave me alone, I'm married'!'


the right rhythm

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away,
Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95
year old Grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how
her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, 'He had a
heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.'

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly
100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

'Oh no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realising
our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was
when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the
right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous.

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, 'and if
that damned Ice Cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still
be alive.'


SIGNS

Sign in a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES
WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

Sign in a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE
STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING
IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS
THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL
YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS ON HOW TO READ

Sign on a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK
HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)


the biggest lie

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon
a group of a few boys about 10 years of age, surrounding a
dog. Concerned that the boys were hurting the animal, he
went over and asked them what they were doing.

One of the boys replied, 'This dog is an old neighborhood
stray.  We take him home with us sometimes, but only one
of us can take him home. So we're having a contest: whichever
one of us tells the biggest lie can take him home today.'

Of course, the Reverend was shocked. 'You boys shouldn't be
having a contest telling lies!' he exclaimed. He then launched
into a 10-minute sermon against lying, beginning, 'Don't you
boys know it's a sin to lie?' and ending with, 'Why, when I
was your age, I never told a lie.'

There was complete silence for about a minute. As the
Reverend smiled with satisfaction that he'd gotten through to
them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh.  'All right,' he said,
'give him the dog.'


Cuckoo Clock

I was invited out for a night with "the boys." I told my wife that I would be home by midnight ...promise! Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 3 A.M., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

Next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said "Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said 'oh fuck,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted.


"The Attorney"

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene? *
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description? *
A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. *
A. Yes sir.

Q. Do you trust your fellow officers? *
A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties? *
A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room? *
A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker? *
A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, Officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers? *
A. You see, sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.


FARMER JOE'S RESPONSE

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Joe.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'" asked the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the ..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'"

Farmer Joe replied, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road ..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her then he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"


What is a Grandparent?

WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?
(taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)


Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of
her own. They like other people's.

A grandfather is a man grandmother.

Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we
come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run.
It is good if they drive us to the store and have lots of quarters for us.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like
pretty leaves and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also
Why we shouldn't step on "cracks."

They don't say, "Hurry up."

Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandparents don't have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like "why isn't God married?" and
"How come dogs chase cats?".

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we
ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't
have television, because they are the only grown ups who like to
spend time with us.

They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they
say prayers with us every time, and kiss us even when we've acted
bad.

A 6 YEAR OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED.
''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT, AND WHEN WE
WANT HER WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE
HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.''


Helicopter Problem

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday
when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's
electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine
the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew
a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window.
The pilot's sign said 'WHERE AM I?' in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft,
drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their
sign said 'YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.'

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined
the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the
pilot how the 'YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER' sign helped
determine their position in Seatle.

The pilot responded 'I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT
building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me
a technically correct but completely useless answer.'


what's sex?

A sweet little girl runs out to the backyard where
her father is working and asks him, 'Daddy, what's sex?'

So, her father sits her down and tells her all about
the birds and the bees.

He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse,
sperms and eggs.

He tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections.

Then he thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell
her the whole works, thinking that to tell it all is
the only way to tell the truth.

The girl is quite awestruck with this sudden influx
of bizarre new knowledge.

Her father finally asks, 'So what made you wish
to know about sex?'

Oh, mommy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs...'


longer dipstick

A woman pulls over at the gas station, gets out of
her car, opens the hood, and checks the engine oil.
After a few seconds she takes the dipstick in her
hand and, raising her chest high, walks up to the
attendant.

'Excuse me sir, but can I buy a longer dipstick?'

'May I ask why you need a longer one ma'am?'

'Because this one isn't long enough to reach the oil!'


fastest things

4 guys are sitting around and contemplating about the the
fastest things that happen, the first guy says that it is a
'thought', because before you even think about it, it has past.

The secound guy says, no, it's a 'blink' because it's done
even before you know it.

The third guy says it's a 'light switch', because as soon as
you hit that switch, the light is on immediately!

The fourth guy says, 'No it's diarrhea!'

The other 3 say, 'What do you mean?'

'Well the other night, I was laying in my bed, and before
I could Think, Blink, or Turn on the lights...I Shit my Pants!'


you take an 11

A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of
shoes, size 8.

The obviously well trained salesman says, 'But sir,
you take an 11.

'Just bring me a size 8.'

The sales guy brings them, and it takes three salesmen
to get the shoes on his feet.  One to hold him in the
chair, one to hold his foot, and one to work the shoe
horn.

Finally, with his size 8 shoes the man, stands up in
obvious pain, and starts to walk towards the cashier.

The salesman says, 'Sir, why are you torturing yourself?
You need size 11.'

He turns to the salesman and says, 'I've lost my job,
I've lost my house to the IRS, I live with my mother-in-law,
my daughter ran off with my best friend and got pregnant,
and my son just told me he was gay.  The only pleasure
I have left is to come home at night and take these
shoes off.'


Puzzle: You are a bus driver

You are a bus driver. At the first stop, 4 people get on. At the second stop, 8 people get on. At the third stop, 2 people get off, and at the last stop, everyone get off. The question is: What color are the bus driver's eyes?

Answer to Puzzle:

Since the puzzle starts out by saying you are the bus driver, the answer would be the color of your own eyes.


HOW TO SATISFY

HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN:

Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromatize, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand.

HOW TO SATISFY A MAN:

Show up naked.


baby was his?

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, 'I'll be 16 tomorrow.'

'I know,' said the butcher with a smile, 'I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face.'

When the boy arrived home he told his mother.

The woman nodded and said, 'Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!'


Adam and Eve

Women are overly suspicious of their husbands ever since during the time of Adam and Eve.

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

'You're running around with other women,' she charged.

'You're being unreasonable,' Adam responded. 'You're the only woman on earth.'

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.

'What do you think you're doing?' Adam demanded.

'Counting your ribs!'


She talks too much

Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's.

However, her teacher had written across the bottom: 'Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit.'

Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: 'Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother.'


How often do you have sex?

After the baby was born, the panicked Japanese father went to see the obstetrician. 'Doctor,' he said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine.'

'Nonsense,' the doctor said. 'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'

'It isn't possible,' the man insisted. 'We're pure Asian.'

'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?'

The man seemed ashamed. 'I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once every 2 months.'

'There you have it!' the doctor said confidently. 'It's just rust.'


haggling over the price

The train was travelling along when a beautiful young
woman entered the compartment which was deserted
except for a businessman reading his paper. The
man peered over his paper and asked 'Would you let
me kiss you for fifty cents?'

'Certainly not!' exclaimed the young woman, and the
businessman returned to his paper. A short while
later he looked across again and said 'Would you let
me kiss you for a thousand dollars?'

After a brief pause, the woman replied 'yes, I suppose
I would.' Again the man returned to his newspaper.

A few minutes later the man asked 'Would you let me
kiss you for five dollars?'

'Certainly not!' replied the young woman, getting angry
now 'What kind of girl do you take me for?'

'We've already established that' replied the man,
'We're just haggling over the price!'


All my love

I shall seek and find you...

I shall take you to bed and control you...

will make you ache, shake, and sweat until you grunt and groan...

I will make you beg for mercy...

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I
leave you...

And you will be weak for days.

All my love,

The FLU

 


Wasn't easy

On their anniversary night, the husband sat and his wife
sat down in the den with her favourite magazine, turned
on the soft reading lamp, slipped off her shoes, patted
and propped her feet and announced that he was
preparing dinner all by himself.

'How romantic!' she thought.

Two-and-a-half hours later, she was still waiting for dinner
to be served.

She tiptoed to the kitchen and found it a colossal mess.
Her harried husband, removing something indescribable
from the smoking oven, saw her in the doorway.
'Almost ready!' he vowed. 'Sorry it took me so long --
I had to refill the pepper shaker.'

'Why, honey, how long could that have taken you?'

'More'n an hour, I reckon. Wasn't easy stuffin' it through
those dumb little holes.'


BEEP BEEP

There was an old man who always rode his bike to his
brother's house every weekend. It took him 2 hours and
he alway's made it by there by 2PM.

One day he tried to make it in 1 hour. Collapsing on a
hill from exhaustion, while sitting there, a Corvette pulls
up and asks him if he needs a ride. The man looks at
his watch and sees he would be late if not, but there
is already a passenger, so he asks how?

'No problem,' says the man in the corvette, 'I've got a
rope in the back and we'll tie your bike to the back
bumper and you can ride.'

The man says, 'Ok!'

They take off and the driver yells back, 'Just yell
BEEP BEEP if I'm going to fast.' No problem the man
thinks.

They come to an Intersection and a Ferrari pulls up,
the man's eye's widen in fright.

Sure enough, the light changes and THEIR OFF! Anyway,
the guy made it to his brothers on time and the Vette lost.

Meanwhile, at the local police dept... 'Hey guys the weirdest
thing just happened to me. A Ferrari and a 'Vette just lost
me at over 120 mph on Main Street.'

'What's so weird about that?' asks the other cops. The
first cop says, 'There was this old guy on a bike behind
them screaming BEEP BEEP and trying to pass!'


TOP FIVE REASONS WHY GOD CREATED EVE

5.  God worried that Adam would frequently become lost
  in the garden because he would not ask for directions.

4.  God knew that Adam would never go out and get
     himself a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and
     would therefore need Eve to get one for him.

3.  God knew that Adam would never be able to remember
     which night to put the garbage on the curb.

2.  As Keeper of the Garden Adam would never remember
     where he left his tools.

And finally...

1.  When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped
     back, scratched His head and said,
     "I can do better than that."


the same thing will happen

A cowboy had been in the saloon for a long time and
decided that it was time, once again to head for the
hills. He walked through the swing doors and immediately
noticed that his horse had disappeared from the rail.

'OK', he said, re-entering the crowded bar 'I,m gonna have
one more drink and if my horse ain't back by then, the
same thing will happen here that happened in Dodge City.'

With that several of the cowboys ran out of the saloon and
within minutes one had returned to tell him that they'd found
his horse for him.

As he turned to leave the bartender stopped him. 'Excuse
me stranger', he said, 'but what happened in Dodge City?'

The cowboy replied: 'I had to walk home!'


just blew up

Three men are on a plane. They open a window and one
throws an orange out. The other throws out an apple.
The Third throws out a hand grenade.

After getting off of the plane, they see a boy crying. They
ask what's wrong, and he replies, 'An apple hit me in the
head!'

They see another boy crying. He says, 'An orange hit me in
the head!'

Then they see a boy rolling on the sidewalk laughing.

They asked why he was laughing, and he replied, 'I farted
and that house over there just blew up!'


mistake

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake.
The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their
money.

The gang was very happy to escape. 'It ain't so bad,'
one crook noted. 'We got $25 between us.'

The boss screamed: 'I warned you to stay clear of lawyers...
we had $100 when we broke in!'


not to argue

This Policeman pulled a car over and told the man driving
that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone.

'I was only going 40!' the driver protested.

'Not according to my radar,' the officer replied.

'Yes, I was!' the man shouted back.

'No you weren't!' the policeman said, starting to get
annoyed.

With that, the man's wife leaned toward the window and said,
'Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when
he's been drinking.'


dead horses in the road

The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were
there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.

'Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran
a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab
but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it
dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here.'

The General was very skeptical about this explanation
but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments
later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting,
he asked them why they were late.

'Sorry, sir! we had dates and they ran a little late, we ran to the
bus but missed it, we hailed a cab but it broke down, found
a farm, bought several horses but all dropped dead, ran 10 miles,
and now we're here.'

The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since
he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I.
jogged up to the General, panting heavily.

'Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the
bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but...'

'Let me guess,' the General interrupted, 'it broke down.'

'No,' said the G.I., 'there were so many dead horses in
the road, it took forever to get around them.'


receive a "B"

A professor stood before his class of 20 senior
organic biology students, about to hand out the final
exam.

"I want to say that it's been a pleasure teaching
you this semester. I know you've all worked extremely
hard and many of you are off to medical school after
summer break. So that no one gets their GP messed up
because they might have been celebrating a bit too
much this week, anyone who would like to opt out of
the final exam today will receive a "B" for the course."
There was much rejoicing amongst the class as
students got up, passed by the professor to thank him
and sign out on his offer.

As the last taker left the room, the professor looked
out over the handful of remaining students and asked,
"Any one else? This is your last chance." One final
student rose up and took the offer.

The professor closed the door and took attendance of
those students remaining. "I'm glad to see you believe
in yourself," he said. "You all have "A's."


A doctor, an architect, and an attorney

A doctor, an architect, and an attorney were dining at the
country club one day, and the conversation turned to the
subject of their respective dogs, which were apparently
quite extraordinary. A wager was placed on who had the
most intelligent dog.

The physician offered to show his dog first, and called to
the parking lot, 'Hippocrates, come!' Hippocrates ran in,
and was told by the doctor to do his stuff.

Hippocrates ran to the golf course and dug for a while,
producing a number of bones. He dragged the bones into
the country club, and assembled them into a complete,
fully articulated human skeleton. The physician patted
Hippocrates on the head, and gave him a cookie for his efforts.

The architect was only marginally impressed, and called
for his dog, 'Sliderule, come!' Sliderule ran in, and was told
to do his stuff.

The dog immediately chewed the skeleton to rubble, but
reassembled the fragments into a scale model of the
Taj Mahal. The architect patted his dog and gave him a cookie.

The attorney watched the other two dogs, and called 'Bullshit,
come!' Bullshit entered and was told to do his stuff.

Bullshit immediately stole the cookies of the other two dogs,
auctioned the Taj Mahal replica to the other club members
for his fee, and went outside to play golf.


A bet's a bet

A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a
drink, and were watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was
shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.

The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump,
and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!" Anyway,
sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead
the $50 she owed.

The redhead said "I can't take this, you're my friend."
The blonde said "No. A bet's a bet". So the redhead
said "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the
5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money".

The blonde replied,
"well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"


definitely 100% certifiably ...dead

A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary
surgery. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet
pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the
bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook
his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has
passed away".

The distressed owner wailed, 'Are you sure? I mean you
haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might
just be in a coma or something?"

The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left
the room returning a few moments later with beautiful
black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in
amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the
dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at
the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet
patted the dog and took it out but returned a few
moments later with a cat! The cat jumped up and
also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird. The cat
sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of
the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry;
but like I said, your parrot is most definitely 100%
certifiably ...dead."

He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few
keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my bird is
dead?"

The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it the
bill would only have been $20, but... what with the
Lab Report and the Cat Scan.............."


"Memo from Santa"

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve the States of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas and Arkansas on Christmas Eve.

Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.

Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner, and Blitzen ..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty."

5. "Ho, Ho, Ho" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And, you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off!"

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

And Finally,

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

Sincerely yours,

Santa Claus


SANTA CLAUS - AS A COMPUTER GEEK SEES HIM

(If YOU think about things like this, then you really, REALLY need to get off the computer for awhile!)

1. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world, however since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the population reference bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.

2. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say, that for every Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000 of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purpose of our calculations). We are talking about 1.25 Km per household, a total of 120.8 million Km, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 1040 Km per second........3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 43.8 Km per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 25 Km per hour.

3. The pay load of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds, even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them......Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).

4. 600,000 tons traveling at 1040 Km per second creates enormous air resistance....this would heat up the lead reindeer in the same fashion as a space shuttle re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 1040 k p s in .001 seconds, would be subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500 G's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.

5. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.


"Why Americans Shouldn't Be Allowed To Travel"

The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:

1. I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

2. A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost information, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

3. I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Cape town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Cape town is in Africa." Her response was "click."

4. A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

5. I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said, "But they look so close on the map."

6. Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1 hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

7. A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20 AM and got into Chicago at 8:33 AM. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

8. A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?"
After putting her on hold for a minute while "I looked into it," (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained that the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

9. I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.

10. A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

11. A businessman called and had a question about the document she needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double-checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

12. A woman called to make reservations. "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have," replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"


"Between Pilots and the Control Tower"

The following are actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers from around the world:
==~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~=~~~~~=~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~==

While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxi way! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between Cs and Ds, but get it right!"

Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high.

Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

==~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~=~~~~~=~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~==

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."

==~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~=~~~~~=~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~==

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking Location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.

So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxi way and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 but it was dark and I didn't stop."

==~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~=~~~~~=~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~==

A Pan Am 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"


"The Elderly Wedding"

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter, "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? "

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please."


"Kids' Takes on It"

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So, why is the groom wearing black?"

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

A Sunday school teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a babysitter."

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?" The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad."


"Through the Eyes and Mouth of a Child"

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my five-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

On the first day of school, a first grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang, so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?, he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, Darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache next morning."

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn..... and into the hole he gooooes."

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out. "What have you got there, Dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear."


"The Kids' Take on Church"

* A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates. When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear: "Don't pay for me, Daddy, I'm under five."

* A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

* After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up." "That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?" "Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."

* A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service: "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."

* A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me." "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

* A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

* After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"

* Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. The flight to Egypt," said Kyle. "I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?" "Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot.

* The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook."

* A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell!" A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would open, and the character would plunge through. The play was well received.
When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend. One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled, "Hallelujah! Hell is full!"

* Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship service at First Baptist church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!' It worked."

* A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?" "Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago." "Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?" "Yes, indeed, Honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago." Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"


"Windows Messages"

The following are the new Windows messages that are under consideration for the next version.

1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

3. Press any key to continue, or any other key to quit.

4. Press any key except ... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!

5. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.

6. Close your eyes and press escape three times.

7. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

8. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

9. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"

10. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."

11. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."

12. BREAKFAST.SYS halted ... Cereal port not responding.

13. COFFEE.SYS missing ... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.

14. CONGRESS.SYS corrupted ... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)

15. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

16. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)

17. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

18. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

19. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL and PAPER.SYS)

20. User Error: Replace user.

21. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)

22. Welcome to Microsoft's World -- Your Mortgage is Past Due.

23. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.


In 1903 Here Are The Statistics For The U.S.

1. The average life expectancy in the US was forty-seven.

2. Only 14 percent of the homes in the US had a bathtub.

3. Only 8 percent of the homes in the US had a telephone and a 3 minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars

4. There were only 8000 cars in the US and only 144 miles of paved roads.

5. The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.

6. Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa and Tennessee each were more heavily populated than California.
California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.

7. More than 95 percent of all births in the US took place at home.

8. Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.

9. The average wage in the US was 22 cents per hour.

10. The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year.

Wow!! Have we come far in the last 100 Years!!


Teacher Aked Little Johnny

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers.

"Yes," he said, "I do. My father taught me."

"Good. What comes after three?"

"Four," answers the boy.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a fine job. What comes after ten?"

"A jack."


A Bank Is ....

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.


"Airline Talk"

*** On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

==~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~=~~~~~=~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~==

*** "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

==~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~=~~~~~=~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~==

*** As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

==~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~=~~~~~=~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~==

*** After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

==~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~=~~~~~=~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~==

*** From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

==~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~=~~~~~=~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~==

*** In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite, now.

==~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~=~~~~~=~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~==

*** Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

==~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~=~~~~~=~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~==

*** "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

==~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~=~~~~~=~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~==

*** "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children ... or other adults acting like children."

==~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~=~~~~~=~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~==

*** "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

==~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~=~~~~~=~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~==

*** And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

==~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~=~~~~~=~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~==

*** Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault ... it was the asphalt!"

==~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~=~~~~~=~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~==

*** Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

==~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~=~~~~~=~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~==

*** Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

==~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~=~~~~~=~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~==

*** An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

==~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~=~~~~~=~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~==

*** After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

==~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~=~~~~~=~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~==~~~~~==

*** Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."


Success

At age 4, success is............ not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success is...........having friends.
At age 20, success is...........having sex.
At age 35, success is...........making money.
At age 70, success is...........having sex.
At age 80, success is...........having friends.
At age 90, success is...........not peeing in your pants.


Stairway To Heaven

There is a blonde, a redhead and a brunette on the
stairway to heaven.

God says, 'There are 3,000 steps and I'll tell you a
joke on each 1,000th step you reach. If you laugh
you go to hell.'

So they start walking and reach to the first 1,000th step.
God tells a joke, the brunette laughs and goes to hell.

Then on the 2,000th step God tells a joke, the redhead
laughs and goes to hell.

On the 3,000th step God tells a joke, the blonde doesn't
laugh and proceeds to the gate.

Suddenly, she bursts out laughing. God asks, 'What are
you laughing about?', she replies, 'I just got the first joke!'.


a great writer

There was once a young man who, in his youth,
professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define great, he said, 'I want to write
stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people
will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will
make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!'

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.


Things You Would Never Know Without the Movies:

-It is always possible to park directly outside any
building you are visiting.
-A detective can only solve a case once he has been
suspended from duty.
-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone
you bump into will know all the steps.
-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to
the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
-Police Departments give their officers personality test
to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who
is their total opposite.
-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English
to each other. If they're villains, they'll speak with an English
accent.
-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip
in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with
a child trapped inside.
-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will
cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.
-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that
affects you personally at that precise moment you turn
the television on.
-Your car won't start everytime you are being chased by
a villain or monster.


Reasons Why The English Language Is Hard To Learn:

- We must polish the Polish furniture.
- He could lead if he would get the lead out.
- The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
- Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was
time to present the present.
- A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
- When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
- I did not object to the object.
- The bandage was wound around the wound.
- The farm was used to produce produce.
- The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
- The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
- There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
- They were too close to the door to close it.
- The buck does funny things when the does are present.
- A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
- To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
- The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
- After a number of injections my jaw got number.
- Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
- I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
- How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?


Which of you idiots ate the janitor?

Five cannibals get appointed as engineers in a defense company.
During the welcoming ceremony the boss says, 'You're all part
of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can
go to the cafeteria for something to eat. So please don't trouble
any of the other employees.' The cannibals promised.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says, 'You're all workin
very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one
of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you know what
happened to him?'

The cannibals all shake their heads no.

After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the
others, 'Which of you idiots ate the janitor?'

A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals
replies, 'You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team
Leaders, Supervisors and Project Managers and no one
noticed anything, and you have to go and eat the janitor!'


All males beware - all females be more considerate.

PLEASE READ THIS, IT'S IMPORTANT NEWS TO
ALL GUYS THAT GO CLUBS OR BARS AND DRINK.

Guys, be more alert and cautious when getting a
drink offer from a girl.

There is a new drug called beer, that is essentially in
liquid form. The drug is now being used by female
sexual predators at parties to convince their male victims
to have sex with them. The shocking statistic is that
beer is available virtually anywhere!

All girls have to do is buy a beer or two for almost
any guy and simply ask the guy home for no-strings
attached sex.

Men are literally rendered helpless against such attacks.

Please!  Forward this to everyone you know...


Cute Cat Story

Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about the pastor
of his church.

He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard
and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed,
offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not come down.
The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor
decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away
so that the tree bent down, he could then reach up and
get the kitten.

He did! All the while, checking his progress in the rear
view mirror frequently, he then figured if he went just a
little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for
him to reach the kitten.

But as he moved a little further forward, the rope broke.

The tree went 'boing!' and the kitten instantly sailed
through the air-out of sight.

The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood
asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody
had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, 'Lord, I just
commit this kitten to your keeping,' and went on about
his business.

A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met
one of his church members. He happened to look into
her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food.
This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so
he asked her, 'Why are you buying cat food when you
hate cats so much?'

She replied, 'You won't believe this,' and told him how
her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she
kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had
begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl,
'Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it.'

She told the pastor, 'I watched my child go out in the
yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And
really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with
my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of
the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed
right in front of her.'


can't wear regular glasses

Three blondes were witnesses to a crime, so they went
to the police station to identify the suspect.

The police chief said he would show them a mug shot
of someone for thirty seconds, then ask each one for a
description.

After showing the photo to the first blonde, he covered it,
then asked her how she would recognize the suspect.

'Easy,' she replied. ''He only has one eye.'

The chief was stunned. 'He only has one eye because
it is a profile shot! Think about it!'

He repeated the procedure for the second blonde and
again asked how she would recognize him. 'He only
has one ear,' was her answer.

'What is the matter with you people?!? It is a profile shot!
You are seeing him from the side!'

He repeated the procedure for the third blonde, then said,
'How would you recognize the suspect? Now think before
you give me a stupid answer.

'After viewing the photo, she thought for a minute, then said,

'He's wearing contact lenses.'

This took the chief by surprise. He looked! real hard at the
picture and couldn't tell if the suspect had contacts or not,
so he went into the database and looked at the report.
Sure enough, when the mug shot was taken, he was
wearing contact lenses!

He went back to her and asked, 'How could you tell he
was wearing contact lenses? Nobody else here in this
precinct saw that!'

'Well,' she said, 'he can't wear regular glasses with only
one eye and one ear, now, can he?'


brain transplant

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room,
where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. I'm
afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed
the worried faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one at
this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure,
semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.'

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.
After a great length of time, someone asked, 'Well, how
much does a brain cost?'

The Doctor quickly responded, '$25,000 for a male brain,
and $3,000 for a female brain.'

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to
smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some
actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity,
blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, 'Why is
the male brain so much more?'

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and said
to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure.
We have to mark down the price of the female brains,
because they've actually been used.'


in the waiting room of the hospital

I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, 'Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!'

The man replied, 'How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company.' The man then followed the nurse to his wife's room.

About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith's wife has just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, 'Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company.'

The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, 'I think I need a breath of fresh air.' The man continued, 'I work for 7-UP.'


a star appeared in the East

A mother and her daughter were at the gynecologist's office. The mother asked the doctor to examine her daughter. 'She has been having some strange symptoms and I'm worried about her,' the mother said.

The doctor examined the daughter carefully and then announced, 'Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant.'

The mother gasped, 'That's nonsense! Why, my little girl has nothing whatsoever to do with men.' She turned to the girl. 'You don't, do you, dear?'

'No, mumsy,' said the girl. 'Why, you know that I have never so much as kissed a man!' The doctor looked from mother to daughter, and back again. Then, silently he stood up and walked to the window, staring out.

He continued staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, 'Doctor, is there something wrong out there?'

'No, Madam,' said the doctor. 'It's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one was going to show up.'


Someone else must have shot

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. 'I've never been better!' he boasted. 'I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?'

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, 'Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.' The doctor continued, 'So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle.' 'And do you know what happened?' the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied 'No.'

The doctor continued, 'The bear dropped dead in front of him!'

'That's impossible!' exclaimed the old man. 'Someone else must have shot that bear.'

'That's kind of what I'm getting at...' replied the doctor.


"To be 6 again"

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her 40th birthday.

I'd love to be six again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow!

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.

Then, it was off to a movie - the latest Disney and what a fabulous adventure!

Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"

One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."

The moral of this story is:

When a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.


just one chair

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. She found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, '... and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.


A PERFECT SCAM

Police have been unable to recommend a prosecution for the following scam:

company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to supply imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem reasonable, people place orders and make payments via check.

After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they return their customers' money in the form of a company check.

However, due to the name of the company, few people will present these checks to their banks. The name of the company: 'The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company.'


Just two people

The population of this country is 237 million.
104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school,
which leave 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
This leaves 19 million to do the work.
4 million are in the Armed Forces,
which leaves 15 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14.8 million people who work for State
and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
There are 188,000 in hospitals,
so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons.

That leaves Just two people to do the work. You and me.

And you're just sitting there reading jokes all day!


don''t sell to blondes

A blonde went to an eletronic store and she asked, 'How much is this TV?'

The salesman said, 'Sorry, we don''t sell to blondes.'

The next day she came back as a brunette. She asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, 'Sorry, we don''t sell to blondes.'

The next day she came back as a red head and asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, 'Sorry we don''t sell to blondes.'

She replied, ' I came in here as a brunette and a red head. How do you know I am a blonde?'

'Because that is not a TV, it''s a microwave.'


everybody does it

A boy was at a public pool. The lifeguard blew his whistle at the boy and yelled, 'Hey! Don't pee in the pool!'

The boy replied, 'But everybody does it!'

'Not from the diving board!' shouted the lifeguard.


got caught

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.

'Hey, girls,' says the brunette, 'let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know.'

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does.

The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband in bed with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns home at her normal time.

'That was fun,' says the brunette. 'We should do it again sometime.'

'No way,' says the blonde. 'I almost got caught.'


room 8

A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, 'Religion?'

The man says, 'Methodist.'

St. Peter looks down his list, and says, 'Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8.'

Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. 'Religion?'

'Baptist.'

'Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8.'

A third man arrives at the gates. 'Religion?'

'Jewish.' 'Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8.'

The man says, 'I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?'

St. Peter tells him, 'Well the Catholics are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here.


in the other stall

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restrooms at a rest stop but, I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassedly: "Doin Just Fine!"

And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh I'm like you, just traveling east!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.

"Can I come over to your place after while?"

Ok, this question is just wacky but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation.

I tell him, "Well, I have company over so today is a bad day for me!"

Then I hear the guy say nervously...

"LISTEN, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!"


brother-in-law

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and went in for coronary surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed. 'Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine,' the nun said while patting his hand. 'We do have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?'

'No, I'm not,' the man whispered hoarsely.

'Can you pay in cash?'

'I'm afraid I can't, Sister.'

'Do you have any close relatives, then?'

'Just my sister in New Mexico,' the man replied, 'but she's a spinster nun.'

'Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith,' the nun replied. 'They are married to God.'

'Okay,' the man said with a smile, 'then please bill my brother-in-law then!'


look that old

Have you been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I cannot look that old? You may enjoy this short story....

While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.

'Yes,' he replied.

'When did you graduate?' I asked.

He answered, 'In 1971. Why?'

'You were in my class!' I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely and then asked, 'What did you teach?'


where his bike was

There were these two priests who rode bikes to church every Sunday. Well one day one of the priests showed up to work without his bike. The other priest asked where his bike was so the first priest said, 'I don't know, but I think it got stolen!'

The other priest said, 'Well what you do is read off the Ten Commandments, and when you get to 'Thou shall not steal' someone will confess to the crime.'

The next time the two saw each other the priest had his bicycle back. 'I see you got your bike back! Did you do what I said?' the one priest said.

The other said, 'Well kind of, when I was reading the commandments and I got to Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery, I seemed to remember where I had left it.'


the door

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, 'Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.'

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, ' No he didn't. He just walked in the door.'


let me get a picture

On their first night to be together, the newlywed couple go to get changed. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her beautiful robe. The proud husband says, 'My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe.'

The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished. 'Oh, oh, aaaahhh,' he exclaims, 'My word, you are so beautiful, let me take your picture.

Puzzled, she asks, 'My picture?'

He answers, 'Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever.'

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.

He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, 'Why do you wear a robe? We are married now.'

At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, 'Oh, oh, oh my, let me get a picture.'

He beams and asks, 'Why?'

She answers, 'So I can get it enlarged.'


a much better offer

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with an unusual offer. 'Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out.'

He passed the clergyman the cash and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the vicar looks the young man in the eye and says:

'Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?'

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, 'Yes.'

The groom leaned toward the vicar and hissed, 'I thought we had a deal?'

The vicar put the $100 into his hand and whispered back, 'She made me a much better offer.'


'mother of six'

A husband, so proud of the fact that his wife had given birth to 6 children, begins to call her 'mother of six' rather than by her first name. The wife, amused at first, chuckles.

A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of her husband's description. 'Mother of six,' he would say, 'Get me a beer!' 'Hey mother of six, what's for dinner tonight?'

This type of situation persisted to a boiling point.

Finally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly yelled out, 'Hey mother of six, I think it's time to go!'

The wife seized the moment and shouted back, 'I'll be right with you -- father of four!'


on safari

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone.

Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife cried, 'What are we going to do?'

'Nothing,' said the hunter husband. 'The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.'


impossible to please a woman

A group of girlfriends went on vacation and they see a
five-story hotel with a sign that reads 'For Women Only.'
Since they were without their boyfriends, they decide to
go in.

The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how
it works. 'We have 5 floors...  go up floor by floor, and once
you find what you are looking for, you can stay there.  It's
easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you what's
inside.  But once to go up to the next floor, you can't go back.'

So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads
'All the men here are horrible lovers, but they are sensitive
and kind.'  The friends laugh and without hesitation move
on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads 'All the men here are
wonderful lovers, but they generally treat women badly.'
This wasn't going to do, so the friends move up to the third
floor where the sign read 'All the men here are great lovers
and sensitive to the needs of women.'  This was good but
there were still two more floors.

On to the fourth floor, the sign was Perfect.   'All the men
here have perfect builds; are sensitive and attentive to
women; are perfect lovers; they are also single, rich and
straight.'

The women seemed pleased but they decide that they
would rather see what the fifth floor has to offer instead
of settling for the fourth.  When they reach the fifth floor,
the sign reads:

'There are no men here.  This floor was built only to prove
that it is impossible to please a woman.'


The wife's always asleep..!

This guy is really drunk and arrives home real late.
Trying to avoid the wrath of the missus he parks a
block away from his home. He takes off his shoes
as he walks up the stairs, being ever so careful not
to make any noise. Quietly, he opens the door and
tiptoes into the room.  Suddenly, KABOOM, he gets
an almighty wack on the back of his head with a frying
pan.

At the pub the following day he tells his story to one of
his mates who sadly shakes his head and says:

'Man, you are a numpty! Listen up...Here's how I do it.
When I get rip roarin drunk I go and borrow my buddie's
Harley and start screamin up and down the block a few
times, hootin and a hollerin. I then take the Harley right
up to the porch and start screamin and cussin. Then I
slam the door open and scream at the top of my voice -
'I'm the Man o this house and I want some bedroom lovin
right now!' ... And you know what's really amazing?
The wife's always asleep..!'


'How many children do you have?'

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid.
The office worker asked her, 'How many children do
you have?'

'Ten,' she replied.

'What are their names?' he asked.

'LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy,
LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy,' she answered.

'They're all named LeRoy?' he asked  'What if you want
them to come in from playing outside?'

'Oh, that's easy,' she said. 'I just call 'LeRoy,' and they
all come running in.'

'And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?'

'I just say, 'LeRoy, come eat your dinner',' she answered.

'But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?'
he asked.

'Oh, that's easy,' she said. 'I just use their last name!'


What do you think?

An elderly woman lived on a small farm in Canada,
just yards away from the North Dakota border.

Their land had been the subject of a minor
dispute between the United States and Canada
for years.

The widowed woman lived on the farm with her
son and three grandchildren.

One day, her son came into her room holding a
letter. 'I just got some news, Mom,' he said.
'The government has come to an agreement with the
people in North Dakota. They've decided that our
land is really part of the United States. We have
the right to approve or disapprove of the
agreement. What do you think?'

'What do I think?' his mother said. 'Sign it!
Call them right now and tell them we accept!
I don't think I can stand another Canadian winter!'


beady eyes and that dishonest face

A man was chosen for jury duty who very much wanted
to be dismissed from serving. He was trying every
excuse in the world trying to get out of it but none of
them worked.

On the day of the trial he decided to give it one more
shot. As the trial was about to begin he asked if he
could approach the bench.

'Your Honour,' he said, 'I must be excused from this
trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant.
I took just one look at the man in the Grey suit with
those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said,
'He's a crook! He's guilty, guilty, guilty. So your Honor,
I could not possibly stay on this jury!'

With a tired annoyance the judge replied, 'Get back
in the jury box. That man is his lawyer!'


tell me how a patient is doing

A sweet grandmother telephoned Mount Sinai Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said "I'll be glad to help, Dear. What's the name and room number?"

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Holly Finkel in room 302."

The Operator replied, "Let me check. Oh, good news. Her records say that Holly is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."

The Grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Holly your daughter?"

The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Holly Finkel in 302. Dr. Cohen doesn't tell me shit."


dressed up like the Fire Chief

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning.

Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife 'sleepily' sat up and said, "Honey, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said. Feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the pharmacist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"

"Yeah, sure. So?" said the officer.

"Well, what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?"


just PEANUTS

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.

For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.

As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts" And the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, "Down Nuts". And they all sat back down in their seats. After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts". They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts!!!" and they all started booing and cat calling.

Thinking things were going very well. The doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, the doctor asked," What in the world happened?"

The assistant replied, "Well, everything was going just fine till a vendor passed by and yelled PEANUTS!"


When Abe Lincoln was your age .....

Little Johnny's father noticed that Johnny was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort to motivate Little Johnny into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, his father said, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

Little Johnny replied, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."


a defective parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this Parrot?

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the  price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for , just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers  and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"Oh No!," he exclaims. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down."

"WELL," demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got an erection and fell off my perch!"


What if Microsoft produced cars?

" For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo ( COMDEX ), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, 'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

  1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
  2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
  3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.
  4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
  5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would only run on only five percent of the roads.
  6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation ' warning light.
  7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.
  8. Occasionally, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you: simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
  9. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
  10. You'd have to press the ' Start button ' to turn the engine off. "

some cyanide

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist
she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist said, 'Why
in the world do you need cyanide?' The lady then
explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, 'Lord have
mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband!
That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in jail
and I'll lose my license.'

Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out
a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's
wife and handed it to him. The pharmacist looked at
it and replied, 'Well now, you didn't tell me you had
a prescription.'


Paying For It

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some
distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on
back roads some distance from town.

Abruptly, the girl stopped the boy dead in his tracks.
'I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm
actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.'

The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After the obligatory cigarette, the boy sat in the driver's
seat, staring out the window. 'Why aren't we going
anywhere?' asked the girl. 'Well, I should have
mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver,
and the fare back to town is $25.'


THE CORRECTIONAL FACILITY

David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.

For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking, and screaming - then suddenly there was quiet. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and action and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior."

David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued,

"May I ask what the chicken did?"


The LAPD, the FBI, and the CIA

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.

The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!


"A True Southerner"

Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption, and that you don't "HAVE" them but "PITCH" them.

Only a true Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, pok salad, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc. make up "a mess."

Only a true Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."

Only a true Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is - as in: "Goin' to town, be back directly."

Even true Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl on the middle of the table.

All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. We might not use the term, but we know the concept well.

Only a true Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. (If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, we also know to add a large banana puddin'!)

Only true Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right fur piece." We also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.

Only a true Southerner both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

A true Southerner knows that "fixin'" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

Only true Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't do "queues," we do "lines." And when we're "in line," we talk to everybody!

Put 100 true Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.

True Southerners never refer to one person as "ya'll."

True Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

Every true Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that redeye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food. We also know it is perfectly acceptable to have a glass of buttermilk with cornbread crumbled in it for lunch, breakfast, or dinner!

When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin' ...," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it - we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.

And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her little ol' pea-pickin' heart" and go your own way.


"Show and Tell"

A grammar school teacher from Miami remembers this Oscar worthy birth tableau from one of her students:

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and experience a little public speaking. And it gives me a break and some guaranteed entertainment.

Usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them.

If they want to lug it to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very out-going kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.

First, Mommy and Daddy made him as a symbol of their love, and then Daddy put a seed in my mother's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had a video camera rolling. The kids are watching her in amazement.

"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my mother starts going, 'Oh, oh, OH!'"

Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, "Oh, oh, OH!'" Now the kid's doing this hysterical duck walk, holding her back and groaning.

"My father called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my mother to lie down in bed like this." Erica lies down with her back against the wall.

"And then, pop! My mother had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!"

The kid has her legs spread and with her little hands is miming water flowing away. It was too much!

"Then the middle wife starts going push, push, and breathe, breathe. They start counting, but they never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff they said was from the play-center, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there."

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.

I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder - just in case another Erica comes along.


Political humor

Once upon a time, God was missing for six days. Eventually,
Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God. "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed
downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what
I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said,
"What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm
going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of
balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained,
pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern
America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth,
while southern America is going to be poor. Over there I've
placed a continent of white people, and over there is a
continent of black people." "Balance in all things," God
continued pointing to different countries.

"This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very
cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to
a land mass and said, "What's that one?"

Ah," said God "That's Washington State, the most glorious
place on earth. There are beautiful streams, hills, and forests.
The people from Washington State are going to be handsome,
modest, intelligent and humorous, and they are going to be
found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable,
hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known
throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed,
"What about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "There is another Washington..............
wait til you see the idiots I put there."

New Language

The EEC has announced an agreement whereby English will be
the official language of the EU rather than German which was
the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations Her Majesty's Government conceded
that English spelling had some room for improvement and has
accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as
Euro-English.

In the first year "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly this will
make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard"c" will be propped in favour of the "k". This will klear
up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publick enthusiasm in the sekond year
when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will
make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter. In the third year,
publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to
reach the stage where more komplikated changes are
possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double
letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the
language is disgaseful, and the should go away.

By the forth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as
replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year,
ze unesesary "o" kan be proped from vords kontaining "ou"
and similar changes vud of kors be aplied to ozer kombinations
of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and everivun vil find it ezi
to understand ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen ve vil kak over ze vorld.

HOW TO CLEAN THE HOUSE

1. Open a new file in your PC.

2  Name it " Housework "

3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN

4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN

5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete
    Housework permanently?"

6. Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly....

7. Feel better?

How to Avoid the FLU

-- Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and
    veggies.-
-- Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin c.
-- Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your
    immune system.
-- Walk for at least hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs
    instead of the elevator, etc.
-- Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a bottle
    of antibacterial stuff around. -
-- Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible.
-- Get plenty of rest
-- Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.


OR,

You can take the doctors office approach. Think about it, when
you go for a shot, what do they do first? Clean your arm with
alcohol. Why? Because alcohol kills germs.

So...... I walk to the liquor store ( exercise ),
I put lime in my Corona ( fruit ), celery in my Bloody Mary ( veggies ),
drink on the bar patio ( fresh air ), get drunk,
tell jokes, and laugh ( eliminate stress ) and then pass out ( rest ).

The way I see it, if you keep your alcohol levels up
flu germs can't get you!!!!

a sign from God!

A woman and a man got into a really bad car accident.
Both cars are wreck, but luckily no one was hurt.
After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said,
'Wow, just look at our cars! They are destroyed.
Fortunately, we aren't hurt. This must be a sign from
God that we should meet and be friends and live together
in peace for the rest of our days.'

The man replied, 'I agree with you completely.
This must be a sign from God! '

The woman continued,
'And look at this, here's another miracle.... My car is
completely ruined but this bottle of wine didn't break.
It's a sign that God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate
our good fortune.' Then she handed the bottle to the man.

The man agreed, opened the bottle and drank half, and then
handed it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on,
and handed it back to the man.

The man asked, 'Aren't you having any?'

The woman replied, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police.


Some Chinese Proverbs to live by...

# Man who run in front of car get tired.
# Man who run behind car get exhausted.
# Man with one chopstick go hungry.
# Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
# Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
# War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
# Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
# Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
# Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
# Man who fart in church sit in own pew.


show you what it feels like ...

The wife is busy frying eggs, when her husband comes home.

He walks into the kitchen and immediately starts yelling:
'CAREFUL!!! CAREFUL!!! MORE OIL!!! TURN THEM!!!
TURN THEM NOW!!! WE NEED MORE OIL!!! THEY
ARE GOING TO STICK!!! CAREFUL!!! CAREFUL!!!
TURN THEM!!!  TURN THEM!!! HURRY UP!!! ARE
YOU CRAZY!!!! THE OIL IS GOING TO SPILL!!! USE
MORE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!!'

The wife is very upset: 'What the hell is wrong with you?
Why are you yelling like this? Do you think I don't know
how to fry an egg?'

The husband calmly replies: 'This is to show you what
it feels like, when I am driving and you sit next to me...'


what's so funny?

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were walking
along the beach. A seagull flies over and craps all
over the blonde.

The brunette say's in a disgusted voice, 'Hang on
the bathroom is just up the hill, I'll go get some
toilet paper.'

After she leaves the blonde begins to laugh.

The redhead say's, 'what's so funny?'

The blonde say's, 'Well, blondes are supposed to
be so dumb but look at her. By the time she gets
back with that toilet paper that seagull will be
miles away!'


intelligent conversation

A woman goes into her lawyers office requesting a divorce.

He is taking all of her background information and asks her, 'Do you have grounds for a divorce?'

To which she replies, 'Well, we have three acres.'

'No, ma'am. What I mean is, does he beat you up?' asks the attorney.

'No, I get up around 6:30 and he sleeps until 7:00,' she responds.

Feeling a little frustrated the attorney asks, 'Lady, tell me, do you have a grudge?'

Looking very confident she states, 'No, we have a carport.'

At this point the lawyer has lost his patience and asks, 'Look, Lady, why do you want a divorce?'

'Because he can't hold an intelligent conversation!'


boasting about father

A boy was boasting about his father to a classmate.

'My dad is an engineer. He can do everything. Do you know the Alps?'

'Yes,' said his classmate.

'My dad built it!'

Then the other kid spoke: 'And do you know the Dead Sea?'

'Yes.'

'It was my dad who killed it!'


make the BEAR a Christian

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!," he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically, and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well", said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. Then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke. "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful. Amen."


offering a drink

This guy staggers into a bar and shouts, 'A double whisky please barman, and a drink for everyone here. and while you're at it, have one yourself.'

'Well thank you sir,' says the barman and proceeds to pour everyone their drinks.

Moments later the guy shouts, 'Another whisky for me, and the same again for everyone else.'

The bartender looks a little worried now and says, 'Excuse me sir, but don't you think you should pay me for that last round first?'

The guy slurs, 'I can't. I don't have any money.' With this the bartender flies into a rage and literally throws the guy out of the bar.

About twenty minutes later though the guy staggers back in and shouts out, 'A double whisky for me, and a drink for all my friends.'

'I suppose you'll be offering me a drink too?' the barman asks sarcastically, marvelling at the guy's nerve.

'Not likely,' slurs the guy, 'you get nasty when you've had a drink!'


They dug underground

German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nation-wide telephone network.

Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nation-wide fiber optic network.

American scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing...

They then concluded that the native americans 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.


Ouch

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, 'Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?'

The doctor answered, 'Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain.'

'I know, but can't you give me some idea?' she asks.

'Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little...'

'Like this?'

'A little more...'

'Like this?'

'No. A little more...'

'Like this?'

'Yes. Does that hurt?'

'A little bit.'

'Now stretch it over your head!'


the difference

Q.: What's the difference between a sanitary napkin and a bra?

A.: With sanitary napkin, there isn't even if there is! While with bra, there is even if there isn't.


right and wrong

Two lawyers hired a secretary from a small town in the hills. She was attractive, but it was obvious that she knew nothing about city life.

One attorney said to the other, 'Mary is so young and pretty she might be taken advantage of by some of those fast-talking city guys. Why don't we teach her what's right and what's wrong?'

'Great idea,' said the partner. 'You teach her what's right and I'll teach her what's wrong!'


damn checking account

A crusty looking old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, 'I want to open a damn checking account.'

To which the astonished woman replies, 'I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?'

'Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!'

'I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank.'

With that the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation. They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, 'What seems to be the problem here?'

'There's no damn problem', the man says, 'I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!'

'I see', says the manager, 'and this bitch is giving you a hard time?'


standing here all alone?

A blonde began a job as an elementary school counsellor, and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a boy standing by himself on the side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer.

She approached and asked if he was alright. The boy said he was.

A little while later however, she noticed the boy was in the same spot, still by himself. Approaching again, the blonde said, 'Would you like me to be your friend?'

The boy hesitated, then said, 'Okay', looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, she then asked, 'Why are you standing here all alone? Why don't you go and join those boys playing soccer over there?'

'Because,' the little boy said with great exasperation, 'I'm the goalie!'


only one seat

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, 'Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat.'

The man groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became impatient. 'Sir,' the usher said, 'if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager.'

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly. 'All right buddy, what's your name?'

'Sam,' the man moaned.

'Where ya from, Sam?' the cop asked.

'The balcony.'


the neighbor's pet rabbit

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics.

He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping that they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, 'Did you hear that Fluffy died?'

The guy stumbles around and says, 'Um.. no.. um.. what happened?'

The neighbor replies, We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage.


MEMORIAL

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."

"Good morning Pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor McGhee, what is this?" Alex asked.

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the men and women who have died in the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which one, the 9:00 or the 10:30 service?"


Silver Arrow

A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry.

During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her that he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, the teacher went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one.

As she lifted one up by the armpits, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well-endowed for an elementary school child. 'I guess you must be in the fifth,' she said.

'No ma'am,' he replied, 'I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow.'


'green side up!'

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her decorating job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out 'green side up!'

In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled 'green side up!'

The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing.

In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled 'green side up!'

The lady then asked him, 'Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?'

'I'm sorry,' came the reply. 'But I have a crew of blondes laying a lawn across the street.


lucky saucer

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store.

He does a double take, as he notices that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable. He walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

The store owner replies, 'I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.'

The collector says, 'Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat.'

And the owner says 'Sold,' and hands over the cat.

The collector continues, 'Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me having to get a dish.'

And the owner says, 'Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats.'


the Golden Saloon

A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. 'Where the hell have you been all night?' she demands.

'At this fantastic new bar,' he says. 'The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!'

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.

'Is this the Golden Saloon?' she asks when the bartender answers the phone.

' Yes it is,' bartender answers.

' Do you have huge golden doors?'

' Sure do.' 'Do you have golden floors?'

' Most certainly do.'

' What about golden urinals?'

There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, 'Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!'


just what you did

Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town all week and said, 'Mommy, guess what? Yesterday, I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady from next door. They undressed and got into bed and then Daddy got on top of her and ....'

The mother held up her hand and said, 'Not another word! Wait until your father gets home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me.'

The father came home and the wife tells him that she's leaving him. 'But why?' croaked the husband.

'Go ahead, Johnny. Tell Daddy what you've just told me.'

'Well,' said little Johnny, 'I was playing in your closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and Daddy got on top of her and they did just what you did, Mommy, with Uncle Bob.'


the Lord called to Adam

After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, 'It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her.'

Adam answered, 'Yes Lord, but what is a kiss?' So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush.

A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, 'Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable.'

And the Lord replied, 'Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve.'

And Adam said, ' 'What is a 'caress'? So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.

Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, ''Lord, that was even better than the kiss.'

And the Lord said, ''You've done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve.'

And Adam asked, 'What is 'make love' Lord?' So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.

And Adam said, 'Lord, what is a 'headache'?'


condom factory has exploded!

President Putin called President Bush with an emergency:

'Our largest condom factory has exploded!' the Russian President cried; 'My people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!'

'Mr. President, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you.', replied Bush.

'I do need your help,' said Putin. 'Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tie us over?'

'Why certainly! I'll get right on it!', said Bush.

'Oh, and one more small favor, please?', said Putin.

'Yes?', replied the President.

'Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10' long and 4' in diameter?' said Putin.

'No problem,' replied the President and, with that, Bush hung up and called the President of Trojan Condoms. 'I need a favour, you've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia.'

'Consider it done,' said the President of Trojan.

'Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10' long and 4' wide.'

'Easily done. Anything else?'

'Yeah,' said the President, 'Print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one.'


very serious looking policeman

Two cars were waiting at a stoplight. The light turned green, but the man didn't notice it. A woman in the car behind him is watching traffic pass around them. The woman begins pounding on her steering wheel and yelling at the man to move. The man doesn't move.

The woman is going ballistic inside her car, ranting and raving at the man, pounding on her steering wheel and dash. The light turns yellow and the woman begins to blow the car horn, flips him off, and screams profanity and curses at the man.

The man, looks up, sees the yellow light and accelerates through the intersection just as the light turns red.

The woman is beside herself, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection. As she is still in mid-rant she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the barrel of a gun held by a very serious looking policeman.

The policeman tells her to shut off her car while keeping both hands in sight. She complies, speechless at what is happening. After she shuts off the engine, the policeman orders her to exit her car with her hands up. She gets out of the car and he orders her to turn and place her hands on her car then handcuffs her and takes her to the police station where she is fingerprinted, photographed, searched, booked and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door for her. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the original officer is waiting with her personal effects and says, "I'm really sorry for this mistake. But you see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the "Choose Life" license plate holder, the "What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the "Follow Me to Sunday School" bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."


a blonde joke

A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's fair - given that you are blind - that you know five things:

#1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.

#2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.

#3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

#4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.

#5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."


'You don't know much do you?'

A city slicker stopped his large, expensive car on a country
road and looked about in confusion. He noticed a young farm
hand leaning on a fence and called to him, 'Hey, you know
how far it is to Shrewsbury?'

The farm hand thought about it and said, 'Don't know.'

'Well then, do you know the best way to get there?'

Again, the farm hand thought a bit and said, 'Don't know.'

'Look, can you just tell me where the nearest gas station
is so I can pick up a map?'

'''Fraid I don't know that either.'

Frustrated, the man in the car snapped, 'You don't know
much do you?'

To which the farm hand replied, 'I'm not the one who's lost!'


LITTLE BILLY ON...PHILOSOPHY

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a
fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'

She calls on little BILLY.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first
gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'Billy, the correct answer is 4,
but I like your thinking!'

Then little BILLY says, 'I have a question for YOU. There
are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:  One
is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, 'Well, I suppose
the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little BILLY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one
with the wedding ring on', but I  like your thinking!'


Truths About Parenting

~ Insanity is inherited; you get it from your kids.

~ It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will
  come when they'll know as little as their parents.

~ Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the
  kids in touch.

~ Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have
  given birth.

~ Summer vacation is a time when parents realize
  that teachers are grossly underpaid.

~ The first sign of maturity is the discovery that
  the volume knob also turns to the left.

~ There are three ways to get things done:
   1) do it yourself
   2) hire someone to do it
   3) forbid your kids to do it


test to find out

A man goes to his doctor and says, 'I don't think my wife's
hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?'

The doctor replies, 'Try this test to find out for sure. When
your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet
behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond
keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you.'

The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner.
He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, 'What's for
dinner, honey?' He gets no response, so he moves to
ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response,
so he moves to five feet. Again, no answer. Finally he
stands directly behind her and says, 'Honey, what's
for dinner?'

She screams, 'For the fourth time, I said chicken, you deaf!'


a real good look

A man and wife were taking a shower when the doorbell rang.

The wife says, 'I'll get it' and wraps a towel around her. She
opens the door and sees that it's their nextdoor neighbor.
The neighbor notices that she's in her towel and says,
You look real fine! I'll give you $500 right now if you'll open
your towel and let me get a good look at that beautiful
body of yours.'

She says, '$500? Right now?' He says, 'Yeah right now.'

She agrees and opens her towel and lets him get a real
good look. He hands her the $500 and goes back home.

She gets back in the shower and her husband asks who
was at the door and she says that it was their nextdoor
neighbor. He said, 'Cool! Did he pay you the 500 bucks
he owed me?'


mom's thoughts

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal,
his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's
roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a
relationship between John and his roommate and this
only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the
two interact, she started to wonder if there was more
between John and the roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered,
'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,
Julie and I are just roommates.'

About a week later, Julie came to John and said,
'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been
unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?' Julie said.

'Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure.'

So he sat down and wrote: 'Dear Mother, I'm not saying
you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not
saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact
remains that one has been missing ever since you
were here for dinner.'

Several days later, John received a letter from his
mother which read: Dear Son, I'm not saying that
you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that
you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains
that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would
have found the gravy ladle under her pillow by now.
Love, Mom.


Do you know what I'm doing?

A beautiful woman goes to the gynecologist. The
doctor takes one look at the woman and all of his
professionalism goes out the window. He immediately
asks her to undress. After she has disrobed, the
doctor begins stroking her thigh.

Do you know what I'm doing?' he asks.

'Yes,' she replies. 'You're checking for any abrasions
or abnormalities.'

'That's right,' says the doctor. Emboldened, he then
begins to fondle her breasts. 'Do you know what I'm
doing now?'

'You're checking for any lumps or breast cancer,'
she replies.

'Correct,' says the doctor. Deciding to go for broke,
he mounts her and begins making love with her. 'Do
you know what I'm doing now?'

'Yes,' she says. 'You're getting herpes- which is
why I came here in the first place.'


DON'T MOVE!

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out
for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver.
He motioned for her to pull over.

When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece
of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side
of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde, 'Stand
in that circle and DON'T MOVE!'.

He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.

When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face,
so he said, 'Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!'

He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every
window in her car.

When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face.

He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and
slices all her tires.

Now she's laughing.

The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back
to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car
and sets it on fire.

He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is
about to fall down.

'What's so funny?' the truck driver asked the blonde.

She replied, 'Every time you weren't looking, I stepped
outside the circle!!'


Mommy i have to interview you

One day a boy named Joe was at school. For his homework
he had to interview a family member. He decided to
interview his mother.

He came home and said 'Mommy i have to interview you
for school.' She said okay and lets him proceed to ask
her questions.

The first question was how much do you weigh. The
response was ladies don't tell their weight.

He said 'okay' and asked 'how old are you?' His mother
said, 'Ladies don't tell their age.' She said, 'You can
ask me one more question.'

He said, 'Mommy why did your marriage fail?' She
replied, 'That is none of your business, go interview
some around the neighborhood. 'I have to get some
things done.

'The next day.....Joe comes home and says, ' Mommy
i got an A+ on my homework.'

She says 'Really. Who did you interview?'

Joe replies, 'You.' 'Last night when you were sleeping,
i went through your wallet and got your driver's license.
You are 43, 160 pounds, and the reason your marriage
failed was because you got an F in sex.'


Timbuktu

Two groups of students had been deadlocked in a spelling
bee contest for an entire week. At the end of the contest
the score was tied and the judges had a dilemma. They
told the contestants that each group was to quickly come
up with a poem using the word 'Timbuktu.'

One student of the 1st group stood up and for his group
and recited 'Through the desert all night we ride on camels
walking two by two, Destination Timbuktu.'

Well, the crowd politely applauded - they knew the 2nd group
couldn't beat that.

A student from the 2nd group stand up and read the team's
effort. He said, 'Tim and I, a hunting went, we came upon
three women in a tent. Since they were three and we were
two, I buk one and Timbuktu!'


one hole behind

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw
a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said 'Can
you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on.'

She told him 'You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7;
you're on 6.'He thanked her and continued playing golf.

On the back nine he got lost again.

He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of
embarrassed. 'I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm
lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on.'

She told him 'You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14;
you are on 13.' Again he thanked her and continued
playing golf.

When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He
went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink
for helping him out. She accepted. As they were
drinking and talking he asked her what she did for
a living. 'I'm in sales.'

He replied 'no kidding so am I. What do you sell?'

She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he
kept pleading to know what she sold she said
she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised.

She said, 'I sell tampons'.

He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.

She said, 'You promised you wouldn't laugh'.

He replied 'I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell
toilet paper. I'm still one hole behind you.'


WHAT NOT TO SAY TO A POLICE OFFICER!

--I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
--Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep
up with me. Good job!
--I thought you had to be in relatively good physical
condition to be a police officer.
--You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
--Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave
me a warning,too!
--Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just
so one of us does.
--I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there
are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me
they are.
--When the Officer says 'Gee Son.... Your eyes look red,
have you been drinking?' You probably shouldn't respond
with,'Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been
eating doughnuts?'


MURPHY'S LAW ON COMBAT

-- Friendly fire - isn't.
-- Recoilless rifles - aren't.
-- If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
-- Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
-- If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.
-- Five second fuses always burn three seconds.
-- The easy way is always mined.
-- Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
-- When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.
-- No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
-- No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
-- If the enemy is within range, so are you.
-- Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
-- The one item you need is always in short supply.
-- Interchangeable parts aren't.
-- The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
-- Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
-- No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.
-- Every command which can be misunderstood, will be.
-- There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.


a blonde joke

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds
his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting
there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you
wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep,
husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you
tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair -given that you
are blind - that you should know five things:

1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 220lb blonde woman with a black
belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a
professional weight lifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional
wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna
tell that joke?

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head,
and declares, 'Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it
five times.'


play through

Two guys trying to get in a quick eighteen holes,
but there are two terrible lady golfers in front of
them hitting the ball everywhere but where it's
supposed to go.

The first guy says, 'Why don't you go over and
ask if we can play through?'

The second guy gets about halfway there and
comes back.

The first guy says, 'What's wrong?'

He says, 'One of them is my wife, and the other
one is my mistress.'

The first guy says, 'That could be a problem.
I'll go over.'

He gets about halfway there and comes back.

The second guy says, 'What's wrong?'

The first guy says, 'It's really a small world...'


African Roulette

The Ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit
Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the
Russian Ambassador. For three days, the African Ambassador
was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best
hospitality that Russia had to offer.

On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said,
'As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to
play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the
six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder,
point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger.'

This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of
a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable.
Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.

<click> <click>

Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a
sigh of relief. The African ambassador was much impressed
with the courageous game, and thought hard about the subject
before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country
the next year.

When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the
Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his
stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the
African ambassador spoke, 'Now it is time for you to sample
our game, African roulette.' So saying, he led the Russian
into the room, the only occupants of which were six
beautiful, naked women.

The African ambassador said, 'These women are the most
beautiful members of each of our tribes. Any one of them
will give you oral sex - take your pick'.

The Russian was not entirely adverse to this idea, but he
couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He
said 'Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part?
Where's the danger?'

With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador
answered, 'One of them is a cannibal'


Why did the chicken cross the road?...

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the
chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if
the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The
chicken is either with us or it is against us. There
is no middle ground here.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act
of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping
50 tons of nerve gas on that chicken.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent,
hardworking American.

RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT
chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could
you define chicken, please?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken. I invented the road.
Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented
the application of these two different functions of
government in a new, reinvented way designed to
bring greater services to the American people.

RALPH NADER: The chicken's habitat on the original
side of the road had been polluted by unchecked
industrialist greed.

RUSH LIMBAUGH: I don't know why the chicken crossed
the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to
cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already
forming a support group to help chickens with
crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this?

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay!
Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth
in front of your face? The chicken was going to the
'other side.' That's what they call it - the other side.
Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat
that chicken, you will become gay too.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. Alone.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken
crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken
crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

CAPTAIN KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has
gone before.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the
road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?


God is Watching...

The children were lined up for lunch in the cafeteria
of a Catholic school. At the head of the table sat a
large bowl of apples, to which the Sister had attached
the following note: 'Take only one, God is watching.'

At the other end of the table was a large platter of
chocolate chip cookies to which one clever young
boy had attached this note: 'Take all you want.
God is only watching the apples.'


pleasure from sex

An old man went to the doctor. He said, 'Doctor, I was
wondering if you could help me. My wife and I are not
getting the same amount of pleasure from sex that we
used to.'

The doctor looked at the wrinkled old man in surprise,
and said, 'Can I ask you how old you are, sir?'. 'I'm 92.',
said the old man.

'92!', exclaimed the doctor, 'How old is your wife?'.

'She's 87.', was the reply.

The doctor was astonished by this, and said, 'So let
me make sure that I understand this right. You are 92,
and your wife is 87 and you are worried that you don't
get as much pleasure from sex as you used to?'.

'That is correct.' said the old man, 'What can you do to help me?'.

'Well,' said the doctor, 'when did you first notice this problem?'.

The old man looked thoughtful, 'I noticed it first last night,
but then twice this morning.'


WHAT MOM TAUGHT US

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished
cleaning!'

My mother taught me RELIGION:
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the
middle of next week!'

My mother taught me LOGIC:
'Because I said so, that's why.'

My mother taught me FORESIGHT:
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're
in an accident.'

My mother taught me IRONY:
'Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about.'

My mother taught me about STAMINA:
'You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished.'

My mother taught me about WEATHER:
'It looks as if a cyclone swept through your room.'

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:
'If I've told you once, I've told you a million times -
don't exaggerate!'

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

My mother taught me about ENVY:
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world
who don't have wonderful parents like you do!'


'Where is my father'?

The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate
Computer Company's production line. At which point the
guided tour eventually arrived. The salesman stepped
forward to give his prepared demo.

'This', he said, 'is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an
intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it'.

At which Clever Johnny stepped forward - there is always
one - and spoke into the Ultimate Computer's microphone.
'Where is my father'? he asked.

There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that
the manufacturers always use to impress lay people,
and then a little card popped out.

On it were printed the words 'Fishing off Florida'.

Clever Johnny laughed. 'Actually', he said, 'my father is dead'!
It had been a trick question!!

The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast
on his feet, immediately replied that he was sorry the
answer was unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise,
perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again?

Clever Johnny thought, went to the Ultimate Computer
and this time said, 'Where is my mother's husband'?

Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights.

And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the
words: 'Dead. But your father is still fishing off Florida.'


Worst Golfer Ever

One day, John Smith decided to go to a new golf
course where no one knew him, just to get away
and see if he could do better elsewhere.

He hired a caddy to guide him around the course.
After another day of slices, duff shots, misread
putts and bad temper, he was obviously upset. He
turned to the caddy and said, 'You know I must be
the worst golfer in the world.'

The caddy replied, 'I think not sir, I have heard
there is a guy named John Smith from across town
who is the worst player ever!'


what's ...

These four guys were walking down the street,
a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a
New Yorker.

A reporter comes running up and says,
'Excuse me, what is your opinion about the
meat shortage?'

The Saudi says, 'Excuse me, what's a shortage?'

The Russian says, 'Excuse me, what's meat?'

The North Korean says, 'Excuse me, what's an opinion?'

The New Yorker, says, 'Excuse me? What's excuse me?


hide

There once was a Blonde, a Brunette, and a Red head.
They were all running from the FBI. They ran and ran
and ran. They saw this barn, they ran in. Then they
saw 3 burlap sacks and hide in them.

The FBI guys entered the barn, and seeing the sacks
kicked the first one which the brunette was in.
'Meow meow' says the bag.

'Oh its just some cats' says the man. He does to the
next sack that the red head was in.

'Bark, Ruff!' comes from within the sack.

'Oh, its just a bunch of dogs!' he says.

Then he goes to the last sack that the blonde was in,
and before he could kick, she said 'Potatoes!'


for lunch

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blond guy were doing
construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor
of a building. They were eating lunch and the
Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get
corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch
I'm going to jump off this building.'

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed,
'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time
I'm going to jump off, too.'

The blond guy opened his lunch and said, 'Bologna
again. If I get bologna sandwiches one more time
I'm jumping too.'

The next day the Irishman opens his lunch box,
sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death.
The Mexican opens his lunch, sees burritos and jumps,
too. The blond opens his lunch, sees the bologna
sandwich and jumps to his death as well.

At the funeral the Irishman's wife is weeping.
She says, 'If I'd known how really tired he was
of corned beef and cabbage I never would have
given it to him again!

The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, 'I could
have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't
realize he hated burritos so much.'

Everyone turned and stared at the blond's wife.

'Hey, don't look at me,' she said. 'He makes
his own lunch!'


Secrets for a Happy Life in Men

1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.
---
2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.
---
3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.
---
4. It is important that these three women never meet.


Management Principles:

When blue collar workers go out together on a
weekend they talk about football.

When middle management are together, they
talk about tennis.

Top management discusses golf.

Conclusion: The higher up you are in management,
the smaller your balls.


a new cellphone

A young man wanted to get his beautiful 'blonde' wife
something nice for their first wedding anniversary.
So he decides to buy her a cellphone.

She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows
her and explains to her all the features on the phone.
The next day the blonde goes shopping.

Her phone rings and it's her husband, 'Hi hun',
he says 'how do you like your new phone?'

She replies: 'I just love, it's so small and your voice
is clear as a bell! But there's one thing I don't
understand though.'

'What's that, baby?' asks the husband.

'How did you know I'm at Wal-Mart?'


The Pepsi Argument

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court,
but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge
that since she had brought the children into this world,
she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children. The judge
asked for his side of the story, too.

After a long moment of silence, the man rose from the
chair and replied: 'Judge, when I put a dollar into a
vending machine, and a Pepsi comes out, does the
Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?'

Don't laugh -- the man won!

Monkey stuff

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders
a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey is running
wild. The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs
the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender is livid and says to the guy, 'Did you se
  what your monkey just did?'

'No. What did that idiot do this time?' says the patron.

'Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table,
whole' says the bartender.

'Yeah, well I hope it kills him because he's been driving
me nuts' says the patron.

The guy finishes his drink and leaves.

One week later he comes back with the monkey. He
orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild
around the bar again. While the man is drinking his
drink, the monkey finds some peanuts on the bar.
He grabs one, sticks it up his ass, then pulls it out
and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

'Did you see what your monkey did now?' he asks.

'What now?' responds the patron. 'Well, he stuck a
peanut up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it'
says the bartender.

'Well, what do you expect?' replied the patron. 'Ever
since he ate that cue ball he now measures
everything first!'

the dachshund

A wealthy old lady decided to go on a photo safari
in Africa. She took her faithful pet dachshund along
for company. One day, the Dachshund starts chasing
butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers
that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading
rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of
having him for lunch.

The dachshund thinks, 'OK, I'm in deep trouble now!
Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by,
and immediately settles down to chew on the bones
with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund
exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard.
I wonder if there are any more around here.' Hearing
this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a
look of terror comes over him, and he slinks away
into the trees.

'Whew,' says the leopard. 'That was close. That
dachshund nearly had me.'

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the
whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put
this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection
from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard
with great speed, and figured that something must
be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard,
spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with
the leopard.

The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says,
'Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going
to happen to that conniving canine.'

Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the
monkey on his back, and thinks, 'What am I going to
do now?' But instead of running, the dog sits down
with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't
seen them yet...and just when they get close enough
to hear, the dachshund says...

'Where's that bloody monkey? I sent him off half an
hour ago to bring me another leopard!'


woman's face

A married couple was in a terrible accident where
the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor
told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin
from her body because she was too skinny. So
the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor
felt was suitable would have to come from his
buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they
would tell no one about where the skin came from,
and requested that the doctor also honor their secret.
After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was
astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked
more beautiful than she ever had before! All her
friends and relatives just went agog about her
youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and
she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.
She said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for
everything you did for me. There is no way I could
ever repay you.'

'My darling,' he replied, 'I get all the thanks I need
every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.


lost wallet

Morris was having a good time and was invited
to a party, unfortunately, during the evening, he
lost his wallet. So Morris, not being of the shy
kind, stood on a chair and shouted, 'Excuse
me ladies and gentlemen, I've just lost my
wallet with over $1,500 in cash in it. To the
person that finds my wallet, I will give $150.'

A voice from the back of the hall shouted,
I will give $175!'


Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, 
sensitive man?

A: A rumor

The Lipstick Cure...

A certain private school in Beverly Hills was faced with
a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were
eginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the
bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their
lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving
dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance
man would remove them and the next day, the girls
would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be
done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met
them there with the maintenance man. She explained
that all these lip prints were causing a major problem
for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every
night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to
clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man
to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in
the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the
mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators...

Annoying Alien

An alien and a man were sitting next to each other
in a bar. The alien was constantly poking the guy's
cheek and saying, 'zzzt!' Finally, the guy got so
mad at the alien that he said, 'If you do that one
more time, I'll chop yours off!''

Again, the alien poked his cheek and said, 'zzzt!'

The guy said, 'Okay, that's it!' He got up, grabbed
the sharpest knife he could find, and pulled down
the alien's pants. But he was astounded to see
nothing there.

He then said, 'Well, if you don't have anything there,
how do you have sex?'

The alien just smiled, poked the guy's cheek,
and said 'zzzt!'

Corruption

At the height of a political corruption trial, the
prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. 'Isn't
it true,' he bellowed, 'that you accepted five
thousand dollars to compromise this case?'

The witness stared out the window, as though
he hadn't hear the question.

'Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand
dollars to compromise this case?' the lawyer
repeated loudly.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said,
'Sir, please answer the question.'

'Oh,' the startled witness said,
'I thought he was talking to you.'

Better Be Careful!

These are actual warnings given on various products:

1. On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS
PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists -
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE
ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY
FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

5. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT
NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer -
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW
THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM
TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

7. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles
OPEN OTHER END.

8. On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

9. On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER!
NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.

10. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE
REGULAR SOAP.

11. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom
of the box)- DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.

12. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING KEEP
OUT OF CHILDREN.

13. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights -
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.

Back To Life

A funeral service is being held for a woman who
has just passed away. At the end of the service
the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when
they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the
casket.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket
and find that the woman is actually alive! She
lives for ten more years, and then finally dies.
A ceremony is again held at the same place,
and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers
are again carrying out the casket. As they are
walking, the husband cries out,

'Watch the wall!'

Why Men Can't Win...

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay,
it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay,
you should get off your butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her,
you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you,
she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy,
that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore

The Empty Jar

The doctor handed his 75-year-old patient a jar and
ordered him to bring back a sample so he could do
a sperm count. The next day old man returned to
the doctor with an empty jar.

'What's this?' the doctor asked.

'Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand-
but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand-still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. First she tried with her
right hand-nothing. Then she tried with her left hand-nothing.
Finally we called the lady next door and she tried with
both hands and her mouth too - and still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked. 'Your neighbor?'

'Yep. No matter how hard we tried, we just
couldn't get that damned jar open!'

a letter on the wall

A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees
a letter on the wall over the bed. With the worst
premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling
you that I eloped with my new boyfriend. I found
real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercings
and tattoos and his big motorcycle.

But is not only that Mum, I'm pregnant and Ahmed
said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the
woods. He wants to have many more children with
me and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that
marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing
it for us and his friends, who are providing us with
all the cocaine and ecstasy we may want.

In the meantime, we'll pray for the science to find
the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves
it. Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know
how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit for you
to know your grandchildren. Your daughter, Judith.

P.S.: Mum, it's not true. I'm at the neighbour's house.
I just wanted to show you that there are worse things
in life than my report card that's in the desk drawer.


Tell The Difference

Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls.
Less than a year later, he was in court filing for
a divorce.

'OK,' the judge said, 'Tell the court why you want
  divorce.'

'Well, your honor,' Dan started, 'Every once in a
while my sister in law would come over for a visit,
and because she and my wife are so identical
looking, every once in a while I`d end up making
love to her by mistake.'

'Surely there must be some difference between
the two women.' the judge said.

'You`d better believe there is a difference, your honor.
That`s why I want the divorce.' he replied.

Set It Free

If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.

If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.

If it just sits in your room, messes up your stuff,
eats your food, uses your phone, takes your
money, and never behaves as if you actually
set it free in the first place, you either married it
or gave birth to it.

Who is God?

A little kid asks his father, 'Daddy, is God a man
or a woman?'

'Both son. God is both.'

After a while the kid comes again and asks,
'Daddy, is God black or white?'

'Both son, both.'

The child returns a few minutes later and says,
'Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?'

Holy Water

One morning a man came into the church on crutches.
He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both
legs, and then threw away his crutches.

An altar boy witnessed the scene and then ran into
the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.

'Son, you've just witnessed a miracle,' the priest said.
'Tell me where is this man now?'

'Flat on his back over by the holy water,' said the boy.

Wedding Anniversary

Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding
anniversary and Sam says to Becky 'So, Becky,
I was wondering... Have you ever cheated on me?'
Becky replies, 'Oh Sam, why would you ask such
a question now? You don't want to ask that question...'

'Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please...'

'Well, all right, 3 times...'

'3, hmmm, well when were they?'

'Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old
and you really wanted to start the business on your
own and no bank would give you a loan...
Remember, then one day the bank president himself
came over the house and signed the loan papers,
no questions asked... Well...'

'Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you
even more than ever, to do such a thing for me....
So when was number 2?'

'Well, Sam, remember when you had that last
heart attack and you were needing that very
tricky operation, and no surgeon wanted to
touch you... Then remember how Dr. DeBakey
came all the way up here to do the surgery
himself and then you were in good shape again...
Well....'

'Oh my God!! Becky, you should do such a thing
for me, to save my life... I couldn't have a more
wonderful wife... To do such a thing, , you must
really love me darling... I couldn't be more moved...
So, all right then, when was number 3?'

'Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you
really wanted to be president of the congregation....
And you were 47 votes short....'

The Carpenter's Son

One day Jesus was out for a walk, strolling near the
walls surrounding heaven, when he heard an old
man's voice call from the other side.

'Hello? Hello?'

Jesus replied, 'Who is it?'

'Just a poor, old carpenter searching for his son,'
the old man replied.

Jesus' heart leapt with joy and he called out,
'Joseph?'

The voice answered back, 'Pinocchio, Is that you?'

too far

A young couple is out carousing one evening. While
driving down the highway the guy says to the girl,
'If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?'

She agrees and he begins to speedup.When the
speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she
gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her
that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl
is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes
and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. 'Go get
help.', he pleads.

She replies, 'I can't, I'm naked.'

He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and
says 'Cover yours with that and go get help.'

She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to
the gas station down the road. When she arrives
she is frantic and yells to the attendant, 'HELP!
HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!'

The attendant looks down at the shoe covering
her crotch and replies, 'I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in.'


Saying the Right Thing

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover.
He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first
thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glas
  of water on the side table. He sits down and sees
his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
Marty looks around the room and sees that it is
in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of
the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a
note on the table.

'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to
go shopping. Love you.'

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there
is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating Marty asks,
'Son, what happened last night?'

His son says, 'Well, you came home after 3 A.M.,
drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked
in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when
you stumbled into the door.'

Confused, Marty asks, 'So, why is everything in order
and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting
for me?'

His son replies, 'Oh that! Mom dragged you to the
bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off,
you said, 'Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!'

King Solomon's Wisdom

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging
between them a young man in a three-piece suit. 'This
young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter,' said the
first one.

'No! He agreed to marry MY daughter,' said the other.

And so they haggled before the King until he called
for silence.

'Bring me my biggest sword,' said Solomon, 'and I
shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you
shall receive a half.'

'Sounds good to me,' said the first woman.

But the other woman said, 'Oh Sire, do not spill
innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter
marry him.'

The wise King did not hesitate a moment. 'The
attorney must marry the first lady's daughter,'
he proclaimed.

'But she was willing to hew him in two!' exclaimed
the King's court.

'Indeed,' said wise King Solomon. 'That shows
she is the TRUE mother-in-law.'

The light was red

Two blondes were out driving in a large car. As they
were cruising along, they came to an intersection.
The light was red but they just went on through.

The blonde in the passenger seat thought to herself,
'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went
through a red light.'

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection,
the light was red, and again they went right through. This
time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had
been red, but was also concerned that she might be
seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided
to pay very close attention.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was
definitely red and they blew right through it. She turned
to the other woman and said, 'Hey, Did you know that
you ran through three red lights in a row? You could
have killed us.'

The other one turned to her and said, 'Oh my gosh!,
Am I the one driving?'


The Pirate

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said,
'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened?
You look terrible.'

'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.'

'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that
before.'

'Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon
ball, but I'm fine now.'

'Well, ok, but what about that hook? 'What happened
to your hand?'

'We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got
into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted
with a hook. I'm fine, really.'

'What about that eye patch?'

'Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds
flew over. I looked up and one of them S*#t in
my eye.'

'You're kidding,' said the bartender, 'you couldn't lose
an eye just from some bird S*%t.'

'It was my first day with the hook.'

Deep thoughts

* There are two kinds of pedestrians...
the quick and the dead.

* Kids in the back seat cause accidents;
accidents in the back seat cause kids.

* It's not the pace of life that concerns me,
it's the sudden stop at the end.

* Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.

* Is there another word for synonym?

* If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

* If FED EX and UPS were to merge, would they call it FED UP?

making faces

Finding one of her students making faces at others
on the playground, Ms.Smith stopped to gently
reprove the child.

Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said,
Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made
ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.'

Johnny looked up, stared at the teacher's face and
replied, 'Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't
warned.'


GI Insurance

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center,
where he advised new recruits about their government
benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that
Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-
rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits
he advised.

Rather than asking him about this, the Captain stood
at the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales
pitch.

Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the
new recruits, and then said, 'If you are killed in a
battle and have a GI Insurance, the government
has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if
you don't have a GI insurance and get killed in the
battle, the government only has to pay a maximum
of $6000 only.'

'Now,' he concluded, 'which group do YOU think
they are going to send into battle first?'

A Kiss is...

Prof of Economics : Kiss is that thing for which the
demand is always higher than the supply.

Prof. of Accountancy : Kiss is a credit because it is
profitable when returned.

Prof. of Algebra : Kiss is infinity because two divided
by nothing.

Prof. of Geometry : Kiss is the shortest distance
between two lips.

Prof. of Physics : Kiss is the contraction of mouth
due to the expansion of the heart.

Prof. of Chemistry : Kiss is the reaction of the
interaction between two hearts.

Prof. of Zoology : Kiss is the interchange of
salivary bacteria.

Prof. of Physiology : Kiss is the juxtaposition of
two orbicularisoris muscles in the state of contraction.

Prof. of Dentistry : Kiss is infectious and antiseptic.

Prof. of Statistics : Kiss is an event whose probability
depends on the vital statistics of 36-24-36.

Prof. of Philosophy : Kiss is the persecution for the child,
ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.

Prof. of English : Kiss is a noun that is used as a
conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is
spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.

Prof. of Civil : Kiss is a process which builds a
solid bond between the two dynamic objects

Prof. of Comp.Science : What is a kiss? It seems
to be an undefined variable.

Women's Bumper-Stickers
-----------------------
IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN,
I AIN'T GOING.

PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE
WITH PRINCES, SEEKS FROG.

COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN...SOME THINGS ARE
JUST BETTER RICH.

DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU
WOULD THE QUEEN.

IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN
THE KITCHEN.

DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM
GOES OFF.

GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO, BUT LIKE...
WHO CARES?

NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES.

WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW
HOW TO USE IT.

OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT
THE FIRST TIME.

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT,
SO PLEASE SHUT UP.

ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.

I'M ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN
TO GOOD PEOPLE.

HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?

SORRY IF I LOOKED INTERESTED. I'M NOT.

IF WE ARE WHAT WE EAT, I'M FAST, CHEAP
AND EASY.

DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF
PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.

The Lawyer And the Blonde

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on
a long flight from LA to NY.The lawyer leans over to her
and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The
blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines
and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The
lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy
and a lot of fun.

He explains' I ask you a question, and if you don't know
the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa.'

Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, 'Okay, if you
don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know
the answer that you'll ask me, I will pay you $500!.'
Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win
the match.

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that
there will be no end to this torment unless she plays,
agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance
from the earth to the moon?' The blonde doesn't say a
word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill
and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer:
'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down
with four?'

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes
out his laptop computer and searches all his references.
He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches
the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he
sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows.
All to no avail. Afterover an hour, he wakes the blonde
and hands her $500.

The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to
get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes
the blonde and asks, 'Well, so what IS the answer!?'
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse,
hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

10 Ways To Tell You've Been Online Too Long

1. Someone at work tells you a joke and you say 'LOL'.
2. You have called out someone's screen name while
making love to your significant other.
3. You no longer type with proper capitalization, punctuation,
or complete sentences.
4. You begin to say      'hehhehheh'insteadoflaughing.
5. You know more about your AOL friends' daily routines
than you do your own spouse.
6. Your buddy list has over 100 people on it.
7. You wake up in the morning and the first thing you do
is get online before you have your first cup of coffee.
8. You want to be buried with your computer when it dies
or vice versa.
9. You dream in 'text'.
10. You double click your TV remote.

presents for their teacher

On the last day of kindergarten, the children brought
presents for their teacher.

The florist's son gave her a box. She shook it, held it up,
and said, 'I bet I know what it is. Is it flowers?'

'That's right!' said the boy.

Then the candy store owner's son gave her his
package. She shook it, held it up, and said, 'I bet
I know what it is. Is it a box of candy?'

'That's right!' said the boy.

Next the liquor store owner's son handed her his box.

She shook it, held it up, and noticed that it was
leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and
tasted it. 'I bet I know what it is. Is it wine?'

'No,' said the boy.

She touched another drop to her tongue.
'Is it Champagne?'

'No,' said the boy.

'I give up. What is it?'

The boy grinned. 'A puppy!'


Strong Pill

Doc, you've gotta help me... my wife just isn't interested
in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I
can give her?'

'Look, I can't prescribe...'

'Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen
me this upset? I am desperate! You've got to help me.'

The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small
bottle of pills. 'Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are
experimental, the tests so far indicate that they're VERY
powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand?

'Um... okay.'

Our hero expresses gratitude, and departs for home,
where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished,
she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. Our hero, in
fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops
one into his wife's coffee. He reflects for a moment,
hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he
begins to worry.       Thedoctordidsaytheywerepowerful.
Then an inspiration strikes: he drops one pill into his
own coffee.

His wife returns with the shortcake, and they enjoy their
dessert and coffee, our hero with poorly concealed
anticipation. Sure enough, a few minutes after they
finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily,
and a strange smoky look enters her eyes. In a deep,
throaty, near-whisper, in a tone of voice he has never
heard her use before, she says, 'I... need...a man...'

His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies,
'Me... too..'

a dent

A blonde got a dent in her car and took it in to
the repair shop. The repairman, noticing that
the woman was a blonde, decided to have a
wee bit of fun. So he told her all she had to do
was take it home and blow in the tailpipe until
the dent popped itself out.

After 15 minutes of this, the blonde's blonde
friend came over and asked what she was doing.
'I'm trying to pop out this dent, but it's not really
working.'

'Duh. You have to roll up the windows first!'


Haircut

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day.
The priest tried to pay for the haircut but the
barber refused saying, 'I cannot accept money
from you, for you are a good man - you do God's work.'

The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles
at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and
again the barber refused payment saying, 'I cannot
accept money from you, for you are a good man -
you protect the public.'

The next morning the barber found a dozen
doughnuts at the door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and
again the barber refused payment saying, 'I
cannot accept money from you, for you are
a good man - you serve the justice system.'

The next morning the barber found a dozen
more lawyers waiting for a haircut.

And you wonder why some people were undecided
until they got to the voting booth???


----------------------------------------------------------

I used to work in technical support for a 24x7 call center.
One day I got a call from an Individual who asked what
hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number
you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He
responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to
end the call quickly, I said, "Uh ... Pacific."

... And then he voted.

----------

So my colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria,
when we overheard one of the admin assistants talking about
the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She
drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get
sunburned because the car was moving fast."

... And then she voted.

----------

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases
were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought two
cases. The cashier multiplied two times 10% and gave us a 20%
discount.

... And then he voted.

----------

I was hanging out with a Liberal friend of mine when we saw a
woman walk by us with a nose ring attached to an earring by a
chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she
turned her head?" I had to explain to her that a person's nose
and ear! remain the same distance apart no matter which way
the head is turned."

... And then she voted.

----------

My girlfriend and I were picking up some sandwiches from
the sub place last week and she asked the clerk which one
of two sandwiches was better. The clerk didn't have an opinion
but did say that the first sandwich was more expensive.

My girlfriend got a quizzical look on her face and asked, "If
that's the case, why are they both listed with the same price
on the menu?"

To this, the clerk responded, "I don't think they tax the turkey."

... And then he voted.

----------

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I
went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that
my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to
worry because they were trained professionals and I was in
good hands.

"Now," She asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"

... And then she voted.

AN  ALTERNATIVE RETIREMENT  HOME

There will be no nursing home in my future......... When I get
old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The
average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day.  I have checked
with the reservations office at Princess and I can get a long term
discount and senior discount price of $135 per day.  That leaves
$65 a day for:

1.   Gratuities, which will only be $10 per day.
2.   I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the
restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have
breakfast in bed every day of the week).
3.   Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout
room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.
4.   They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and
shampoo.
5.   They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient.  An
extra $10 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to
help you.
6.   I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.
7.   TV broken?  Light bulb need changing?  Need to have the
mattress replaced?  No Problem!  They will fix everything and
apologize for your inconvenience.
8.   Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have
to ask for them.
9.   If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on
Medicare.  If you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they
will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

Now hold on for the best!  Do you want to see South America,
the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or
name where you want to go? Princess will have a ship ready
to go.  So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore
to ship.

P.S.   And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over
the side at no charge.

TEN MINUTES LATE

There are three golfers, (Bob, Max, and Ted) who are looking
for a fourth.

Bob mentions that his friend George is a pretty good golfer,
so they decide to invite him for the following Saturday.

"Sure, I'd love to play," says George, "but I may be about
ten minutes late, so wait for me."

Saturday rolls around. Bob, Max, and Ted arrive promptly
at 9:00, and find George already waiting for them. He plays
right-handed, and beats them all. Quite pleased with their
new fourth, they ask him if he'd like to play again the
following Saturday.

"Yeah, sounds great," says George. "But I may be about
ten minutes late, so wait for me."

The following Saturday, again, all four golfers show up on
time, but this time George plays left-handed, and beats them
all. As they're getting ready to leave, George says, "See
you next Saturday. But I may be about ten minutes late,
so wait for m! e."

Every week from now on, George is right on time and plays
great with whichever hand he decides to use. And every week,
he departs with the same message.

After a couple months, Ted is pretty tired of this routine, so
he says, "Wait a minute, George. Every week you say you
may be about ten minutes late, but you're right on time.
You beat us either left-handed or right-handed. What's the
story?"

"Well," George says, "I'm kind of superstitious. When I get
up in the morning, I look at my wife. If she's sleeping on
her left side, I play left-handed, and if she's sleeping on her
right side, I play right-handed."

"So what do you do if she's sleeping on her back?" Bob asks.

"Then I'm about ten minutes late," George answers.

Résumé Bloopers.

Yes, these are all real résumé bloopers.

QUALIFICATIONS:

  * Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.
  * Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
  * Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.
  * I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
  * I am loyal to my employer at all costs ... Please feel free to
    respond to my resume on my office voice mail.

EXPERIENCE:

  * Note: Please dont miscontrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping.
   I have never quit a job.

EDUCATION:

  * Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
  * Finished eighth in my class of ten.

SPECIAL SKILLS:

  * I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.
  * Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:

* Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
* Responsibility makes me nervous.
* They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning.
   I couldn't work under those demanding conditions.
* Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as
   cockroaches.
* They made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous jobs.

SPECIAL REQUESTS and JOB OBJECTIVES:

* Please call me after 5:30. I am self-employed and my employer
  does not know I am looking for another job.
* My goal is to be a meteorologist. Since I have no training in
  meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
* I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant.

PERSONAL INTERESTS:

* Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.
* Marital status: often. Children: various.
* Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved.
  No commitments.

REFERENCES:

* References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.

GOTCHA!

A golf pro dragged himself into the clubhouse looking as though
he'd just escaped a tornado.

"What's wrong?" a woman asked.

"I just lost a game to Houlihan," the pro said.

"What? But Houlihan's the worst player I've ever seen. How
could he have beaten you?"

"He tricked me," the pro said. "On the first tee, he asked for
a handicap. I told him he could have 30, 40, 50 strokes - any
handicap he wanted. He said, 'Just give me two gotchas.'"

"What's a gotcha?" asked the woman.

"That's what I wanted to know," the pro said. "Houlihan said,
'You'll see.' Then, as I was teeing off, just as I had my club
poised, he screamed out 'Gotcha!'"

"I can guess what happened," the woman said.

"Sure," the pro said. "The scream threw me off, and I
missed the ball completely."

"Understandable," the woman said. "But still, that's only one
swing. How did he win the game?"

The pro answered, "You try swinging at a golf ball all day
while waiting for that second 'gotcha!'"

Obstetrician Visit

Catherine, pregnant with her first child, paid a visit to her
obstetrician's office.

After the exam, she shyly began, "My husband wants me
to ask you..."

"I know, I know," the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand
on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine
until late in the pregnancy."

"No, that's not it," Catherine confessed. "He wants to know
if I can still mow the lawn."

The Atheist

A college professor, an avowed Atheist, was teaching his class.
He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated he
was going to prove there was no God. Addressing the ceiling
he shouted: "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me
off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"

The lecture room fell silent. You could have heard a pin fall.
Ten minutes went by. Again he taunted God, saying, "Here
I am, God. I'm still waiting."

His countdown got down to the last couple of minutes when
a Marine - just released from active duty and newly registered
in the class - walked up to the professor, hit him full force in
the face, and sent him tumbling from his lofty platform. The
professor was out cold! At first, the students were shocked
and babbled in confusion. The young Marine took a seat in
the front row and sat silent.

The class fell silent... waiting.

Eventually, the professor came to, shaken. He looked at the
young Marine in the front row. When the professor regained
his senses and could speak he asked: "What's the matter
with you? Why did you do that?"

"God was busy. He sent me."

THESE USEFUL QUOTES WERE REPORTEDLY TAKEN FROM
ACTUAL FEDERAL EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS:


1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock
     bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but
     more of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered
     like a rat in a trap."

5. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

6. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails
     to achieve them."

7. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

8. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts,
     the better."

9. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary
     ignoramus."

10. "He would argue with a signpost."

11. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

12. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

13. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored,
      he's the other one."

14. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

15. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

16. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

17. "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

18. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

19. "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperms."

20. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

Elephant Stew (How to Feed A Crowd)

* 1 Elephant (medium)

* Brown Gravy (Watkins Beef Soup and Gravy Base)

* Watkins Sea Salt and Watkins Pepper

* Fifty Rabbits (optional)

Procedure:

Cut elephant into small bite sized pieces. This should take only
about two months. Add enough gravy to cover. Cook over
kerosene fire for about four weeks at 465 degrees. Makes about
3,800 servings. To extend it add rabbits, but do this only if
necessary as most people do not like to find hare in their stew.

Chucklers

Did I read that sign right?
TOILET OUT OF ORDER..... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL
YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY
PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND
STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC.
WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT,
THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE,
BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR
- THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn send this to
someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle).

Doctor Stories

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to
have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed
out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take
off her underwear.  Suddenly I noticed that there were
several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.

-----------------------------

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told
a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial
infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her
reporting to the rest of the family that he had died
of a "massive internal fart."

-----------------------------

I was performing a complete physical, including the
visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet
from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye
with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly.
Now your left."  Again, a flawless read. Now both,"
I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even
read the large E on the top line. I turned and
discovered that he had done exactly what I had
asked; he was standing there with both his eyes
covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

-----------------------------

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with
his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he
was having trouble with one of his medications.

Which one?"  I asked. The patch. The nurse told me to
put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running
out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and
discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man
had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions
did not include removal of the old patch before applying
a new one.

-----------------------------

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, So, how's
your breakfast this morning?"  It's very good, except for
the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,"
the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and
the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."


The Worst Age

'Sixty is the worst age to be,' said the 60-year-old.
'You always feel like you have to pee. And most
of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing
comes out!'

'Ah, that's nothin',' said the 70-year-old. 'When
you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You
take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day
and nothin' comes out!'

'Actually,' said the 80-year-old, '80 is the worst
age of all!'

'Do you have trouble peeing too?' asked the 60
year-old.

'No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00.
No problem at all.'

'Do you have trouble crapping?' asked the
70-year-old.

'No, I crap every morning at 6:30.'

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said,
'Let me get this straight. You pee every morning
at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30? So
what's so tough about being 80?'

'I don't wake up until 7:00!'

WOMEN'S T-shirts

A WASHINGTON POST columnist runs a column each
summer listing interesting WOMEN'S T-shirts observed
at the Ocean City, Maryland beach.

1.  I CHILDPROOFED MY HOUSE, BUT THEY STILL GET IN.
2. (On the front) 60 IS NOT OLD. (On the back) IF YOU'RE
A  TREE.
3.  I'M STILL HOT .. IT JUST COMES IN FLASHES.
4.  AT MY AGE, 'GETTING LUCKY' MEANS FINDING
MY CAR IN THE PARKING LOT.
5. MY REALITY CHECK JUST BOUNCED.
6. LIFE IS SHORT. MAKE FUN OF IT.
7. I'M NOT 50. I'M $49.95 PLUS TAX.
8. ANNAPOLIS--A DRINKING TOWN WITH A SAILOR
PROBLEM.
9. I NEED SOMEBODY BAD... ARE YOU BAD?
10. PHYSICALLY PFFFFFT!
11. BUCKLE UP. IT MAKES IT HARDER FOR THE
ALIENS TO SNATCH YOU FROM YOUR CAR.
12. I'M NOT A SNOB. I'M JUST BETTER THAN YOU ARE.
13.  IT'S MY CAT'S WORLD. I'M JUST HERE TO OPEN CANS.
14.  EARTH IS THE INSANE ASYLUM OF THE UNIVERSE.
15.  KEEP STARING....I MAY DO A TRICK.
16.  WE GOT RID OF THE KIDS. THE CAT WAS ALLERGIC.
17. DANGEROUSLY UNDER-MEDICATED.
18. MY MIND WORKS LIKE LIGHTNING. ONE BRILLIANT
FLASH AND IT'S GONE.
19. EVERY TIME I HEAR THE DIRTY WORD 'EXERCISE,'
I WASH MY MOUTH OUT WITH CHOCOLATE.
20. CATS REGARD PEOPLE AS WARM-BLOODED FURNITURE.
21. LIVE YOUR LIFE SO THAT WHEN YOU DIE, THE
PREACHER WILL NOT HAVE TO TELL LIES AT YOUR FUNERAL.
22. IN GOD WE TRUST. ALL OTHERS WE POLYGRAPH.


The Marketer And The Programmer

A Marketer and a Programmer are sitting next to each other on a
long flight from LA to NY. The Programmer leans over to the Marketer
and asks if he would like to play a fun game. 

The Marketer just wants to sleep, so he politely declines and rolls
over to the window to catch a few winks. The Programmer persists and
explains that the game is really easy and a whole fun. He explains
"I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me
$5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll
pay you $5." 

Again, the Marketer politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The
Programmer, now somewhat agitated, and confident of his ability, says,
"OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know
the answer, I'll pay you $50!" 

This catches the Marketer's attention, and he sees no end to this
torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. 

The Programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the
earth to the moon?" The Marketer doesn't say a word, but reaches into
his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Programmer.

Now, it's the Marketer's turn. He asks the Programmer "What goes up a
hill with three legs, and comes down on four?" The Programmer looks up
at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches
all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and
searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends
e-mail to his co-workers -- all to no avail. 

After about an hour, he wakes the Marketer and hands him $50. The
Marketer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to
sleep. The Programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the Marketer
and asks "Well, so what's the answer?" 

Without a word, the Marketer reaches into his wallet, hands the
Programmer $5, then turns away to get back to sleep.

telemarketers

Comebacks for telemarketers who bother you at home at
inopportune times:

- Tell them you're under house arrest and ask if they could bring
you a case of beer and some chips.
- After they have introduced themselves cry out in surprise and
ask them how they have been. This will set them back a few moments
while they try to figure out where you know each other from.
- Ask them to speak very slowly as you are busy writing down
every word they say.
- Tell the telemarketer that you are busy at the moment but if
they'll leave you their home phone number you'll call them back.


talking frog

A programmer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to
him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog
spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The programmer
took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the
pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess,
I'll stay with you and do anything you want." Again the programmer took
the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful
princess that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why
won't you kiss me?" The programmer said, "Look, I'm a programmer. I
don't have time for a girlfriend -- but a talking frog, now that's cool.".


Why I fired my secretary...

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling
too good that morning. I went down to breakfast knowin
my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday dear!',
.... and probably have a present for me.

As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let
alone happy birthday.

I thought, well, that's wives for you,...... the children will
remember. The children came in to breakfast and didn't
say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling
pretty low and despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said,
'Good morning, Boss, Happy Birthday.'       And I felt
a little better that someone had remembered. I worked
until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said,
'You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's
your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me.'

I said, 'By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard
all day. Let's go!'  We went to lunch.

We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went
out to a private little place. We had two martinis and
enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the
office, she said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day.
We don't need to go back to the office, do we?' I said,
'No, I guess not.' She said, 'Let's go to my apartment.'

After arriving at her apartment she said, 'Boss, if you
don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into
something more comfortable.' 'Sure!' I excitedly replied.

She went into the bedroom and,... in about six minutes,
she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... followed
by my wife,...and children, and dozens of our friends,...
all singing Happy Birthday......

And I just sat there . . .
on the couch . . .

naked.

sheer lingerie

A husband walks into Fredrick's of Hollywood to purchase
some sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown several
possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the
more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the most
sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs,
put it on and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks,
'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing.
I won't put it on, do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow
and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, 'Good Lord! You'd think that for $500,
they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the shot.

Funeral services are pending.


other people's business

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter
of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into
other people's business.

Several residents were unappreciative of her activities,
but feared her tongue enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George,
a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his
pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one
afternoon. She commented to George and others that
everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment
and just walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny,
he said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in
front of Mildred's house............and left it there all night.


Why We Are So Tired

The population of this country (USA) is 237 million.

104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to
do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48
million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the Federal
Government. That leaves 19 million to do the work.

Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves
15 million to do the work.

Take from that the 14,800,000 who work for State and
Local Governments and we are left with 200,000 to do
the work.

There are 188,000 ill and in hospitals, so we now have
12,000 to do the work.

Now there are 11,998 people in prisons so there are
just two people left to do the work, YOU and ME.

AND YOU ARE JUST SITTING THERE READING
THIS STUPID JOKE!

Corporate Lingo

COMPETITIVE SALARY
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM
We have no time to train you.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

DUTIES WILL VARY
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL
We have no quality control.

APPLY IN PERSON
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position
has been filled.

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a
legal formality.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY
OF EXPERIENCE
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager,
without the pay or respect.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS
Management communicates, you listen, figure ou
  what they want and do it.

Translation and Advertisement

* The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign
"Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was
soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you
lactating?"

* Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it
was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."

* Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the
following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."

* Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany
only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had
use for the "Manure Stick."

* When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the
same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they
learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of
what's inside, since many people can't read.

* Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a
notorious porno magazine.

* An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish
market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I Saw the Pope" (el Papa),
the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).

* Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into
"Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.

* Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender
chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken
affectionate."

* When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class
seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally,
which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish.

* Hunt-Wesson introduced Big John products in French Canada as
Gros Jos. Later they found out that in slang it means "big breasts".

* Bank Caixa Econômica Federal in Brazil offered in an advertisment
"HOT MONEY" (in english), obviously unaware of the fact that hot money means
  "Stolen Money" in normal slang.

* The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning
"Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the
dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent
"kokou kole", translating into "happiness in the mouth."

* When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were
supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you. "The
company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass,
so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant"

smoke rings

The boy is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
The girl gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover:
"Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet,
smoking is injurious to health!"
The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't
worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."


Chalk Mark

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for
fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company
loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.

Several years later, the company contacted him
regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were
having with one of their multi-million dollar machines.
They had tried everything and everyone to get the
machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they
called on the retired engineer who had solved so many
of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent
a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the
day, he marked a small 'x' in chalk on a particular
component of the machine and proudly stated, 'This
is where your problem is.'

The part was replaced and the machine worked
perfectly again. The company received a bill for
$50,000 from the engineer for his services. They
demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded:

One chalk mark . . . . . . . . . . . . . $1
Knowing where to put it . . . . . . . $49,999

Barber Shop

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks,
'How long before I can get a haircut?' The barber
looks around the shop and says, 'About 2 hours.'

The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in
the door and asks, 'How long before I can get a
haircut?' The barber looks around at the shop full
of customers and says, 'About 3 hours.'

The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the
shop and asks, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looks around the shop and says, 'About
an hour and a half.'

The guy leaves.

The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over
at a friend in the shop and says, 'Hey, Bill. Follow
that guy and see where he goes.'

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop,
laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, 'Bill, where did he go when he left here?'

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, 'Your house!'

Rejected Hallmark Cards

'Congratulations on your wedding day!...
-- Too bad no one likes your wife.'

'How could two people as beautiful as you....
-- have such an ugly baby?'

'I've always wanted to have someone to hold,
someone to love...
-- After having met you, I've changed my mind.'

'I must admit, you brought Religion in my life...
-- I never believed in Hell until I met you.'

'As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
-- that you're not here to ruin it for me.'

'Thanks for being a part of my life!!!...
-- I never knew what evil was before this!'

'Before you go,...
I would like you to take this knife out of my back.
-- You'll probably need it again.'

'Someday I hope to get married...
-- but not to you.'

'You look great for your age...
-- Almost Lifelike!'

'When we were together, you always said
you'd die for me...
-- Now that we've broken up, I think it's time
you kept your promise.'

'We have been friends for a very long time...
-- What do you say we call it quits?'

'I'm so miserable without you...
-- It's almost like you're here.'

'Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...
-- Did you ever find out who the father was?'

True Story.

One day the nursery school teacher was reading the
story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.

She came to the part of the story where the first pig was
trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.

She read,'..And so the pig went up to the man with the
wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but
may I have some of that straw to build my house?' The
teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you
think that man said?'

One little boy raised his hand and said, 'I think he said...
'Holy ****! A talking pig!'

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

Honest Lawyer

An investment counselor went out on her own. She
was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in,
and pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house
counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers.

'As I'm sure you can understand,' she started off with
one of the first applicants, 'in a business like this, our
personal integrity must be beyond question.' She
leaned forward. 'Mr. Peterson, are you an *honest*
lawyer?'

'Honest?' replied the job prospect. 'Let me tell you
something about honesty. Why, I'm so honest that
my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my
education and I paid back every penny the minute
I tried my very first case.'

'Impressive..... And what sort of case was that?'

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted,
'He sued me for the money.'

Wise-Guy Parrot

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.

The audience would be different each week, so the
magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over
and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw
the shows each week and began to understand how
the magician did every trick.

Once he understood he started shouting in the middle
of the show:
'Look, it's not the same hat'
'Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table'
'Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?'

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was,
after all, the captain's parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician
found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean
with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with
hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day and then another and another.

After a week the parrot said: 'OK, I give up. Where's the boat?'

Lost in Translation

The following our signs seen overseas where the actual
message of the signs became somewhat lost in the
english translation.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the day. During that time we
regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Belgrade elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the
cabin should enter more persons, each one should
press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going
alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the
job of the chambermaid.

On a menu in a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

In a Tokyo hotel:
Please take advantage of the chambermaids.

In a Hong Kong supermarket:
For your convenience we recommend courteous,
efficient self-service.

In a Hong Kong dress shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush
we will execute customers in strict rotation.

In a Vienna hotel:
In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the porter.

In Germany's Black Forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping
site that people of different sex, for instance, men
and women, live together in one tent unless they
are married for that purpose.

Swiss mountain inn:
Special today--no ice cream.

Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.

Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have
any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

A notice in a Japanese hotel (ca. 1950):
Please not to steal towels. If you are not person
to do such, please not to read notice.

Japanese instructions on an air conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of
warm in your room, please control yourself.

Car rental brochure in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle
the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but
if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him
with vigor.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
English well talking. Here speeching American.

A Finnish hotel's instructions in case of fire:
If you are unable to leave your room, expose
yourself in the window.

The New CEO

A new company, feeling it was time for a shake-up,
hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to
rid he company of all slackers. On a tour of the
facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall.
The room is full of workers and he thinks this is
his chance to show everyone he means business!

The CEO, walks up the guy and asks - 'and how
much money do you make a week?'

Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and
replies, 'I make $200.00 a week. Why?'

The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and
screams - 'here's a week's pay, now GET OUT
and don't come back!'

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the
CEO looks around the room and asks - 'does
anyone want to tell me what that slacker did
here?'

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers
mutters - 'That was the Pizza delivery guy.'

Newspaper Ad

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity
unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who loves to play.
I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck,
swimming naked in the pond, hunting, camping and fishing trips,
cozy winter nights lying by the fire. I'll be at the front door when
you get home from work wearing only what nature gave me.
Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy.

Responses!
Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the
Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week old
black Labrador retriever.

Men are so..... easy!

Camel Questions

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby
camel asks, "Mom why have I got these huge three toed feet?"

The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert
your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand".

"OK" said the son. A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why
have I got these great long eyelashes?"

"They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips
through the desert", the camel mother answers.

"Thanks Mom" replies the son. After a short while, the son returns
and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??"

The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They
are there to help us store water for our long treks across the
desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods."

"That's great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and
long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps
to store water, but... Mom?"

"Yes son?"

"Why the heck are we in the San Diego zoo?"

Making Love -- Bragging

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American
on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began
discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman
bragged, "And this morning she made me delicious crepes and
she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian
responded, "And this morning she made me a wonderful
omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly
asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife
last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she
say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

A Good Shot, But...

Mildred, an aging 93 year-old woman, was particularly
despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.
She decided that she would just kill herself and join
him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly,
she took out Earl's old army pistol and made the decision
to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken
in the first place by the loss of her husband.

Not well versed in anatomy and not wanting to miss the
vital organ and become a vegetable or a burden to
someone else, she called her doctor's office to inquire
as to just exactly where the heart is located.

"On a woman," the doctor said, "the heart is located just
below her left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital
with a gun shot wound to her knee.

Oh, you guys!

A man, exiting a grocery store, was very surprised when a
rather good-looking and perky young lady greeted him
cheerfully by saying "Good Evening."

Her face was beaming.  At least she was smiling until he
gave her that "Who are you?" look.  He couldn't remember
having ever seen her before.

Then, she obviously realized that a mistake had been made
and apologized.

She explained, "Oh, I'm so sorry.  When I first saw you, I
thought you were the father of one of my children." She
walked on her way into the store.

The man was left staring dumbfounded after her. More than
a bit puzzled, he thought to himself, "What is the world
coming to, an attractive woman who doesn't even keep
track of what the father of her children look like."

However, he was also a bit flattered that he might resemble
one of her former suitors. But, also hoped that nobody
overheard her saying that she mistook him for being the
father of one of her children.

A bit panicked, he then thought, "Could I possibly have
forgotten a relationship?  Could it be that I really fathered
a child?"

Still stunned, he walked to his car.

He still did not realize, of course, that she was a
fifth-grade teacher at a local elementary school.

Golf Game

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I
couldn't see where the ball went."

"But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife,
"Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"

"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore,"
protested Jack.

"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball,"
Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung,
and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.

"Do you see it?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

"I forgot."

Blonde Painting

One day a blonde comes out of the tanning salon. She wants
to make some money so she goes to one of the rich
neighborhoods. She rings the door bell and says, "HI, is
there anything I could do for your???"

The man thinks and says, "Sure, you can paint my porch.
You will find all the stuff in the garage."

The girl says, "O.K., How much will you pay me?"

The man says, "How much does fifty bucks sound?"

The blonde quickly agrees and get straight to work. The wife
who had heard the conversation inside says, "50 bucks, I
hope she knows the porch goes all around the house!"

25 minutes later the girl knocks on the door and says, "O.K.
I am done. Can I have my money now?" Surprised the man
replies, "O.K. Let me get the money"

He comes back and the girl says as she is leaving,
"By the way, it's a Ferrari, not a Porch!"

Pregnant

At 84, Hortense wasn't surprised at feeling a few aches and
pains that she attributed to her age.  All in all she was in
very good health and seldom suffered from maladies of the
aged.  However, when she began to have problems sleeping
at night, with occasional bouts of nausea ans strange fits of
appetite, she decided to make an appointment with her doctor.

After running a few tests, her doctor came in with alarming
news.  The puzzled expression on his face gave away his
concern before he even opened his mouth.  Fearing the worst,
Hortense tried to calm her nerves as she queried in a wavoring
voice, "What is it?  Do I have some terminal disease?  Am I
going to die soon?"

"Oh, no, nothing like that.  You're as healthy as ever.  What I
have to tell you, though, is rather surprising.  You're going to
have a baby."

"What?!" she gasped, both relieved and shocked at the amazing
news.  "But how can this be?  I'm 84 years old!  I went through
menopause a good 30 years ago!  What's more, my husband is
92!  Are you sure?"

"Absolutely.  Every test has proven positive that you're pregnant.
We even ran them twice just to make sure."

Startled, Hortense sat in stunned silence for several seconds
before askiing, "May I borrow your phone.  I need to call my
husbnad."

After several rings, the familiar voice of her spouse came
back over the receiver.  "Hello?"

Still so astonished at the news, all she could do was blurt out,
"You sexy old man!  You made me pregnant!"

There was a moment of silence before she heard, "Who is this?"

Free Drinks

A drunk staggers into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'd like
to buy everyone in the bar a drink and get one for yourself too!"

The bartender makes the drinks and everyone raises their glass
and yells "CHEERS!" and downs their drinks.

The bartender says "That'll be $37.50."

The drunk says, "Kiss my big white rear, 'cuz I don't have any
money!"

This infuriates the bartender who then jumps over the bar and
beats up the drunk and throws him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walks into the same bar and says,
"I'd like to buy the whole bar a drink, and get one for yourself, too".

The bartender figures that maybe he was a little hard on the guy
the day before and decides to give the guy the benefit of the doubt.
He makes the drinks and they all say, "Salute!" and down the drinks.

The bartender says, "That'll be $42.50."

The drunk replies by putting his thumb to his nose, wiggling his
fingers, and making a loud raspberry noise followed by, "I don't
have any money and you can kiss my big white rear!"

This angers the bartender even more than the first time. He
jumps over the bar and beats the drunk and throws him out
into the street onto his face and kicks him a few times for
good measure.

The next day the same drunk walks into the same bar, but
before he can say anything the bartender says, "Let me guess,
you want to buy the whole bar a drink and I should get one for
myself, too, right?"

The drunk replies, "No way, you get too violent when you drink!"

Watch Your Mouth

A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead
of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with
the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally
appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a
very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with
a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him,
"How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could
see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Murphy's Laws of Computing

When computing, whatever happens, behave
as though you meant it to happen.

When you get to the point where you really
understand your computer, it's probably
obsolete.

The first place to look for information
is in the section of the manual where you
least expect to find it.

When the going gets tough, upgrade.

For every action, there is an equal and
opposite malfunction.

He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

A complex system that does not work is
invariably found to have evolved from a
simpler system that worked just fine.

The number one cause of computer problems
is computer solutions.

A computer program will always do what you
tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.

You know you are an Internet Junkie when...

When asked to your address, your answer begins with http://
Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
You chat with your fingers, not your mouth.
You use Netscape 4.72, and you check every week whether version 4.73 was released.
You know the difference between Java and Javascript.
Most of your friends have an @ in their names.
In order to watch CNN you move to www.cnn.com
On your business card the e-mail appears before the phone number.
You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
You can perfectly imitate the sound pattern of your modem connecting to your ISP.
You can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-).
You are told about a new program, and you are disappointed to find that it is a TV program.
Not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your network address faster than your postal one.
You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.


Two guys are out hunting deer...

The first guy says, "Did you see that?... pointing to the sky."

"No," the second guy says.

"Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead!" the first guy says.

"Oh," says the second guy.

A couple of minutes later, pointing to a far ridge, the first guy
says, "Did you see that?"

"See what?" the second guy asks.

"Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill,
over there!"

"Yah, Ok", says the second guy again with a bit of irritation in
his voice.

A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?"
This time pointing behind them.

By now, the second guy is getting very aggravated and says,
"Yah, I SAW IT!"

And the first guy says: "Then why did you step on it?"

What the husband got his wife for her birthday

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
"I'd love to be six again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, got up,
made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms and then
took her off to the local theme park.

What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the
Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster
Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her
loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra
fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie to see the latest blockbuster,
a hot-dog, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy,
M M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed
into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with
a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it
like being six again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly
changed. "You idiot, I meant my dress size!"

The moral of the story:

Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.

Santa Clause from an Engineer's perspective!

1. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18)
in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim,
Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for
Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to
the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of
3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes,
presuming that there is at least one good child in each.

2. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks
to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth,
assuming he travels East to west (which seems logical). This
works out to 967.7 visits per second .

This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child,
Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop
out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, and distribute the
remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have
been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh
and get on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 108
million stops is evenly distributed around the earth. (Which, of
course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of
our calculations). We are now talking about 0.78 miles per
household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting
bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving
at 650 miles per second , 3,000 times the speed of sound. For
purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the
Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second,
and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.

3. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element.
Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium
sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500
thousand tons , not counting Santa himself.

On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300
pounds. Even granting that the reindeer could pull ten times
the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even
nine of them -Santa would need 360,000 of them. This
increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh,
another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of
the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).

4. 600,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates
enormous air resistance - this would heat up the reindeer in
the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's
atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3
quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they
would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing
the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms
in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized
within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time
Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters,
however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a
dead stop to 650 mph in .001 seconds, would be subjected
to centrifugal forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which
seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the
sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his
bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of
pink-goo.

5. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.

The Pearly Gates

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter
at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of
keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said, "you may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets
and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,
"And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carol's."

I Think Santa Claus is a Woman

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.
Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing
social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly
pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about
selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen
in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec.24th,
when they (with amazing calm) call other errant men for a
last-minute shopping spree.

Other reasons why Santa PROBABLY isn't a man:

    * Men can't pack a bag.
    * Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
    * Men would feel their masculinity is threatened... having to be
      seen with all those elves.
    * Men don't answer their mail.
    * Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even
       in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
    * Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
    * Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

As long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and
Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song," it probably makes
little difference what gender Santa is.

I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!!

Affair With The Dentist

Laura fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks
and pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate
rendezvous in the dental clinic.

But one day he said sadly, "Laura, honey, we have to stop
seeing each other. Your husband's bound to get suspicious."

"No way, sweetie, he's dumb as a post," she assured him.
"Besides, we've been meeting here for six months now
and he doesn't suspect a thing."

"True," agreed the dentist, "but you're down to one tooth!"

Resolution

I mixed Rhum with Water and I got drunk.

I mixed Gin with Water and I got drunk.

I mixed Whiskey with Water and I also got drunk.

I SWEAR, from now on, I will never drink Water again!

Basic Flying Rules:

Try to stay in the middle of the air.  Do not go near the edges of it.
The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground,
buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space.  It is much more difficult
to fly there.

You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full
power to taxi to the terminal.

The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely
kill you.

Blue water Navy truism:  There are more planes in the ocean than
there are submarines in the sky.

If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a
helicopter -- and, therefore, unsafe.

When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always
have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.

Without ammunition, the USAF would just be another expensive
flying club.

I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.

If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the
crash as possible.

You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.

Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.

Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral
will be held on a sunny day.

When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in
aviation are:  "Why is it doing that?",  "Where are we?", and
"Oh Shit".

Modern Version Of The Birds And The Bees:

Cyrus SAYS: Daddy, how was I born?

DAD SAYS: Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find
out anyway! Well, you see your Mom and I first got together
in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with
your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed
to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to
upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall,
and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months
later a blessed little Pop- Up appeared and said: You've Got Male!

Saying Goodbye

A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready,
all dolled up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple
walked out of the house, the cat shoots back in. They don't want
the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while
the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty,
explains to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say
goodbye to my  mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took
so long," he says, "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and
I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"

You may not know that many nonliving things have a gender.

For example:

1) Ziploc Bags -- They are Male, because they hold
everything in, but you can see right through them.

2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned
off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an
effective reproductive device if the right buttons
are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons
are pushed.

3) Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go
anywhere, you have to light a fire unde r it, and of
course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9) Hammer -- Male, because ! it hasn't changed much
over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) Remote Control -- Female...... Ha! You thought it'd
be male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd
be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the
right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

Saying the right thing

A man wakes up with an incredible hangover.

  He forces his eyes open and sees a
glass of water with two asprins next
to it.  He sits up and looks around...
his clothes are cleaned and pressed,
the bedroom is spotless.

Next to the asprins is a note saying,
"Hi honey, left early to go shopping.
Your breakfast is ready in the kitchen.
Love you."

The man takes the asprins and walks
into the kitchen, where, sure enough,
is hot breakfast and a newspaper.

"What happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home at
about 3AM,  puked in the  hallway, and
broke some furniture."

The man says, "Then why is everything
so nice and clean?"

  His son replies, "Oh, that! Well, Mom
pulled you into the bedroom, and when
she tried to take your pants off, you
yelled, "Leave me alone lady, I'm married!"

Self-Induced Hangover: $100

Broken Furniture: $200

Saying the Right Thing: Priceless

Dead Husbands

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married
for the fourth time.

"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what
happened to your first husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."

"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms, too, and died."

"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your
third husband."

"He died of a broken neck."

"A broken neck?"

"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

SPEEDING

A woman is caught speeding on the freeway, and is pulled over
by a traffic cop. He says "Ma'am, you were going 85 miles per
hour, can I see your driver's license?"

"I don't have one," says the woman, "it was revoked for reckless
driving."

"I see," says the policeman. "Then will you please show me your
vehicle registration?"

"I don't have that either because the car's not mine," says the
woman.

"Whose car is it, then?" asks the policeman. She answers, "It
belongs to the man I killed this morning and chopped up in
pieces, put in plastic bags, and loaded into the trunk. I was
just going to dispose of him."

The policeman, shocked, says, "You just stay where you are,
I'm calling reinforcements."

Soon the captain comes, and asks the woman, "License please?"
The woman, politely, says, "Certainly, here it is," and hands
over her license.

"Can I see the car's registration, please?" asks the captain,
and the woman says, "Certainly," and hands it over to him.

He then asks, "Would you mind if I looked in your trunk?"

"Not at all," says the woman, and pops the trunk. He looks in
and it's empty.

"Excuse me," says the captain, "but my officer her told me
you had no license, no vehicle registration, and that you
had stolen the car, killed its owner, cut him into pieces and
loaded him in your trunk!"

The woman answered, "Really? I bet the damn liar said I
was speeding, too!"

HEADACHES

A woman has had serious headaches for several years and has
tried everything without success. One day, she was having lunch
with a friend who referred her to a hypnotist who, according to
her friend "works wonders on anything."

The woman comes home from the hypnotist and tells her husband,
"Remember those headaches I've been having all these years?
Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me
to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not
have a headache, I do not have a headache. I do not have a
headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful." His wife then says,
"You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom
these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see
if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his
clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He
puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move. I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later
and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like
never before. His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes
back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even
better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is
spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With
that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly
follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing
at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife.
She's not my wife!

SAY WHAT?

-- People who live in glass houses should make
love in the basement.

-- Never read the fine print. There ain't no way
you're going to like it.

-- The only two things we do with greater frequency
in old age are urinate and attend funerals.

-- To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely

-- Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have
thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

-- Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's
more comfortable to cry in a Porsche.

-- Drinking makes some husbands see double
nd feel single.

-- Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out
of Halloween.

-- After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching
in every joint, you are probably dead

Texas Secretary

The owner of a golf course in Texas was confused
about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his
secretary for some mathematical help. He called
her into his office and said, 'You graduated from
the University of Texas. If I were to give you $20,000,
minus 14%, how much would you take off?'

The secretary thought a moment, then replied...
'Everything but my earrings.'

top nine comments

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports
commentators so far during the Summer Olympics
that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: 'This is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm
up and it was amazing.'

2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse
and I speak from personal experience since I once
mounted her mother.'

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents,
especially my mother and father.'

4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and
even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really
that serious.'

5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I
should think we can expect the same thing again.'

6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the
opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it
all over their faces.'

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice.
The wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of
the British crew.'

8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere.
It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.' 

9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy
is playing so well is that, before the final round, his
wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my
God, what have I just said?'


Giving More Than 100%

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this...

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE
than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say
they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to
those meetings where someone wants you to give
over 100%. How about achieving 103%?

So what makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help
you answer these questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T
U V W X Y Z is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17
18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then...

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But...

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And..
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND look how far ass kissing will take you...

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 127%

So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty
that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close,
and Attitude will get you there, Bullshit and Ass Kissing
will put you over the top.

Bad Day at the Drug Store

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely
evening, the husband was met at the door by his
sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, 'It's the druggist,
he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.'

Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost
the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could
say more than a word or two, the druggist told him,
'Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it. This morning
the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went
without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be
damned if I didn't lock the house with both house and
car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys.
Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then,
about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire.

When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of
people waiting for me to open up. I got the store
opened and started waiting on these people, and
all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off.
Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash
register drawer to make change, and they spilled all
over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to
pick up the nickels - the phone is still ringing - when
I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer,
which made me stagger back against a showcase with
a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit
the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no
let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your
wife - she wanted to know how to use a rectal
thermometer. Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!'

job as a signalman

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local
railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking:
'What would you do if you realized that two trains were
heading towards each other on the same track?'

Tom says: 'I would switch one train to another track.'

'What if the lever broke?' asks the inspector.

'Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual
lever down there', answers Tom.

'What if that had been struck by lightning?' challenges
the inspector.

'Then,' Tom continued, 'I'd run back up here and use
the phone to call the next signal box.'

'What if the phone was busy?'

'In that case,' Tom argued, 'I'd run to the street level
and use the public phone near the station'.

'What if that had been vandalized?'

'Oh well,' said Tom, 'In that case I would run into
town and get my Uncle Leo'.

This puzzled the inspector, so he asked,
'Why would you do that?'

'Because he's never seen a train crash yet.'


Gunfighter of the Old West

Back in the days of the Wild West, there was a young
cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the
greatest gunfighter in the world.  He practiced every
minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't
yet first-rate and that there must be something he was
doing wrong.

Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized
an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation
of being the fastest gun in the West in his day.

The young cowboy took the seat next to the old timer,
bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great
ambition.

'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well,
for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high.  Tie the
holster a little lower down on your leg.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the
young man. 'Sure will,' said the old timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped
out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

'That's terrific!' said the cowboy. 'Got any more tips for me?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster
where the hammer hits it.  That'll give you a smoother draw.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.

'You bet it will,' said the old timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up,
drew his gun in a blur, and shot a cufflink off the piano player.

'Wow!' said the cowboy, 'I'm learnin' sumthin' here!

'Got any more tips?'  The old man pointed to a large can in
a corner of the saloon.

'See that axle grease over there?  Coat your gun with it.'

The young man went over to the can and smeared some
of the grease on the barrel of his gun.  'No,' said the old
timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'
Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked they young
man.

'No,' said the old timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done
playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your butt,
and it won't hurt near as much.'


Cars and Computers

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the
way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.  At a recent
computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had
kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would
all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press
release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be
driving cars with the following characteristics:

1.  For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2.  Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have
     to buy a new car.

3.  Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason.
     You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the
     windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows
     before you could continue.  For some reason you would simply
     accept this.

4.  Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would
     cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case
     you would have to reinstall the engine.

5.  Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun,
     was reliable, five times!  as fast and twice as easy to drive -
     but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6.  The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would
     all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal
     Operation" warning light.

7.  The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8.  Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you
     out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door
     handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna

9.  Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to
     learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls
     would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10.  You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

Please share this with your friends who love - but sometimes hate -
their computer!

SANTA'S BAD DAY

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did
not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was
beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit.
This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of
them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence
and were out, heaven knows where.

More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked,
and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider
and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered
that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to
drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot,
and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the
straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the
door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a
great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't
it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would
you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the
Christmas tree!

TWENTY YEARS

Two older gentlemen were talking and one said to the other,
"You're having an anniversary soon, right?"

The other replied, "Yep, a big one, 20 years."

"Wow," said the other, "what are you going to get your wife
for your anniversary?"

The other replied, "We're going on a trip to Australia."

"Wow, Australia, that's some gift!" said the other man. "That's
going to be hard to beat next year. What are you going to do
for your 25th anniversary?"

"Go back and get her."

WRAPPED

For Mike's birthday, his wife wanted to surprise him when he
came home from work. After some careful consideration, she
decided to strip naked and wrap herself in Saran wrap from
her shoulders to her ankles.

Soon, Michael enters his house exhausted from a tough day
at work. Mike walks through the living room, puts his attache
case down, and hears his wife say, "Honey, I'm in the kitchen."

Rounding the corner, he spots her wrapped up in plastic.
After a quick peek, he sighs and says, "Leftovers again!"

Robbing Lawyers

Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers
burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from
the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers,
up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches,
etc. While this is going on lawyer number one jams something
in lawyer number two's hand.

Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers,
"What is this?" to which lawyer number one replies,
"It's that $100 I owe you."

Equal Employment Opportunity

An establishment was looking for office help. They put a sign in
the window, stating the following: "Help Wanted. Must be able
to type, must be good with a computer and MUST be bilingual.
We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw
the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and
wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it
and whined a bit.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The
office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say
the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led
him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair
and stared at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire
you. The sign says you have to be able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded
to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted
over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back
up on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the
dog, "The sign also says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The
dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program that
worked flawlessly the first time.

By this time, the manager was totally dumb-founded! He
ooked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very
intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However,
I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went over to a copy of the sign
and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an
Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said "Yes, but the sign also says that you have
to be bilingual. The dog looked at that manager calmly and
said, "Meow."

HO Ho Ho FAQ

Q: Why do reindeers have red noses?
A: They are not equipped with ABS (Automatic braking Syatem)
    and thus tend to bump into things on slippery surfaces. This is
    why Santa is often seen with a red nose too (the sleigh doesn't
    have an airbag, either).

Q: Why does Santa use Elves?
A: There is no trade union for Elves. They're easy to exploit.

Q: Does Santa really work all year round making toys?
A: Get real! Check the box in which the Christmas gift came! Does it say
   "Made on the North Pole"? ("Made in China", more likely)

Q: Then what does he DO all year?
A: Uncertain. Chasing Elves and reindeer, most likely. Maybe he spends his
   winters in Florida.

Q: Do the polar bears on the North Pole cause Santa any trouble?
A: Not since Santa equipped the guard Elves with M-61 submachine guns.

Early Christmas Shopping

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood
as he asked the accused,  "What are you charged with?"

"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the
defendant.

"What? That's no offense!" said the judge. "How early
were you doing this shopping?"

"Before the store opened," answered the defendant.

Shrinks' Problems

While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk.

"People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears,"
one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems."

"Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't
we hear each other out right now?"

They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses,
"I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually
overbill my patients as often as I can."

The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control,
and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs
for me."

The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter
how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."

Stuck In The Hotel

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant
prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the
captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline
personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the
day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He
knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up
to ask what happened to her.

She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out
of the room!"

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked. "Why not?"

She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed,
"one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on
it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

Motor Bullies

An old man was eating in a truck stop when three bikers
walked in.

The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette
into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter.

The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old
man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter.

The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old
man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.

Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress,
"Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either.
He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

Your'e Beautiful!

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from
anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by
his side.

His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!"
and then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed
by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered
open and he said "You're cute!"

Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of
"beautiful" it was "cute."

She said "What happened to 'beautiful'?"

His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"

Free Almonds

The day care bus driver drives with a bus full of Sun City
seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him
on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds,
which he gratefully munches up.

15 minutes later she taps him on his shoulder again and
hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this
gesture about 8 times.

After the 9th time he asks the lady why they do not eat
the almonds themselves.

She replied that it is not possible because of their old teeth.
They can not chew them.

"Why do you buy them then?" he asks, puzzled.

Where upon the old lady answers, "We just love to lick the
chocolate around them".

Comforting Words

A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital
just before his operation.

"What's the matter?" he was asked.

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation,
don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right."

"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening
about that?"

"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"

Great Female Comebacks

Man "Haven't we met before?"
Woman "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man "Is this seat empty?"
Woman "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man "Your place or mine?"
Woman "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman "I'm a female impersonator."

Man "What sign were you born under?"
Woman "No Parking."

Man "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman "Do not Enter"

Man "I know how to please a woman."
Woman "Then please leave me alone."

Man "I want to give myself to you."
Woman "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man "Your body is like a temple."
Woman "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman "Yes, but would you stay there?"

Man "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy
Woman "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Phone Call

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone
on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker
function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to
listen.

MAN: "Hello."

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather
coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, ...go ahead if you like it."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and
saw the new 2004 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$60,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house we
wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking
$950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but
just offer $900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up .The other men in the locker room
are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Final Words

Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's
a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.

Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner
asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the
executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is
startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the
executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no,
and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone
is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did.
The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if
she has any last requests. She also says no, and the
executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The blonde shouts, " fire !!"


Duck Expert

A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged
3 ducks and decided to 'enforce the laws pending.' He
stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, 'Looks
like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?'

The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden.
The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into
the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, 'This
here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington
state hunting license?'

The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the
warden a Washington state hunting license. The warden
took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum,
pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, 'This here's an Idaho duck.
Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?'

The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting
license. The warden took a third duck, conducted the same
finger test, and said, 'This here's an Oregon state duck.
Do you have an Oregon state hunting license?'

Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter
produced the appropriate license. The warden, a little
miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to
the hunter and said, 'You've got all of these licenses,
just where the hell are you from?'

The hunter, already annoyed,  dropped his pants, bent over,
and said 'You're so smart, YOU tell ME!'

How many people work?

One day Benny and his Daddy were at the
dining room table working on the boy's Social
Studies homework.

As they looked over the chapter about government,
Benny turned to his Dad and asked, "Daddy, how
many people work in the U.S. government?"

Benny's Pop replied without hesitating, "Oh,
about half of them."


"Always on Call"

A doctor answers his phone and hears the
Familiar voice of a colleague on the other
end of the line.

"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked,
"Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely.
"In fact, there are three doctors there already!" 

LIBRARY ORDER

A blonde walks into a library, looks around, then gets
in line for the counter. Once she gets to the head of
the line, she loudly says, "I'd like a Big Mac, large fries,
and a large Coke."

The librarian looks at her for a moment, then whispers
to the blonde, "Ma'am, this is the library."

The blonde nods, then whispers, "I'd like a Big Mac,
large fries, and a large Coke."

Good Sale

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed
his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask
about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good
news for him.

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible,
ugly suit we've had so long!"

"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted
thing?" the manager asked.

"That's the one!"

"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never
get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit
we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?"

"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit,
his guide dog bit me."

FORGETFUL

The man looked a little worried when the doctor came
in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing
the doctor did was to ask whether anything was
troubling him.

"Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient.
"You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure
I can remember where I put the car, or whether I
answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm
going to do once I get there if I get there. So, I really
need your help. What can I do?"

The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his
kindest tone, "Pay me in advance."

Missouri Humor

The owner of a golf course in the Missouri Ozarks was
confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to
ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from
the University of The Ozarks and I need some help. If I
were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would
you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, then replied,
"Everything but my earrings."

==============

A group of Missouri Hillbillies went deer hunting and paired
off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters
returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point
buck.

"Where's Henry?" the others asked. "Henry had a stroke
of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,"
the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry lying out there and carried the deer back?"
they inquired. "A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I
figured no one is going to steal Henry!"

==============

NEWS FLASH! - Joplin, Missouri----- The Ozarks worst air
disaster occurred when a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane,
piloted by two Missouri Southern University students, crashed
into a cemetery earlier today in The Ozarks. Mountaineer
search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far
and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the
evening. The pilot and co-pilot survived and are helping in the
recovery efforts.

Phone Call

The boss of a big company who needed to call one of his
employees about an urgent problem with one of the main
computers, dialed the employee's home phone number
and was greeted with a child's whisper, "Hello."

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss
asked, "Is your mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a
message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's
home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came
the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what
sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the
phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The
search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little
frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a
muffled giggle: "ME"

Math And Logic

There are two nuns. One of them is known as Sister
Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as
Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are
still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at
the most.What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical
thing. He started to walk faster too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in
one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that
way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical
arrives at the convent and is worried what has happened to
Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives...

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow
us both, so he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast
as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run
faster than a man with his pants down........!

(And those of you who thought it would be a dirty ending,
Pray for forgiveness!)

$350 room

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Atlanta to
New York. After almost twenty-four hours on the road,
they decide to stop at a nice hotel and take a room.
They only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back
on the road. When they check out four hours later, the
desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge
is so high. The clerk explains that $350 is the standard rate.
The man insists on speaking to the manager.

The manager enters the conversation and explains that the
hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center
which were available for the husband and wife to use.

He also explains that they could have taken in one of the
shows which the hotel is famous for. "The best entertainers
from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,"
explains the manager.

No matter what the manager mentions, the man replies,
"But we didn't use it!"

"But you could have," replied the manager

Eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a
check and hands it to the manager.

"But sir," the manager says, "this check is only made out for
$100."

"That's right," replies the man. "I charged you $250 for
sleeping with my wife."

"What! I didn't sleep with your wife!" exclaims the manager.

"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."

Cyanide

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist
she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist said, 'Why
in the world do you need cyanide?' The lady then
explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, 'Lord have
mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband!
That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in jail
and I'll lose my license.'

Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out
a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's
wife and handed it to him. The pharmacist looked at
it and replied, 'Well now, you didn't tell me you had
a prescription.'

Rich Man

A young man asked an old rich man how he made
his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said,

"Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great
Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire
day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day,
I sold the apple for ten cents.

The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two
apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and
sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this
system for a month, by the end of which I'd
accumulated a fortune of $1.37.

Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

Amazed

Two horses were walking back to the paddock after a days
training. One says to the other "I can't understand why we
are so slow, we come from good stock, we have the best
of food, great  trainers, and yet we come last in every race."

There was a dog running along side them who overheard
and said "I know what your problem is. I have seen you race
and it looks to me as if you race off at the start really fast
and
use up all your energy and then you have nothing left. What
you should do is pace yourselves and when all the other horses
are knackered, put in a spurt and you're sure to win.

What do you think of that?". said the dog.

The horses looked at one another and said
"WOW, a talking dog!"

Lost Preacher

This little boy was waiting on his mother to come out
of a store. As he waited, he was approached by a man
who asked, "son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "sure,... just go straight down the
street a couple of blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new
Preacher in town and I'd like for you to come to church
on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle, "Aawww, come on;
you don't even know the way to the Post Office!"

DOCTOR!!!

When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a
telephone pole, several bystanders ran over to help
the driver.

A woman was the first to reach the victim, but a man
rushed in and pushed her aside. 'Step aside, lady,' he
barked. 'I've taken a course in first-aid!'

The woman watched for a few minutes, then tapped
him on the shoulder.

'Pardon me,' she said. 'But when you get to the part
about calling a doctor, I'm right here.'

The Blind Parachuter

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting.

When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things
were all done for him:

"I am placed in the door and told when to jump"

"My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go"

"But how do you know when you are going to land?"
he was asked.

"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees
and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final
arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.

He quickly answered "Oh, my dog's leash goes slack".

Chain Saw

An man walks into a hardware store and asks
for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour.

The salesman recommends the top of the line model.
The man is suitably impressed, and buys it.

The next day he brings it back and says,
"This chainsaw is defective. It would only
cut down 1 tree and it took me ALL DAMN DAY!"

The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to
see what's wrong, and the man says, "What's that noise?"

Really Drunk

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been
in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering
wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the
phone rang a second time with the same voice came over
the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup,
"I got in the back seat by mistake."

Oh, What a Day I Had Today!

  A man came home from work and found his three
children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the
mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all
around the front yard.  The door of his wife's car was
open, as was the front door to the house and there was
no sign of the dog. 

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. 
A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was
wadded against one wall.  In the front room the TV
was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family
room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. 

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was
spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide,
dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay
under the table,  and a small pile of sand was spread
by the back door. 

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys
and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He
was worried she might be ill, or that something
serious had happened.  He was met with a small
trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom
door. As he peered inside he found wet towels,
scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor.
Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste
had been smeared over the mirror and walls. 

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife
still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading
a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked
how his day went.  He looked  at her bewildered
and asked, "What happened here today?" 

She again smiled And answered, "You know
every day when you come home from work and
you ask me what in the world did I do today?" 

"Yes," was his incredulous reply. 

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

Curtains

Having been married ten years and still living in an apartment,
the wife would often complain about anything, as she was tired
of saving every penny to buy a "dream home".

Trying to placate her, the husband found a new apartment,
within their budget. However, after the first week, she began
complaining again.

"Joel," she said, "I don't like this place at all. There are
no curtains in the bathroom. The neighbors can see me every
time I take a bath."

"Don't worry." replied her husband. "If the neighbors do see
you, they'll surely buy curtains."

Better Tasting

The local game warden in a small town in Oregon had
arrested a man for killing and eating an Egret which is
an endangered specie..

The man went before a judge to plead his case.
After pleading guilty, but with an explanation, the
judge asked him why he did it.

"I was just trying to feed my hungry family," he told
the judge, "and I've never done anything like that
before."

The judge, being a family man himself, had a soft
heart and agreed to let the man go free, since he
was only trying to feed his starving family and it
was his first and only offense.

"Before you go, though, I want to ask you a question,
" the judge quipped, "What does Egret taste like?"

"Well your Honor," the man told him, "Its not as tender
as a Spotted Owl but its better than a Bald Eagle!"

Forecasting

A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an
old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain."
The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to
the director and said, "Tomorrow storm." The next day there
was a hailstorm.

"This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his
secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather.

However, after several successful predictions, the old
Indian didn't show up for two weeks.

Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big
scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm
depending on you. What will the weather be like?"

The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know,"
he said. "Radio is broken."

Can't Eat Your Own Sandwich?

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks.
Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases
and started to eat.

The waiter became quite concerned and marched over
and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwich in
here!"

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their
shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

Dog

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel he planned to visit
on his vacation: "I would very much like to bring my dog
with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved.
Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my
room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who
said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years.
In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels,
bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've
never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night
for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a
dog run out on a hotel bill.

Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel.
And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're
welcome to stay here, too."

Wife ?

A traveller pulls into a hotel around midnight and asks
the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the
paperwork, the man looks around and sees a
gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk
to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a
minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm.

"Fancy meeting my wife here," he says to the clerk.
"Guess I'll need a double room for the night."

Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds
the amount to be over $3000.

"What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk.
"I've only been here one night!"

"Yes," says the clerk, "but your wife has been
here for three weeks."

Punishment

A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment
by the devil. As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking
sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer
snuggling up to a beautiful woman.

"That's unfair !" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity,
and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."

"Shut up!" barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork.
"Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

Birthday Present

A few days before her birthday a husband asked his wife,
"Dear, what would you like for your present?"

"I really don't think I should say."

"How about a diamond ring?" the husband asks.

"I don't care much for diamonds."

"Well, how about a mink coat?"

"You know I do not like furs." she says.

"A golden necklace?" asks the man.

"I already have three of them."

"Well, gosh, what do you want?"

The wife replies, "What I'd really like is a divorce."

"Hmmm," says the man, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

Bad Weather

A guy goes fishing every Saturday morning. He gets up
early and eager, makes his lunch, hooks up his boat
and off he goes, all day long.

Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses
quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns,
grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his
boat to the truck and down the driveway he goes.

As he is coming out of his garage rain is pouring down;
it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in
with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph. Minutes
later, he returns to the garage.

He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the
weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather
all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage,
quietly undresses and slips back into bed.

There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a
different anticipation, and whispers,"The weather
out there is terrible."

To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my
stupid husband is out there fishing?"

Cold Water

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very
secluded rural area of the state he lived in.

After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast
for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film like
substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather,
"are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold
water can get them, so go on and finish your meal".

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather
made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of
his plate and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes,
so he ask again, "Are you sure these plates are clean"?

Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather
says, "I told you before; those dishes are as clean as
cold water can get them. Now don't ask me about it
anymore!"

Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner
in a nearby town. As he was leaving, his grandfather's
dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass so he said,
"Grandfather, your dog won't let me out".

Without diverting his attention from the football game he
was watching on TV his grandfather shouted,
" Cold Water , Go lay down!"

Who's Stupid?

A blonde and a brunette were talking, when the blonde
said, "I hate all the dumb blonde jokes people tell about
me."

The brunette, feeling sorry for his friend, said sage-like,
"Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people
out there. Here, I'll prove it to you."

The brunette took the blonde outside and hailed a taxi driver.

"Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home,"
said the brunette.

The cab driver without saying a word drove them to Nickel
Street, and when they finally got out, the brunette said,
"See! That guy was really stupid and he's not even blond!"

"No kidding," replied the blonde "There was a pay phone
just around the corner. You could have called instead."

Internet Connection

6 ways to realize your Internet connection is a little slow:

   1. Graphics arrive via FedEx.
   2. You post a message to your favorite Forum
       and it displays a week later.
   3. Your credit card expires while ordering on-line.
   4. Playboy web site exhibits "Playmate of the year"...
       for 1995.
   5. You receive e-mails with stamps on them.
   6. You click the "Send" button, a little door opens on
       the side of your monitor and a pigeon flies out.

Dirty Pictures

A man goes to a Psychologist and says, "Doc I
got a real problem, I can't stop thinking about sex."

The Psychologist says, "Well let's see what we can
find out", and pulls out his ink blots.

"What is this a picture of?" he asks. The man turns
the picture upside down then turns it around and states,
"That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."

The Psychologist shows the next ink blot. "And what
is this a picture of?" The man looks and turns it in different
directions and says, "That's a man and a woman on a bed
making love."

The Psychologist states, "Well, yes, you do seem to be
obsessed with sex."

"Me!?" demands the patient. "You're the one who keeps
showing me those dirty pictures!"

Memory Clinic

Two elderly friends were enjoying a friendly conversation
when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was
the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest
psychological techniques - visualization, association -
it made a huge difference for me."

"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?",
his friend asked.

Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't
remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he
asked,

"What do you call that red flower with the long stem and
  thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!" Fred turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was
the name of that clinic again?"

Lying

In a psychiatrist's waiting room two patients are being
asked by a doctor.

The doctor asks the other, "Who are you?"

Patient #1 answers, "I'm Napoleon the Great!

The Doctor is curious and asks, "How do you know that
you're Napoleon?"

Patient #1 responds, "God told me I was."

At this point, patient #2 on the other side of the couch
shouts, "HE'S LYING, I NEVER TOLD HIM THAT!"

Male Bashing

Q. How do we know that fairy tales are fiction?
A. Because the prince is always smart, handsome, single, and straight.

---------------------

Q. Why do women get married?
A. Lack of experience.

Q. Why do divorced women get married again?
A. Lack of memory.

---------------------

Men are like junk food. After you've had your fill of them, you realize
they're not very satisfying.

---------------------

Q. What's the difference between a man and a dog?
A. The dog listens and obeys.

---------------------

Easy (adj.): A word men use to describe a woman who has the
morals of a man.

---------------------

Q. How can a woman find out what life is like without a man around?
A. Get married.

---------------------

Q. How are men like Beanie Babies?
A. They're cheap, their heads are soft, and the really cute ones
are hard to find.

---------------------

Q. What's the most effective birth control method for men?
A. Their manners.

---------------------

Q. Why can't men do laundry?
A. Nobody's invented a remote control for washing machines yet.

A Woman's Prayer:

Dear Lord, I pray for:
Wisdom, To understand a man
Love, To forgive him and
Patience, For his moods
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength
I could just beat him to death.

Renowned Philosopher

A renowned philosopher was held in high regard by
his driver, who listened in awe at every speech while
his boss would easily answer questions about
morality and ethics.

Then one day the driver approached the philosopher
and asked if he was willing to switch roles for the
evening's lecture.

The philosopher agreed and, for a while, the driver
handled himself remarkably well.

When it came time for questions from the guests,
a woman in the back asked, "Is the epistemological
view of the universe still valid in an existentialist world?"

"That is an extremely simple question," he responded.
"So simple, in fact, that even my driver could answer
that, which is exactly what he will do."

Dear Tide Company

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have!
I've used it all through my married life, as my Mom always
told me it was the best.

Now that I am in my fifties, I find it even better! In fact,
about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new
white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started
to berate me about how clumsy I was, and generally started
becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and
somehow I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse.
I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it
just wouldn't come out.

After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle
of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise
and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!

In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came
by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were
negative and then my attorney called and said that I would
no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of
my husband. What a relief!

Going through menopause is bad enough without being a
murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having such
a great product.

Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people too.

Marriage Test

I was happy.  My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year,
and so we decided to get married.  My parents helped us in every
way; my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend?  She was a
dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and
that one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight
mini-skirts and low cut blouses.  She would regularly bend down
when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her
underwear.  It had to be deliberate.  She never did it when she
was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check
the wedding invitations.  She was alone when I arrived.  She
whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had
feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and
didn't really want to overcome.  She told me that she wanted
to make love to me just once before I got married and
committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.  She said,
"I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to
go ahead with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned.  I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up
the stairs.  When she reached the top she pulled down her
panties and threw them down the stairs at me.  I stood there
for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door.
I opened the door and stepped out of the house.  I walked
straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside.  With tears in
his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that
you have passed our little test.  We couldn't ask for better
man for our daughter.  Welcome to the family!"

The moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car. Always!

Proper use of the preposition

A gentleman wanders around the campus of a college
looking for the library. He approaches a student and
asked, "Excuse me young man. Would you be good
enough and tell me where the library is at?"

The student, in a very arrogant and belittling tone,
replied, "I sorry, sir, but at this school, we are taught
never to end a sentence with a preposition!"

The gentleman smiled, and in a very apologetic tone
replied, "I beg your pardon. Please allow me to
rephrase my question. Would you be good enough to
tell me where the library is at, asshole?"

a noise in the engine

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped,
turned around and returned to the gate.

After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant,
"What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the
engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took
us a while to find a new pilot."


Who is the best?

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI,
and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best
at apprehending criminals.

The President decides to give them a test. He releases
a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout
the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses.
After three months of extensive investigations they conclude
that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn
the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and
they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with
a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling:
"Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

What happened in Texas?

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a
drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of
picking on newcomers. When he finished, he found his horse
had been stolen.

He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the
air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires
a shot into the ceiling. "Who stole my horse?" he yelled with
surprising forcefulness. 

No one answered. 

"I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain't back
outside by the time I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I dun
back in Texas and I don't want to have to do what I dun back
in Texas!" 

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. 

He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back!
He saddled up and started to ride out of town. 

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say
partner, what happened in Texas?" 

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home!"

Appropriate reporting?

A cub reporter for a small town newspaper was sent out on
his first assignment. He submitted the following report to his
editor.

"Mrs. Smith was injured in a car accident today. She is
recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her breasts."

The Editor scolded the new reporter, "This is a family paper.
We don't use words like breasts around here. Now go back
and write something more appropiate!"

The young reporter thought long and hard. Finally he handed
the Editor the following report.

"Mrs. Smith was injured in a car accident today. She is
recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on
her ( . )( . ) "

Interesting Proposition?

Smith was seated comfortably in his living room one evening
when a rock crashed through the window and landed at his feet,
amidst a shower of splintered glass. To the rock was attached
a note: "Unless you pay us $10,000 according to instructions,
we will kidnap your wife."

After some thought, Smith sat down at his desk and penned a
reply:

"Gentlemen:

"Your rock of this date has been received. I don't have $10,000
at this time. However, keep in touch, as your proposition
interests me.

"J. Smith"

Advance pill

A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package
basic knowledge in pill form. A student, needing some learning,
goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills
are available. The pharmacist says "Here's a pill for English
literature."

The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new
knowledge about English literature!

"What else do you have?" asks the student.

"Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history,"
replies the pharmacist.

The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new
knowledge about those subjects.

Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?"

The pharmacist says "Wait just a moment", and goes back
into the storeroom and brings back a very large pill and
plunks it on the counter.

"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student.

The pharmacist replied "Well, you know ... math always was a
little hard to swallow."

Last Payment

Today my baby girl's 18th birthday. I be so glad that this be
my last child support payment!

Month after month, year after year, all those damn payments!

So I call my baby girl, LaKeesha, to come to my house, and
when she get there, I say, "Baby girl, I want you to take this
check over to yo momma house and tell her this be the last
check she ever be gettin' from me, and I want you to come
back and tell me the 'spression on yo momma's face."

So my baby girl she take the check over to her. I be anxious
to hear what she say and what she look like.

Baby girl walk through the door, I say, "Now what yo momma
say 'bout that?"

She say to tell you that "you ain't my daddy" .... and watch
the 'spression on yo face.

Job Application

A man goes into the unemployment office in Los Angeles
to look at job openings on the bulletin board.

Since there aren't many jobs, it doesn't take him long.
Then, just as he's on his way out, he spots something.

"Wanted," it says, "Single man, willing to travel, must have
own scissors. $500 per day, guaranteed, plus company
car and all expenses. Reference number E/784/B46"

Well, it sounds a bit too good to be true, but he
makes a note and walks up to the counter.

"I'd like to apply for this job," he says, "reference
number E/784/B46."

"Oh, that one," says the clerk. "It's a model agency right
here in Los Angeles. They're looking for a pubic hair snipper.

The agency supplies girls who model underwear and bathing
suits. Before they go on the catwalk, they'd report to you
and you would inspect them carefully and snip off any wisps
of pubic hair showing. It pays well, but there are a few drawbacks.

It involves quite a lot of travel. The Bahamas, Tahiti, Paris,
London... that sort of thing... and you have to get used to
expense account living in first-class hotels."

"I reckon I could learn to live with all that," says the fellow.
"I'd really like to apply for the job."

The clerk shrugs and says, "OK, here's an application form,
and a bus ticket to Fresno."

"Fresno? What do I wanna go to Fresno for?"

"Well," says the clerk, "that's where the end of the application
line is at the moment!"

(for those of you who don't know, Fresno is in central
California in the San Joaquin Valley about 200 miles
north of Los Angeles)

Child Custody

The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of
West Virginia. An old mountaineer and his young wife were
getting a divorce in the local court. But custody of the
children was a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that
since she had brought the children into this world, she should
retain custody of them.

The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children. The
judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long moment
of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and
replied, "Judge, when I put a dollar in a candy machine and a
candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"

She must be a blonde?

A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says
that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams
in agony.

She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and
screams.

Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

"No," she says, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."

The Genie

A husband and wife head out to the golf course to play golf
together for the first time.

Things are going pretty well until they reach the 7th hole.
The tee shot is across a pond to a tight fairway. Ray
senses trouble when he sees the big house sitting right
next to the fairway on the right side - right where Debra's
slice might take her ball.

Sure enough, Debra hits her tee shot and the ball curves
straight for the house. It crosses into the backyard and
crashes through a big picture window.

Ray and Debra both cringe. "I'm so sorry!" Debra exclaimed.
"Don't worry about," Ray said, "we'll just have to go up that
house, find the owner, apologize, and see how much that
window is going to cost us."

So they walk over to the house, find its front door, and knock.
A deep, soothing voice replied, "Come on in."

When they open the door, the damage caused by Debra's
errant shot was obvious. Glass was all over the floor, and
a broken antique bottle lay on its side near the smashed
window.

A man was reclining on the couch. "Are you the people
who broke my window?" he asked.

"Yes, sir. We're very sorry about that," Ray replied.

"Oh, no apology necessary!" the man exclaimed. "I owe
you a huge 'thank you.' You see, I'm a genie, and I've
been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. When
your golf ball broke the bottle, I finally was set free! Now
that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes.
What are your wishes?"

"Wow, this is amazing!" Ray said. He thought for a moment,
then blurted out, "I want $10 million a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can
do. And I'll even guarantee you a long, healthy life! Now, what's
the second wish?"

Debra jumped in: "I'd like to own a huge, gorgeous mansion in
every country in the world, each one complete with servants!
And all bills paid!"

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always
be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!

"You have one wish left," the genie continued, "but I want to ask
you a favor. I've been trapped in that bottle for so long ... would
you mind allowing me to make the final wish?"

Ray and Debra both were quick to say yes. After all, their future
was more than secure. "What is your wish, genie?" Ray asked him.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been
with a woman in more than a thousand years," the genie said
to Ray, "my wish is to have sex with your wife."

Ray and Debra looked at each other, and whispered back-and
forth for a few seconds. Ray asked Debra what she thought.

"You know, considering our good fortune today, all thanks to
this genie, I guess it would be OK. But would you mind, Ray?"

"You know I love you, honey," Ray replied. "I'd do the same for you."

So Debra and the genie went upstairs. Ray waited downstairs
while the pair spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each
other's company.

After about three hours of non-stop action, the genie rolled over.
Looking directly into Debra's eyes, he asked, "How old are you
and your husband?"

"We're both 35," Debra responded breathlessly.

"No kidding. That's interesting," the genie said. "Thirty-five years old,
and both of you still believe in genies?"

FAST THINKING OLD MEN

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several
years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice: picnic
tables, horseshoe courts, a volleyball court, and some apple
and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed
up for swimming.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond
and look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He
grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and
laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a
bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He
made the women aware of his presence and they all
went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming
out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch
you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond
naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Old men can still think fast.

Gentlemen

The headwaiter of the five-star, elegant restaurant recoiled
in disgust as a man in muddy hipwader boots, frayed and
torn jeans, dirty leather jacket, long, stringy dirty hair, and
a beard with flecks of long ago food marched right towards
him. The man said, "Yo, bucko, where's your toilet?"

The headwaiter calmly replied, "Go down the hall and turn
left. When you see the sign marked 'Gentlemen', pay
absolutely no attention to it and just go right inside!"

The Parrot

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner
points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says:

"The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars".
"Why does the parrot cost so much?" the customer asks.

The owner says, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."
The customer asks about the next parrot and is told "That one
costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot
can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system."

Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third
parrot and is told "That one costs 2,000 dollars."

Needless to say this begs the question "What can IT do?"

To which the owner replies "To be honest I have never seen it
do a thing but the other two call him boss!"

The Letter

A college student wrote a letter home,

"Dear folks,
I feel miserable because I have to keep writing for money. I
feel ashamed and unhappy to have to ask for another hundred,
but every cell in my body rebels. I beg on bended knees that
you forgive me.

Your son, Marvin.
P.S.  I felt so terrible I ran after the mailman who picked this
up in the box at the corner. I wanted to take this letter and
burn it. I prayed that I could get it  back. But it was too
late."

A few days later he received a letter from his father. It said,
"Your prayers were answered. Your letter never came!"

Mixed Family

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and
said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am
getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives
a block away and her name is Susan.

After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to
talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have
been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother,
but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom,
so I used to fool around with women a lot."

"Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't
marry her." George was brokenhearted.

After eight months he eventually started dating girls again.
A year later he came home and very proudly announced,
"Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his
father insisted on another private conversation and broke
the sad news. "Diane is your half sister too, George."

"I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid! He finally
decided to go to his mother with the news his father had
shared.

"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to
get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love,
Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."

"Hee hee," his mother chuckled, shaking her head,
"Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not
really your father."

Who broke down the walls of Jericho?

The visiting church school supervisor asks little Johnny during
Bible class who broke down the walls of Jericho. Little Johnny
replies that he does not know, that, it definitely was not him.

The supervisor, taken aback by this lack of basic Bible
knowledge goes to the school principal and relates the whole
incident.

The principal replies that he knows little Johnny as well as
his whole family very well and can vouch for them, if little
Johnny said that he did not do it, he as principal is satisfied
that it is the truth.

Even more appalled the inspector goes to the regional Head of
Education and relates the whole story.

After listening he replies: "I cannot see why you are making
such a big issue out of this; we will get three quotations from
our contractors and fix the damned wall."

The new priest

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he
asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions.  The new priest
hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to
step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest,
and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this.
The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, "I see, yes,
go on, and I understand.  How did you feel about that?'"

The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old
priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better
than slapping your knee and swearing and saying " What
happened next?"

The new priest

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he
asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions.  The new priest
hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to
step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest,
and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this.
The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, "I see, yes,
go on, and I understand.  How did you feel about that?'"

The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old
priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better
than slapping your knee and swearing and saying " What
happened next?"

New enemies

A knight and his men return to their castle after a hard month
of riding.

"How are we faring?" his king asks.

"Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging
on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies
in the west."

"What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the
west!"

"Oh." replies the knight. "Well, you do now."


Good Deed

A man died and went to The Judgment. St. Peter met him at
the Gates of Heaven and said, "Before you meet with God, I
thought I should tell you -- we've looked at your life, and you
really didn't do anything particularly good or bad. We're not
at  all sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you
did that can help us make a decision?"

The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied,
"Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a woman who
was being harassed by a group of bikers. So I pulled over, got
out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the bikers. He
was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body
and a ring pierced through his nose. Well, I tore the nose ring
out of his nose, and told him he and his gang had better stop
bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!"

"I'm impressed," St. Peter responded, "When did this
happen?"

"About two minutes ago," came the reply.

The Milkman

Jon left for a two-day business trip to Chicago. He was only
a few blocks away from his house when he realized he'd left
his plane ticket on top of his dresser.

He turned around and headed back to the house. He quietly
entered the door, walked into the kitchen. He saw his wife
washing the breakfast dishes, wearing her skimpiest negligee.

She looked so good that he tiptoed up behind her, reached out,
and squeezed her buttocks.

"Leave only one quart of milk," she said. "Jon won't be here
for breakfast tomorrow."

Not Too Bright

Dork is not too bright, but he was very lucky. He paid
$1 for a lottery ticket, and he won $100,000.

So he went to the lottery office with the winning ticket to
claim his $100,000 prize.

Unfortunately, Dork didn't read the small print. The
lottery official explained that he would get $10,000 cash
today, and nine installments of $10,000 yearly.

'Dork was furious, thinking he was being cheated, and he
screamed at the official, "Look!!!  I want all my money right
now --  or give me back my dollar!"

Pretend

Although this married couple enjoyed their luxury fishing
boat together, it was the husband who was behind the
wheel  operating the boat. He was concerned about what
might happen in an emergency.

So one day out on the lake he said  to his wife, "Please
take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart
attack. You must get the boat safely to shore." So she
drove the boat to shore.

Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where
her husband was watching television. She sat down next to
him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, "Please go
into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack.
You must set the table, cook the dinner, and wash the
dishes."

Hilarious Signs Of The Times

1) A sign in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX,
FOR INSTANCE MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT
UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

2) Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

3) Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

4) Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB
OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

5) At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE
FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

6) Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

7) Hotel, Acapulco:
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER
SERVED HERE.

8) Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM
AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.

9) Sign in men's toilet in Japan:
TO STOP LEAK, TURN COCK TO THE RIGHT.

10) On the grounds of a private school:
NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.

11) In a restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.

12) A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.

13) In a maternity ward:
NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.

14) In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS
FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

15) Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO
OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

16) On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

17) In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

18) In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A
FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

19) Hotel room notice, Chiang Mai, Thailand:
PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM.

20) Hotel brochure, Italy:
THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE.
IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK
HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.

21) Hotel lobby, Bucharest:
THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING
THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.

22) Hotel elevator, Paris:
PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.

23) Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE
CHAMBERMAID.

24) In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian
Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE
FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS,
AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY

25) Hotel, Vienna:
IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE
HOTEL PORTER.

26) Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING
GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM,
IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR
THIS PURPOSE.

27) An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.

28) A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND
THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME..

29) Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

30) On the door of a Moscow hotel room (during Communist rule):
IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE
WELCOME TO IT.

A man named Fool

A minister was opening his mail one morning.  Drawing a
single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on
it only one word:  "FOOL".

The next Sunday he announced, "I have known many
people who have written letters and forgot to sign their
name.

"But this week I received a letter from someone who
signed his name and had forgotten to write a letter."

True Age

A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in 'Vegas.
She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims,
"What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"

A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down,
suggests, "I don't know... why don't you play your age?"

He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by
a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won!
He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through
the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table
operator kneeling over her.

The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all
right?"

The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money
on 29, and 39 came up. Then she just fainted!"

Foreign language

A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop
where two Englishmen are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen
Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says. The two Englishmen just
stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" The two continue to
stare. "Parlare Italiano?" No response, "Hablan ustedes
Espanol?" Still nothing. the Swiss guy drives off, extremely
disgusted.

The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Y'know,
maybe we should learn a foreign language...."

"Why?, What for?" says the other, "That bloke knew four
languages, and it didn't do him any good!"

The room

Judi was visiting town for the first time. She checks into
her hotel and the bellboy takes her bags. She follows the
boy, and as the door closes, she looks around and shakes
her fist at him.

"Young man -- I may be old, straight from the hills, but that
don't mean I'm stupid! I paid *good* money and this room
won't do at ALL! It's too small, no ventilation, no TV --
there's not even a BED!"

"Ma'am, we're still in the elevator."

Just once

A sales representative stops at a small manufacturing plant in
the Midwest. He presents a box of cigars to the manager as
a gift.   "No, thanks," says the plant manager.  "I tried
smoking a cigar once and I didn't like it."

The sales rep shows his display case and then, hoping to
clinch a sale, offers to take the manager out for martinis.
"No, thanks," the plant manager replies. "I tried alcohol once,
but didn't like it."

Then the salesman glances out the officer window and sees a
golf course. "I suppose you play golf,"  says the salesman.
"I'd like to invite you to be a guest at my club."

"No, thanks," the manager says. "I played golf once, but I
didn't like it." Just then  a young man enters the office.
"Let me introduce my son, Bill," says the plant manager.

"Let me guess," the salesman replies. "An only child?"

The monkey and the lizard

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a
lizard walks past.

The lizard looks up and says to the monkey "Hey!
What are you doing?"

The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and join
me, my cold-blooded friend."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey
and they smoke.

After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and
that he's going to get a drink from the river.

At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans
too far over and falls in.

A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned
lizard, helping him to the side.

He then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?!"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting
in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend.
He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he
was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from
the river, he fell in!

The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out.

He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the
monkey is sitting, finishing a joint.

He looks up and says "Hey, Monkey!"

The Monkey looks down and says "WHOAA, DUDE....
How much water did you drink?"

Friendly bear

On a military training exercise, the British divisional command
radio operators were getting very bored one quiet night, when
breaking the silence a voice asked over the air, "Are there any
friendly bears listening?"

After a moment, another voice replied, "Yes, I'm a friendly
bear," and then another voice, "I'm a friendly bear too!"

At this point, the Officer at Headquarters grabbed his
microphone and let loose a blistering tirade at the operators
for fooling around on an radio link. When he had finished,
there was silence for about ten seconds.

Then a small voice said, "You're not a very friendly bear, are
you?"

Loyalty oath

An old lady had always wanted to travel abroad. Now that she
was getting on in years, she thought she would really like to
do so before she died.

But until now, she'd never even been out of the country. So she
began by going in person to the Passport Office and asking
how long it would take to have one issued.

"You must take the loyalty oath first," responded the passport
clerk. "Raise your right hand, please."

The old gal raised her right hand.

"Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States
against all its enemies, domestic or foreign?" was the first
question.

The little old lady's face paled and her voice trembled as she
asked in a small voice, "Uhhh . . . all by myself?"

Did I Read That Sign Correctly?

In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER..... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL
YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT
AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES,
ETC. ! WHY NOT BRING YOUR SPOUSE ALONG AND GET A
WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT,
THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR
FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

The Skydiving Redneck!

A redneck wanted to learn how to sky dive. He got an
instructor and started lessons.

The instructor told the redneck to jump out of the
plane and pull his rip cord. The instructor then
explained that he himself would jump out right behind
him so that they would go down together. The redneck
understood and was ready.

The time came to have the redneck jump from the
airplane. The instructor reminded the redneck that he
would be right behind him.

The redneck proceeded to jump from the plane and after
being in the air for a few seconds pulled the rip
cord.

The instructor followed by jumping from the plane. The
instructor pulled his rip cord but the parachute did
not open. The instructor, frantically trying to get
his parachute open, darted past the redneck.

The redneck, seeing this, yelled as he undid the
straps to his parachute, "So you wanna race, eh?"

Hot bath

Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath. Just as he became
comfortable, the doorbell rang. The man got out of the tub,
put on his slippers and robe, and went to the door.

A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any
brushes. Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.

The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and robe,
and the man started for the door again. He took one step,
slipped on a wet spot, fell backward, and hit his back
against the hard porcelain bathtub.

Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street
clothes and, with every move a stab of pain, drove to the
doctor.

After examining him, the doctor said, "You know, you've
been lucky. Nothing is broken. But you need to relax.
Why don't you go home and take a long hot bath?"

Mystery play

A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far
from the stage.

He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery play, and I have
to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give
you a handsome tip."

The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands
the usher a quarter. Yep. 25 cents.

The usher looks at the quarter in his hand, leans over and
whispers, "The butler did it."

Never lied

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon
a group of a few boys about 10 years of age, surrounding a
dog. Concerned that the boys were hurting the animal, he
went over and asked them what they were doing.

One of the boys replied, "This dog is an old neighborhood
stray. We take him home with us sometimes, but only one of
us can take him home. So we're having a contest: whichever
one of us tells the biggest lie can take him home today."

Of course, the Reverend was shocked. "You boys shouldn't be
having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched
into a 10-minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you
boys know it's a sin to lie?" and ending with, "Why, when I
was your age, I never told a lie."

There was complete silence for about a minute. As the
Reverend smiled with satisfaction that he'd gotten through to
them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh. "All right," he said,
"give him the dog."

First aid lesson

"How come you're late?" the bartender asks the waitress
as she walks in the door.

"It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm street
and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the
middle of the street; he was thrown from his car. His leg was
broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood
everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course; all my
training came back to me in a minute."

"What did you do?" asks the bartender.

"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from
fainting!"

Insurance policy

John's barn burned down and his wife, Sandy, called the
insurance company.

Sandy spoke to the insurance agent and said, "We had
that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money."

The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute. Insurance
doesn't work quite like that. An independent adjuster will
assess the value of what was insured, and then we'll provide
you with a new barn of similar worth."

There was a long pause, and then Sandy replied, "If that's
how it works, cancel the life insurance policy on my husband!"

The potato sacks

My grandfather worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a
boy, and he used to tell me, when I was a little boy myself,
how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the rigors
of blacksmithing.

One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder
muscles. He said he would stand outside behind the house
and, with a 5-pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms
straight out to his sides and hold them there as long as he
could.

After awhile he tried 10-pound potato sacks, then 50-pound
potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a
100-pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms
straight out for more than a full minute!

Next, he started putting potatoes in the sacks.

A quickie

John and Marsha decided that the only way to pull off
a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son
in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony
and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan
nto operation:

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot" he shouted.

A few moments passed! "An ambulance just drove by!"

A few moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have
company" he called out. "Matt is riding a new bike."

"The Coopers are having sex!!" Startled, Mother and Dad
shot up in bed!!!

Dad cautiously asked "How do you know they are having sex??"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing out on his balcony too."

write God a letter

A little boy wanted $100 very badly
and prayed for weeks, but nothing
happened. He decided to write God
a letter requesting the $100. When
the postal authorities received the l
etter addressed to God, Canada,
they decided to send it to the Prime
Minister.

Paul Martin was so amused that he
instructed his secretary to send the
little boy a $5 bill.  Martin thought
this would appear to be a lot of
money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the
$5 bill and sat down to write a
thank-you note to God, which read:

"Dear God:  Thank you very much
for sending the money, however, I
noticed that for some reason you
sent it through Ottawa, and they
deducted $95 in taxes!"


Just love hearing it

A guy phones a law office and says: "I want to speak to my
lawyer." The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry but he died last
week."

The next day he phones again and asks the same question.
The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last
week."

The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his
lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little
annoyed and says, "I keep telling you that your lawyer died
last week. Why do you keep calling?"

The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it."

Every Wednesday?

The supervisor for the Union Of Road Construction Workers
called the meeting to order.

"Men -- we've agreed on a new deal with the state.  We'll no
longer have to work FOUR days a week!"

"HOOORAY!!!" the crowd cheered.

"We'll quit work at 4PM and not 5PM!"

"HOORAY!!!" the crowd roared.

"We don't have to be in until 11AM instead of 10AM!"

"HOORAY!!!" the crowd thundered.

"And now, even though 99% of the roads in the country are
blocked by orange barrels, we'll only have to work on
Wednesdays!!"

Silence.

A voice from the back of the room asks, "You mean, EVERY
Wednesday?"

Miracle gasoline

A young nun who worked for a local home health care agency
was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas.

As luck would have it, there was a gas station just one block
away. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough
gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up. The
attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he owned
had just been loaned out.

The nun walked back to her car.

After looking through her car for something to carry to the station
to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient.
Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with
gasoline, and carried it back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car two men
watched her from across the street.

One of them turned to the other and said: "I know that it is
said that Jesus turned water into wine, but if that car starts,
I'll become a Catholic for the rest of my life!"

A LETTER FROM A FARM KID, NOW A SAN DIEGO
MARINE CORPS RECRUIT


Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the
Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell
them to join up quick before all of the places are filled. I was
restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m.
but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all
you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some
things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to
split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is
not so bad, there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs,
bacon, etc. but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak,
fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and
Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee.
Their food plus yours holds you til noon when you get fed again.
It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route
marches", which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to
harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different.

A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then
the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The
country is nice but awful flat The sergeant is like a school teacher.
He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and
colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting
medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as
big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at
you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there
all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges.
They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You
get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though,
they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home.
I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from
over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same
time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and
near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers
get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

World records...

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking
one day.

Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most
beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."

Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person
in the world."

They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to
have their claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously
happy. "It's official; I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am officially
the smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and
simply stated, "Who the hell is Camilla Parker Bowles?"

Getting a divorce in heaven

On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car
accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates
waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they
begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When
St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This
is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited for an answer...

...for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to
get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with
the eternal aspect of it all.

"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered,
"Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns,
looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple,
"you CAN get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if
things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to
find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take
me to find a lawyer?

Some good ones here.... Actual answer machine messages

1. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll
leave your name and number we'll get back to you as soon as
we're finished.

2. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why
we're not here. So leave a message.

3. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent
the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you
are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female,
don't worry I have plenty of money.

4. Hi. Now you say something.

5. Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so
you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

6. Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?

7. (From Japanese friend): He-lo! This is Sa-to, If you leave
message, I call you soon. If you leave "sexy" message I
call sooner!

8. Hi. John's answering machine is broken. This is the refrigerator.
Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself
with one of these magnets.

9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving
messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub,
and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their
office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me,
leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

11. Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

12. If you are a burglar, then we're probably home cleaning our
weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we
probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.

13. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to
remain silent. Everything! you say will be recorded and will be
used by us.

14. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the
phone right now because we're doing something we really enjoy.
Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...
real slow.... So leave a message, and when we get done brushing
our teeth we'll get back to you.

Duck Call and the Catfish Bait

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her
grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so
she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart
associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says,
"Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?

He says ,"Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it
on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know
about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a
Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around
combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the
sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she
opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind.
At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is
no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who farted. Being
blind, he wouldn't know that she was only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you
tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the
Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.

A Juggling Act

A Pennsylvania State Trooper pulled a car over. When the
Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver
answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was
on his way to do a show that night at the Circus and didn't
want to be late.

The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling,
and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he
wouldn't give him a ticket.

The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment
on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Trooper told
him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and
asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares,
lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind
the patrol car. A drunk got out and watched the performance
briefly. He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear
door and got in.

The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol
car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was
doing.

The drunk replied, "You might as well take me to jail, 'cause
there's no way in hell I can pass that test."

Annoy those pesky telemarketers!

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just
filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, 'How are you today?' say,
'Why do you want to know?' Alternately, you can tell them,
'I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems
to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting
up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...' When they
try to get to the sell, just keep talking about your problems.

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask
them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the
company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue
asking them personal questions or questions about their
company for as long as necessary.

4. Cry out in surprise, 'Judy! Is that you? Oh my! Judy,
how have you been?' Hopefully, this will give Judy a few
brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where
she could know you from.

5. Say 'No' over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of
each one and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they
are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it
until they hang up.

6. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to
marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that
you could not just give your credit card number to a
complete stranger.

7. Tell the telemarketer that you work for the same
company, they often can't sell to employees.

8. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

9. Ask them to fax the information to you,
and make up a number.

10. Ask the telemarketer if they use the product they
are trying to sell. If they do, ask for a complete report.
If they don't, ask them why not since it is such a
great product.

11. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon,
playing a joke. 'Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously,
Leon, how's your momma?'

12. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need
to speak up ...louder...louder...louder...

13. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want
to write EVERY WORD down.

Good Point

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits
and exhaustive lab test, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking
him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?"
"Oh no", I replied. "I've never done either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, I heard that all red meat is very unhealthy."

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf / sailing /
ballooning / motorcycling / rock climbing?" "No I don't", I said.

He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?"
"No", I said. "I have never done any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you care if you live to be 80?"

BUBBA APPLIES FOR WORK

Bubba applied for an engineering position at a refinery.
A Yankee applied for the same job and both applicants
having the same qualifications were asked to take a test
by the manager. Upon completion of the test, both men
only missed one of the questions. The manager went to
Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest, but we've
decided to give the Yankee the job."

Bubba asked: "And why are you giving him the job? We
both got nine questions correct. This being Louisiana,
and me being a Southern boy, I should get the job!"

The manager said: "We have made our decision not on the
correct answers, but rather on the one question that you
both missed."

Bubba then asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer
be better than the other?"

The manager replied: "Bubba, its like this. On question #4 the
Yankee put down; "I don't know." You put down, "Neither do I."

SIGNS

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************

At a Proctologist's door
"To expedite your visit please back in."
**************************

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
**************************

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
************ **************

At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."
**************************

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
**************************

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet --
miss a car payment."
**************************

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************

Creation story

On the first day of creation, God created the dog.

On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.

On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth
(especially the horse) to serve as potential food for the dog.

On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man
could labor for the good of the dog.

On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog
might or might not retrieve it.

On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep
the dog healthy and the man broke.

On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.

Two little kids in a hospital

Two little kids are in a hospital,
lying on stretchers next to each
other, outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks,
"What are you in here for? "The
second kid says, "I'm in here  to
get my tonsils out and I'm a little
nervous. The first kid says,
"You've got nothing to worry
about. I had that done when
I was four. They put you to sleep,
and when you wake up they give
you lots of Jell-o and ice cream. It's
a breeze."

The second kid then asks,
"What are you here for?

The 1st kid says, "A circumcision."

The second kid replies, "Whoa, Good
luck buddy!

I had that done when I was born..........................

Couldn't walk for a year!!!"


death of his father

The applicant for life insurance was finding it difficult to fill out
the application. The salesman asked what the trouble was,
and the man said that he couldn't answer the question about
the cause of death of his father.

The salesman wanted to know why. After some embarrassment
the client explained that his father had been hanged.

The salesman pondered for a moment. "Just write: 'Father was
taking part in a public function when the platform gave way.'"


Unused

A wife comes home early from work one day only to find
her husband in bed with a strange woman.

"That's it!" she screams at him, "I'm leaving you and never
coming back."

The husband says, "Don't you at least want to hear my
explanation?"

She shrugs and says, "Fine, let's hear your story. But this
won't do you any good!"

He says, "Well, I'm driving along the street, when I see this
young lady in torn clothes, no shoes, all muddy and crying.

I took pity on her and asked if she would like to get cleaned
up in my house.

She climbed into my truck and I brought her home.

She took a shower and I gave her the underwear that doesn't fit
you anymore, the silk blouse and slacks that I bought you two
years ago that you wore once, the $150 Nike running shoes you
bought and wore only twice. I even gave her some of the roast
beef you had in the fridge, that you never touched last night..

Then I showed her to the door. She was so grateful for all these
things she thanked me profusely. But then, just as she was about
to leave, she turned around and asked me...,"Is there anything
else your wife doesn't use anymore?"

The Wife's Appendix!

A man phoned his doctor late at night saying his wife
appeared to have appendicitis.

"That's impossible," the physician replied, peeved at
being awakened. "She had an appendectomy last year.
Don't be stupid. Have you ever seen anybody growing
a second appendix?"

"No, you jerk!," the husband replied. "Have you ever
seen anybody with a second wife?

THE GOLFER AT THE DENTIST

A golfer and his wife rushed into a dentist's office.

The man said to the dentist, "Doctor, I'm in one big hurry!
I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to
go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull
the tooth and be done with it. I don't have time to wait for
the anesthetic to work!"

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness! this sure is
a very brave man, asking me to pull his tooth without using
anything to kill the pain."

So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth,
Honey, and show the doctor which tooth hurts."

Three Beers

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks
into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender
raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which
he drinks quietly at a table, alone.

An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders
three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man
gain orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times.
Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders
Three Beers.

Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on
behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here
are wondering why you always order three beers."

"'Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies. "You see, I have two brothers,
and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised
each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever
we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."

The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer,
and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local
celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent
that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers.
The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for
the rest of the evening - he orders only two beers. Word flies
around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here,
me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of
your brother. You know -- the two beers and all..."

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy
to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I,
meself, have decided to give up drinking."

Close your eyes

Once there was a priest who was walking towards town.

While on his way, he saw a pretty country girl about to
bathe in the river.

The girl took off her shirt.

The priest prayed "God, please close my eyes."

Then, the girl took off her skirt.

The priest prayed "God, please close my eyes."

After a while, the girl was totaly naked.

The priest prayed like he never prayed before,
"God, please close your eyes."

Now I know where...

A rather senile old lady went to her doctor complaining of
draining and a feeling of fullness in her ear. After the
examination, the doctor initiated a conversation that went
as follows:

D: Why madam, I think you have a suppository in your ear.

L: ?eh?

D: Madam - You have a SUPPOSITORY in your EAR!

L: ??EH??

D: (shouting) --IN YOUR EAR! -- A SUPPOSITORY!!!

L: Oh, thank Goodness - now I know where I put my hearing aid....

pay for themselves

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with
those expensive, double-pane, energy efficient kind.
But this week, I got a call from the contractor complaining
that his work had been completed a whole year and I had
yet to pay for them!

Boy, oh boy, did we go around! Just because I'm blonde
doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I
proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy
had told me last year... that in one year the windows would
pay for themselves.

There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just
hung up, and he hasn't called back. Guess he felt really
stupid, huh???


SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour
a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The
blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by
getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the little woman about lifting the toilet
seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and
bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your
veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent
you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the
snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives,
then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer
and you will forget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life
really are...

You only need two tools:
WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Remember:

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another
chance.

And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you
never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.


Funny Bumper stickers
  • Work harder, Millions on welfare depend on you!
  • Cant feed 'em? Don't breed 'em
  • Gun Control means using both hands
  • 4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions
  • Dont steal, the government hates competition
  • Politicians and diapers need to be changed for the same reason
  • Driver carries no cash, HE'S MARRIED
  • IF money is the root of all evil, why do churches beg for it.
  • Wife and dog missing, reward for dog
  • Be nice to your kids they'll choose your nursing home
  • It's not how you pick your nose but where you put the booger
  • Who's the president? the answer is a no-brainer
  • The more people i meet, the more i like my dog.

Some one-liners to make you laugh

1. My wife and I divorced over religious differences. She
thought she was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning
medicine.
13. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
17. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
18. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
19. Procrastinate Now!
20. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

Disorder in the Courts

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts,
and are things people actually said in court, word for word,
taken down and now published by court reporters who had
the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were
actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to
you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
___________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have
you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
doing an autopsy on him!
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,
did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was
alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.

The crossword puzzle

The archbishop was sitting in his study, figuring a crossword
puzzle. His colleague asked, "How are you doing?"

"Well," answered the archbishop, "I've almost finished it,
but I'm stuck with just one word. What's a four-letter
word meaning 'a female' and ending in u-n-t?"

"Why," came the answer, "the word is 'aunt.'"

Oh yes, that's right!" replied the archbishop, "Lend me
your eraser."

Error Messages

Here are 14 actual error messages seen on computer screens in
Japan, where some are written in Haiku. Aren't these better than
" your computer has performed an illegal operation "?

1. The Web site you seek cannot be located, but countless more exist.
2. Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return.
3. Program aborting: Close all that you have worked on. You ask far
too much.
4. Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears
your screams.
5. Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that.
6. Your file was so big. It might be very useful. But now it is gone.
7. Stay the patient course. Of little worth is your ire. The network is down.
8. A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone.
9. Three things are certai! n: Death, taxes and lost data. Guess which
has occurred?
10. You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. This page is
not here.
11. Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, but we never will.
12. Having been erased, the document you're seeking must now be
retyped.
13. Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared.
14. Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

Cat incest

A woman telephoned a veterinarian and asked him to
come examine her cat.

"I don't know what's wrong with her," the woman told
him. "She looks as if she's going to have kittens, but
that's impossible. She's never been out of the house
except for when I had her on a leash."

The vet examined the cat and said there was no question
about her pregnancy.

"But she can't be," protested the woman. "It's impossible."

At that point a large tom cat emerged from under the sofa.

"How about him?" asked the vet.

"Don't be silly," answered the woman. "That's her brother."

The poodle and the leopard

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa,
taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the
company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long,
Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she
notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the
intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately
settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the
approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old
poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard!
I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike,
a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle
nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene
from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use
and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but
the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed,
and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans
and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard
is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop
on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey
on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead
of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers,
pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get
close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that damn
monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"


Moral of this story.

Don't mess with old people ... age and treachery will always
overcome youth and skill! B-S and brilliance only come with
age and experience!

Cooking

MONDAY:
It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake.
The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors
were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

TUESDAY:
Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve
without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when
Bob brought a friend home for supper.

WEDNESDAY:
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before
steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath.
I can't say it improved the rice any.

THURSDAY:
Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It
said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one
hour before serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me
why I was rolling around in the garden.

FRIDAY:
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients
on bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong
with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same
as when I left.

SATURDAY:
Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken.
He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some
reason Bob keeps counting to ten.

SUNDAY:
Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I
could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.
I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for
roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY.
This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow
to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could
just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose.

45th wedding anniversary

A married couple in their 60s were out celebrating their 45th
wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table
and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and
for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant
you each a wish."

"Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling
husband" said the wife.

The fairy moved her magic stick and -- abracadabra! --
two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her
hands.

Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment
and said: "Well this is all very romantic, but an opportunity
like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I'm sorry my
love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than
me."

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a
wish is a wish... So the fairy made a circle with her magic
stick and - abracadabra! -- the husband became 96 years old.

The moral of this story...
Men might be ungrateful idiots...
But fairies are female...

The Fishing Trip

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have
been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada
with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone
for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that
promotion I've wanted so would you please pack me
enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and
tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing
by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my
new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good
wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following
weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking
good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught
many fish? He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Bluegill,
and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk
pajamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replies, "I did. They were in your tackle box!"

Cough cure

A fellow with a bad cough comes in to the pharmacy,
walks up to the counter and asks for the pharmacist.
A young clerk tells him that the pharmacist is not
available. The man asks the young clerk if he can
recommend anything for his cough.

The clerk gives him a bottle of some medicine for his
cough. The customer takes a big swig, then after a
few minutes, with no apparent relief, he takes another,
and another.

In a short while, the pharmacist returns, and sees his
old friend, the customer with the cough, sitting quietly
in a booth near the soda fountain. He says to his clerk
that the fellow has never before stopped at the soda
fountain.

The clerk proudly tells the pharmacist the story of his
transaction. The pharmacist looks at the recommended
medication and angrily reprimands the clerk for
recommending a laxative, instead of cough syrup.

The clerk reminds the pharmacist the whatever the mode,
the medication was effective. "Now, he's afraid to cough!"

The Original Hollywood Squares

If you remember The Original Hollywood Squares and its comics.
These great questions and answers are from the days when
game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not
scripted and (often) dull as they are now. Peter Marshall was
the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you
think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if
he's married?
A Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next
apartment.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you
going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at
nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife
or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should
never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh

Another blonde joke?

A blonde lady motorist was two hours from San Diego when
she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to
San Diego?" "Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my
truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back
who have to be brought to the San Diego Zoo. They're a
bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the
road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for
me? I'll give you fifty dollars for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat
of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat
belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the
heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!!

There was the blonde, walking down the street and holding
hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of the
crowd.

With a screech of brakes, he pulled off the road and ran
over to the blonde.

"What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I
gave you fifty dollars to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know, and I did take them to the zoo," said the
blonde, "but we had money left over so we went to the
movies!!!"

The Expert

A father walked into the market followed by his ten-year-old
son. The kid was spinning a quarter in the air and catching it
between his teeth. As they walked through the market,
someone bumped into the boy at just the wrong moment and
the coin went straight into his mouth and lodged in his throat.
He immediately started choking and going blue in the face,
and his Dad started panicking, shouting and screaming for help.

A middle-aged man in a gray suit was sitting at a coffee bar
in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of
coffee. At the sound of the commotion he looked up, put his
coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folded his newspaper
and placed it on the counter. He got up from his seat and
made his way nonchalantly across the market. Reaching the
boy, the man carefully took hold of the kid's gonads and
squeezed gently but firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulsed violently and coughed
up the quarter, which the man caught in his free hand.
Releasing the boy, the man gave the coin to the father and
walked back to his seat in the coffee bar without looking back.

As soon as he was sure that his son had suffered no lasting
ill effects, the father rushed over to the man and thanked
him profusely. The man looked embarrassed and brushed
off the father's thanks. "I've never seen anybody do anything
like that before, it was fantastic. What are you, a surgeon or
something like that?"

"Oh, good heavens no," the man replied. "I work for the IRS."

A golfing joke

One day, a man, who has been stranded on a desert island
for over ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.

"It's certainly not a ship", he thinks to himself. As the speck
gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities
of a small boat then, even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop-dead gorgeous
blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me.
How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replies the man.

With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket
on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long draw and says, "Oh
Dear Lord! Is that good!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a beer?"
she asks him.

Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years."

She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a cold
Tennents and hands it to him. He opens the beer, takes a
long swallow and says, "Lord Jesus, thank you, thank you!!"

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that
runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks,
"And how long has it been since you've played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs,
"Oh, sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!"

Learning Each Other

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and he decided he
wanted to marry her right away. She said, But we don't
know anything about each other.

He said, That's all right, we'll learn about each other as
we go along.

So she consented, and they were married, and went on
a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning they were laying by the pool, when he got
up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and
did a two and a half tuck gainer. This was followed by a
three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened
out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more
demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, That was incredible!

He said, I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see,
I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along.

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps.
After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down
on her towel hardly out of breath. He said, That was incredible!
Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?

No. she said, I was a hooker in Venice and I worked
both sides of the canal.

Why A Divorce?

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending
divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in
the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do
my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have
never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your
marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We
don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your
questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up
earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do
you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never
wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't
communicate with me!"

Lawyers

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed
him for ten million bucks. This bookkeeper is deaf. It was
considered an occupational benefit, and why he got the job
in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper
would not be able to hear anything he'd ever have to testify
about in court.

When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about
his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney,
who knows sign language. The Godfather asks the bookkeeper:
"Where is the $10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where
the $10 million dollar is hidden. The bookkeeper signs back:
"I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know
what you're talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to
the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if
you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in
a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin
Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to
pull the trigger."

Mathematics

This equation should be taught in all math classes!

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than
100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are
giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings
where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about
achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you
answer these questions:

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is
represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17
18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far butt kissing will take you.

B-U-T-T-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
2+21+20+20+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 151%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that
While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and
Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Butt kissing
that will put you over the top.

Redneck Engineers

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole,
looking up. A woman walked by and asked what they
were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole,"
said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a
few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape
measure from her pocket, took a measurement,
announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a
dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length."

Little Nancy

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole with dirt,
when her neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up
to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died, "replied Little Nancy, tearfully, without
looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor laughed and said, condesendingly, "That's
a really big hole for such a little goldfish, isn't it?"

Little Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt and then
replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."

A first kiss

At the end of their first date, a young man takes the girl
back to her home. Emboldened by the night, he decides
to try for that all-important first kiss. With an air of
confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and,
smiling, he says to her, "Darling, how 'bout a good night kiss?"

Embarrassed, she replies, "Oh, I couldn't do that. My
parents will see us!"

"Oh come one! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"

"No, please, I would just die of embarrassment if someone
saw us!"

"Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

"No way, it's just too risky!"

"Oh please, please, I like you so much!"

"No. I like you too, but I just can't."

"Oh yes you can Please?"

"No, no. I just can't."

"Pleeeeeeeese?"

Out of the blue, the porch light goes on and the girl's sister
shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled. In a sleepy voice
the sister says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss.
Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down and do it. But
for crying out loud, tell him to take his hand off the intercom
button!"

Last Present

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his
grandson to his bed. "Grandson I wanna you lisin
to me. I want for you to take my chrome plated
38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about
you leaving me your Rolex watch instead."

"You lisina to me, soma day you goin a be runna da
bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa
money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambino.
Soma day you goina coma home and maybe finda
you wife in bed with another man. What do you do
than? Point to your watch and say TIMES UP?"

Gathering Snails

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all
the major status figures in Rome, Italy.

The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything
to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she
didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her
husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was
handing him to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed.

He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps,
and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he
noticed a beautiful woman walking alongside the water just
a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself
"Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and
talk to me." He went back to gathering the snails.

All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was
standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited
him back to her place.

They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and
they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that
he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there.

At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed,
"Oh no! My wife's dinner party!"

He gathered all his clothes, put them on really quickly,
grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door.

He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran
up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that
when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket
of snails.

There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just
then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way
wondering where he's been all this time.

He looked at the snails on the steps, then he looked at her,
then back at the snails and said - "Come on guys, we're
almost there!"

Who is gambling?

A rabbi and his two friends, a priest and a minister, played
poker for small stakes once a week. The only problem was
that they lived in a very conservative blue-law town.

The sheriff raided their game and took all three before the
local judge.

After listening to the sheriff's story, the judge sternly inquired
of the priest:

"Were you gambling, Father?" The priest looked toward
heaven, whispered, "Oh, Lord, forgive me!" and then said
aloud: "No, your honor, I was not gambling."

"Were you gambling, Reverend?" the judge asked the
minister. The minister repeated the priest's actions and
said, "No, your honor, I was not."

Turning to the third clergyman, the judge asked:
"Were you gambling, Rabbi?"

The Rabbi eyed him coolly and replied. . . "With whom?"

Dumbest Kid in the World?

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber
whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest
kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two
quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and
asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes
the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid
never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the
same young boy coming out of the ice cream
store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question?
Why did you take the quarters instead of the
dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because
the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

Psychic's prediction

A frog decided to call the psychic hotline and see what
his future held for him.

The psychic says, "You will meet a very beautiful girl,
who will want to know everything about you."

"That's great !" said the frog. "Where will I meet her? At
a party, in the pond?"

The psychic hesitated, then responded, "You will meet her
next semester, in Zoology lab!"

Correct English

A kid and his mom were walking on the sidewalk in Dallas.
The kid, being 100% Texan, upon seeing some cowboys, said,
"Hey Maw, look at them thar men with them thar bowed laigs."

She said that if he didn't start speaking correct English,
she was going to send him to a Shakespearean English school.

A little further along, they saw some more cowboys. "Hey
maw! Look at them thar men with them thar bowed legs!"
he said.

So, true to her word, she sent him off to a Shakespearean
English school to learn correct English.

He came home several months later on vacation. As they
walked together down the sidewalk, they saw some cowboys.
"Hark!" he said, "What manner of men are these who wear
their legs in parentheses?"

REAL 911 CALLS

Caller: "I'd like to make a unanimous complaint so don't
use my name."

Caller: "Am I talking to a real person, or is this a recording?"

Caller: "We might (cough) need the fire department here (cough)."

Caller: "Is it okay for a civilian to take a person to the
hospital, or does the ambulance have to do it?"

Caller: (irate) "That's 'W' as in Williams and 'Y' as in why."

Caller: "He's not breathing!"
Operator: "Can you get the phone close to him?"
Caller: "WHY! You want to hear he's not breathing too?"

Operator: "Does she have any weapons?"
Caller: "Well, she has real long finger nails."

Caller: "No, she didn't just fall . . . I helped her!"

Complaint about a stolen mailbox:
Operator: "What is your address?"
Caller: "It's gone."

Stupidity is everywhere

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die.

A lady here died this past January, and Citibank billed her for
February and March for  their service charges on her credit card,
and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.
The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.
A family member placed a call to Citibank:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and
charges still apply."

Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report
her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

Citibank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you -
the part about her being dead?"

Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees
and charges still apply."

Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew."

Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given)

After they get the fax:

Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't
know what more I can do to help."

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great!
If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she
will care."

Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Citibank: "That might help."

Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129,
Plot Number 69."

Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?

The Sign

A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time
went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming
rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his
chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six
a day. So one day he called the sheriff's office and
said, "You've got to do something about all of these
people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about those drivers!"

So the next day he had the county workers go out and
erect a sign that said:

SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later the farmer called the sheriff and said,
"You've got to do something about these drivers. The
'school crossing' sign seems to make them go faster."

So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and
they put up a new sign:

SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY

And that really sped them up. So the farmer called and
called and called everyday for three weeks. Finally, he
asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Is it
all right for me to put up my own sign?"

The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign."
He was going to let the farmer do just about anything in
order to have him stop calling. Well, the sheriff got no
more calls from the farmer.

Three weeks after the farmers last call, the sheriff
decided to call him. "How's the problem with those drivers.
Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since
then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." And he hung up the
phone.

The sheriff thought to himself, "I'd better go to that
farmer's house and look at that sign... There might be
something there that WE could use to slow down drivers."

So the sheriff drove out to the farmer's house, and he saw
the sign. It was a whole sheet of plywood. And written in
large yellow letters were the words:

SLOW: NUDIST COLONY

Black Testicles

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an
oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial
sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my
testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know,
Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and
heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes
her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises
his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says,

"There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and
says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was
wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

parrot died

"Hello, Master Carlos? This is Arnaldo, your country house caretaker."

"Ah yes, Mr. Arnaldo. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died."

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the competition?"

"That's the one."

"Darn! That's such a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird.
Oh well...what did he die from?"

"From eating rotten meat."

"Rotten meat? Who was so mean as to give him meat?"

"Nobody. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."

"Dead horse? What dead horse, Mr. Arnaldo?"

"Why those pure breed ones that you had, sir. They died
from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house! A candle fell and then the curtain
caught on fire."

"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!!
What was the candle for???"

"For the funeral."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL???!!!!!"

"Your mother-in-law's! She showed up one night, out of the
blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new
Tiger Woods Nike Driver."

SILENCE....................

"Arnaldo, if you broke that driver, you are fired!"


computer novices!

--------------

TECH SUPPORT: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape
keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle
of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program
Manager."

CUSTOMER: "I don't have a 'P'".

TECH SUPPORT: "On your keyboard, Bob."

CUSTOMER: "What do you mean?"

TECH SUPPORT: " 'P' on your keyboard, Bob."

CUSTOMER: "I'm not going to do that!"
Why do you want me to pee on my keyboard?

---------------

A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her
printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under windows."
The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is
a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a
window and his printer is working fine."

YUMMY, WHO WOULD LIKE SOME THUMB SOUP

A patron stopped into a restaurant for lunch one day.
He looked over the menu, decided on a bacon-lettuce-tomato
sandwich and some split-pea soup. Yes, some nice hot
split-pea soup would be particularly good to warm him up
after being out in the cold all morning.

He gave his order to the waiter, and some time later, the
waiter brings out his soup. But the patron notices that the
waiter has one thumb in his soup. He start to make a complaint,
but then decides that he really was too hungry to make a fuss,
particularly since it took several minutes for the soup to be
delivered. And the soup did look wonderful, so he took a small
taste, and it really was quite delicious.

At the end of his meal, the customer decided to mention that
the food was excellent, except that he'd noticed that the waiter
had his thumb in the soup when he brought it to the table and
that was why he was only giving the waiter a five percent tip.

"OK," stated the waiter, matter of factly. "But last night I was
working in my basement putting together some bookshelves,
and the hammer slipped off the head of a nail and landed
right on my thumb."

"But what in heavens name does that have to do with your
putting your thumb in my soup?" asked the diner.

"Its like this," replied the waiter. "My thumb just throbs horribly
when it gets cold. I figured I could just dip it into that nice warm
soup and that would keep it from throbbing so much."

The diner can't believe what he's hearing. "Well, if you want to
keep your thumb warm, why don't you just stick it up your ass?"

"I do when I'm back in the kitchen," answered the waiter,
"but out here it just wouldn't look right.

Royal Trip

Queen Elizabeth and Prince Phillip are entertaining
the King and Queen of Tonga, during the visit they
accept a customary ride in the horse drawn cart
around the grounds of Sandringham Castle.

During the trip one of the horses farts and the sound
and smell carries all the way through the cart to the
royals. Embarrassed by this, the queen whispers in
Phillip's ear 'do you think I should mention that to our
guests?'. Phillip agrees saying 'yes, that would be
a good idea'.

So the queen leans over to the the King of Tonga
and says: 'please do excuse me, I'm very embarrassed
about that', to which the king of Tonga replies,
'that's ok ma'am, I thought it was the horse'.

Why it's important to maintain a good memory

Three old ornery grandmas were sitting on a bench outside
a nursing home. About then an old man walked by, and one
of the old grandmas says, "We bet we can tell how old you are."

The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it."

One of the ornery grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop
your undershorts and we can tell your exact age."

He did.

The grandmas stared at him for a while and then they all
piped up and said, "You're 84 years old!"

The old man was stunned. "Amazing! How did you guess
that?"

The ornery old grandmas, laughed. Slapping their knees
and grinning from ear to ear, all three happily yelled in
unison, "You told us yesterday!"

More on computer novices...

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key"
to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where
the "Any" key is.

2.. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her
mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned
out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. A Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer
to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the
technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper
by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the
"Send" key.

4. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his
keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his
bathtub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day,
then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

5. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was
enraged because his computer had told him he was "Bad and an
invalid." The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and
"invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

6. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing
documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it
"couldn't find printer." The user had also tried turning the
computer screen to face the printer-but that his computer still
couldn't "see" the printer.

Wrong word

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."

"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long
time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the
doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's
done, there's no going back. It will change your life
forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my
mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll
simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my
better judgment!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up
and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital
corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is
another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had
the same operation as me."

"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37
years of life that I would like to be circumcised."

Steve stared at him in horror and screamed,
"DANG! THAT'S the word!

Oh no!

The butcher is just locking up when a man pounds on the
door. "Please let me in," says the man. "I forgot to buy a
turkey, and my wife will kill me if I don't come home
with one. We have some guests coming over."

"OK" says the butcher. "Let me see what's left." He goes
into the freezer and discovers that there's only one
scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man.

"That one's too skinny. What else have you got?" the
man asks.

The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits
a few minutes, then brings the same turkey back out to
the man.

"Oh no," says the man, "that one doesn't look any better.
You better give me both of them."

Catholic parrots

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have
a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how
to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a
moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your
problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught
to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my
house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and
your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be
the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's
house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male
parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and
praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots
in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried
out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot
and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have
been answered."

DON'T MESS WITH GRANDMA

This is a true story

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon
returning to her car, found four males in the act of
leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun,
proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a
gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They
got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken,
then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back
of the car and got into driver's seat. She was so shaken
that she could not get her key into the ignition. She
tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four
or five spaces farther down in the same row.

She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police
station. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't
stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter,
where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad,
elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall,
glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

Bedtime Poems for Big People

JACK AND JILL Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.

HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.

HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.

GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.

And my personal favorite...........

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.

Jar number 43

A new miracle doctor was in town.

He could cure anything and anybody, and
everyone was amazed with what he can do.

Everyone except for Mr. Smith, the town grouch.

So Mr. Smith went to this 'miracle doctor to prove that he
wasn't so miraculous.

He goes and tells the doctor, "Hey, doc, I have lost my
sense of taste. I can't taste nothin', so what are ya goin
to do?"

The doctor scratches his head and mumbles
to himself a little, then tells Mr. Smith,
"What you need is jar number 43."

Jar number 43? Mr. Smith wonders.

So the doctor leaves and after five minutes brings a jar
and tells Mr. Smith to taste it.

He tastes it and immediately spits it out,
"This is gross!" he yells.

"I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Smith," says the
doctor. That will be $100.

So Mr. Smith goes home very mad.

One month later, Mr. Smith goes back to the
doctor along with a new problem, "Doc," he starts,
"I can't remember!"

Thinking he got the doctor, the doctor scratches his head
and mumbles to himself a little.
Then tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43..."

Before the doctor finished his sentence,
Mr. Smith fled the office.

Is sex work or play?

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because
he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest
and ask for his opinion on this question.

After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an
exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is
therefore not permitted on Sundays" The man thinks:

"What does a priest know about sex?"

So he goes to a minister who, after all, is a married man
and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and
receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for
the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of
thousands of years tradition and knowledge. The Rabbi ponders
the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many
others tell me sex is work?"

The Rabbi softly speaks, "My son, if sex were work, my wife
would have the maid do it."

Always let your boss have the first say

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are
walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They
rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The
Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll
give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in
the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the
world." Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep.
"I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my
personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas
and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, your turn," the Genie says to the manager. The
manager says,"I want those two back in the office
after lunch."

Moral of story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Pregnancy Q and A!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my
baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine
a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody
that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel
during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be
called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery
room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering
from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?!
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife
begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

Hi-tech findings

After digging to a depth of 100 metres last year,  Russian
scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000
years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors
already had a telephone network one thousand years
ago.

So, not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American
scientists dug 200 metres and headlines in the US papers
read: "US scientists have found traces of silica, indicating
2000 year old optical fibres, and have concluded that their
ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone
1000 years earlier than the Russians."

One week later, the  Canadian newspapers reported the
following: "After digging as deep as 500 metres, Canadian
scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have
concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were
already using wireless technology.

A cause for insanity

A teacher was helping one of her kindergarten students put
his boots on. He asked for help and she could see why.
Even with her pulling and pushing the boots just didn't want
to go on. By the time she'd got the second boot on, she'd
worked up a sweat.

That's when the little boy said, "Mrs. Smith, they're on the
wrong feet."

She looked, and sure enough, they were.

It wasn't any easier getting them back off and re-put upon the
correct feet.  That's when the little boy said, "These aren't
my boots."

She bit her tongue (who wants to swear at a 5 year old boy?)
and managed to keep her cool as together they worked 'em
back off.  He said, "They're my brother's. My mom made me
wear them."

Mrs. Smith didn't know whether to laugh or cry.  But she
mustered up the courage one more time to wrestle those
boots on his feet again. "Now," she said, "where are your
mittens?"

"I stuffed them in the toes of my boots."

...You can send flowers care of the Columbus Sanitarium . . .

Charm School

Two nicely dressed ladies happen to start up a conversation
during an endless wait in the LAX airport. The 1st lady was
an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man.
The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.

When the conversation centered on whether they had any
children the California woman started by saying, "When my
first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me. "

The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born,
my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz. "

Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child
was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.

Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband
buy for you when you had your first child? "

"My husband sent me to charm school, " declared the Southern lady.

"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh my God!
What on earth for?"

The Southern lady responded, "Well for one thing, instead of saying
"Who gives a shit?" I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that precious?"

Rules

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and
after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I
want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a
great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I
won't be home for dinner.

I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when
I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard
time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just
understand that there will be sex here at seven
o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."

The Way Children See Things!

NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer
evening when a Woman in the convertible ahead of us stood
up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the
shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat,
"Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!

HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to
tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished
it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking
for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with
my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little
smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell
in the toilet a few days ago.

SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm
just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read,
I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

MORE ON NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the
women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst
into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.
The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's
the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

The Headache

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.
The bad new is that it will require castration. You have a very rare
condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and
the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to
relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had
anything to live for.

He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for
the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an
important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he
realized that he felt like a different person. He could make
a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what
I need... a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a
new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said,
"Let's see... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the
business 50 years! "the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit..
it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked,
"How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and
then said, Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said,
"Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised, That's right, how did you know?" "Been
in the business 50 years.Joe tried on the shirt and it fit
perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the
salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe
thought for a moment and said,"Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since
I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34.
A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base
of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS

Assylum test

Should you ever need to be institutionalized,
This little test should get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director
what is the criteria which defines a patient to be institutionalized.

"Well" said the Director "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask
him/her to empty the bathtub".

OK, here's your test.

1. Would you use the teaspoon?
2. Would you use the teacup?
3. Would you use the bucket?

Think about this before you scroll down.





"Oh, I understand" said the visitor A normal person
would use the bucket because it's bigger than the
spoon or teacup".

"No" said the Director, "a normal person would pull the plug"!

Divorce

Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than
a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce.

"OK," the judge said, "Tell the court why you want a divorce."

"Well, your honor," Dan started, "Every once in a while my
sister in law would come over for a visit, and because she and
my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I'd end
up making love to her by mistake."

"Surely there must be some difference between the two
women," the judge said.

"You'd better believe there is a difference, your honor.
That's why I want the divorce." he replied.

Wrong recipient

It's wise to remember how easily this (email) wonderful
technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally,
with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled
streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was
on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the
next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send
his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper
on which he had written her email address, he did his
best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was
directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose
husband had passed away only the day before. When
the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one
look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell
to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw
this note on the screen:

My Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival
tomorrow.

Telephone Information Service

"Information. Can I help you?"

"I'd like the number of the Theater Guild, please."

"One moment, please."

Pause.

"I'm sorry sir, I have no listing for a Theodore Guilt."

"No, no. It isn't a person. It's an organization. It's Theater Guild."

"I told you, sir. I have no listing for a Theodore Guilt."

"Not *Theodore*!

*Theater*! The word is *theater*. T-H-E-A-T-E-R!"

"That, *sir*, is NOT the way we spell Theodore."

Management trainee

An (American) Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun
in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He
says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets
the Indian a tall mug of coffee.

The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns
and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts
of animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun
in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter,
"Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up
your mess from yesterday. What was all that about,
anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for
upper management position: Come in, drink coffee,
shoot bull, leave mess for others to clean up,
disappear for rest of day."

Can't talk, huh!

A man walks into his doctor's office and puts a note on
the table for the doctor to read. It said,
"I can't talk! Help me!"

The doctor nodded sagely, and instructed the man to put
his thumb on the table.

The man thinks to himself that his thumb has nothing to do
with his inability to talk, but he does as the doctor ordered.

The doctor quickly picked up a big book and
whacks the man's thumb with it as hard as he could.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" the man yelled.

"Good, good," the doctor said.
"Come back tomorrow and we'll work on the letter 'B'."

If you can...

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook people taking things out on you when, if through
no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax at any given moment,
If you can always sleep without the aid of drugs,

Then,........

You are probably the family dog.

TOP 10 DOG PEEVES ABOUT HUMANS

1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny at all!

2. Yelling at me for barking .. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG!

3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out.
Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose ... stop it!

5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you
know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

6. The slight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog!
Whoooo Hoooooooo -- what a proud moment for the top
of the food chain.

7. Taking me to the vet for the "big snip", then acting surprised
when I freak out every time we go back!

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests.
Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9. Dog sweaters. Hello? Haven't you noticed the fur?

10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself
Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

From 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new
auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted
a fast little sports car so she could zip through traffic
around town.

He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck,
but everything she seemed to like was way out of their
price range.

"Look !" she said. I want something that goes from 0 to
200 in 4 seconds or less!" And my birthday is coming up!
You could surprise me!"

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral Service is now being arranged.

Miracle Toilet Paper

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining
to my husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he comes up
with a suggestion:

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece
of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and I stand
in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I ask.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

I stop. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between
my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

The Blind Man

Two young nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent,
and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they
must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide
to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint
naked.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug and, deciding
that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room,
they open the door.

"Nice boobs," says the man ... "Where do you want the blinds?"

The Substitute Organist

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he
was going to, ask the congregation to come up with
more money than they were expecting for repairs to
the church building.

Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular
organist was sick and a substitute had been brought
in at the last minute.

The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's
a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll
have to think of something to play after I make the
announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said,
"Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the
roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected,
and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can
pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played
"The Star Spangled Banner."

And that is how the substitute became the
regular organist!

Golf, anyone?

A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where
everything costs one dollar. He jumps at the offer and
heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun.

He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck.
When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another
buck. His room is only a buck a day! The day before he's
to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops
by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his
room.

When he's checking out next morning, he looks at the
bill and sees:

Golf: $1.00.
Dinner: $1.00.
Room: $1.00.
Sleeve of golf balls: $3,000.00

Calling over to the manager, he asks, "What is this all about?
Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged
me three thousand for three golf balls?"

I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you didn't read the fine
print in our promotional brochure. That's what our golf balls cost."

"Well," said the man, "if I wanted to spend that kind of money,
I could've gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid
them a thousand dollars a day for a room. At least I would've
known what I was paying for!"

"That's right, sir, you could have," said the manager. "Over there
they get you by the room. Over here we get you by the balls!"

Where

A young blonde dressed in shorts had been taking
golf lessons.

She had just started playing her first round of golf
when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so
intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse
for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and
asked, "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee", she said.

"Where", he asked. "Between the first and second hole",
she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."

Perfect Husband

Jenny's husband, Ralph, was a male chauvinist. Even
though they both worked full-time, he never helped
around the house. Housework was woman's work!

But one evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find
the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer
and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the
table set...

She was astonished - something's up.

It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said wives
who worked full-time and had to do their own housework
were too tired to have sex.

The night went well and the next day she told her office
friends all about it. "We had a great dinner. Ralph even
cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework,
folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really
enjoyed the evening."

"But what about afterward?" asked her friends.

"Oh, that was perfect too. Ralph was too tired.

Some Ads!

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery.
Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child.
Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory.
Must be willing to travel.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

3-year old teacher needed for pre-school.
Experience preferred.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook
with round bottom for efficient beating.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head
illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Dinner Special --
Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

Golf could be very dangerous

A man staggers into an emergency room with a
concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and
a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this",said the man. "I was having a
quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult
hole we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows.

We went to look for them, and while I was rooting
around noticed one of the cows had something white
at its rear end.

I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough,
there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it
stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.

That's when I made my big mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife,
'Hey honey, this looks like yours!'. ..

I don't remember much after that..."

Beer Masters

After a Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided
to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says 'Hey Senor,
I would like the world's best beer, a Corona.' The
bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says 'I'd like the best beer
in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser.'
The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says 'I'd like the only beer made
with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.'
He gets it.

The guy from Guiness sits down and says 'Give me
a Coke.' The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives
him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and
ask 'Why aren't you drinking a Guiness?' and the
Guiness president replies 'Well, if you guys aren't
drinking beers, neither will I.'

Lawyer's Contribution

At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer
worker noticed that the most successful lawyer in
the whole town hadn't made a contribution. This guy
was making about $600,000 a year so the volunteer
thought, 'Why not call him up?'

He calls up the lawyer.

'Sir, according to our research you haven't made a
contribution to the United Way, would you like to do so?'

The lawyer responds, 'A contribution? Does your
research show that I have an invalid mother who
requires expensive surgery once a year just to stay alive?'

The worker is feeling a bit embarrassed and says,
'Well, no sir, I'm...'

'Does your research show that my sister's husband
was killed in a car accident? She has three kids and
no means of support!'

The worker is feeling quite embarrassed at this point.
'I'm terribly sorry...'

'Does your research show that my brother broke his
neck on the job and now requires a full time nurse
to have any kind of normal life?'

The worker is completely humiliated at this point.
'I am sorry sir, please forgive me...'

'The gall of you people! I don't give them anything,
so why should I give to you!'

Not Your Business!

A guy walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar.
'Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?' he
said to her.

'I don't know,' replied the beautiful young woman.
'It depends how personal it is.'

'OK,' the guy said. 'How many men have you slept with?'

'I'm not going to tell you that!' the woman exclaimed.
'That's my business!'

'Sorry,' said the guy, 'I didn't realize you're making a
living out of it.'

hanging herself

A blonde decided to commit suicide by hanging
herself from a tree in the park.

The next day, a man was walking his dog and
spotted her hanging from the tree. He asks the
blonde what she is doing and she replies, 'I'm
hanging myself.'

'You're supposed to put the noose around your neck,
not your waist,' said the onlooker.

I tried that,' replied the blonde, 'but I couldn't breathe.'


ho old do you think I am?

A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday.
She spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the
results. On her way home she stops at a newsstand
to buy a paper. Before leaving, she asks the sales
clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but ho
  old do you think I am?'

'About 32', the clerk replies.

'I'm actually 47,' the woman says happily.

A little while later, she goes into McDonald's, and
upon getting her order, asks the counter girl the
same question. She replies, 'I'd quess about 29.'

The woman replies, 'Nope, I am 47.' Now she is
feeling really good about herself.

While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man
the same question. He replies, 'I'm 78 and my
eyesight is starting to go. Although, when I was young,
there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was,
but it requires you to let me put my hands up your
shirt and feel your boobs. Then I can tell exactly
how old you are.'

They waited in silence on the empty street until
curiosity got the best of the woman, and she
finally said, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

The old man slips both hands up her shirt, under
her bra, and begins to feel around. After a couple
of minutes, she says, 'Okay, okay, how old am I?'

He removes his hands and says, 'You are 47.'

Stunned, the woman says, 'That is amazing!
How did you know?'

The old man replies, 'I was the one behind you
in line at McDonald's.'



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