reduce anyone's weight

This fat guy sees an ad for a new gym guaranteeing
to reduce anyone's weight by 5, 10 or 20 kilograms
on the first day. So he goes and tells them he wants
to lose 5 kg. They strip him and lead him into a huge
gym with all kinds of ropes and parallel bars and
ladders and tell him to wait a minute. He's standing
there when on the far side of the gym a door opens
and out steps a gorgeous blonde, stark naked, with
a sign saying, 'If you catch me, I'm yours.'

He starts running, and just as he gets close, she
starts picking up speed. Before he knows it, he's
running all over the gym, up the ladders, down the
ladders, across the parallel bars, here and there.
And just as he's about to catch the blonde, pop,
she disappears through a door. In comes the
management who lead him to the showers, and
then weigh him. Sure enough, he lost exactly 5 kg.

He's back on the street and starts to think.

'Jesus, I was so close to catching her. If only I
had a little more time...'

So he races back to the gym and says, 'I want
to lose 20 more kg.'

'No problem,' says the manager.

Again he strips, and is led to the large gym.
This time he's standing by the door when it opens.
Out comes a large gorilla with a sign

'If I catch you, you're mine.'

calling out to owls

Each evening birdlover Tom stood in his backyard,
hooting like an owl - and one night, an owl called
back to him.  For a year, the man and his feathered
friend hooted back and forth.  He even kept a log of
the 'conversation.'  Just as he thought he was on the
verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication,
his wife had a chat with her next door neighbor.

'My husband spends his nights ... calling out to owls,'
she said.

'That's odd,' the neighbor replied. 'So does my husband.'

a pub in Ireland

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his
voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, 'I hear you
Irish are a bunch of drunken' fools. I'll give $500
American dollars to anybody in here who can drink
10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.'

The room is quiet, and no one takes of the Texan's
offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left
shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.
'Is your bet still good?' he asks.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line
up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman
tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all
back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits down
in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500
and says, 'If ya don't mind my askin', where did ya'll go
for that 30 minutes you were gone?'

The Irishman replies, 'Oh...I had to go to the pub down
the street to see if I could do it first.'

Thoughts to chew on...

1. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day;
teach that person to use the Internet and they won't
bother you for weeks.
2. Some people are like Slinkies... not really good
for anything, but you still can't help but smile when
ou see one tumble down the stairs.
3. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
4. Have you noticed that since everyone has a
camcorder these days no one talks about seeing
UFOs anymore.
5. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
6. All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to criticism.
7. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two
hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves
you thirty cents?
8. In the 60's people took acid to make the world
weird. Now the world is weird and people take
Prozac to make it normal.
9. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest
profession. I have come to realize that it bears
a very close resemblance to the first.
10. How is it one careless match can start a forest
fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

triumph over youth

An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic
tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The
pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when
it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond,
as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and
laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a
bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He
made the women aware of his presence and they all went
to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out
until you leave!'

The old man replied, 'I didn't come down here to watch
you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked.
I only came to feed the alligator'.

Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth
and aggression every time.

ISN'T ENGLISH A FUNNY LANGUAGE ?

There is no egg in eggplant or ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in  pineapple...
Is cheese the plural of choose?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a
humanitarian eat?
In what language do people recite at a play, and play
at a recital?
Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which
aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted.  But if we  explore its
paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly,
boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither
from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't
fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural
of booth beeth?
One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese?
One index, two indices?

How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as
hell another?
When a house burns up, it burns  down.

You fill in a form by filling it out, and an alarm
clock goes off by going on.
When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the
lights are out, they are invisible.
And why, when I wind up my  watch, I start it, but
when I wind up this essay, I end it?

English muffins were not invented in England or
French fries in France.

the same cow?!

A man takes his wife to the cattle show. They start heading
down the alley that houses all the bulls. The sign on the first
bull's stall states 'This bull mated 50 times last year.' The
wife turns to her husband and says, 'He mated 50 times
in a year, isn't that nice!.'

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: 'This
bull mated 65 times last year.' The wife turns to her husband
and says, 'This one mated 65 times last year. That is over
5 times a month. You could learn from this one!'

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: 'This
bull mated 365 times last year.' The wife's mouth drops
open and says, 'WOW! He mated 365 times last year.
That is ONCE A DAY!! You could really learn from this one.'

The anoyed man turns to his wife and says, 'Go up and
inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow?!'

The Mommy Test

I was out walking with my then 4-year-old daughter, when she picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth, and I asked her not to do that.

"Why?" questioned my daughter.

"Because it's been laying outside and is dirty and probably has germs.", I explained.

At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"

"Uh," I was thinking quickly everyone knows this stuff. "Um, it's on the Mommy test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."

"Oh." Responded my daughter.

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. "I get it!" she beamed. "Then if you flunk, you have to be the Daddy."

score of 150%

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic.

He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I was wondering if there had been an error, which needed adjusting."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler."

have you ever seen anything like this before?

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat. After he finished, he headed to the kitchen to raid the refrigerator.

The wife comes home sooner than expected, and heads to the bathroom, sits down and gets the toilet seat stuck to her rear. She becomes upset and in a panic shouts to her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat to cover the stuck seat, and off they go.

When they get to the doctor's office, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament.

The man asked, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"

"Well, yes." the doctor replied. "But never framed."

'sexual intercourse'

Little Johnny was staying with his grandmother for a few days.

He'd been playing outside for a while when he came into the house and asked, "Grandma, what is it called when people are sleeping on top of each other?"

She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called 'sexual intercourse', darling."

Little Johnny just said, "OK" and went back outside to play. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is NOT called 'sexual intercourse'! It's called bunk beds!"

don't affect me

The church was full. A young woman with a wonderful figure, and not nearly enough clothes to hide it all, came in late. She strode down the center aisle, close to the front, and sat down.

It was plain to the preacher that he had lost all the men at the service to this voluptuous beauty. He shook his hands at her and said, "You are the Jezebel. The good book tells us about the likes of you. You have corrupted the mind of every man in this building with evil thoughts. But", the preacher continued, " I am a man of God! You don't affect me, you evil woman. Right now up in Heaven, Saint Finger is shaking his Peter at you!"

In my next life, I want to be a pig

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Do not try this at home. Maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes... lucky pig.. can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm........)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing....)

A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??)

fine looking woman

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner table He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks at the biggest, meanest one in the face and says, "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker, and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad, but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time, and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders, looks him square in the eyes and says, "Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk !"

where God lives

A Sunday school teacher was teaching his class of
3 to 6 year olds. He asks, 'Can anyone tell me where
God lives?'  A little boy raises his hand.

Teacher: So where do you think God lives?

Boy: He lives in my bathroom.

Teacher: And what makes you think God lives in
your bathroom?

Boy: Because, every morning my dad goes to the
bathroom and says, 'MY GOD ARE YOU STILL 
IN THERE?'

find a suitable partner

A young lady visited the government matchmaker for marriage
and requested, 'I'm looking for a spouse. Could you please
help me to find a suitable partner?'

The marriage officer said, 'Your requirements please.'

'Well, let me see. Needs to be good looking, polite,
humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and
dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home
during my leisure hour if I don't go out. Telling me
interesting stories when I need companion for
conversation and be silent when I want to rest.'

The officer listened carefully and replied, 'I understand.
You need a television!'

Just some thoughts...

If people from Poland are called 'Poles', why
aren't people from Holland called 'Holes'?

Do you suppose infants enjoy infancy as much
as adults enjoy adultery?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs?
Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Why is the man who invests all your money called
a broker?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it
say?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a
pianist but a person who drives a race car not
called a racist?

Why isn't 11 pronounced 'onety one'?

'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the
English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the
longest sentence?

Why is it that if someone tells you there are 1
billion stars in our galaxy you will believe
them. But if they tell you a wall has wet paint,
you have to touch it to be sure?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
Is it allowed to drink tea during cofee breaks?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with
tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what
do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

If olive oil comes from olives, and corn oil comes
from corn, where does baby oil come from?

'The Bowling Excuse'

Dave works hard at the office and often comes home late.
So, for his birthday, his wife wants him to relax and enjoy
himself. She decided to take him to a Hollywood strip club.

When they arrive, the doorman says, 'Dave, how's it going?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this place before.
'No,' answers Dave. 'That fellow is on my bowling team.'

When they're seated, a waitress asks Dave if he like his
usual Sam Adams.

His wife is getting uncomfortable and says, 'You must come
here a lot for her to know that you drink Sam Adams?'

'No,' he replies. 'She's in the ladies' bowling league.
My team shares lanes with them.'

Just then a stripper comes over and says, 'Want your
usual lap dance, Davy?'

With that, Dave's wife can't take it anymore and storms
out of the strip club.  She quickly hails a cab, but
before she can slam the door,  Dave jumps in after her.
Immediately, she start screaming at him.

The cabby turns around and says, 'Hoola, Dave. Looks
like you picked up a real tiger tonight!'

Men are like.....

Men are like.....Coffee.  The best ones are rich, warm,
full-bodied, and can keep you up all night long.
Men are like.....Chocolate Bars.  Sweet, smooth, and
they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like.....Blenders.  You need one, but you're not
quite sure why.
Men are like.....Coolers.  Load them with beer and you
can take them anywhere.
Men are like.....Copiers.  You need them for reproduction,
but that's about it.
Men are like.....Curling irons.  They're always hot, and
they're always in your hair.
Men are like.....Government bonds.  They take so long
to mature.
Men are like.....High heels.  They're easy to walk on once
you get the hang of it.
Men are like.....Horoscopes.  They always tell you what to
do and are usually wrong.
Men are like.....Lava lamps.  Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like.....Laxatives.  They irritate the poop out of you.
Men are like.....Mascara.  They usually run at the first sign
of emotion.
Men are like.....Mini skirts.  If you're not careful, they'll creep up
your legs.
Men are like.....Noodles.  They're always in hot water, they
lack taste, and they need dough.
Men are like.....Plungers.  They spend most of their lives in
a hardware store or the bathroom.
Men are like.....Popcorn.  They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like.....Place mats.  They only show up when there's
food on the table.
Men are like.....Used Cars.  Both are easy-to-get, cheap, and unreliable.
Men are like.....Weather.  Nothing can be done to change either one of
them.

Inner Strength...

1.If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
2.If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
3.If you can resist complaining and boring people with
your troubles,
4.If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful
for it,
5.If you can understand when loved ones are too busy
to give you time,
6.If you can overlook when people take things out on you
when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
7.If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
8.If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
9.If you can conquer tension without medical help,
10.If you can relax without liquor,
11.If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
12.If you can do all these things, then you are probably
the family puppy!

losing some of load

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up.
She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and
knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window,
and she says 'Hi, my name is Heather and you are
losing some of your load.' The trucker ignores her and
proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl
catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up
and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers
the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde
says brightly, 'Hi my name is Heather, and you are
losing some of your load!'

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and
continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs
up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the
window. Again she says 'Hi, my name is Heather,
and you are losing some of your load!'

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and
races to the next light. When he stops this time, he
hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the
blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers
it, he says...'Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in West
Virginia, and I'm driving a SALT TRUCK!'

'Ben who?'

Lee wasn't the brightest guy in the world, and his co-workers
were continually ribbing him on the job. One in particular,
Rick, would greet him each morning and precipitate this
exchange:

'Say Lee, you seen Ben?'

'Ben who?'

'Ben' down and kiss my $$$!'

Tired of falling for the same joke day after day, Lee
confided in his friend Susie who said, 'Listen, next time
you see Rick, ask him if he's seen Eileen. Rick will ask,
'Eileen who?', and you say, 'I lean over and you kiss MY $$$.'

Memorizing his lines, Lee went to work early to wait for Rick.
As soon as he arrived, Lee ran over to him.

'Hey Rick,' he said, 'have you seen Eileen?'

'No,' Rick answered, 'she ran off with Ben.'

Lee frowned, 'Ben who?'

Dogs

Dogs lie around all day sprawled on the most comfortable
piece of furniture in the house.

They can hear a package of food opening half a block away,
but don't hear you when you're in the same room.

They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.

They growl when they are not happy.

When you want to play they want to play.

When you want to be alone they want to play.

They are great at begging.

They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.

They leave their toys everywhere.

They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try
to give you a kiss.

Conclusion: They're tiny men in little fur coats.

*The perfect worker!!!!!!*

1   Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2   hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3   wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4   thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5   finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6   measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7   breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8   vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9   knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.

Addendum:
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the
report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the
odd numbered lines.

pretend you're a statue

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her
husband opening the front door.

'Hurry!' she said, 'stand in the corner.' She quickly rubbed
baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum
powder.  'Don't move until I tell you to,' she whispered,
'just pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this honey?' the husband inquired as he entered
the room.

'Oh, it's just a statue', she replied nonchalantly.  'The
Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much,
I got one for us.'

No more was said about the statue, not even later that
night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed,
went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a
sandwich and a glass of milk.

'Here,' he said to the 'statue', 'eat something.
I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three
days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water!'

Rated: PG

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the
boy asks, 'What are these, Dad?'

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, 'Those are
called condoms, son.... Men use them to have safe sex.'

'Oh I see,' replied the boys pensively. 'Yes, I've heard
of that in health class at school.' He looks over the
display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, 'Why
are there 3 in this package.'

The dad replies, 'Those are for high school boys. One
for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.'

'Cool!' says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks,
'Then who are these for?' 'Those are for college men.'
the dad answers, 'TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday,
and TWO for Sunday.'

'WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'then who uses THESE?'
he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh, the dad
replied, 'Those are for married men. One for January,
one for February, one for March........'

something I must confess

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a
candle-light vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand,
tears running down her face.  Her praying roused him
from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began
to move slightly. 'My darling Becky,' he whispered.

'Hush, my love,' she said. 'Rest, don't talk.'

He was insistent.  'Becky, I, I have something I must
confess to you.'

'There's nothing to confess,' replied the weeping Becky.
'Everything's all right, go to sleep.'

'No, no. I must die in peace!' Jake said.  'Becky, I...slept
with your sister, your best friend, and her best friend!'

'I know', Becky whispered softly,
'That's why I poisoned you!'

circulation of the blood

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: 'Now, students, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face.'

'Yes, sir,' the boys said.

'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'

A little fellow shouted, ''It's because yer feet ain't empty.'

urinating in the pool

The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool.

'Everyone knows,' the mother lectured him, 'that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool.'

'Oh really?' said the lifeguard, 'from the diving board!?!?'

Applied psychology

A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Larry Johnson. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Larry asked: 'What is the usual tip?'

'Well,' replied the youth, 'this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great.'

'Is that so?' snorted Larry. 'Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars.'

'Thanks,' replied the youth, 'I'll put this in my school fund.'

'What are you studying in school?' asked Larry.

The lad smiled and said: 'Applied psychology.'

if you don't ask questions, you'll never learn

A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, 'How does this boat float?

The father replied, 'Don't know son.'

A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, 'How do fish breath underwater?'

Once again the father replied, 'Don't know son.'

A little later the boy asked his father, 'Why is the sky blue?'

Again, the father replied. 'Don't know son.'

Finally, the boy asked his father, 'Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?'

The father replied, 'Of course not, if you don't ask questions, you'll never learn!'

Die Before Wake

The prayer said before a finals exam:

Now I Lay Me Down to Study, I Pray the Lord I Won't Go Nutty.

If I Should Fail to Learn this Junk, I Pray the Lord I Will Not Flunk.

But If I Do, Don't Pity Me at All, Just Lay My Bones In the Study Hall.

Tell My Prof I Did My Best, Then Pile My Books upon My Chest.

Now I Lay Me Down to Rest, And Pray I'll Pass Tomorrow's Test.

If I Should Die Before I Wake, That's One less Test I'll Have to Take.

send some money

A student called up his Mom one evening from his college and asked her for some money, because he was broke.

His Mother said, 'Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also left your economics book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?'

'Uhh, oh yeah, O.K.' responded the kid.

So his Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets back, Dad asked, 'Well how much did you give the boy this time?'

'Oh, I wrote two checks, one for $20, and the other for $200 out to him.'

'That's $220!!!' yelled Dad, 'Are you going crazy???'

'Don't worry hon,' Mom said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, 'I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $200 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 15!'

Please, tell me...

For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren. She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children.

She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren.

'Oh, I've done all the talking, and I'm so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me... what do you think of my grandchildren?'

'Do you know who I am?'

It was the final examination for an introductory Biology course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 500 students in the class!

The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. Half of an hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

'You're not going to have time to finish this,' the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

'Yes I will,' replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. An hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

'No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late.'

The student looked incredulous and angry.

'Do you know who I am?'

'No, as a matter of fact I don't,' replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.

'Are you sure you don't know who I am?' the student asked again in a louder voice.

'No, and I don't care.' replied the professor with an air of superiority.

'Good,' replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

mother died

The Captain called the Sergeant in. 'Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me.'

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. 'Listen up, men,' says the Sergeant. 'Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander.'

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. 'Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?'

'Yes, sir,' answered the Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, 'Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful.'

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. 'Ok, men, fall in and listen up.' 'Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward.' 'Not so fast, McGrath!'

air conditioner

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.

'Oh, I really don't care or mind,' said the waiter with a smile. 'We don't even have an air conditioner.'

silly argument

Last year I replaced several windows in my house and
they were the expensive double-pane energy efficient
kind.  But this week I got a call from the
contractor complaining that his work has been
completed for a whole year and I had yet to pay for
them. 

Boy oh boy did we go 'round.  Just because I'm blonde
doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.  So, I
proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales
guy had told me last year. .. .  that in one year the
windows would pay for themselves.  There was silence
on the other end of the line so I just hung up and
I haven't heard back.

Guess I must have won that silly argument.

MORE than 100%?

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint, it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

and
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND HEY, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that while Knowledge and Hard work will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, Bullshit and Ass kissing will put you over the top.

the 5th grade

A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers,went on a field trip to the local racetrack (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon),but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, assisting each one to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."

"No, ma'am," he! replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh"

'THINGS go better with Coke!'

An airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa
had a malfunction, and went down. A few weeks later,
Pepsi Company sent a rescue plane. They searched
the area and found a tribe of cannibals. They walked up
to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew
anything about the crash.

The Chief said, 'Yeah.' When asked where the crew was,
the Chief replied, 'We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi.'

The rescue crew was shocked. One man asked, 'Did you
eat their legs?'

The chief replied, 'We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi.'

Another rescuer asked, 'Did you eat their arms?'

The Chief said, 'We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi.'

After looking totally perplexed for a minute, a third asked,
Did you.. you know...eat their...'things'??'

The chief says, 'No.'

'No?' asked the rescuer.

'No,' replied the Chief, 'THINGS go better with Coke!'

MONEY

It can buy a house, but not a home.
It can buy a bed, but not sleep.
It can buy a clock, but not time.
It can buy you a book, but not knowledge.
It can buy you a position, but not respect.
It can buy you medicine, but not health.
It can buy you blood, but not life.
It can buy you sex, but not love.

So you see, money isn't everything and it often
causes pain and suffering.

I tell you this because I am your friend and as
your friend I want to take away all of your pains.

So, please send me all your money and
I will suffer for you!

Cash only.

Small bills, please!

predict snow

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for
2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor
who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any?

This is a true story . . . .

There was a female news anchor who, the day after it
was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the
weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that 8 inches
you promised me last night?'

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew
did too because they were laughing so hard!

The Blondes' Pigs

One day two blondes each bought a pig. The problem
they were having was telling the two pigs apart.

So, the first blonde had an idea: She said, 'I'll cut my
pig's tail off, then we will know the difference.' So she
cut her pig's tail off.

That night the pigs got in a fight and one pig bit the
other pig's tail off. The next morning the blonde had
a solution, she said,'I'll just cut my pig's right back
leg off.' So, she did.

That night same thing; the pigs got in a fight and one
pig bit the other pig's right back leg off. The next
morning the blondes were real upset and finally
decided to cut the back left leg from the pig, so
she did.

That night the pigs got in a fight and one pig bit the
other pig's back left leg off.

The next morning when the blondes awoke they
were devastated. Finally, the other blonde spoke up
and said, 'How about you take the white one and
I'll take the black one.'

Having a party

Sam has been in business for 25 years and is finally
sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50
acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as
possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and
gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total
peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost
total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone
knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big,
bearded Vermonter standing there.

'Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over
the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd
like to come.'

'Great,' says Sam, 'after six months of this I'm ready
to meet some local folks. Thank you.'

As Enoch is leaving he stops, 'Gotta warn you there's
gonna be some drinkin'.'

'Not a problem... After 25 years in business, I can
drink with the best of 'em.'

Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. 'More 'n'
likely gonna be some fightin' too.'

'Damn', Sam thinks... 'Tough crowd.' 'Well, I get
along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again.'

Once again Enoch turns from the door. 'I've seen
some wild sex at these parties, too.'

'Now that's not a problem' says Sam, 'Remember
I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there...
By the way, what should I wear?'

Enoch stops in the door again and says,
'Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us.'

wooden ball

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming
him up, he mentions that he wants a closer shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber, taking a small wooden ball
from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds to
shave the man. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech,
"And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like
everyone else does!"

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