Because I'm Blonde?

A girl came skipping home from school one day.

'Mommy, Mommy,' she yelled, 'we were counting
today, and all the other kids could only count to four,
but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!'

'Very good,' said her mother.

'Is it because I'm blonde?' the girl said. 'Yes, it's
because you're blonde,' said the mommy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from
school. 'Mommy, Mommy,' she yelled, 'we were saying
the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only
say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!'

'Very good,' said her mother.

'Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?'

'Yes, it's because you're blonde.'

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
Mommy, Mommy,' she yelled, 'we were in gym class
today, and when we showered, all the other girls had
flat chests, but I have these!' And she lifted her tank
top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

'Very good,' said her embarrassed mother.

'Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?'

'No Honey, it's because you're 24.'

Murphys Laws on work!

-- Everything can be filed under 'miscellaneous'.
-- Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
-- To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.
-- Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
-- There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.
-- If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
-- If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
-- At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
-- No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
-- The longer the title, the less important the job.
-- Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
-- Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.

The Ultimate Female Fantasy...

In a recent Harris poll 38,562 men across the US
were asked to identify a woman's ultimate fantasy.

97.8% of the men said a woman's ultimate fantasy
is to have two men at once.

While this has been cross-verified by a recent
sociological study, it appears that most men
don't realize that in this female-fantasy, one man
is cooking and the other is cleaning.

Are you prepared?

Before performing a baptism, the priest approached
the young father and said solemnly, 'Baptism is a
serious step. Are you prepared for it?'

'I think so,' the man replied. 'My wife made appetizers
last night and we have a caterer coming this morning
with roast beef, fried chicken and potato salad.'

'I don't mean that,' the priest responded. 'I mean, are
you prepared spiritually?'

'Sure,' came the reply. 'I've got a keg of beer and
a case of bourbon.'

A Dying Man's Cookies

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he
suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies
wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and
lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly
made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort
forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both
hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame,
gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself
already in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the
kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate
chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic
love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world
a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the
table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched
lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his
mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and
withered hand, shockingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of
the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his
wife.

'Stay out of those,' she said, 'they're for the funeral.'

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0
and noticed a slowdown in the performance of the flower
and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under
the Boyfriend 5.0 system.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable
programs, such as Romance 9.9, and installed undesirable
programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6
simply crashes the system.
I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems,
but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
...................................
Follow-up

Dear Desperate:

We have become aware of the flaws in upgrading from
Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0, and currently have techs
who are beta-testing both Husband 2.0 and Husband 3.0.

Unfortunately, these also seem to encounter some fatal
exception errors which we believe may actually be caused
by a conflict in the software for Wife 1.0.

It appears that when the upgrade is installed an accidental
reconfiguration of the exec files in Wife 1.0 occurs in the
Finance, Glutamus and Bedroom folders.  Two of these files
become too large for the hard-drive, and the driver for the
other becomes corrupted and no longer functions as promised.

In addition, the installation of Wife 1.0 automatically uninstalls
any previous versions of Girlfriend.  It was hoped that the
installation would simply over-write Girlfriend and maintain
some of its fully functional characteristics, but our experience
has been that this is not the case.  In any event, please advise
the installer of Wife 1.0 that it is not advisable to reinstall
Girlfriend and attempt to run both programs at the same time.

We are currently working on these problems, but be
forewarned that, even after what seems like a proper install,
including a full disc scan and defrag, there are some minor
virus worms that are not detected when first installing Wife 1.0.

Despite our best efforts and our ongoing testing procedures,
we may just have to fully uninstall Wife 1.0, run another
complete defrag, and install our newest product: Wife 2.0.

Should you have any further problems, please have the user
who installed Wife 1.0 contact us for the uninstall procedures.

The costs for the new software have not yet been determined,
and, as always, installation of our software products are at
your own risk.  We are unable to give refunds at this time.

I hope we have been able to answer your questions.

Sincerely,

Tech Support

the armless man

A man was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting
ready to jump off, when he happened to look down and see
a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank.

He thought to himself, 'Life isn't so bad after all,' and got off
the railing. He then walked down to the river bank to thank
the little man for saving his life.

'Thank you,' he said. 'I was going to jump off that bridge
and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though
you have no arms, I changed my mind.'

'I was not dancing,' the armless man replied bitterly. 'My
butt is itching, and I can't scratch it!

"What's wrong, honey?"

This one is for all of you who either:  a) have kids  b) had kids  c) was a kid  d) know a kid!

As I was packing for my business trip, my 3-year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" Pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "Daddy, What happened to my booger?"

a Christmas gift

One year, a particular harried husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

'assicons'

We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons', where :) means a smile and :(  is a frown.

Well, how about some 'assicons'?

(_!_)       A regular ass

(__!__)     A fat ass

(!)         A tight ass

(_*_)       A sore ass

{_!_}       A swishy ass

(_o_)       An ass that's been around

(_x_)       Kiss my ass

(_X_)       Leave my ass alone

(_zzz_)     A tired ass

(_E=mc2_)   A smart ass

(_$_)       Money coming out  of his ass

(_?_)       Dumb Ass

candy bar

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little Johnny replied, "You know, my grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own friggen business"

he goes crazy

Everyone on a passenger ship could see a bearded man
on a small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands.

'Who is that man?' a passenger asked the ship's Captain.
'Why is he so upset?'

'I have no idea,' the Captain replied, 'but, every year when
we pass by here, he goes crazy.'

hot leads

Two men were talking about their exploits with women.
One of the men began feeling terrible about some of the
things that he had done, so he decided to make a stop
into his parish church and go to confession.

He told his friend, 'Just a minute, I'll be right back.'

He went into the church and decided to go to confession.
He went into the confessional and said to the priest,
'Father, forgive me for I have sinned. I have had two
extramarital affairs.'

The priest replied, 'You need to say forty Hail Mary's,
and I also need to know if the women were members
of my parish.'

The man said, 'Yes, Father, they were.' The priest then
said that he was required to tell the names of the two women.

The man said, 'Father, I don't kiss and tell...'

The priest said, 'Well, was one of them Mrs. O' Brian?'

The man said, 'No, Father!'

The priest asked, 'Well, was one of them Mrs. Swenson?'

Exasperated, the man said, 'No, Father, I'm not telling you
the names of the women!' and then quickly left the confessional.

As he approached the bottom of the church steps, his friend
asked, 'So, how did it go?'

The man said, 'Great! Only forty Hail Mary's...
and I got two hot leads!'

Marriage quotes:

- If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way.

- In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage
of the enemy.

- In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom,
it's curtains!

- Joint Checking Account: a handly little device which permits
my wife to beat me to the draw.

- Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.

- Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover.
But she can never catch him at it.

- Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't
been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give.

- Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring,
and suffe-ring.

- Marriage is an institution--but who wants to live in an institution?

- Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo...

answers received on exams

The following are a sampling of real answers received
on exams given by the California Department of
Transportation's driving school.

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach
a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper
sticker saying, 'Guns don't kill people. I do.'

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too drunk to find your keys.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you
could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing
or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave 'hello' if she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red
traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be an idiot all day long.

Cat Diary Human Translator

'HERE KITTY KITTY KITTY...'
Means that humans want to take you somewhere, most
likely the vet. Avoid it.

'I HAVE SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR YOU!'
Probably left over human food they were about to throw out.

'HERE'S SOME KITTY TREATS...'
Most likely another foil wrapped appeals-to-a-human Madison
Avenue concoction.  Real kitty treats are usually opportunities
when no one's paying attention and you get to lick the ice
cream in the bowl, or jump on the table for that great piece
of meat loaf.

'YOU ARE SOOOOOO CUTE!'
You are about to rub noses with a human.  They can never
get enough of our tiny fur- coated bodies and irresistible faces.
Human noses are sooo warm. Ugh.

'YOU'RE IN MY CHAIR!' or 'YOU'RE TAKING UP TOO MUCH
OF THE BED!'
You picked the right spot.  You are right where you s hould be.

'DARN CAT HAIR!'
You left your hair out in the open where humans can see it
and properly clean it up.

'STOP THAT!'
  .Means you were caught.  Remember exactly where you
were and get back to it - once they leave the house.

'GET OUT OF HERE!'
Do not take this personally.  It's usually the first thing they say
after you wake them up by sticking your backside in their face.

SNAPPING OF FINGERS:
They want you to come over. If they want me, they'll come
get me.  Otherwise, get a dog.

'I LOVE YOU...'
Means just that.  No translation needed here.  And we love you, too.

'Who's the boss around here?'

A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed
to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in
his town.

To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse.
To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken
was given.

He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple
outside gardening. 'Who's the boss around here?'
he asked.

'I am.' said the man.

'I have a black horse and a brown horse,' the farmer said,
'which one would you like?'

The man thought for a minute and said, 'The black one.'

'No, no, no, get the brown one.' the man's wife said.

'Here's your chicken.' said the farmer.

something that happened

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the
edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully
recalled that the next week would mark their golden
wedding anniversary.

'Let's have a party, Homer,' she suggested. 'Let's kill a pig.'

The farmer scratched his grizzled head. 'Gee, Ethel,'
he finally answered, 'I don't see why the pig should
take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago.'

never done anything wild in your life?

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man
walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all
different colors; green, red, orange, blue and yellow.

The old man stared at the young man.

Over time the young man noticed the old man staring at him
and said sarcastically, 'What's the matter old man, never done
anything wild in your life?'

Without batting an eyelash the old man replied,
'Got drunk one night and had sex with a parrot.
I was just wondering if you were my son.'

The cat learned quickly

Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To my distress,
he began to use the back of our new sofa as a scratching post.
'Don't worry,' my wife reassured me. 'I'll have him trained in no time.'

I watched for several days as my wife patiently 'trained' our
new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, my wife deposited him
outdoors to teach him a lesson.

The cat learned quickly. For the next 5 years, whenever
he wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.

a dog that snores

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she
can't sleep, the Wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.
The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's
testicles and he will stop snoring.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring
as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep.
Muttering to herself,she goes to the closet and grabs a
piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's
testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman
is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from
being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls
asleep, and begins snoring loudly.

The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him.
So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue
ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles.

Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

He wakes from a drunken stupor and stumbles into the
bath room. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances
in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.

He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom,
he sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says,
'I don't know where we were Max, or what we did, but,
by God, we got first and second place!'

the final test

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the
background checks, interviews and testing were done
there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men
to a large metal door and handed him a .45 revolver.
'We must know that you will follow your instructions,
no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room,
you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot
my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man
for this job.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He
took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for
about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears
in his eyes. 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife,' the man said.
'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same
instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and
went into the room. Six shots were heard, one shot after
another. The agents heard screaming, crashing and banging
on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door
opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the
sweat from her brow, and said, 'This gun is loaded with blanks.
I had to beat him to death with the chair.'

feel like a true woman

An airplane was going down and there was no hope for everyone on the plane.

A lady stands up and says, "I need someone to help me with this problem I have before I die! I have had sex before, but no one has ever made me feel like a real woman before! Can anyone here make me feel like a true woman before we all die?"

A big, strong, handsome, dark headed man stands up and says, "I will help you with your problem."

So he walks over to her and starts tenderly touching her, and slowly he starts to unbutton her blouse and takes it off her.

Then he carefully unbuttons her pants and takes them off of her too. Then he hands them back to her and says, "Here, go wash these."

write home

A mother had three daughters and on their wedding she
asked each one of them to write home and tell her about
their married life.

The first wrote back on the second day. The letter arrived
with a single message, 'Maxwell Coffee'.

The Mother is confused but finally noticed a Maxwell coffee
ad, and it said; 'Satisfaction to the last drop...' So, Mother
was happy.

Then the second daughter got married and after a week
she sent home her reply. The message read; 'Rothmans'.
So the Mother looks for the Rothmans ad, and it says;
'LIFE SIZE, KING SIZE'. And Mother is happy.

Then it was the third one's wedding. Mother was anxious.
It took 4 weeks for a message to come through. When it
did the message was simply 'BRITISH AIRWAYS'.

Mother was so concerned. She frantically went through all
the newspapers at home looking for a British Airway's ad.

She found one and fainted.

The ad reads:
'TWO TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS.'

fax to his wife

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife:

Dear Wife:

You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs, which you are no longer able to satisfy, I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at that Grand Hotel with my 18 year old teaching assistant. I'll by home before midnight.
Your Husband.

When he arrived at the hotel there was a faxed letter waiting for him. It read as follows:

Dear Husband:

You, too are 54 years old and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18 year old pool boy. Since you are a mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 more times that 54 goes into 18. Therefore don't wait up!
Your Wife

the carbohydric content of different sexual activities

It has been known for many years that Sex was good exercise, but until now nobody had made a scientific study of the carbohydric content of different sexual activities. Now after 'original and proprietary' research, they are proud to present, to the LOVE group, the results.

REMOVING HER CLOTHES:

With her consent: 12 Carbs
Without her consent: 2187 Carbs

OPENING HER BRA:

With both hands: 8 Carbs
With one hand: 12 Carbs
With your teeth: 485 Carbs

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:

With an erection: 6 Carbs
Without an erection: 4315 Carbs

PRELIMINARIES:

Trying to find the clitoris: 8 Carbs
Trying to find the G-Spot: 4092 Carbs

POSITIONS:

Missionary: 12 Carbs
69 lying down: 78 Carbs
69 standing up: 812 Carbs
Wheelbarrow: 216 Carbs
Doggy Style: 326 Carbs
Italian Chandelier: 2912 Carbs

ORGASMS:

Real: 112 Carbs
Fake: 1315 Carbs

POST ORGASM:

Lying in bed hugging: 18 Carbs
Getting up immediately: 36 Carbs
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately: 816 Carbs

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are:

20-29 years: 36 Carbs
30-39 years: 80 Carbs
40-49 years: 124 Carbs
50-59 years: 1972 Carbs
60-69 years: 7916 Carbs
70 and over: Results are still pending

DRESSING AFTERWARDS:

Calmly: 32 Carbs
In a hurry: 98 Carbs
With her father knocking at the door: 5218 Carbs
With your wife knocking at the door: 13,521 Carbs

PLEASE NOTE: Results may vary

date running late?

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The women notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties."

Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

airliner was having engine trouble

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still in the aisle passing out business cards."

off men for life

A blonde at a party, was telling her friend that she'd gone off men for life.
"They lie, they cheat, and they're just no good," she moaned.
"From now on when I want sex, I'm going to use my tried and tested plastic companion,".

"What happens when the batteries run out?" asked her friend.

"That's simple," replied the blonde. "I'll just fake an orgasm as usual!"

dead dog

Little Johnny's mom and dad were trying to console him when he found his pet dog Skipper had past away.
"You know, it's not your fault that Skipper died Little Johnny."

But Little Johnny would have none of it.

His dad told him, "You know Little Johnny, Skipper is probably up in heaven right now with God."

Little Johnny piped back angrily, "What would God want with a dead dog?"

two questions

Sven and Ole were in a mental institution.
This place had an annual contest picking two of the best patients and gives them two questions.
If they get them correct, they're deemed cured and free to go.

Sven was called into the doctor's office first and asked if he understood that he'd be free if he answered the questions correctly.
The doctor said, "Sven, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?"

Sven said, "I'd be half blind."

"That's correct. What if I poked out both eyes?" the doctor asked.

"I'd be completely blind." Answered Sven.

The doctor stood up, shook Sven 's hand, and told him he was free.

On his way out, Sven mentioned the exam to Ole.
While the doctor filled out the paperwork, he told him what questions were going to be asked and gave him the answers.

So Ole came in. The doctor went through the formalities and asked, "What would happen if I cut off one ear?"

Ole, remembering the answer that Sven had told him, said "I'd be half blind."

The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on. "What if I cut off the other ear?"

"I'd be completely blind," Ole answered.

Totally confused the doctor asked "Ole, can you explain how you'd be *blind* if I cut off both of your ears?"

Ole smiled and said "My hat would fall down over my eyes."

'Bicycles!'

While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. 'What's in the bags?', asked the guard.

'Sand,' said the cyclist.

'Get them off - we'll take a look,' said the guard.

The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border.

A week later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear.

A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. 'Say friend, you sure had us crazy', said the guard. 'We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it you were smuggling?'

'Bicycles!'

marriage quotes

- If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way.

- In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.

- In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains!

- Joint Checking Account: a handly little device which permits my wife to beat me to the draw.

- Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.

- Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover. But she can never catch him at it.

- Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give.

- Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffe-ring.

- Marriage is an institution--but who wants to live in an institution?

- Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo...

answers received on exams

The following are a sampling of real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school.

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, 'Guns don't kill people. I do.'

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too drunk to find your keys.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave 'hello' if she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be an idiot all day long.

golden wedding anniversary

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

'Let's have a party, Homer,' she suggested. 'Let's kill a pig.'

The farmer scratched his grizzled head. 'Gee, Ethel,' he finally answered, 'I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago.'

'Who's the boss?'

A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town.

To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.

He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. 'Who's the boss around here?' he asked.

'I am.' said the man.

'I have a black horse and a brown horse,' the farmer said, 'which one would you like?'

The man thought for a minute and said, 'The black one.'

'No, no, no, get the brown one.' the man's wife said.

'Here's your chicken.' said the farmer.

An atheist

An atheist was walking through the woods one day
when suddebly an 8-foot grizzly bear began to charge
towards him. He ran as fast as he could down the path.
He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear
was rapidly closing on him. Somehow, he can't ran
even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes.
His heart pounding in his chest, he tried to run faster
yet. But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground. As he
rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over
him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its
right paw to strike him.

'OH MY GOD! ...' Time stopped.......... The bear froze
........... The forest was silent...........Even the river
stopped moving ...

As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous
voice came from all around, 'You Deny My Existence
For All These Years, Teach Others That I Don't Exist;
And Even Credit Creation To Some Cosmic Accident.
Do You Expect Me To Help You Out Of This Predicament?
Am I To Count You As A Believer???'

Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly into the
light and said, 'It would be hypocritical to ask to be a
Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could
make the bear a Christian?'

'Very Well.' said The Voice. The light went out.......
The river ran....... The sounds of the forest
resumed and the bear dropped down on his knees,
brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

'Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive.'

Some THOUGHTS to ponder:

- A day without sunshine is like, night.
- On the other hand, you have different fingers.
- Honk if you love peace and quiet.
- He who laughs last thinks slowest.
- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
- If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
- How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
- OK, so what's the speed of dark?
- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
- If everything seems to be going well, you have
obviously overlooked something.
- When everything is coming your way, you're in
the wrong lane.
- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

a bucket

The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately
to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming
outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed
and got into the water.

After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of
old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked,
got out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand
nearby. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and
sighed with relief.

The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward
and wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said: 'You know,
I have a special gift, I can read minds.'

'Impossible', said the embarrassed man, 'You really know
what I think?'

'Yes', the lady replied, 'Right now, I bet you think that
the bucket you're holding has a bottom.'

'Didn't anybody complain?'

Jean Paul moved to Texas and purchased a donkey
from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to
deliver the donkey the next day. However, the
following morning, the farmer drove up and reported
that the donkey had died.

'Well, then, give me my money back,' said Jean Paul.

'Can't,' said the farmer, 'already spent the money.'

'Okay' said Jean Paul, 'just unload the donkey.'

'What ya going to do with him?' asked the farmer.

'Going to raffle him off,' came the reply

'You can't do that,' said the farmer. 'You can't
raffle off a dead donkey!'

'Sure I can,'said Jean Paul, 'just watch me. I
won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month goes by and and the farmer meets up with
Jean Paul and asks - 'what happened to the dead
donkey?'

'I raffled him off,' Jean Paul answered. 'I sold 450
tickets at $2 a piece and made a profit of $798.'

'Didn't anybody complain?' the farmer asked bewildered.

'Just the guy who won,' Jean Paul said. 'So I gave
him his $2 back.'

You might be stupid if....

...you can't remember how to spell I.Q.
...you can't remember the number for 911
...you just discovered that your AM radio also works
in the afternoon
...you fail Physical Education
...you cannot spell 'it'
...you try to turn the light on to find a flashlight in
a power outage!
...you think Taco Bell is a mexican phone company
...you think pigpen is something to write with
...you think a cartoon is a song about automobiles
...you frequently misspell your name
...you walk your kid to school because you are in the
same grade!
...it takes you 2 hours to watch 60 minutes
...you sell your car for gas money
...you try thinking and nothing happens!!!
...you think a quarterback is a refund...
...you cook minute rice for an hour
...upon approaching a traffic sign that says 'STOP AHEAD'
you reach over and grab your passenger by the top of the head.
...you lose $25 on a horse race and another $25 on the
instant replay!
...you get tangled up in a cordless phone
...you need to be reminded to breathe
...you return a donut back because there is a hole in it...
...you stare at the orange juice because it says concentrate
...you tell your wife not to laugh as you point the gun to your
head 'cause she's next!
...you get fired from volunteer work

Seeing Eye Dog

A blind man is walking down the street with his
seeing-eye dog one day. They come to a busy
intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume
of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind
man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed
by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked
drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.

The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety
of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and
the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket,
which he offers to the dog. A passer-by, having
observed the near fatal incident, can't control his
amazement and says to the blind man, 'Why on
earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie?
He nearly got you killed!'

The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies,
'To find out where his head is, so I can kick his butt.'

Ventriloquist Offends Blonde

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain
at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of
stupid blonde jokes, when a blonde woman in the fourth row
stands on her chair and says,

"I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes!
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their
worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women
like me from being respected at work and in my community,
of reaching my full potential as a person because you and
your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not
only blondes but women at large all in the name of humor."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the
blonde says, "You stay out of this, Mister! I'm talking to
that little one sitting on your knee!"

heart attack

A man comes home early from work and hears strange
noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs
to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries
the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as
he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,
"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Mick's hiding in your wardrobe
and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs
into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips
open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his
brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.

"You bonehead!," says the husband, "my wife's having
a heart attack and you're running around with no
clothes on scaring the kids!"

Children's Prayer

Two young boys were spending the night at their
grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt
beside their beds to say their prayers when the
youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.

"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE... I PRAY FOR A NEW
SONY PLAY STATION... I PRAY FOR A NEW PAIR
OF SHOES..."

His older brother leaned over and nudged the
younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting
your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little
brother replied, "No, but GRANDPA is!"

guilty

Doctor Dave slept with one of his patients and felt
guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to
forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of
betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a
while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that
said:

"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first
doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you
won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go..."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back
to reality:

"Dave, you're a vet..."

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